General Etiquette > Family and Children

"I'm so proud of you!"

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turtleIScream:
BG: I do not have a good relationship with my MIL. She is highly critical and thoughtless and very PA, but many of our issues stem from a severe personality clash. So, even when we are both on our best behavior, it is very draining to spend time together. They live about 2 hours away; far enough away to feel like a chore to drive it, yet close enough we do it regularly.

I am trying to learn how to give her the benefit of the doubt and not anticipate bad behavior for the times we do visit with her. I know not doing so leads to looking for offense, which of course makes me more anxious, and I'd really rather not be a big bucket of nerves all the time. I know how to handle overtly rude comments, and I know my husband has my back when she does go there, but I'm having a hard time differentiating between PA remarks (known to cause offense, but without any clear obvious statements), and purely thoughtless remarks that I might be over-reacting to.

The latest visit was mostly a success. ILs came for the afternoon for my daughter's birthday. My husband originally invited them to come around 2:00, stay for a few hours, then head back right before dinner. Since many of MIL's previous comments have revolved around food, he was hoping to spare me some aggravation. But, I would rather put up with her unfounded criticisms of my cooking than the very real one of providing inadequate hospitality, so I extended the invitation to include dinner. They came, we played games, went shopping, and had a generally pleasant day.

As they left, MIL thanked me for dinner, commented on how I managed to provide a variety of food, and said "I'm so proud of you." This is not the first time she's said it, but every other time has also been in regard to my meal preparation. And it really bothers me because it sounds so...condescending? Patronizing? I cannot even fully articulate why it bothers me, so of course, I can't properly address it, if it even needs to be addressed. Any helpful advice?

Roe:
"I'm always so proud of myself too!"   

The biggest way to take the wind out of her sails is to take it at face value.  Her comment does sound PA but I'd ignore that and tcake it positively instead.  Good luck!

SoCalVal:
If it were me, I'd be bugged because I wouldn't trust what comes out of her mouth, especially since it's regarding the very thing about which she's criticized me.  I can see why it bugs you but you're unable to articulate why (I've been there a few times in the past few days and not knowing why my hinky meter's been going off).

Anyway, as far as reacting to her, I'd try to say, "thank you" and leave it at that.  If she's similar to DF's annoying and obnoxious BFF (not to be confused with normal BFF), I'd think she could've been saying all that because she wants to receive a big pat on the back for saying nice things to you (which is what happened recently with AOBFF).  Could this be why you're bugged?  Feeling that she's not complimenting you because she truly feels it but because she feels it'll benefit her and give her "points" in your battle with each other?  However, she also could be truly making an effort but given your history with her, it's very difficult to accept that she could be being genuine (which is why I suggest just saying "thank you" then leaving it alone).

Windlass:
It DOES sound condescending, but is it possible she's trying to articulate something else, and it's not coming out quite right?

My MIL (who I adore) has said similar things, but she very clearly intends it as a reflection of how glad she is that I am my husband's wife, that she's pleased with how well I take care of him, etc.  When we love someone as deeply and as fiercely as we love our (adult) children, it can be very emotional to realize that their spouse loves them just as much, and takes care of them in the way we always hoped they would be taken care of.  I hope that makes sense.

There are so many ways to say this, and it can be difficult to articulate without it seeming awkward.

I hope that's the case, anyway!

secretrebel:
I think "proud" can carry a connotation of "I am somehow responsible for your success".

I encountered this at a friend's graduation party from the opposite side. I said to his mother something like "we're all really proud of friend" and she took offence and raised her eyebrows and said "you're proud of him?!". Very definitely emphasising that she thought the word was inappropriate.

I didn't mean it as feeling that I took a hand in my friend's success. Just that we thought he did well. But whatever your MIL's intentions I think it's a difficult word to take issue with. She might have meant it positively.

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