Author Topic: Contacting Ex's parents - novel length!  (Read 13777 times)

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SleepyKitty

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Re: Contacting Ex's parents - novel length!
« Reply #15 on: April 24, 2012, 02:32:00 PM »
  I admit, I don't completely understand the gag order between you and them simply because of the breakup.  I could understand you moving out and can even understand why visits would also not be a good idea.  I think that maybe her reasoning was that he was so upset over the break up that she was worried for his health and safety and needed to ensure that her being in contact with you didn't spiral him out of control.

Yes - the relationship had become so damaged that it was the concept of me, more than actually me, that he was dependent on. His parents acknowledged this and even told me that they had been wondering when I would finally have enough and break up with him. They told me I deserved better! When I did break it off, we were all afraid he would commit suicide. His therapist even tried to convince him to agree to being committed to the hospital about two weeks afterward. He responded by refusing to take his medication or see a therapist anymore. So I understand his mom feeling like she needed to cut off contact with me completely. It may have been a life-or-death situation for him - his mental state was incredibly unstable. Frankly, the way he treated his parents both before and after the break-up went a long way toward ending the love I held for him.

Of course, all of this is why I also fear that I am way too emotionally involved to make a good decision without advice.

sweetonsno

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Re: Contacting Ex's parents - novel length!
« Reply #16 on: April 24, 2012, 03:00:00 PM »
I agree with everyone. Send a letter. Thank them for everything they did for you, explain what you are doing with your life, tell them that you think they helped you become who you are. There isn't a person alive who would not appreciate the gesture.

No need to include a return address. I bet they know how to get ahold of you via email if needs be.

Mikayla

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Re: Contacting Ex's parents - novel length!
« Reply #17 on: April 24, 2012, 06:57:01 PM »

They absolutely are, and that's why I'm very concerned that if I contact them, it needs to be sensitive to the situation. I absolutely do NOT want to make myself feel better at the expense of their peace of mind, KWIM?

This is the part that had me wondering, as well.  What you want to say to them is obviously well intended, and probably needs to be said at some point, but at the moment, you don't know for sure that you're not doing exactly this.

The mom's request to you of no contact was a pretty extreme thing to ask, and I think it should be honored for now, especially if you're easy to reach on FB.  If so, then it's really on her to re-initiate contact if this is what she wants.

Maybe in a year or so you might have more info to guide you about the appropriateness of reaching out to her.

bah12

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Re: Contacting Ex's parents - novel length!
« Reply #18 on: April 24, 2012, 07:12:00 PM »
So, if you have a way to reach them via FB, then why can't you send the thank you note that way?

I like the idea of the letter a lot (and am a big advocate for it), but if the fear of the ex seeing the address/handwriting and going balistic is there, then a PM via FB would avoid all that. 

Honestly, I get the sense that your fear of being rejected by them (again) is what's holding you back more than the original "no contact" request.  You lost your mother at a young and vulnerable age and then the woman that essentially took on that roll asked you not to contact her.  You've lost a mother twice and the pain is greater than I could ever imagine, so I can understand the underlying fear of having to go through all that emotion for a third time.  You are still young too.  It's ok to miss them and desire that motherly relationship.  I could be reading all that wrong though....

I encourage you to reach out.  Thanking someone sincerely is not a bad thing.  She doesn't have to act on it and the worse that can happen is that she won't.  I think if you take the proper precautions not to have the ex intercept/recognize the contact, then making it isn't a big deal.  It's been a year.  He's dating someone else.  He's not in the same emotional state as before.


LifeOnPluto

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Re: Contacting Ex's parents - novel length!
« Reply #19 on: April 25, 2012, 03:32:44 AM »
I think it's too soon to contact them. Some day it may be appropriate, just not yet. A year isn't all that long compared to how long you all were a part of each others lives. So for now respect their wishes for no contact. That's the best way to thank them and support their family. Maybe when you are done with grad school would be a better time to contact them thanking them.

I agree with you that a letter is best in that it doesn't put them on the spot. But if there is a risk that your ex might answer the phone, then there is a risk that he might come across your letter in the mail. So it's still not ideal.

I agree with this. I think it's too soon, and emotions may still be a bit raw. I also think that your ex's mother's request for no contact needs to be respected for now, at least.

I like O'Dell's idea about contacting them after you've finished grad school is good. Even then, it should just be a short note, thanking them for their support, and making it clear you do not expect any kind of relationship with them.

Roe

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Re: Contacting Ex's parents - novel length!
« Reply #20 on: April 25, 2012, 10:22:12 AM »
OP, your post made me cry.  I'm so sorry you had to lose two mothers.    :'(

I like the idea of contacting them after you finish grad school.  It would make sense to contact them after such an accomplishment.  If you contact them now, it'll seem like it's coming out of left field. 

You definitely should contact them at some point and I think graduation is the perfect reason to say "thank you" to them. 

SamiHami

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Re: Contacting Ex's parents - novel length!
« Reply #21 on: April 25, 2012, 10:57:05 AM »
I think it is too soon. Eventually, a letter will be great, but it's only been a year and emotions are likely to be raw still. Please give it more time before you make any kind of contact with them.

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WillyNilly

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Re: Contacting Ex's parents - novel length!
« Reply #22 on: April 25, 2012, 11:20:32 AM »
You know what you might consider doing?

Several posters have suggested it too soon.  A few others have pointed out its almost mother's day.  You could always write out a long heartfelt letter, in honor of mother's day, and hold on to it.  And next year do the same, and so forth, until you feel its been long enough and then send her all of them.  She will know, albeit retroactively, that you had always carried her in your heart and will get to know about your life from the point of view of how you felt about it as it was happening (instead of retelling it years later).  And for you, just the act of writing it out will probably make you feel good about things, even if you can't send it right away.

