Friend asked me to be his best man, but I can't stand his fiance update #31

[NotTheNarcissist]

This thread reminds me of my BFF Denise who married a man who was a chronic liar. Since I dated his roommate & she lived farther away than I did, I got to spend more time with her future husband than she did. I'm talking about just hanging out with him. I was blown away by the many white lies he told her. He proposed. She said yes. I was a Maid of Honor. I did not want her to marry him. As the wedding date drew near, I told my BFF of his chronic lying. I told her it is not too late if she wants to postpone or back out. She said they had discussed his chronic lying & he promised to stop. I reiterated my concern. She would not be swayed. They were married. It was almost 30 yrs ago & they are still married. It has been a hard road for her. He still lies unlike anyone I know. It's her choice. I am glad I stood by her that day years ago & am still there for her.

Also this reminds me of a different friend. She was a BF at the time (but not today). She was having an affair with a married man. I said essentially I absolutely do not agree with your choice but when (not if) the chips fall, I am here for you & will support you as you pick up the pieces. Of course he dumped her & she had a meltdown. We were very close in those days & I'm so glad I was there for her.

I know you sound like you have made up your mind about this but I hope you re-consider. IMO at this point it's not about you, it's about your friend. You have been honest with him. He will probably need you in the future. Your presence at his wedding may mean more than you will ever know.

[Sharnita]

FWIW, a lot of churches require everyone who gets married to have pre-marriage counseling. Everyone I know who got married in a Catholic shurch had to get go through counseling first.

[FracturedPoet]

I know you sound like you have made up your mind about this but I hope you re-consider. IMO at this point it's not about you, it's about your friend. You have been honest with him. He will probably need you in the future. Your presence at his wedding may mean more than you will ever know.

Just when I thought I had everything figured out, you plant some doubt in the very back of my mind... or maybe it was already there.

Perhaps I am just being selfish. Perhaps I am upset that my concern for him was met with indifference. He asked for my straightforward, unvarnished opinion, and I really gave it to him. I was surprised when he responded with subtle gratitude, and once more when everything stayed exactly the same.

Do I really think refusing would make him reconsider? Would I be doing it because he deserves a best man who supports his decision or in retaliation for having chosen to marry this miserable woman after every friend he has told him to run? Assuming his mind is made up, no one else supports his decision, and I'm above doing something like that, it seems like there is much more to lose than there is to gain by refusing.

[Oh Joy]

FWIW, I made a very poor decision when I was much younger in moving in with a bad man.  Almost every friend and family member - and literally more distant acquaintences who stopped me on the street - had a 'come to Jesus' talk with me.  It didn't matter.  I needed to do it for reasons that are still are hard to articulate today, even though I knew it was a bad decision.

Point being, there were a few people in my life who I knew also saw the folly in my decision, and though they never pretended to support the idea, they let me retain an illusion of normalcy.  When I was ready to make the hard changes to get out of that bad situation, they were the first ones I was comfortable admitting it to.  I'm fully responsible for my own actions and stubbornness, but all of the lectures were part of why I didn't get out sooner.

Every situation is different, especially yours in that you're being asked to outright support the marriage and you've already talked to him about some of your concerns, but just another possible angle to consider.

Best wishes.

[Danika]

I know you sound like you have made up your mind about this but I hope you re-consider. IMO at this point it's not about you, it's about your friend. You have been honest with him. He will probably need you in the future. Your presence at his wedding may mean more than you will ever know.

Just when I thought I had everything figured out, you plant some doubt in the very back of my mind... or maybe it was already there.

Perhaps I am just being selfish. Perhaps I am upset that my concern for him was met with indifference. He asked for my straightforward, unvarnished opinion, and I really gave it to him. I was surprised when he responded with subtle gratitude, and once more when everything stayed exactly the same.

Do I really think refusing would make him reconsider? Would I be doing it because he deserves a best man who supports his decision or in retaliation for having chosen to marry this miserable woman after every friend he has told him to run? Assuming his mind is made up, no one else supports his decision, and I'm above doing something like that, it seems like there is much more to lose than there is to gain by refusing.

I think you should think of what you want as an end result. Best and worst case scenarios. In the end, you have to live with yourself.

I was in similar shoes a few years ago. My good friend was dating a total jerk. We'd been friends for a long time and had witnessed each other in many relationships. I knew how awful and unhappy her parents' marriage was and she and I had discussed their personality types and why they weren't compatible. Here she was reenacting the exact same scene. I had been there to pick up the pieces of her bad relationships many times. I just couldn't do it again. It was like watching a train wreck. I wanted to warn her, but I also really didn't want to be there listening to every single sob story after their union because I had already listened to all her sob stories before and had endured all her lows in her relationship with him. I decided that it was better to be honest with her and risk losing her friendship permanently than to let her marry him and be miserable. I felt like I was allowing a gigantic mistake to happen if I didn't say anything, although I knew that I had no business saying anything. I told her that I felt she was settling and my opinion was that even though I was sure she could find someone better, it would be better to be alone for the rest of her life if that's what she was afraid of, than it would be to marry him. She chose him as was her decision to make. Our friendship ended and *I* didn't have to suffer anymore listening to her awful tales about how he put her down, insulted her or treated her like crap yet again. I know she married him. I don't know if they're happy or not. I hope I was wrong about what I predicted for their marriage. I hope she's happy. But I am glad that I told her what I thought and I'd make the same decision again.

