General Etiquette > Family and Children

I'm really not a horrible daughter-Update page#3

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twilight:
Background: My father is an extremely toxic individual who was very abusive both physically and emotionally throughout my childhood.  I stopped living with him at the age of 18 but even into my adult years he still tries to manipulate.  He is mellower now (courtesy of being over-medicated) but I still avoid him when at all possible even though he only lives an hour away.  I see him maybe once a year at most (sometimes not even) and give him a brief call on his birthday.  Even that little bit of contact puts me in such a nervous state that I spend days leading up to these encounters with my stomach tied up in knots.

Additional background:  I am the oldest child.  I have a much younger brother and sister.  We are all adults now in our 30’s.  I got the brunt of Dad’s behavior.  DB got some of my Dad’s abuse but I was the self-assigned protector so I always tried to shield my little brother from my Dad when I could.  By strikingly stark contrast my little sister was the favorite and was never abused.  In fact quite the opposite….my dad puts her on a pedestal.  Case in point - he removed me from the will so she could have my share and because I am self sufficient.  That is fine- I seriously do not want a penny from the man but this is an example of the family dynamic.  I also do not trust my sister for many reasons I won’t go into and I don’t have much contact with her either.   She now lives with my dad along with her DH so they can cut back expenses.

The question:  My sister is throwing my dad a birthday party next month (milestone birthday)   I am going despite having a pit in my stomach about it.  About 50 people from my father’s side of the family are coming.  They have not seen me in many years, some as long as a decade or more.  I am very concerned that they will interrogate me about why I do not visit often and there are a few I would not put it past to openly criticize me for not seeing my father more frequently.   They criticized me years ago for failing to clean up my dad’s act (long backstory but I received many angry and disturbing phone calls telling me what a horrible daughter I am) so there is a high expectation that some comments will be made. I think they compare my sister’s relationship to my dad with my own and think I am just a bum daughter.   I really don't care what they think but would like to avoid conflict at the party and am looking for polite suggestions to respond to these comments without creating drama or saying, “I avoid my dad because he is a sadistic son of blank?”

Shoo:
"The reasons are long and complicated, and I don't wish to discuss them with you.  Bean dip?"

Why would you feel the need to have such a personal conversation with people you aren't close to?  I sure wouldn't!

rashea:
"There are two sides to every story, I've just chosen not to air that laundry."

Piratelvr1121:

--- Quote from: rashea on May 01, 2012, 04:15:00 PM ---"There are two sides to every story, I've just chosen not to air that laundry."

--- End quote ---

Exactly this.  This is the tactic I take whenever a few family members have asked me why I am not going to make amends with my parents now that I've had another child that they have not and will not meet.  They are toxic towards me, but put on the nicey nice act with the rest of the family.  Thankfully the majority of my dad's side of the family have taken a neutral stance and do not ask me for my reasons.   Some have even said they don't want to hear said reasons.

For those who feel compelled to ask me, like a cousin and his wife, I just shrug and say "I have my reasons, but I do not wish to talk about them. Bean dip?"

ETA that this has worked with all but one very stubborn aunt on my mother's side. Interestingly enough one of her sisters (who is also my godmother) understands where I'm coming from and the other thinks her big sis can do no wrong.  ::)

gramma dishes:
Let's see what we have here.  Your Golden Girl little sister (who has taken your "share" of the estate in your Dad's will and who lives, along with her boyfriend with your Dad) is giving him a birthday party.  Just thinking about going to it ties your stomach in knots for weeks in advance.  There will be other relatives there who possibly consider you to be a "bad" daughter and may harass you about it.

Question: What will YOU get out of it?  Ulcers, migraine, colitis, lowered self esteem, repressed anger?  Why are you going?

To me this sounds like you (no one else) dragging yourself kicking and screaming straight into a torture pit!

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