leaving early and demanding change-UPDATE

[housewife2k]

I just got off of the phone with Middlesons new team of therapists. They want to set up an appointment time with the family members that he will have the most contact with on a regular basis to discuss "Educational Stratagies". This will be going things I have already asked the fam. to do, like putting him in simple situations where he has to use words he already knows, songs and games to play with him that help with his vocabulary, and help with playing 'with' someone, not alongside them, and AVOIDING SITUATIONS THAT CAUSE MELTDOWNS!! Both my mom and my MIL will be there, step-dad and FIL cannot get the time off of work, but both are already much more accepting and helpful than Mom and MIL.

I am very excited about this, as maybe hearing from a team (4) of professionals what I have been saying for the last few months will get them to understand, or at least be more acomadating to his needs.

If after the meeting, they still are not compliant(in general, not just the holidays) would I be out of line in only allowing them time with him when I am around? He needs certain routines wherever he is, whether I am there or not.

[sweedetobee]

They already heard the mother's (your) preferences for dealing with your son.

They will now hear it from professionals.

So yes! If they continue to treat him in a manner that exacerbates his issues then by all means limit his time with them to when you (or your DH?) can be around.

And I think it is great that you are doing this. Hopefully it will help Middleson and his grandmothes develop a special relationship.

(And you already know what not to do to when you have grandkids. haha)

[weber06]

You would not be out of line.  He needs routine and if he doesn't get it he suffers.  And you have to pick up the pieces of the meltdown and have to watch your son go through this so you suffer.  They have a choice.  Listen to the professionals or only get supervised grandma time.  Even if they offer to stick to the routine I'd stay the first few times.  And in the end they'll either get it or they won't get to see him. 

[Lisbeth]

I'm glad that your mother and MIL at least are going with you to meet the therapists.

I think that if your parents and ILs continue to give you a hard time about leaving early on holidays even after a professional autism expert explains to them your son's need for routine, you would be totally justified in limiting their time with your son to times when you can supervise and make sure that his routine is not interrupted.

[Slartibartfast]

If they intentionally refuse to learn how to "parent" around your son (or refuse to accept he may need skills that they don't already know), they shouldn't be treated as a responsible adult around him.  Which means yes, by all means, only allow them to spend supervised time with him the way you'd let a teenage cousin or a stranger be around him - someone who ought to be mature, but who isn't trustworthy enough to have your DS actually in their care. 

[gjcva1]

not only would you not be out of line, as Middleson's mother, it would be your duty to protect and nurture your son as you and his therapists see fit.  if routine is what he needs, routine is what he gets.  and anyone who cannot or will not provide that routine is certainly not responsible to care for Middleson when you are not present.

[housewife2k]

I would like to thank everyone for their support and encourageing words. If this was someone else's situation, I might be able to offer insight, but being it involves my son, I am fiercely protective, and never know until after if I have crossed a line.

[Musicwoman]

Imagine this situation; your son has diabetes or a food allergy.  There are certain foods he simply must not eat.  They will not kill him, but will cause him (and you!) a lot of unnecessary suffering.  Your relatives have been told this, both by you and a team of medical professionals.  They refuse to accept the diagnosis.  They are in denial that their grandson could have a disability and insist he's just a picky eater and you're spoiling him by pandering to his whims.  They feed him the Forbidden Foods at every opportunity and deny any responsibility for the fallout

Are you justified in limiting their contact to supervised visits? 

Substitute "autism" for "allergy" and "behaviour" for "food".  Your answer should be the same.  Your son has special needs which must be catered to if he is to develop his full potential.  You will have to be his advocate and insist that health care professionals, educators, government agencies etc. meet his needs (and believe me, some won't if they can get away with it.  You will sometimes have to make A LOT of noise to get what you're legally entitled to). 

Regard your family as good practice.   

[Gileswench]

It's a major part of your job to protect him. Do it. If you start getting too overprotective, I'm sure your son's therapists will be able to tell you that. In the meantime, I'm glad your mother and MIL are going to get the word straight from the horse's mouth (the Experts). Perhaps they'll listen this time. If they don't, then they can't be left alone with him. As musicwoman rightly pointed out, there are always people who want to 'prove' that a parent is too protective. Their motives may not be bad, but they can easily do a lot of damage because they refuse to accept that the parents really do know the state of their kid's health, whether it be physical, mental, or emotional.

[Balletmom]

Absolutely, if they for whatever reasons can't go along for the most part with the therapists' recommendations, you absolutely should always be there.  It is wonderful that your son's team is willing to meet with other family members to help them understand his special needs. My guess is once MIL/Mom hear it from someone other than you...they will begin to move out of denial and into the reality of adjusting to your son's needs.

Honestly, I've played interference with my mom/MIL and both my children are not special needs..."Mom, if she wants to come home, she can come home. She needs to know that I will come get her if she's uncomfortable. It's not about you, it's nothing to do with you, she just wants to be home with her mother right now." (That was when my daughter was about 11 and spending the night at my parents' home, and she just got homesick.)  It is about letting both of them know that you are a parent first now, and your responsibilities are with your child.

One of my most favorite students ever (if I actually admit I have favorites) is a child with autism. He was the only fifth grader actually happy to see me at the grocery store! There are such wonderful memories in store for your MIL/Mom as well, if they can just adjust a little bit to your child.

[Cyndi]

My sister put me in a situation like your grandparents did to your son more than once. The straw that broke the camel's back was the time she treated me to Disneyland and then ruined the fun day I had by tearing all of my FEW achievements in my life. Things I clawed and cried and bled to get(high school graduation, SSI, joining the church, my participation in choir) were made to seem like dust compared to the things she's done. She also pushes me emotionally until I get overloaded and then tells me I'm a baby when I melt down on her. She wouldn't let me leave an area if there was too much light/noise and sometimes she even ordered food FOR me(stuff I hated to eat because of the texture) and then got mad when I wouldn't eat it. She thinks I can turn off my problems like a light if I "want it bad enough".

When my mom found out, she took care of me and then asked my dad to talk to my sister. They both said she'll never bother me about my autism again. Still, even with that promise I feel like I'm on eggshells around my sister and I speak as little as possible to her.

You are very right in stepping in like this. If your family refuses to accomodate his special needs then it's not worth putting him through the stress. Maybe when he's older.