Contrast that with my husband. His best friend was like your friend. He'd never dated anyone. His wife had never dated anyone. They were set up by friends on a blind date. My DH and the groom's mom both told him before the wedding that he was making a mistake. The groom said he feared he'd never find anyone else willing to marry him (which is sad, because I'm certain quite a few women would have been happy to marry him). My DH was his best man, even though he told him how he felt. The couple is still married 15 years later. They're clearly miserable. The guy often tells my DH how miserable he is but he doesn't believe in divorce. But at least, I get along with his wife (they're just not happy, but I think they're both nice people) and at least we still get together once in a blue moon as couples to hang out.

I think there's no correct answer across the board. You have to do what you can live with and what you will regret the least.

[MariaE]

I know this is the least of it, but I know a number of people who married the first person they dated and who couldn't be happier. One of those is my sister - the started dating when she was 17, got married when she was 19, and now - 12 years later - they're still the happiest couple I know. So that in itself wouldn't raise any flags for me.

[MacadamiaNut]

I know this is the least of it, but I know a number of people who married the first person they dated and who couldn't be happier. One of those is my sister - the started dating when she was 17, got married when she was 19, and now - 12 years later - they're still the happiest couple I know. So that in itself wouldn't raise any flags for me.

Yeah, it wouldn't raise any flags for me either.  I think the chances of a couple lasting it out have nothing to do with things that are quantitative, like time together, number of previous partners, money, etc. 

Every couple's chance of making it seems based on the qualitative things like love, compatibility, trust, communication, etc.

[Ceallach]

I know this is the least of it, but I know a number of people who married the first person they dated and who couldn't be happier. One of those is my sister - the started dating when she was 17, got married when she was 19, and now - 12 years later - they're still the happiest couple I know. So that in itself wouldn't raise any flags for me.

Yeah, it wouldn't raise any flags for me either.  I think the chances of a couple lasting it out have nothing to do with things that are quantitative, like time together, number of previous partners, money, etc. 

Every couple's chance of making it seems based on the qualitative things like love, compatibility, trust, communication, etc.

Beautifully put!   

[LifeOnPluto]

I know this is the least of it, but I know a number of people who married the first person they dated and who couldn't be happier. One of those is my sister - the started dating when she was 17, got married when she was 19, and now - 12 years later - they're still the happiest couple I know. So that in itself wouldn't raise any flags for me.

I agree - I also have several friends in happy marriages who married the first person they dated.

However, I've also heard of people who married the first person they dated, and once they hit middle age, they (or their spouse!) suddenly felt like they'd missed out on dating different people in their youth, and felt trapped in their current marriages. In fact, I think there was recently a poster on these very boards whose husband suddenly left her because he wanted to play the field (they'd been together since they were teenagers).

My friends whom I mentioned above are still in their late 20s / early 30s, but I do wonder what will happen in ten or fifteen years time...

[Mikayla]

Perhaps I am just being selfish. Perhaps I am upset that my concern for him was met with indifference. He asked for my straightforward, unvarnished opinion, and I really gave it to him. I was surprised when he responded with subtle gratitude, and once more when everything stayed exactly the same.

Do I really think refusing would make him reconsider? Would I be doing it because he deserves a best man who supports his decision or in retaliation for having chosen to marry this miserable woman after every friend he has told him to run? Assuming his mind is made up, no one else supports his decision, and I'm above doing something like that, it seems like there is much more to lose than there is to gain by refusing.

That's an interesting question.  But the way to test it is ask yourself if you'd be willing to tell him, when you decline, that you still support him in a general sense and you'd love to be invited to the wedding.  He just deserves a best man who is fully behind this marriage, and you're not quite there yet. 

But you support his happiness and want to be part of it.

 

[Lovie]

From a different perspective, a couple people told me not to marry my husband. They took what little information they had about him - which was little to none - and formulated a very negative opinion of him.They told me that I could do better and that he wasn't good for me when they didn't know him at all because they would make no attempt to get to know him because they already decided their opinions of him. I'm now married to him and happier than ever. I did not have a traditional wedding so I never asked anybody to stand up for me but if somebody who had jumped to a conclusion about him refused to be at a wedding to support it would definitely have had an effect on my relationship with them. That would be a shame since they're the ones who were completely in the wrong and they just refused to see it through their stubbornness. You've already predicted doom and gloom for the rest of his life because of this marriage. I hope, for his sake, that he proves you wrong. Also, it is entirely possible for the first girlfriend to be The One.

