Thank You for Coming... Now LEAVE!

[Redsoil]

Is it possible to organise with another family member to hold a "follow-on" event elsewhere, so those who wish to prolong the gathering may do so at another place?   

So, breakfast at your place, lunch at the park/Aunty Jean's place/restaurant etc.  This way, it's much easier to get people out the door by announcing that "lunch gathering is at *place* at *time*, so we'll start winding up here to allow everyone time to get there". 

Another way of doing it may be to have "goody bags" with some treats in them to hand out, thus facilitating the leave-taking?  "Before you all go, we just wanted to hand out these little treat bags to take away - I did some home-made fudge and *other yummy stuff*"  Then segue into the leave-taking/putting on coats/ushering people out etc.  Also useful (as mentioned) to enlist the aid of another person or two who can get people moving out the door!  Any late-stayers can be told "Well, it's been lovely seeing you, but we have *other obligation* this afternoon, so we'll have to start getting ready for that.  Give me a call later on, and we'll catch up again soon!"

[carol1412]

I think the holiday matters.  July 4th, Memorial Day, Labor Day, Easter and Thanksgiving are not good days for a short gathering.   Mother's Day, Christmas, New Years Eve or Day, I think you can get away with a short event and not expect folks to linger.  But holiday or not, there are always lingerers so you need to be clear about the ending of the party. 

Some of the PPs have given good tips (warning announcements timed out close to the 'end time', getting a few others to help call it a day, etc.)  I'd suggest some other cues like having music playing during the event, then making a point to turn it off to signal the end.  Same with TV if kids are watching or playing video games.  Maybe prepare a 'favor' of some cookies or candy in a bag and start handing them out to signal the breakfast is over.

I have to disagree with you on this - there are people that take holidays as days to rest or days to get all those things done around the house they don't have time for otherwise. I'd be happy to see you for a couple of hours on any holiday, but need the rest of the time for myself.

One of my favorite childhood memories was pancake breakfast on 4th of July at my parents' friend's farm. They made pancakes, sausage, eggs, etc. in a cabin by their pond from 7-11, then we all went home to do other stuff before heading off to the fireworks. No one felt slighted or ignored by having a short time span and firm ending time.

[Bijou]

I would word the invitation something like this:

                            "Breakfast at Nine"
Begin your day with a morning gathering at Pennyandpleased's house.
Date:  May 12, 2012 
Time:  9am to 11:30am
A breakfast of traditional fare will be served at 9am. 



(Breakfast will be served at 9 is important so they don't think it is an open house with some showing up at 11:30 expecting breakfast.)

[learningtofly]

I like the suggestions you've had so far with a definite starting and ending time.  If they don't get the hint from the invitation you are going to have to walk them out.

We had a gathering that started at ten and by two our families started to clear out.  By three I was dead on my feet and my parents (who were staying with us) had started to fall asleep.  My FIL had fallen asleep.  MIL had even nodded off, but the nap must have been enough to keep her going.  By four I had had it.  I had already started to wrap up leftovers, but approaching MIL with her food got me a "Oh just put it in the fridge until we leave."  I didn't.  I kept wrapping up things and when she came into the kitchen I handed her food to her and said, "Here is your ___"  She took it, left the kitchen, turned to her husband and said," I guess we're leaving."  I felt rude, but I was also going to fall over.  Six hours was way too much.  She's still talking to me so I couldn't have offended her that much.

[TootsNYC]

See, I think it's much more polite, and warmer, to directly say, "I'm going to have to send you home, unfortunately. I'm zonked, and need some time to myself. This has been fun. Here's your food."

It feels much less critical.

[Smitty]

I find that different people have different expectations about what is a good length of time for a visit. With DH's family, we're expected to show up several hours before the meal, and stay for several hours after. In my family, an invitation for a meal means showing up shortly before the meal time, and visiting for an hour or two after, so 3-4 hours, tops.

The problem is, each group thinks their way is "normal". When DH's family comes to our house they expect to be there for six to eight hours! In their minds, it doesn't really count as a good visit unless a lot of time is spent together. For "dinner" they expect to show up at 2pm and leave no earlier than 8pm.

I deal with it by not offering to host family get-togethers for DH's family unless I'm prepared to spend a full day doing nothing else. Trying to restrict the event to only a few hours would hurt their feelings and they would interpret it as "I don't want to spend time with you." It's not a hill for me to die on, so I just go with it when I'm hosting. When we go to someone else's house we sometimes arrive later or leave earlier if we have other things we need to do that day - for some reason that doesn't offend the way hustling them all out the door would.

