Guest complaining about menu - ironic update #44

[cicero]

Your friend was rude. your menu is amazing! what a wide selection of delicious options! hey, you had me at the stuffed grape leaves and homemade cheesecake. i'm *not* a picky eater, but like most people- there are a few things i don't really like. so? there was still plenty to choose from - enough to make a big meal out of it.

[rose red]

I can be a picky eater and I think you have a good variety.  With your menu, I would have eaten the hot dogs, potato salad, (maybe) broccoli salad, and cake.  I would be mortified if a host catered every dish to my picky habits.  It seems this guest just doesn't like anything except one type of steak.  I can understand not liking exotic food, but chips, crackers, bread, and veggies doesn't seem too exotic to me.

[Zilla]

I don't see where  the friend was wrong/rude?  She asked the hostess where the medium steaks were.  OP should have just said be right back and here you go.  She already knows she is a picky eater, why engage the crazy? It's a buffet and person was an adult.


The menu was fine but not for a picky eater. Should you have provided more, of course not.  But I can see why it wouldn't work for someone who is picky.


(I have a few in my family, eye roll.  I know your pain)

Then she said, "I just want my medium rare steak, there's so little I can eat."

This is where she went wrong. Her comment suggests that the available food was insufficient. I agree that asking where the medium-rare steak wasn't wrong.

She knows she is a picky eater, she at that point should have simply gotten her steak for her.  Instead as she pointed out each dish, it force the guest to explain why she didn't like each one.

?

All OP did was try to be a good host and offer her friend other suggestions when her friend says "there's so little I can eat". When friend said that, OP tried to offer her other things she might want to try but might not have seen or considered yet. It's like if someone comes to your home and you offer them a cup of tea and they say "I don't like tea", you say "oh how about a coffee then? or some juice? a milkshake? Tequila shots perhaps?". OP was trying to make her guests feel as happy as possible by pointing out things she thought her friend might want to try if she was hungry.

Also, I don't understand how OPs vast choice of side dishes, starters, entrees and sweet options can be said to be not good for picky eaters. Whilst a host or hostess tries to offer their guests variety and quality, they have to draw the line somewhere. Like another poster said above, a party where all they were served was Quiche might not be the best hostessing decision, but OP provided many many options. Lots of foods with lots of different ingredients. If you're a picky eater and you don't eat eggs for example, fine, eat something else. If you don't like tomatoes, fine, eat something else. However, if you don't like eggs, tomatoes, cheese, salt, pepper, meat, potatoes, vegetables, sugar, pastry, fish, nuts, pasta, bread etc.... then it's not the hosts fault. How on earth can a host accommodate not alone every allergy, but actual food DISLIKE at such a large party. She can't make 1001 dishes on the off chance her friend might like one. She went above and beyond already with her choices. If the only thing someone eats is fish fingers, then they should probably eat to fulfil their hunger at home before coming out.

Can you point out where I said she needed to offer more foods?


OP began her post with details on how picky this friend is and that she knows that of her.  I would of simply ensure she got her steak and leave it at that.  It by no means made her a bad hostess.

[Oh Joy]

Was the menu truly deficient?  I hadn't known about her tomato aversion, though I don't know that I would have changed the menu if I had known.  Should I have?  I didn't think I should have to plan for each guests likes and dislikes, as opposed to medical needs.

By quick count, you offered 14 non-dessert menu items with some mutually-exclusive ingredients (not everything, for example, had meat or dairy).  You were fine.

Your guest displayed the opposite of grace when she stated to you that she wouldn't eat thirteen of those items, then implied that made her exact doneness preference more important to her.  A guest isn't generally out of line to decline to eat things they don't like, or to request a preference, but the way they were presented together in this case is awkward for the host. 

I personally see it opposite from your guest's view.  If there was only one item out of a range that I liked, I would find the general doneness of it (such as medium rare versus medium, not rare versus well-done) to be minor compared to it being something that I like to eat.