[Sweet_Thang]

Just when I thought I had everything figured out, you plant some doubt in the very back of my mind... or maybe it was already there.

Perhaps I am just being selfish. Perhaps I am upset that my concern for him was met with indifference. He asked for my straightforward, unvarnished opinion, and I really gave it to him. I was surprised when he responded with subtle gratitude, and once more when everything stayed exactly the same.

Do I really think refusing would make him reconsider? Would I be doing it because he deserves a best man who supports his decision or in retaliation for having chosen to marry this miserable woman after every friend he has told him to run? Assuming his mind is made up, no one else supports his decision, and I'm above doing something like that, it seems like there is much more to lose than there is to gain by refusing.

I was in a very similar situation six years ago.  My BFF married a man that really, she was better off not marrying at all.  She knew how I felt about him.   I listened to her all the time when they had disagreements, fights, etc.  When he was drunk; did stupid things, etc.   I stood beside her always.  I could not understand what she saw in him other than the fact that he was the father of her child. 

The day of her wedding, I stood next to her as her MOH.  Just 40 mins prior to the wedding I was in the bathroom crying / commiserating with the other bridesmaid (another long time friend) in not understanding how in the world anyone would want to get married when all they did was fight; argue, etc.   (She was having a horrible screaming match at her future husband just an hour before the wedding - he was running behind and with his family whom she detested).   But I still stood next to her at the alter.   Put on a pretty smile and made sure that I didn't let it show how much I really detested the man.  It was her day and it's what she wanted.   Even though I knew it was wrong wrong wrong.   For about two to three months, I pulled away.   I was a newlywed myself before her wedding, so I was adjusting; but I also couldn't talk to her.   I just couldn't.  But over time, I let it pass and went on.   I tolerated her husband because of that; he was her husband.   The thing that mattered the most was that I was her friend.

Six years later; they divorced.   I stood next to her all those years and stayed her friend despite my dislike/disdain for her husband.  We are still BFF's.  And we are still there for each other.  She now acknowledges that she shouldn't have married him and should have just walked away, but she was afraid they had gone too far with the planning and such.

But the one thing she said to me, was that she was happy that no matter what, I was still there for HER.    I was not there for HIM, but for HER.

Don't decline your friends invite to be his Best Man.   You can support him but not support who he's marrying.   He's going to need you in the future.  Don't leave him out there alone.   

[Lynn2000]

I agree that the OP may want to consider letting his friend know that he supports him, no matter how his marriage turns out (assuming this is how the OP really feels about it). I don't necessarily think the OP has to demonstrate this by being the best man or otherwise "standing up" at the wedding, though; he could just go as a guest. People put a lot of different connotations onto being a member of the wedding party and what it means, so if the OP feels he can't go that far emotionally, I think it would be fine to just be a guest, and continue to be a friend to the groom.

[Mental Magpie]

I agree that the OP may want to consider letting his friend know that he supports him, no matter how his marriage turns out (assuming this is how the OP really feels about it). I don't necessarily think the OP has to demonstrate this by being the best man or otherwise "standing up" at the wedding, though; he could just go as a guest. People put a lot of different connotations onto being a member of the wedding party and what it means, so if the OP feels he can't go that far emotionally, I think it would be fine to just be a guest, and continue to be a friend to the groom.

I agree.  Even saying something akin to "I'm sorry, I can't stand up for you, but I want you to know I will be here for you as a friend" would work.

[BabyMama]

FracturedPoet, I know where you're coming from. One of my friends was engaged once to a woman nobody could stand. She barely showed up to any events, and when she did, it wasn't a great time. Even the stories my friend told about her made it seem like he didn't like her--yet he proposed to her and they were almost married before he finally broke it off.

Now he's engaged to another girl that we thought would be better--but he's moved to her hometown so she could be nearer her family, where he doesn't know anyone, and is working from home so has no way to meet new people, and apparently she has no male friends in the area so can't introduce him to anyone. He's paying two mortgages that he can't afford because her family told him they should hurry and buy a house near them, and "of course the other house will sell quickly." He gave up all his hobbies, as well as his education (was studying for a Masters) to do what she wanted. Every time I talk with him, he sounds miserable. He's told other people "I hope it gets better after the wedding." Whatever that means.  She seems like a nice girl but slightly out of touch with reality, and doesn't seem to have much thought for his  feelings and aspirations.

We all secretly fantasize about telling him exactly what we think about his choice in women--but of course, that never works out the way one thinks.  So instead we're all doing our best to support him (not the relationship/marriage/choices, but HIM).

*modified because "things" is different from "thinks"...