Interesting update to the Pendragon Family saga...

[pendragon1980]

Players: (for whose who haven't followed my threads)

Grandma - My mom's mother. very enabling and a little demented. now living in a senior housing.
Good Uncle - Helps with Grandma's care, unfortunately had a wild teen and young adult life but has recently straightening up and stepped up.
Useless Uncle - My 30 some year old uncle is has never moved out on his own and never held more than a min wage job, pays no bills and is coddled by Grandma.
Toxic Aunt - too long a history of abusive and toxic behavior in the family to get into. recently tried blackmailing Grandma out of her car and some money with some very sensitive family information. Also coddled by grandma.

1) Grandma decided to give Toxic Aunt her car "just for a week".  We know we're not getting it back so Mom and Good Uncle are working to get grandma's name off the insurance. Grandma is boo-hooing how mean we all are to TA and how we don't "love and respect" her. We all agreed Grandma is not getting another car after this.

2) Good Uncle went to help Useless Uncle move into their new shared apartment today and Useless is...gone. No furniture, no note and no forwarding address.  Grandma doesn't know yet but I imagine when she is told there will be drama because Useless is her "baby". (I'm not shedding a tear because Useless is the uncle with whom I had the incident as a child. )

I'm sure more will follow soon.

[Twik]

I don't quite understand the last bit. Your two uncles will be sharing an apartment, and one of them has disappeared, rather than move?

If Useless is truly so useless, I doubt he'll stay away for long.

[VorFemme]

Useless was a "funny uncle" of the toxic sort - so having him vanish might just mean that Toxic Aunt can no longer blackmail anyone by saying that she'll pull all the family skeletons and dirty laundry out of the closet to pile on the front yard, take pictures, and post to Facebook. 

If he ends up in jail, well, he's the one who ran off and left to finally live on his own.  He can find out what it is really like to be "on his own".

[pendragon1980]

I don't quite understand the last bit. Your two uncles will be sharing an apartment, and one of them has disappeared, rather than move?

Let me clarify. Useless and Grandma were sharing an apartment. As grandma's dementia progressed we moved her into a senior housing center. So Useless was in an apartment by himself. Good had found a bigger apartment for the both of them. Good had already moved and went to help Useless move today...and found an empty apartment.

I'm personally think this is akin to a child running away for a few hours to "teach his parents" a lesson. Worry us all then show up to relieved open arms.

[heartmug]

I sure hope Good Uncle can not only afford the rent all by himself, but when Useless comes back, and they always do, he doesn't give him a couch or anything else to lie upon.  There is no way Useless can move in with your Grandma into her senior housing, is there?

[Lexophile]

1) Grandma decided to give Toxic Aunt her car "just for a week".  We know we're not getting it back so Mom and Good Uncle are working to get grandma's name off the insurance. Grandma is boo-hooing how mean we all are to TA and how we don't "love and respect" her. We all agreed Grandma is not getting another car after this.

Um, Love? Maybe. Respect? Why?

[pendragon1980]

heartmug - No, seniors only.

Lexophile - Because nothing is ever Useless's and Toxic's fault, according to Grandma.  We don't understand the trauma they've been though and the world is a cruel, cruel place we must protect them from.

Am I bitter? A little.

[weeblewobble]

I'm guessing Useless realized TA is just unstable enough to post the information she threatened to anyway and is high-tailing it.  He's done you a favor.  Hope he stays away.

And really?  Love and respect someone who threatens to air traumatic family secrets in exchange for cash?  No. Love and respect are earned.  No extorted.

Frankly, Grandma sounds like she needs just as much help as TA and Useless.  I think you need to have a serious sit down discussion with grandma.  She cannot keep funneling cash and cars to TA.  It's not a matter of not loving or respecting her or "protecting her from the world-" someone has to protect you and your mom.  Why is your pain and trauma (at the hands of Useless) less important than these dysfunctional black holes of neediness?

[doodlemor]

I'm guessing Useless realized TA is just unstable enough to post the information she threatened to anyway and is high-tailing it.

Perhaps TA is directly blackmailing Useless also, and is making big demands.  He doesn't have much, but she may expect him to get money through some sort of criminal activity.  She may even have started on him before she went to your grandmother.

I thought your mother had the car keys.  How did TA get the car?

I hope that your mother will be able to ban the toxic family from visiting your grandmother, as her dementia increases and she becomes more incompetent.

[pendragon1980]

Mom gave Grandma back the car keys, don't ask me why. I didn't agree with that decision but it was out of my hands. I, personally, think Grandma shouldn't be driving anyway with her dementia. But thats not my decision.

We notified the senior center about Toxic Aunt, they are going to call the police if she shows up and then us.

[doodlemor]

It must be hard on you Pendragon, to see all of this go on but to not have the direct power to deal with it.  Maybe your grandmother just wears your mother down. 

At least grandma won't be out on the road to hurt others or herself. 

I'm very, very glad to hear that TA isn't allowed to see grandma.

[icfrugal2]

1) Grandma decided to give Toxic Aunt her car "just for a week".  We know we're not getting it back so Mom and Good Uncle are working to get grandma's name off the insurance. Grandma is boo-hooing how mean we all are to TA and how we don't "love and respect" her. We all agreed Grandma is not getting another car after this.


I'm sure more will follow soon.
[/quote]

Don't you mean get the car out of your grandma's name, not the insurance?

[pendragon1980]

icfrugal2: Probably, whatever it takes to make sure Grandma isn't liable if she "loans" Toxic her car and Toxic does something stupid/illegal/crazy with it. I'm not directed involved in it. Good and Mom are discussing it today.

Its worn me down too. I tried for years to try to "fix" my extended family, only to be met with similar behavior. If not worse...(whole nother thread)

Finally about ten years ago, the lightbulb moment came and realized my family couldn't or/and didn't want to be fixed. So I kinda sorta cut them off. I would be polite but distant at family functions they were invited too but not initiated any contact on my own. I was basically forced to forgive Useless for what he did because we were family.

Now I couldn't cut them completely because of Grandma (who is sweet, if not clueless and enabling) and my Mom, who unfortunately has to deal with them because of protecting Grandma.

With Grandma living on her own, I can pretty much cut the Useless out of my life.

Unfortunately we all have to deal with TA every now and then because Grandma refuses too.

Good Uncle is done a lot lately to make up for his past, although if Grandma were not in the picture, I would not choose to have a relationship with him.

So in short, Grandma Pendragon seems to be the glue holding with mess of a family together. I haven't mentioned yet because I didn't think it was relevant but Useless, Good and Toxic aren't even biologically related to me. All three were adopted very young from foreign countries. So once Grandma passes there no reason for me and Mom to have anything to do with them.  (Part of the reason we think grandma coddles them and treats the rest of us like caretakers. )

[JoyinVirginia]

Thanks for the update and the helpful cast of characters. You just have to keep reinforcing to grandmother that you all are trying to provide her safe care and to make sure she has resources to provide for her needs, like food and housing, for the rest of her life.
” granny, TA and Useless are grownups and you should have confidence in them, that they will be fine.” Then how about that weather we have been having, how about that dancing dog. beandip! Lather, rinse, repeat.
Wait and see if useless visits granny ( to see if he asks for money and a car?) Before saying anything.