For the OP, I think the only way to get a group that perceives long visits as "normal" to get out after a few hours is to make it clear when inviting that there is a firm ending time, and that you have to do something else (in other words, it's not about them).

[peach2play]

"You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here." while handing them their coats and things.  I understand that it's a faaaaaammmily holiday, but my time limit for holidays is 1.5 hours.  Just because the whole family wants to hang out doesn't mean they have to hang out at her place. 

[TootsNYC]

I think if someone in my family had a limit of 1.5 hours, then I would not want them to be the host of the "official family gathering" for a holiday.

They're not equipped for it, even if their house *IS* big.

[Sophia]

But, in the OP's family it seems the norm is an all-day holiday.  I think the only way to pull it off would be to tell people ahead of time that the OP's nuclear family will be leaving to do XYZ at ABC time. 
In my family that would be a bit odd, normally everyone takes a nap in the middle.  But, if the travel wasn't far then someone else could host the "Hanging Out" time.

[QueenofAllThings]

OP, this has happened with some of our cocktail parties.

We turn up the lights (not too helpful for a daytime party) and whisk away any sign of food or alcohol. Perhaps if you clear the table and run around collecting glasses, people will get the hint.

I disagree with those who say that, because it's a family gathering around a holiday, that you need to be prepared to host all day or give up the duty to someone else. Perhaps because we see each other often, most of my extended family is not interested in seeing each other all.day.long. And it's exhausting for the host and hostess.

[TootsNYC]

I don't think the official family gathering needs to be all day, but 1.5 hours is too short. I even think 3 is a little on the short side. 4 hours makes sense to me, and 5 maybe depending on the holiday.

[CakeBeret]

I don't think the official family gathering needs to be all day, but 1.5 hours is too short. I even think 3 is a little on the short side. 4 hours makes sense to me, and 5 maybe depending on the holiday.

But I think the hostess has the right to a shorter gathering if that's what she wants. If the relatives think it's too short, they can not attend, or find a way to congregate afterwards. I don't think the hostess should feel obligated to have a gathering that will leave her overly exhausted, even though the guests would prefer it.

[Lynn2000]

I think some good advice has been given about how to gently let people know it's time to leave--cleaning up, putting the refreshments away, etc..

I guess I don't feel like the family is getting shortchanged by having only a 3-hour party, even if they would prefer to have a six or eight-hour one. The OP said they all lived close by, so once people saw that her party was for only three hours, someone else in the family could easily arrange to take the "afternoon shift" to continue celebrating the holiday, or collectively people could decide to go to a restaurant or park, if they wanted to continue hanging out with each other. Or, they could simply choose not to attend the OP's gathering, if they felt she wasn't being hospitable enough.

I would not at this point call them rude for their tendency to linger, if that's the norm in their family and other hosts have let them get away with it even if they didn't really want to. But the OP also isn't rude, to set limits on her gathering and enforce those limits politely--the rude people are the ones who think those limits don't apply to them (when the OP shows she means them) or who grumble publicly about them.

[Sharnita]

I don't think the official family gathering needs to be all day, but 1.5 hours is too short. I even think 3 is a little on the short side. 4 hours makes sense to me, and 5 maybe depending on the holiday.

But I think the hostess has the right to a shorter gathering if that's what she wants. If the relatives think it's too short, they can not attend, or find a way to congregate afterwards. I don't think the hostess should feel obligated to have a gathering that will leave her overly exhausted, even though the guests would prefer it.

But then I think the host(ess) also needs to be ready to gracefully accept if in the future they decide to have somebody else host.

[baglady]

Am I the only person feeling disappointed for all the gathering relatives?

It's a holiday, and getting together with family is important. But only 3 hours' worth? Even if it turns out you're in the middle of having fun?

If the other tradition you want to start is so important, I vote for not hosting at all. Then someone else can host who will understand what the family wants (time with family), and you can leave early.

Why? Do you think it's okay that a bunch of relatives monopolize a host's entire day?

Are you really trying to tell that a host that she must not put on an event because someone else might do a better job?

I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all answer to this because everyone's family is different. And everyone within an individual family is different. For some folks it's unheard of to have a specific end time for a family holiday gathering, while others appreciate knowing ahead of time that the event won't tie up their whole day.

I don't think (general) you can come out and say, "If you aren't willing to have them all day, don't host," unless you know for a fact this family is going to take major umbrage at being shown the door.

I'd suggest something like, "Gee, I hate to break this up, we're having so much fun! But I'm afraid we have to, because we're expected at ___ in half an hour/we have tickets to ____/we promised the kids we'd ____ this afternoon. Would anyone like a muffin for the road?"