Boyfriend semi stood me up. (Update p. 11)

[Deetee]

I think WillyNilly's post is spot on.

3. Even if I did say, no, I want you to come so we can have our date night, I'd probably end up looking like a controlling girlfriend, or at least feeling like one.

Also, I want to pull this quote and warn you so strongly against this kind of thinking. Feeling that you can't ask for what you want and for what you were promised is so corrosive and unhealthy to you, to your relationship and to your boyfriend.

Instead of saying what you actually wanted you just went home.

It worked out, but it's just such a bad idea pn about 47 levels of badness. If you want something you can ask. If someone says something will happen, it is NOT RUDE and NOT SELFISH to hold them to the promise.

I feel strongly about this because I see this played out in long term relationships (many on this board) where one half of the couple makes feeble promises and expects that is enough and gets annoyed when the other half expects follow through (why would they? they never did before)
 

[LifeOnPluto]

I think WillyNilly's post is spot on.

3. Even if I did say, no, I want you to come so we can have our date night, I'd probably end up looking like a controlling girlfriend, or at least feeling like one.

Also, I want to pull this quote and warn you so strongly against this kind of thinking. Feeling that you can't ask for what you want and for what you were promised is so corrosive and unhealthy to you, to your relationship and to your boyfriend.

Instead of saying what you actually wanted you just went home.

It worked out, but it's just such a bad idea pn about 47 levels of badness. If you want something you can ask. If someone says something will happen, it is NOT RUDE and NOT SELFISH to hold them to the promise.

I feel strongly about this because I see this played out in long term relationships (many on this board) where one half of the couple makes feeble promises and expects that is enough and gets annoyed when the other half expects follow through (why would they? they never did before)

I agree that wanting to stick to your original plans does NOT make you a controlling girlfriend at all.

If it's really bothering you however, perhaps you could have tried for a compromise. Met him at the park, briefly hung out with his friends, then you and he could have left for movie/dinner.

[Quest_]

Thank you so much for the sweetness in your replies. I really appreciate that you want me to be in a healthy relationship. To be quite frank what some of you are saying about not being a controlling girlfriend for wanting Ryan to honour his original commitment resonates with me. Sometimes it feels like I have troubles with thinking of my feelings as valid and it's something I need to work on.

[Allyson]

The not looking like a controlling girlfriend thing is something I have to work on a *lot*. It's a really hard trap to get out of. There's this media image of a controlling, high maintenance girlfriend. She's really jealous, won't 'let' her boyfriend have any fun, takes him away from his friends, demands gifts, screams at him if he forgets an anniversary...there are countless jokes about this kind of relationship. Then there's the 'cool' girlfriend--all of the guys want a girlfriend like her! She never expects presents, but would rather sit around playing video games with the guys! She doesn't care about Valentine's Day! She's not jealous at all, in fact is happy to check out other girls with her boyfriend!

Some of these are close to me, but they aren't *all* me. And expecting to have promises kept does not mean I'm the Controlling Evil High Maintenance Girlfriend. No, a guy isn't 'whipped' (I hate this term) if he chooses his girlfriend over his friends most of the time. And a guy who treats his girlfriend like she's asking for diamond-plated shoelaces if she wants to go out for a nice dinner is not worth my time. But it's hard to believe that in my more irrational moments.

I don't have any real advice, and it sounds like it was a non-malicious mess up on Ryan's part, but I just wanted to express empathy for your reluctance to be 'demanding', even when your demands are totally reasonable.

[Raintree]

I think I understand the OP's feeling of not wanting to be a controlling gf. I think the issue is that it sounded very much like Ryan decided that hanging out with his friends would be way more fun than a date night with her. If she then demanded to stick with the original plan, she wouldn't enjoy it as much because now she knows Ryan really doesn't want to be there as much as he wants to hang out with friends.

Given the OP's update, I can kind of see that perhaps Ryan didn't mean it that way; perhaps he is more of a "go with the flow" person and if something comes up spontaneously it's nice to be able to adapt to how the day is playing out. (At least the OP was invited!!) But he did goof in not being there to pick her up at the appointed time. And he did apologize appropriately; some guys would have said, "Well geez, I can't believe you are making such a big deal of it; it was just dinner, we could have done that another time..."

I think the OP reacted appropriately by going home and doing something else; she did not try to force Ryan into something he didn't want to do but at the same time she did send the message that standing her up was not OK. And by not just going along with his change in plans and actually finding something to do without him, she sent the message that she isn't so desperate for his company that she will just go along with anything, and that he will have to try harder if he wants to spend time with her. I think that's a good thing to establish in a relationship lest the annoying behaviour becomes a pattern.