But I'm not her.

[Tilt Fairy]

I don't see where  the friend was wrong/rude?  She asked the hostess where the medium steaks were.  OP should have just said be right back and here you go.  She already knows she is a picky eater, why engage the crazy? It's a buffet and person was an adult.


The menu was fine but not for a picky eater. Should you have provided more, of course not.  But I can see why it wouldn't work for someone who is picky.


(I have a few in my family, eye roll.  I know your pain)

Then she said, "I just want my medium rare steak, there's so little I can eat."

This is where she went wrong. Her comment suggests that the available food was insufficient. I agree that asking where the medium-rare steak wasn't wrong.

She knows she is a picky eater, she at that point should have simply gotten her steak for her.  Instead as she pointed out each dish, it force the guest to explain why she didn't like each one.

?

All OP did was try to be a good host and offer her friend other suggestions when her friend says "there's so little I can eat". When friend said that, OP tried to offer her other things she might want to try but might not have seen or considered yet. It's like if someone comes to your home and you offer them a cup of tea and they say "I don't like tea", you say "oh how about a coffee then? or some juice? a milkshake? Tequila shots perhaps?". OP was trying to make her guests feel as happy as possible by pointing out things she thought her friend might want to try if she was hungry.

Also, I don't understand how OPs vast choice of side dishes, starters, entrees and sweet options can be said to be not good for picky eaters. Whilst a host or hostess tries to offer their guests variety and quality, they have to draw the line somewhere. Like another poster said above, a party where all they were served was Quiche might not be the best hostessing decision, but OP provided many many options. Lots of foods with lots of different ingredients. If you're a picky eater and you don't eat eggs for example, fine, eat something else. If you don't like tomatoes, fine, eat something else. However, if you don't like eggs, tomatoes, cheese, salt, pepper, meat, potatoes, vegetables, sugar, pastry, fish, nuts, pasta, bread etc.... then it's not the hosts fault. How on earth can a host accommodate not alone every allergy, but actual food DISLIKE at such a large party. She can't make 1001 dishes on the off chance her friend might like one. She went above and beyond already with her choices. If the only thing someone eats is fish fingers, then they should probably eat to fulfil their hunger at home before coming out.

Can you point out where I said she needed to offer more foods?


OP began her post with details on how picky this friend is and that she knows that of her.  I would of simply ensure she got her steak and leave it at that.  It by no means made her a bad hostess.

OP said it appeared they had run out of 'medium-rare steaks' (the kind picky friend wanted) so that's why she offered alternatives.

Oh I know that you never said she was a bad hostess. It was just your part about how 'her choice of foods wasn't appropriate for picky eaters' that confused me. It seemed like a wide variety. I don't think hosts are obliged or even should cater for overtly picky eaters based on just food likes and dislikes. I'm not talking about one specific common aversion like red meat or tomatoes, i'm talking about extreme pickiness. That's why Op's very vast choice of dishes made it seem perfect for the picky eater. Even if the overtly picky eater can eat 2 dishes out of the 20 provided, the hostess has done a great job. One can't cater a menu to the small minority at the expense of the majority who would generally enjoy all foods of all flavours. I'm not talking about medical conditions here, I mean just food dislikes based on taste or texture.

I'm not a picky eater at all, in fact, I can't even thing of a single dish or ingrediant that I mediocrely like, let alone dislike. I like everything from celery to Brussels sprouts to haggis and black pudding! But that's perhaps because I'm greedy. . When I entertain guests, I always try to accommodate all preferences but sometimes enough is enough. Some people's extreme preferences are a ridiculous burden on hosts. But then they should eat at home.

OP, I don't think your menu was deficient at all. If you had to change it, it would mean substituting dishes you know are tasty and would go down well to cater for this one person who seemed to dislike everything under the sun. You already knew she didn't like some ingredients and accommodated for this by providing a few dishes that had none. That should suffice. You had an ample variety, the ingredients of which were all different. You were fine.

