Author Topic: First date paying for dinner question.  (Read 26650 times)

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miranova

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Re: First date paying for dinner question.
« Reply #120 on: April 04, 2012, 04:24:25 PM »
Also, my male friends generally said that they wouldn't ask a woman on a second date if she hadn't at least offered to pay.

Did they mean in general or THIS woman specifically?  Because if they mean in general, I find that very odd and not at all my experience.  In my dating days, if a man asked me to dinner and chose a restaurant, I understood that to mean that he was offering to pay for dinner.  In every situation like this, my date grabbed the check as soon as it arrived.  One time, exactly one time, I offered to contribute after my date had grabbed the check.  He was actually insulted, and said "I asked you to dinner, I would not have asked if I expected you to pay".  After that I was a bit afraid to offer in the future!  Also, I never heard from "insulted man" again.  So I literally have had the opposite experience as your post, lol.  I guess that just shows how varied our experiences can be!

Back to the original topic, I will add to the chorus of people who find the OP's friend extremely rude.

I was never a person who thought that a first date must include dinner, but I did not accept dates from men who pulled the "let's meet for drinks at a restaurant immediately before dinner time" because I don't like that strategy.  It's a test, to see if you are good enough/attractive enough/whatever enough to stay for dinner.  Then if you make the cut, suddenly it's "hey let's just get a table!"  No thanks.  If you want a dinner date, ask for one in advance.  Sure there is a risk you won't like me and will have to sit through dinner with someone you don't like.  But I'm taking that risk too by accepting a dinner date.  If you can't/won't take that risk, then our personalities aren't going to match.  I would accept first dates other than dinner, just not that particular type.

Outdoor Girl

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Re: First date paying for dinner question.
« Reply #121 on: April 04, 2012, 05:27:00 PM »
I had one guy contact me on an on-line dating site.  He was going to drive to my city (~1 hour) and take me out to dinner.  It made me a little uncomfortable, since we hadn't communicated much.  So I countered with meeting about halfway and starting with coffee.  I never heard from him again.
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lollylegs

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Re: First date paying for dinner question.
« Reply #122 on: April 04, 2012, 08:29:54 PM »
Also, my male friends generally said that they wouldn't ask a woman on a second date if she hadn't at least offered to pay.

Did they mean in general or THIS woman specifically?  Because if they mean in general, I find that very odd and not at all my experience.  In my dating days, if a man asked me to dinner and chose a restaurant, I understood that to mean that he was offering to pay for dinner.  In every situation like this, my date grabbed the check as soon as it arrived.  One time, exactly one time, I offered to contribute after my date had grabbed the check.  He was actually insulted, and said "I asked you to dinner, I would not have asked if I expected you to pay".  After that I was a bit afraid to offer in the future!  Also, I never heard from "insulted man" again.  So I literally have had the opposite experience as your post, lol.  I guess that just shows how varied our experiences can be!

-snip-

Well the two situations are a bit different, the woman in the OP wasn't invited to dinner.  But I do agree with you, when I was dating I found it was a 50/50 split between guys who would get insulted if you offered to pay and guys who would get insulted if you didn't at least reach for the bill.  dating experiences really are varied, aren't they?

Emmy

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Re: First date paying for dinner question.
« Reply #123 on: April 22, 2012, 01:02:14 PM »
I thought this was interesting - I told Sara's story to a group of friends.  I got to the part where the check came and Sara looked at the guy, waiting for him to take it, and the woman in my group immediately said "Oh no, that's so rude!"  After I finished the story, the two men didn't care whether Sara outright asked her date to pay.  One guy said "he clearly didn't like her or he would have grabbed the check right away" and the other indicated that if he had been the date, he probably would have paid (to avoid the awkwardness) but not considered a second date.

In my own dating history - on first dates (where the guy asked me out), I always offered to split the check.  It was a holdover from being a poor student, but this was well into my early 30s.  I found that the guys who accepted the offer to split the check never asked for a second date.  Guys who insisted on paying the whole tab were the ones who were interested.

I have been married for 6 years, but did a lot of online dating before meeting DH.  I also found the bolded to be true.  One surefire sign a guy was interested in another date was when he quickly picked up the tab on a first date.  When the guy accepted my offer to split the bill, usually I never heard from him again.  I actually preferred it because I would rather pay my own way if I knew there was no chemistry and I wouldn't see the guy again.  In a situation that was not a date, such as dining out with a group of friends, when a guy would offer to pick up the tab for my meal, buy me a snack, ect. that often meant he liked me. 

I am more old-fashioned and appreciate a guy who plans and pays for a first date, but still feel Sara was wrong.  It was rude of her to change the plans and then expect him to pay for her meal.  She can't expect that everybody has the same views on dating that she does and that the guy taking the girl out for dinner on a first date is something everybody does.  I am Sara's age and find the fact that she knew Jon was is in his early 20's and doesn't have a lot of money makes her behavior even more rude.  $20 may not be a lot of money to many people including Sara, but would be a lot of money to many people in their early 20's. 

If Sara has expectations of a dinner date, she should only accept dinner dates.  I also think she is much less likely to find guys who would take women on dinner dates in their early 20's.  When I was that age, many of my dates were just hanging out at somebody's house, taking a walk in a park, going to a movie, or something else inexpensive.  Many people that age have several expenses, but don't have high paying jobs.

TheaterDiva1

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Re: First date paying for dinner question.
« Reply #124 on: April 22, 2012, 04:26:00 PM »
It's not just the money - Sara changed the entire atmosphere of the date.  If I was invited over for drinks and gaming at someone's house, I'd expect a casual, laid-back evening.  Suddenly, going out to a fancy sit-down restaurant gets thrown into the mix.  I wouldn't have the mindset for that and would probably be underdressed.  If Sara really just wanted something to eat, regardless of who she expected to pay, why didn't she just order pizza or take-out and stick with the original plan?  Sounds like she deliberately pulled a bait-and-switch to me.