I'm really not a horrible daughter-Update page#3

[Mental Magpie]

"There are two sides to every story, I've just chosen not to air that laundry."

POD.  And if they just will not stop with the questions, leave the party.

Then this is your option if you're insistent on going (which I for whatever the reason understand).

[whatsanenigma]

I'm rather inclined to think you might want to reconsider going, too, but I understand that it is important to see the other people you mentioned, etc. If you aren't an intimate part of the party organization (just a guest, with no responsibilities) I would suggest suddenly being "too ill to attend, so sorry" or something else plausible, to do with work, maybe, that you "just find out about" an hour before the party.

I'm not trying to convince you not to go, though.  You have your reasons and well, they're your reasons. That's just an idea for if you decide not to go after all.

As far as the party itself, hopefully with 50 people there, you can find a way to avoid the serious grilling.  Somebody starts in on you about why you haven't been around, you could just say "Well, you know how it is when [applicable reasons here: You're a mom, your job is demanding, your health has been iffy, whatever], you just don't get to spend the time with people you would like to." (Notice you're not saying you want to spend more time with  your father, just more time with "people" which could mean anything.)  Something like that and then bean dip.

And then if pushed harder, you could suddenly see someone you need to talk to.  "Oh, I'm so sorry, I see Aunt Mary over there and I've got to go tell her about something".   Or, "I'm sorry, I really need to powder my nose/refill my drink/check if sister needs help, I will be back in a bit" and then just get "distracted" by someone or something else and don't make it back.

If the person keeps pursuing you at this point, I would think they would be drawing some negative attention to themselves by being loud or pushy or whatever and that would be the person's own fault, not a bad reflection of you at all, only of them.

[gramma dishes]

You know you have our support no matter what you decide to do. 

If you DO decide to go, if someone starts grilling you I'd just smile my biggest ear-to-ear smile and say "You know, I don't think this is the time or the place to discuss this.  Isn't this the best bean dip ever?" and extricate yourself from that person as quickly as possible.

Of course there will never be a "time or place" to discuss this (at least not with them), but at least you will have made your position clear with reasonable tact.

But please, if you feel that you're being ganged up on, just leave.  [Be sure you've parked where you can get out.]

[Corvid]

Since you cannot bring yourself to skip the party, you may want to have a plan going in.  Decide how long you want to be there and who you want to touch base with.  Go in, execute your plan, and get out.  As gramma dishes pointed out, if you're driving, park where you can easily leave when you're ready.  Be prepared to leave earlier if you feel uncomfortable.

The less time you're there, the less time for someone to decide to tell you a thing or two.  You didn't mention if alcohol would be served.  If it is, you may want to consider being there earlier rather than later if it's likely someone will get tanked up and belligerent with you.

You can have more control over this situation, or at least how this situation affects you, than you may think.

[LEMon]

Make sure you control your transportation - knowing you could leave gives you more emotional strength.

Is there a way to take a friend with you as a support system?

Read up on 'beandip'.  Pick a few favorite excuses: 
"excuse me, I need a new drink/nibble" said as you move off
"there is so-n-so, I need to go say 'Hi' " said as you move off
"did you see her new baby?  Isn't it the cutest?"
"how is your daughter/son/husband/wife/best friend do"
"what have you been up to?"

My concern is that reasons you are going are emotional ones, and you seem to admit that you can be responsive to other's emotional manipulation.  Can you find a way to step back emotionally if someone starts a "but they are family and you should love/honor/obey/spend lots and lots of time with your family"?  Or will this really hurt your heart?

[Mental Magpie]

Make sure you control your transportation - knowing you could leave gives you more emotional strength.

Is there a way to take a friend with you as a support system?

Read up on 'beandip'.  Pick a few favorite excuses: 
"excuse me, I need a new drink/nibble" said as you move off
"there is so-n-so, I need to go say 'Hi' " said as you move off
"did you see her new baby?  Isn't it the cutest?"
"how is your daughter/son/husband/wife/best friend do"
"what have you been up to?"

My concern is that reasons you are going are emotional ones, and you seem to admit that you can be responsive to other's emotional manipulation.  Can you find a way to step back emotionally if someone starts a "but they are family and you should love/honor/obey/spend lots and lots of time with your family"?  Or will this really hurt your heart?

I like the friend idea.  You can ask your friend to intervene when it's obvious you need it but may not be responding to it yourself.  For example, someone takes you off guard with an accusation/question, and while you splutter, your friend can step in with a bean dip.  It's a lot easier to remember a preplanned bean dip when you're not the one being assaulted.

[whatsanenigma]

I like the friend idea.  You can ask your friend to intervene when it's obvious you need it but may not be responding to it yourself.  For example, someone takes you off guard with an accusation/question, and while you splutter, your friend can step in with a bean dip.  It's a lot easier to remember a preplanned bean dip when you're not the one being assaulted.

