Friend asked me to be his best man, but I can't stand his fiance update #31

[FracturedPoet]

My friend (Jack) recently informed me that he is getting married in December and he wants me to be the best man at his wedding. The woman he is marrying (Jill) is unbearable. She complains constantly about little things that no one should care about, she holds a wicked grudge, and she refuses to even try to get along with any of Jack's friends. She basically tries to keep Jack to herself because she has no friends of her own. All of Jack's friends loath this woman and we've made it clear to Jack. This is Jack's first real relationship and we all think it's a terrible mistake. That said, we understand it's his life and not ours. I have no idea what to do or how to do it.

Do I suck it up and be his best man because he is a good friend of mine? Do I refuse and make up an excuse, or do I tell him why? Should I try to talk him out of marrying her? Do I even attend the wedding?

This woman is poison and I'm not exaggerating. We foresee Jack having no one but Jill in a couple years if they marry.

[Mental Magpie]

If you don't support the marriage, I wouldn't stand up as his best man.  Decline gently and say why, but don't go into detail.

"I'm sorry, Jack, but I can't support this, so I won't be able to be your best man."  If he keeps pushing, you can tell him why, but be gentle about it; don't feel obligated to tell him, though.

[Jones]

My DH's best man did NOT like me. Thankfully, not for any of the reasons you listed, but I'm a big enough person to admit they were some valid concerns. He stood up as best man and years later I found out about the fact he hadn't liked me. We're friends now, but I think I would have preferred one of DH's other friends, who did and do like me, to have been the best man.

[Ceallach]

This is not as unusual as you might think.  Basically the decision comes down to this:  Can you in good faith stand up and be his best man and support him as a friend? 

Many people will tell you to only do it if you support the union.  However, it is possible to be supportive of it and a good best man whilst still disliking the bride.   I know of one scenario where the best man pulled out (and unfortunately the bridesmaid who was his fiance!)  because they decided they didn't want to be part of it due to not thinking marriage was the right step for the B&G.  The couple did have their issues, but I'm pleased to say they have worked through them and a few years on they now have a very happy marriage and two beautiful children.  The friendship with the BM and bridesmaid who pulled out was irreparably damaged. The "replacement" best man also had some misgivings but supported his friend regardless, and their friendship is stronger than ever.  I know of other situations where the best man and friends have supported the relationship despite misgivings, and then been there to pick up the pieces afterwards when the relationship later fell apart as predicted.   What I'm saying is that you never know what will happen in the future.  You might be wrong about the bride, you might be right.   But now is when you have to decide whether or not you will be supportive of your friend. 

Either way, I think it's appropriate to gently explain to him as a friend that you have misgivings about the relationship, but that you want to be a good friend to him.  Do so in a non-confrontational way and hopefully he'll be open to it.  But I think you know that you're not going to change his mind about it either way, so it's really your call as to how far you support it for his sake.  In my observation, friends pulling away will often push a person further into a bad relationship, having the opposite effect to what they intended. So that's something else to take into consideration - if he's marrying somebody toxic, perhaps he'll need your friendship more than ever.  If nothing else, for support when it all goes wrong.

[Mental Magpie]

I was just in a wedding on Saturday, Ceallach, in which I disliked the groom very much but supported the marriage because it would be a good one.  I just didn't like him because our personalities clash, not because he's done anything wrong, really.  What I'm really saying is, I agree with you.  I think there definitely can be "dislike the bride but support the marriage". 

[FracturedPoet]

I don't support the marriage, at all.

[thlayly]

I agree with PPs. I think if the OP cannot bear to see his friend marry his fiancee, the OP should not be the best man and politely bow out. He can also tell his friend about his misgivings.

I also agree that one can support their friend and not the marriage- hoping that the  offensive spouse matures, hoping the friend wakes up and smells the java, or simply being supportive and picking up the pieces if the relationship should fail (and I am only talking about a spouse or partner one finds distasteful- not in fact abusive).

I am new at posting so I hope this makes sense!



edited because opting is not posting

[Mental Magpie]

I don't support the marriage, at all.

Then I wouldn't accept.  Tell him you're honored that he would choose you, but you can't accept.  My other advice still stands, too.

[kareng57]

In your case I think it would be best it you do decline.

From some of your previous posts it does seem as though you do have high requirements of people in general.  Many bridesmaids or groomsmen do agree to serve even if they are not crazy about the other half of the HC but it seems that it is more extreme in your case.  The HC  can likely find someone who is more supportive.

[Ceallach]

I don't support the marriage, at all.

If you can't support his decision under any circumstances then by all means decline to participate.   You will need to accept that this decision will inevitably impact upon your friendship.  Of course you shouldn't do something you are morally opposed to just for the sake of a friend, but it is an important consideration to weigh up how opposed you are to the marriage versus how much you care about being supportive of your friend.  Which is something nobody can answer but you!

[missmolly]

I would say decline, but as to whether you should explain why is a little difficult to call. You say that you've already voiced your misgivings to him once, but how did he take it? If his previous reaction was bad, then I wouldn't bother explaining.

[blarg314]

I think it depends a bit on what your duties are like. If it's just a matter of renting a tux and showing up at the wedding, then you can manage to put up with someone you dislike for part of a day. Then it's more a question of how much you want to support a marriage you think is a mistake.

If there's going to be a lot of interaction with the your friend and his fiance, I'd say decline, and be tactfully honest about it, but go to his wedding.

If all his friends hate his fiance to this level, this is something he's going to have to deal with.  Do you think that he's marrying someone that's really unpleasant, or marrying someone who is bad for/to him?  (ie, treats him badly, you can see negative personality changes as he's with her) If it's the latter, it would be kind ot make sure that you keep kind of connection with him. Isolating someone from their family and friends is a very common tactic of abusers - once they're totally alone except for the abuser, they have no-one to help or turn to if they want out.

[DuBois]

In your case I think it would be best it you do decline.

From some of your previous posts it does seem as though you do have high requirements of people in general.  Many bridesmaids or groomsmen do agree to serve even if they are not crazy about the other half of the HC but it seems that it is more extreme in your case.  The HC  can likely find someone who is more supportive.

POD to the bolded. If you dislike the bride because she doesn't like panhandlers, then I suggest that the problem might be with you

[QueenofAllThings]

I guess the question is can you support your friend without supporting his decision?

Many years back a dear friend of mine married a woman who was absolutely psychotic. None of us supported it in any way. We did go to the wedding, and his best friends stood up with him, because he was our friend. He later divorced her and remarried a lovely woman - and I hope it helped him to know that, even when he made a bad decision, we stuck with him.

If you can't see yourself acting as best man, I hope that you will attend the wedding.

[MariaE]

I guess the question is can you support your friend without supporting his decision?

Many years back a dear friend of mine married a woman who was absolutely psychotic. None of us supported it in any way. We did go to the wedding, and his best friends stood up with him, because he was our friend. He later divorced her and remarried a lovely woman - and I hope it helped him to know that, even when he made a bad decision, we stuck with him.

If you can't see yourself acting as best man, I hope that you will attend the wedding.

That was my thought as well. Especially if you feel Jill might try to isolate Jack from other people - sounds like he could use somebody in his corner.