Author Topic: Boyfriend semi stood me up. (Update p. 11)  (Read 9579 times)

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Quest_

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Boyfriend semi stood me up. (Update p. 11)
« on: April 25, 2012, 04:56:02 AM »
Hi E-hellions,

Something happened this afternoon and I want to know whether you think my boyfriend was rude or not. I guess I'm also looking for some reassurance that I wasn't overreacting. :P

My boyfriend (let's call him Ryan) and I had plans to meet after my shift at work. We were going to see a movie and have dinner. I was collecting my belongings after clocking out when I noticed a few text messages on my phone. I did not have a chance to read them as the phone started receiving a call from Ryan. After I greeted him, he sheepishly asked if I had read his texts. As you know, I hadn't.

As it turns out, he was not waiting for me outside my work yet. He wasn't even in the suburb. He was about forty minutes away at a park with his friends. He told me I was welcome to join them for the night with whatever they did, or if I really wanted, he would just drive over and meet me so we could do the dinner and movie as planned.

This annoyed me for a few reasons:

1. I thought it was illogical that he would continue hanging out with his friends despite receiving no text confirmation from me earlier that I'd be fine to cancel our plans and join them instead.
2. I didn't really want to twiddle my thumbs for forty minutes plus waiting for him to arrive.
3. Even if I did say, no, I want you to come so we can have our date night, I'd probably end up looking like a controlling girlfriend, or at least feeling like one.

I told Ryan I was going to go home, have a shower and think about it. I think I was coolly polite. In the end I decided to just stay home and get some uni work done.

Would you call Ryan inconsiderate, if not rude?
« Last Edit: April 25, 2012, 12:17:17 PM by Quest_ »

Reika

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Re: Boyfriend semi stood me up.
« Reply #1 on: April 25, 2012, 05:33:02 AM »
I'd say he was both since it sounds like you had firm plans for the evening and he was ditching you for his friends.

Did you at least let him know in the conversation that you didn't have a chance to read his texts?

Quest_

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Re: Boyfriend semi stood me up.
« Reply #2 on: April 25, 2012, 05:47:03 AM »
Did you at least let him know in the conversation that you didn't have a chance to read his texts?

Yes, he knows I can't have my phone with me on shift so I think I said something like "well, no" when he asked.

Reika

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Re: Boyfriend semi stood me up.
« Reply #3 on: April 25, 2012, 05:51:27 AM »
Did you at least let him know in the conversation that you didn't have a chance to read his texts?

Yes, he knows I can't have my phone with me on shift so I think I said something like "well, no" when he asked.

 ???

So he knew you didn't have your phone on you and he still texted you? I guess that was a day for not thinking clearly.

RandomAngel

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Re: Boyfriend semi stood me up.
« Reply #4 on: April 25, 2012, 06:05:24 AM »
Both rude and inconsiderate. He had plans with you, then made other plans and went ahead with them. "You can come hang out with us or wait around forty minutes for me to honor my original commitment if that's what you really want" is not mitigation. It's a profound lack of appropriate social prioritization, and I'd be extremely put off by it.

Lady Snowdon

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Re: Boyfriend semi stood me up.
« Reply #5 on: April 25, 2012, 06:52:39 AM »
I feel like Ryan's got bad time management skills, not that he deliberately made other plans after he made plans with you.  At least, that's how the scenario always worked out in my experience, which of course colors how I see it here.  Ryan probably agreed to get together with the guys, thinking to himself "I'll hang out here until it's time to meet up with Quest_".  When he next looks at the time, he should have already left to meet you, so he texts you that he'll be late and/or that you could come join them.  Same with the phone call...he's realized what time it actually is, hence the "sheepish" tone of voice. 

My DH used to be very prone to this, only without the actual calls.  I'd call him to find out what's up, only to learn that he'd lost track of time.  He'd almost inevitably offer me the same thought - what if I came over to where he is instead?  It took a few times of demanding that he honor our original plans (fwiw, I don't think asking your boyfriend to honor plans he made with you makes you a "controlling" girlfriend) and a couple of conversations where I explained how this made me feel before he stopped doing it. 

MacadamiaNut

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Re: Boyfriend semi stood me up.
« Reply #6 on: April 25, 2012, 08:59:40 AM »
Maybe to Ryan, hanging out = hanging out and he was not hung up on exactly "what" you two do while hanging out.  So when he invited you to the park, he may not have thought it a big deal.  Possibly two different thought processes going on here.  To you it was dinner and a movie to him it was an evening where you're both together - doesn't matter where.