Or you could even plan a little ruse in advance so your friend could discreetly get you out of the situation.  She could claim a problem with her contact lens and could you help her get to the ladies' room so she can fix it.  Or to leave the party all together, she could say, "sorry to interupt you two but it's 5 minutes until 3pm now" and you could say back, "Oh that's right, you said you would have to leave at 3 for [reason]" then to the other person, "sorry, I have to run".

Lots of possible variations on this one.  And if you discuss the party in advance with the friend, you might find more bean dip possibilities for your own self.

[Mental Magpie]

I like the friend idea.  You can ask your friend to intervene when it's obvious you need it but may not be responding to it yourself.  For example, someone takes you off guard with an accusation/question, and while you splutter, your friend can step in with a bean dip.  It's a lot easier to remember a preplanned bean dip when you're not the one being assaulted.

Or you could even plan a little ruse in advance so your friend could discreetly get you out of the situation.  She could claim a problem with her contact lens and could you help her get to the ladies' room so she can fix it.  Or to leave the party all together, she could say, "sorry to interupt you two but it's 5 minutes until 3pm now" and you could say back, "Oh that's right, you said you would have to leave at 3 for [reason]" then to the other person, "sorry, I have to run".

Lots of possible variations on this one.  And if you discuss the party in advance with the friend, you might find more bean dip possibilities for your own self.

Those all fall under bean dips, to me    I equate bean dip with distraction.

[Piratelvr1121]

I like the friend idea too.  Heck, your friend could even escape to the outdoors or an unoccupied room and either call or text you with an emergency that requires you to leave ASAP.

I can understand wanting to go to a family thing to see family or out of a feeling of obligation.  My cousin just got married this past Saturday and we had gotten the "Save the Date" and we had been asked if we were going to go to the wedding and I said "maybe." When the invitation came I saw just how inconvenient it would be with 3 kids as it was a good drive away and one of those kids is nearly 6 months old, I went back and forth as to whether I should go or not.

I ended up not going because it was just easier than trying to avoid my parents the whole time, schooling the boys in what to do, and keeping the baby from getting passed to them.  While I do miss getting to see family, it really wouldn't be worth the stress to go and I really wouldn't have had any fun at all.   

[jedikaiti]

I like the friend idea too.  Heck, your friend could even escape to the outdoors or an unoccupied room and either call or text you with an emergency that requires you to leave ASAP.

And if you can't get a friend to go with you, arrange to have someone call you a couple times during the party. If it's going well, don't answer. If you need to get out, "Uh oh, Best Friend's car broke down in a questionable area, and the tow truck is going to take forever to get there. I better go wait with her."

[Piratelvr1121]

And if you've already committed yourself to going and change your mind, you could say "I'm so sorry, I realized I made a mistake when I rsvp'd, as I totally forgot that I already had a commitment for that date before I knew about this party. That'll teach me to not double check my planner! So sorry!"

[cicero]

Let's see what we have here.  Your Golden Girl little sister (who has taken your "share" of the estate in your Dad's will and who lives, along with her boyfriend with your Dad) is giving him a birthday party.  Just thinking about going to it ties your stomach in knots for weeks in advance.  There will be other relatives there who possibly consider you to be a "bad" daughter and may harass you about it.

Question: What will YOU get out of it?  Ulcers, migraine, colitis, lowered self esteem, repressed anger?  Why are you going?

To me this sounds like you (no one else) dragging yourself kicking and screaming straight into a torture pit!

I absolutely agree with this.

I understand that you feel that you *have to* be there. but you really don't.

there is no etiquette or family justification that dictates that one has to celebrate with their abuser - even if that abuser is your father.

(and not etiquettely related, but if you feel guilty, and you feel like you should go even though every inch of your being is screaming "no, don't go!", then working this out through therapy might be helpful).

and in case it wasn't clear:
you are NOT  a horrible daughter.

you are NOT a horrible anything.

You are a wonderful person who had some hardships in their life and managed to over come them.

parents who abuse their children are the horrible ones.

[Iris]

Gramma Dishes and Cicero have said everything I wanted to say, and said it very well. I am just posting to reiterate that you are not, never have been and never will be, a bad daughter. Your father is a bad father and I'm sorry but I don't have a very high opinion of Golden Girl either.

[weeblewobble]

"That is none of your business."  and then walk away. 

[Irishkitty]

Twilight, what is your relationship with your brother like and will he be there? I only ask because, if taking a friend is not an option, then perhaps you could speak to him beforehand and ask him to accompany you and help deflect the negative comments/questions? If he was willing perhaps he could even help you with your responses.

Please please weigh up your emotional health and well-being versus seeing those few nice relatives.

The result of seeing your father, sister and toxic relatives may outweigh any benefit of seeing the good ones. No one here will judge you for refusing to ever see your father again, he doesn't get kudos for reaching a milestone birthday or mellowing.

This is a situation you can control. Either by not going or if you go, being prepared with responses and beandip. Just remember that.