da[color=black]ting[/color] in the Family

[SPuck]

So the subject of a mother and daughter inadvertently dating a father and son respectively came up.

Q. Parenting, dating: I've been divorced for five years, raised a wonderful daughter who is in her fourth year of college, and started dating a wonderful man one year ago. Things were going great for me, my daughter and my relationship with "Tim." Tim and I were set up by a mutual friend who is a professor at the college my daughter attends. My daughter took a class from him last year on my suggestion. While in that class she met and started dating a fellow classmate who decided to take the class because of a suggestion from his father. ... Yep you guessed it! My daughter and I are dating a father and son. I feel like I am in a horribly-written daytime soap opera. My daughter had met my boyfriend early in our relationship but was only just recently invited to meet her boyfriend's father—he is a widower of 10 years. She was in shock when she realized it was the same man, and I still am after finding out. I guess the question is what to do? Continue with our relationships? I feel like all four of us are getting serious and marriage has been talked about between both couples as well. Is it considered a major social scandal to have your daughter-in-law be your own daughter? Thanks, a Potential Mother-in-Law Mother.

A: You two couples should have a double wedding and instead of the Wedding March play, "I'm My Own Grandpa." It would be amusing if your daughter and her husband became stepsiblings, etc. but it's hardly a scandal. Both couples getting married would certainly solve the dilemma of deciding which in-law gets to see the kids at Thanksgiving and Christmas. The only red flag I see here is that your daughter and his son are a little young to be settling down. Many people do successfully marry their college sweethearts, but I don't see why they would rush into it. Young marriage does put people at a higher risk of divorce. If your daughter comes to you for advice about getting married upon graduation, separate out what you say from your own concern about how good a stepson her boyfriend would be.

Orignal Source:

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2012/04/dear_prudie_my_daughter_is_dating_my_boyfriend_s_son_.html

So ignoring the age and marriage advice comment, what is the etiquette of this situation?

[WillyNilly]

I think there is no etiquette violation... but if one couple breaks up and the other doesn't, I do see some potentially awkward and possibly hurtful future holidays.

[jmarvellous]

The etiquette is "be nice," more or less.
And keep in the back of your mind that your partner's loyalty will be to their own parent/child before your parent/child, in most situations (say, if one couple breaks up nastily). Not letting that affect your relationship with your partner is probably tough.

I see where there could be awkwardness, but I don't see a need for special etiquette.

[Reason]

I am really glad this thread is not what I thought it was when I clicked on it

[Moray]

I am really glad this thread is not what I thought it was when I clicked on it

Because "Family" was capitalized, I thought we were talking about the mob for a second.

[MrTango]

I have an example of that from my family:

My dad's step-mother (my paternal grandpa's 2nd wife) is also his sister-in-law (my mom's sister).
My mom's father-in-law (my paternal grandpa) is also her brother-in-law (mom's sister's husband)

[NyaChan]

I am really glad this thread is not what I thought it was when I clicked on it

POD.  I was very apprehensive.

[jmarvellous]

I have an example of that from my family:

My dad's step-mother (my paternal grandpa's 2nd wife) is also his sister-in-law (my mom's sister).
My mom's father-in-law (my paternal grandpa) is also her brother-in-law (mom's sister's husband)

My great uncle and his nephew married sisters. So my great aunt is her sister's aunt, too. And my cousin is his uncle's brother-in-law.

I guess that's why this didn't bug me out too much.

[dawbs]

The etiquette is "be nice," more or less.
And keep in the back of your mind that your partner's loyalty will be to their own parent/child before your parent/child, in most situations (say, if one couple breaks up nastily). Not letting that affect your relationship with your partner is probably tough.

I see where there could be awkwardness, but I don't see a need for special etiquette.

I think this is key.
I know siblings who married siblings.   When it is good, it's very very good.  When it's bad...holy Toledo, WWIII.

Because you know how you have small grudges against your brother from when you were 3?  Those can come out in weird and horrid ways.
And you know how you can say anything about your brother but no one else can?  those can also come out in weird and horrid ways.

[ET is the best alien.]

My uncle has a much younger sister who married a guy. The guy that she married had a brother who married my cousin(Uncle's daughter.) So my uncle and cousin are brother and sister in law, I think?

[afbluebelle]

I think there is no etiquette violation... but if one couple breaks up and the other doesn't, I do see some potentially awkward and possibly hurtful future holidays.

I'd feel more awkward if my mom got married first... :Poof: You're now frisking around with your brother!


But seriously, I have no idea. I dated my now step cousin before my mom and stepdad got together... we still have awkward moments during the holidays 

[LifeOnPluto]

I've heard of step-siblings dating before, so don't think it's all that weird. The only time I'd think it was a bit odd would be if they'd known each other from early childhood, and been raised in the same house as brother and sister. But that's not the case here.

As other posters have said, things could get awkward however, if one couple was to break up.

[Perfect Circle]

I don't see any issues from an etiquette point of view - it's not a scandal, the younger couple did not grow up together as step siblings or anything, so I see no issue there.

[Giggity]

I've heard of step-siblings dating before, so don't think it's all that weird. The only time I'd think it was a bit odd would be if they'd known each other from early childhood, and been raised in the same house as brother and sister. But that's not the case here.

In my mid-20s, I dated a guy who my friends and I have all agreed to call Warthog. (Demons can't hear you and fixate on you if you don't call them by their real names.) Warthog's parents are divorced, and his mother remarried when he was a teenager, long before I met him. The guy she married had a teenage daughter. Warthog and the daughter got together and dated for a few years.

[Winterlight]

I don't see any issues from an etiquette point of view - it's not a scandal, the younger couple did not grow up together as step siblings or anything, so I see no issue there.

Agreed. Family issues are a different matter, and those mostly boil down to, "Be nice."