SleepyKitty

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Re: Contacting Ex's parents - novel length!
« Reply #23 on: April 25, 2012, 01:41:58 PM »
You know what you might consider doing?

Several posters have suggested it too soon.  A few others have pointed out its almost mother's day.  You could always write out a long heartfelt letter, in honor of mother's day, and hold on to it.  And next year do the same, and so forth, until you feel its been long enough and then send her all of them.  She will know, albeit retroactively, that you had always carried her in your heart and will get to know about your life from the point of view of how you felt about it as it was happening (instead of retelling it years later).  And for you, just the act of writing it out will probably make you feel good about things, even if you can't send it right away.

What a wonderful idea. When I was at the drug store today, I did buy a mother's day card. I still hadn't really made a decision about whether or not to send it, because I think the PP's who have said that it's too soon present very good points and I keep going back and forth on what to do. I think I will write a letter to put into it and date it, maybe even with a picture of me and my oldest cat (who was given to me as a kitten by her - we always joked that Natasha was her grandchild) then seal and address/stamp the card like I was going to send it, and then just put it in a drawer for now. I will add, however, that because of my (real) mother's car accident, I always have had a strong sense that every day can be the last and that you ought to say things that are important to you now, because you never know when you will lose that chance. So, while I really took to heart the advice of everyone who told me to wait, I don't know that I will necessarily wait until I finish grad school (I'm going through a PhD track program, which gets a master's along the way and will take at least five more years). But for now, at least, I will write the card and just not send it.

Thank you again for everyone's advice! Someday when I do send along the message, I'll be sure to update. :)


lovepickles

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Re: Contacting Ex's parents - novel length!
« Reply #24 on: April 25, 2012, 02:09:17 PM »
I agree it is too soon. I think WillyNilly is right. Go ahead and write the letter but hold on to it.

For what it is worth I was in a similar situation of being helped by my boyfriends parents and then having a breakup. It wasn't for as long and the breakup wasn't that bad but when his mom was ready she did contact me. It's been about 15 years and we still do x-mas cards and general updates. But all parties needed time to heal and move on, completely.

Given your circumstances I'd suggest waiting at least few years before you contact her. Don't beat yourself up about not giving a proper thanks while exiting a bad relationship. This aspect is making me think that you haven't had enough time to heal completely. If she's really the awesome person she seems to be then I'm sure she understands. She's got to be a parent to her son and if she's already stated her need to cease contact so the best you can do for all is move on with your life and take care of yourself. I doubt she helped you so much so you would feel guilty if things didn't work out with her son. She helped you so you could make the best out of your life and the only way you can thank her is to do just that.

So until it is kind of a non-issue you should really back off. Accept the generosity; I'm sure you deserved it.


EMuir

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Re: Contacting Ex's parents - novel length!
« Reply #25 on: April 25, 2012, 03:39:28 PM »
I would wait. I think the whole thing would work out much better if in a few years you find that you would be OK with being just friends with your Ex, maybe initiate contact with him, then with his parents through him.  Then he won't feel sidelined, and you might be able to actually have a relationship with his parents again too.

You shouldn't feel like this was one-sided and that you need to somehow let them know how grateful you are.  It might even make them feel uncomfortable because ultimately, they helped you because it helped their son.

KimChi

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Re: Contacting Ex's parents - novel length!
« Reply #26 on: May 05, 2012, 06:59:46 PM »
He is dating, right? That point right there leads me to believe it isn't 'too soon'. But I think you should be clear in the letter that you are in no way trying to come between them and him and that you just want to let them know what they meant to you.
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Iris

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Re: Contacting Ex's parents - novel length!
« Reply #27 on: May 06, 2012, 02:03:06 AM »
If you are worried that Mother's Day is too soon, why not think about making it a Christmas thing if you and they celebrate Christmas? Many people send update letters at Christmas so it might make it seem a little less intense.
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Calypso

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Re: Contacting Ex's parents - novel length!
« Reply #28 on: May 06, 2012, 01:16:29 PM »
I strongly disagree with the posters who are saying "too soon." You and this woman have a loving bond. When she asked you to stay away, circumstances were different. If you send a card or letter----and please don't leave your address off, that would be dreadful (if you're worried about ex seeing your address, put it in the letter, not on  the envelope) it does only good---it will be welcomed by her, I can almost guarantee that----and you can put in, amidst your thanks, assurance that if she still needs you to keep your distance, you respect that completely. She's a strong, loving , mature woman and can decide for herself if she wants to restart your relationship, but she may be reticent about getting in touch with you now----worried that you associate her with your miserable ex.

I think letting her know that you love her for herself, and are grateful, would be a wonderful, positive thing. And you are right----life is uncertain and short. I'd do it now.

MacadamiaNut

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Re: Contacting Ex's parents - novel length!
« Reply #29 on: May 06, 2012, 01:39:10 PM »
OP, your story made me cry :'(.  I can relate to it on some levels, actually.  I am also in the camp that says to send it now (or sooner rather than later).  Your feelings are very strong here.  Your intentions are very good.  Your heart is in the right place.  While I can see the reasons to hesitate, the reasons to go forward seem to outweigh them in my mind. 

If there's one thing that stands out for me in making this assessment, it's that one simple statement: "life's too short".

In the end, follow what your gut tells you, whatever that may be.  My best wishes to you and I hope you find some peace about this.
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