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Author Topic: Friends coming to help clean - how much 'hosting'? ... :/ Update #19  (Read 37962 times)

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Some people think *every* (or most) piece is important to keep, when it's clear to 99.9% of the rest of the population that it's not. It's not about differing expectations so much as...differing realities.

I agree, which is why I said in my original post that I think it was fine to put everything in trash bags (or bins or boxes or whatever), but that those trash bags should not have been thrown out entirely without checking first.

On the other hand, it seems that a significant chunk of the population (if not the majority) would not consider durable items like silverware or a relatively new tea set to be trash in the first place.  The objects that Martienne has specifically mentioned being distressed about having lost don't sound like the type of thing that 99.9% of the population would consider not important to keep.

And then every piece is rescued, bringing you back to the same starting point and wasting everyone's time & effort in the meantime.

I think that's an unfair assumption about our OP.
The mess is not because SHE can't identify trash. It's because she hasn't been well enough to enforce rules and train her kids.

Do you have much experience with hoarders, toots? Because I do. And the OP is a self-admitted hoarder, and even if she hadn't said so, it was very clear that this was that kind situation to those of us with experience with hoarding.

I didnt blame the op or tell her she was horrible, or tell her how she should have been parenting all these years. In fact, quite the opposite, it takes a great amount of courage to admit your problem and reach out for help, and for that, I admire the OP and think she's on the right track.

However, some of the solutions posters have suggested simply aren't feasible for this situation. They might be for someone that's messy, or a slob, or never learned to clean. But for someone with hoarding issues, the anxiety doesn't allow them to determine what is 'necessary' vs. what can go into the trash/donation box in an ongoing, effective manner (hence the situation in the OP).

Dindrane and other were horrified at how others could go into someone else's home and just toss their possessions. When you've been in a hoarders home, you understand how this is not only feasible, but necessary for the health and safety of the occupants. I don't know how bad the OP's home is, but it doesn't sound like hoarding-light to me.

Long story short: I disagree that it was harsh. It was merely a pretty good rendering o what would happen.
« Last Edit: May 12, 2012, 08:02:23 AM by ShadesOfGrey »
Words mean more than what is set down on paper. It takes the human voice to infuse them with shades of deeper meaning. - Maya Angelou

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. - Maya Angelou


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OP I just wanted you to be aware that if I came upon this situation in real life as a mandated reported I would need to call this in as neglect.  You've stated that you aren't addressing your daughter's mental health needs and between you and your husband cannot keep up with the cleaning needs to provide a safe home for your children and you're pregnant with twins.  If your family can't keep up now I'm not sure what will happen with two more children in the home.  I hope the best for you in finding a way to fix this situation before it becomes more dire.


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Agree with the poster who said the bashing needs to stop.  There was some good generic advice on decluttering going on, then one poster decided to revert to blaming and chastising the OP.  There have been several posts expressing that the OP shares responsibility for the way that the cleanup went and she has acknowledged that.  The conversation then headed towards practical advice and tips until someone jumped in to berate the OP again for the original situation.

I think at this point the issue of what the OP should or should not have done to prepare for the cleanup has been discussed to death and at this point, more comments along those lines are just dogpiling.  Armchair diagnosis is also not helpful.
« Last Edit: May 12, 2012, 08:37:02 AM by Hillia »


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This thread has ceased being about etiquette, and has just gotten mean. Best of luck to the OP. Thread closed.

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