I say yes, he was rude to bail on the actual plans.  Whether it was intentional, I can't say.  Only you know the expectations and communication patterns with him.  You should have a talk with him about it, though.  Because whether he has always been like this or it's the first time, you obviously have an issue with it.  In this case, Ryan didn't completely bail and he gave you a couple of options so you could still see each other.  I'd go easy on him a bit.  I'm sure he doesn't see it the way you do.

I would have a slight issue with it too, btw.  I say "slight" because I often don't mind for the plans to change.  It all depends on how the change comes about though.  It's all about the context. 
Paperweights, for instance - has anyone ever established what, when, and why
paper has to be weighed down? ::) ~Don Aslett

Winterlight

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Re: Boyfriend semi stood me up.
« Reply #7 on: April 25, 2012, 09:53:12 AM »
I vote for clueless, inconsiderate and rude.
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls

Cami

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Re: Boyfriend semi stood me up.
« Reply #8 on: April 25, 2012, 10:05:01 AM »
Well, he basically decided he got a better offer than date night with you, ditched you (by sending you texts he knew you could not read), then as an afterthought invited you to tag along.

So my vote is for rude.
« Last Edit: April 25, 2012, 10:12:19 AM by Cami »

WillyNilly

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Re: Boyfriend semi stood me up.
« Reply #9 on: April 25, 2012, 10:33:32 AM »
I'm confused.  How did he "semi" stand you up?  He was supposed to meet you after work and he... didn't.  He 100% absolutely by every definition of the phrase "stood you up".  Now, I'll concede he tried to make it up to you with meeting later and either changing plans or revising plans, but he stood you up for your original date, no semi about it.

And standing someone up for no good reason is rude.  Period.  Sure car accidents, illness, heck even a flat tire could cause a major delay or even last minute cancelling of plans that we really just have to accept as "life happens" but hanging out in a park 40 minutes away?  Nope.  He stood you up in the rude way.

If I were you... well when I was young (teens, early 20's) I would have just gotten into a fight and carried on.  Now in my 30's, well its just not acceptable.  I mean I probably wouldn't break up over it happening once, but if it happened twice, or if it was part of a bigger pattern of disregard for me and my time and my preferences and spending time with me and prioritizing me?  Yeah that relationship would be over.

I mean even if he had picked you up after work and then tried to change plans "hey honey I know we said dinner and movie but its such a beautiful day out and honestly I'm a bit low on funds till payday - do you mind if we just hung out at the park?" that'd be ok.  But he ditched you.  At work.  To play with his friends.  Not cool.



ilrag

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Re: Boyfriend semi stood me up.
« Reply #10 on: April 25, 2012, 10:41:01 AM »
Oh man, I would have been livid.

The texts that he *knew* you wouldn't be able to read because you're at work would have made it worse for me.

To me nothing says "you're not important" like ditching you to hang out with other people.

Quest_

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Boyfriend semi stood me up.
« Reply #11 on: April 25, 2012, 12:16:42 PM »
Update:

It's all better now. Soon after starting this thread, Ryan texted me to ask if I might consider joining him for a coffee and late movie session, to which I agreed. He picked me up, and when I got into the car he spoke an apology which included empathy towards my feelings, acknowledgment that he screwed up, and an explanation of what his line of thought was.

Apparently while he was hanging out with his mates during the day, he told them that he'd have to leave by 4.15 to meet me at 5 and they said, "Oh, Quest should come have dinner with us!!" He thought that was a splendid idea and envisioned a fun night of Thai cuisine glory for all involved.

I think he had good intentions but carried them out in a very poorly thought out way. :P I don't imagine something like this will happen again for quite some time.

Thank you all for your thoughts and opinions! They were somehow quite soothing when I was still mad. I feel much better now though.

rashea

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Re: Boyfriend semi stood me up. (Update p. 11)
« Reply #12 on: April 25, 2012, 12:35:53 PM »
Tell him next time he needs to pick you up at the agreed time, and if he has thoughts on other plans, you can discuss them and decide what to do together.
"Manners change, principles don't. It's about treating people with consideration, respect and honesty." Peter Post

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MacadamiaNut

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Re: Boyfriend semi stood me up. (Update p. 11)
« Reply #13 on: April 25, 2012, 12:41:46 PM »
Thanks for the update, OP.  Glad it worked out and even more glad that you weren't the one who had to bring it up.  Bonus points for BF on that one!
Paperweights, for instance - has anyone ever established what, when, and why
paper has to be weighed down? ::) ~Don Aslett

JenJay

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Re: Boyfriend semi stood me up. (Update p. 11)
« Reply #14 on: April 25, 2012, 12:50:48 PM »
Tell him next time he needs to pick you up at the agreed time, and if he has thoughts on other plans, you can discuss them and decide what to do together.

Yes!