[Outdoor Girl]

There was absolutely nothing wrong with your menu.  Picky eater was just that:  picky.

I wouldn't bother inviting this woman again.  It isn't rude to be picky.  It is rude to make your pickiness someone else's problem.  She could have made sure she was near the front of the line to get her preferred steak; she could have quietly taken a medium and carried on; she could have taken a rare steak and quietly asked for it to be cooked a bit more or she could have eaten before she came to the party so she didn't have to worry about whether or not there was something she could eat.

[Zilla]

I did like her menu very much.


But picky eaters tend to like plain foods (tasteless) and simple dishes.  IE, simply mac and cheese.  (boring!)


I was in no way criticizing her menu but can see where a known fussy/picky eater would be an issue and would do my best to minimize it.  As like you said, you can't please everyone.

[Tilt Fairy]

I did like her menu very much.


But picky eaters tend to like plain foods (tasteless) and simple dishes.  IE, simply mac and cheese.  (boring!)


I was in no way criticizing her menu but can see where a known fussy/picky eater would be an issue and would do my best to minimize it.  As like you said, you can't please everyone.

Ha Ha that's true! You can never go wrong with a plain dish for a picky eater! (by no means do I mean that all picky eaters like bland food, just that it's a safe option if you're facing the unknown!).

As a side point, I was thinking - there are picky eaters who dislike foods but still eat them! I know plenty of people who eat things they don't like. Not liking something and not eating something are different things. My boyfriend is a picky eater and detests mushrooms amongst other things but when we go out to dinner with my parents or they cook for us, he eats any mushrooms so as not to make a fuss. Though I think that's to avoid the lecture from my father on "manning up and stop being a baby" or the even more exciting and scarey lecture of "Boy! You don't know how lucky you are in the western world to have the luxury of disliking foods! Just be grateful you have food on your plate son! You think the poor kid in Somalia has the luxury of disliking mushrooms? No! It's all in your head boy!!! Eat the dingdangity shrooms!."... and that's on a good day.

I honestly can't take either of them anywhere.

[Miss Understood]

I am somewhat picky and would have been thrilled with that selection!  I think your menu sounds excellent and that your friend was rude to criticize it, albeit indirectly.

[Sophia]

I remember being a picky pre-teen.  When I was picky and at a party buffet like that I always made sure I was one of the first people in line.  That way if there was a limited selection of certain items that I might like, then I got some. 

[MommyPenguin]

I'm a picky eater, too, but a picky eater should know that their pickiness is *their* problem, not everybody else's, and not a reason to be a special snowflake.  Just because I'm a picky eater doesn't, for instance, give me the right to eat more than a fair share of the bread just because "it's the only thing I'll eat," and leave other people to go without.  It doesn't entitle me to special treatment.  Now, I'll admit that I would have been a little disappointed at a few food items because, as somebody else pointed out, a lot of the food was a bit complicated with special ingredients or mixes, like the mac & cheese having tomato in it (never heard of that).  However, I would have still found enough things that I could eat.  And if not?  I would have gone hungry, or eaten something that I didn't like, because in the real world, sometimes those are your choices.

I teach my girls that when we're visiting (we have different rules at home), they do not have to eat anything, I will not make them eat anything or even take their usual "no, thank you" bite... however, they may *not* declare that they don't like something, ask for something different, or otherwise make it apparent that they don't like the food.  *If* asked directly whether they like a food, they may say, "It's not to my taste," and that is only if *asked*, not to be supplied voluntarily.  And if they are hungry, we will get food at home and they will just have to wait.  I think more adults might need to learn rules like that, including your picky friend.

[NotTheNarcissist]

Was the menu truly deficient?  I hadn't known about her tomato aversion, though I don't know that I would have changed the menu if I had known.  Should I have?  I didn't think I should have to plan for each guests likes and dislikes, as opposed to medical needs.

NutellaNut (love your handle btw), you have my deepest empathy on this subject. First of all your menu was fine IMO. Secondly, I empathize because I have a SIL who not only disagrees with every menu I come up with, she spent about 5 taking over my menu (using my husband who can't say 'no' to her) and cooking what she and her husband wanted in my kitchen. If it were 6 people, then she cooked for 6. If it were 25, then she cooked for 25. I have ranted elsewhere on this forum about her boundary trampling adventures, so I will stop now my comments concerning my SIL who no longer comes to our home whether food is involved or not. Rest assured that PF is just being PF and it hadn't been the steak, it would have been something else.

[blarg314]

I vote for picky *and* rude.

The comment "I just want my medium rare steak, there's so little I can eat" pushes her from annoyingly picky out to really obnoxious.

You provided an extensive and varied menu. You have a guest who is not only very picky, but capriciously so [ie, tomatoes are okay in a sauce, but not in chunks], *and* lies about food allergies to avoid common ingredients she dislikes. Then she makes snarky comments about how little there is to eat.

The response I would *want* to give at this point is "Well, if you're still hungry you can go to a restaurant and pay someone to make a dinner that is acceptable to you."  followed by dropping her off my invite list.  You're offering hospitality, not services as a personal chef or short order cook.

FWIW, my accommodations for peoples' tastes depend on the size of the event. If I were inviting picky girl and her husband for dinner, I'd try to serve something she would like. For a party of 50 people, I will serve a variety of foods, but will not cater to individual preferences, because for big parties it becomes impossible to make custom tailored meals that fit everyone's likes and dislikes.

[Iris]

I vote for picky *and* rude.

The comment "I just want my medium rare steak, there's so little I can eat" pushes her from annoyingly picky out to really obnoxious.

You provided an extensive and varied menu. You have a guest who is not only very picky, but capriciously so [ie, tomatoes are okay in a sauce, but not in chunks], *and* lies about food allergies to avoid common ingredients she dislikes. Then she makes snarky comments about how little there is to eat.

The response I would *want* to give at this point is "Well, if you're still hungry you can go to a restaurant and pay someone to make a dinner that is acceptable to you."  followed by dropping her off my invite list.  You're offering hospitality, not services as a personal chef or short order cook.

FWIW, my accommodations for peoples' tastes depend on the size of the event. If I were inviting picky girl and her husband for dinner, I'd try to serve something she would like. For a party of 50 people, I will serve a variety of foods, but will not cater to individual preferences, because for big parties it becomes impossible to make custom tailored meals that fit everyone's likes and dislikes.

OT, but this is actually quite common. I know several people who will eat ketchup and tomato-based dishes but not tomato. Personally I dislike ketchup and tomatoes but a small amount of tomato paste in a cooked dish is fine. Also some people just really dislike the texture, which is removed when it's in a sauce.

However, I agree that the friend was rude. If she absolutely positively had to have a medium rare steak then it is on her to either let her hosts know in advance or get herself to the buffet line near the front. Waiting until they are all gone and then expecting another steak to be cooked for her is SS. She tipped over into rude when she said "there's so little I can eat".

[learningtofly]

POD.  If I knew that steak was the only thing I could eat on the table I would be first in line.  It's my responsibility to make sure I get fed.  My host fulfilled their responsibility by making sure they provided items I could eat.  They're not going to police the steaks to make sure I get what I want.

Your menu sounds wonderful.  I have to be in the right mood for steak so the chicken and hot dogs are wonderful alternatives.  DH absolutely hates chunks of tomatoes.  however, he would not have passed up a chance to have homemade mac and cheese.  He would have picked out the chunks of tomatoes and happily ate the mac and cheese.  If he couldn't pick out the chunks he would have made his own mac and cheese upon returning home.  You would have inspired him 

I grew up with picky eaters.  I can't imagine any of them complaining like this.  Could you post the recipe for the cheesy bacon ball?