I am not hiding from you

[Pippen]

Hi I am new and this is my first post. Please be gentle with me.

I have a lot of house guests. Good friends, friends of friends, waifs and strays picked up along the way. One thing I have noticed which drives me to distraction is the number of people who, if they need something or would like to ask me a question basically just stand where they are and shout my name in the hope that I will come running to see to their needs.

For example I was down the far end of the garden lopping some branches. It wasn't a huge distance but not one that is comfortable for having a conversation. One young lady just stood on the veranda yelling my name and when I answered expected me to climb down from what I was doing, go up to the house and see what she wanted. She seemed most put out when I said I was busy but if it was urgent she could come down to where I was and ask me where I was. As it turns out she wanted me to come and look at the bed socks she had just brought.

Other times I will be in my office with the door closed and hear my name being shouted only to come downstairs for some minor request or relay of information such as "Do you think it will rain in the next 20 minutes?", "Oh look what I found on Youtube".  When it happens up to 15 times a day it gets very tiresome and they just don't seem to listen when I say "If you have any further questions can you please come and look for me rather than yelling out for me."

It has got to the point where I just go "I am in the office/garden/kitchen/garage" etc and then go silent until the come to me, put mostly they just keep up with it like they are summoning a servant.  When I refuse to come to them they accuse me of hiding from them! Sometimes I wish I could.

It is just such odd behaviour and I think it is ingrained from quite early on as the ones who do it manifest it in other ways as well. Am I being rude to not come running for every request because some of them really do have me shaking my head.

[Giggity]

Why would it be rude to not come running for every request?

[Oh Joy]

Welcome to the board, Pippen!

In general, I don't see anything wrong with requesting that your houseguests find you when they need you.  It sounds like you're handling it appropriately. 

If you're also looking for suggestions, perhaps you could work a request into your 'orientation' to new guests.  You know, 'the bathroom's here, help yourself anytime to drinks in the fridge, and if you need me I prefer when people come find me rather than hollering and waiting for me to come to them.'

Best wishes.

[mrs_deb]

The only people I would run to if they called my name would have been my parents.  Other than that, people should be coming to find you if they need you.  You're not in the least bit rude.

[Pippen]

Thanks everyone,

Your responses have helped clarify in my mind why I find this so annoying. I try and make my self as available as possible and give them a very thorough orientation after I have settled them in. I don't mind if it is a genuine issue such as if they have set fire to something. (Yes. It has happened! Tea lights are now banned from the house.)

I think one of the reasons it sets me on edge is I always associate yelling for someone as an emergency and I don't want to have some kind of 'boy who cried wolf' situation on my hands. I may explain this to them and see if it makes a difference as they seem to take my response and then silence until they come and find me as me being difficult, where as I see summoning someone for something trivial as disrespectful of their time and work.

Oh and sorry, I realise I have posted this in the wrong board.

[Iris]

Thanks everyone,

Your responses have helped clarify in my mind why I find this so annoying. I try and make my self as available as possible and give them a very thorough orientation after I have settled them in. I don't mind if it is a genuine issue such as if they have set fire to something. (Yes. It has happened! Tea lights are now banned from the house.)

I think one of the reasons it sets me on edge is I always associate yelling for someone as an emergency and I don't want to have some kind of 'boy who cried wolf' situation on my hands. I may explain this to them and see if it makes a difference as they seem to take my response and then silence until they come and find me as me being difficult, where as I see summoning someone for something trivial as disrespectful of their time and work.

Oh and sorry, I realise I have posted this in the wrong board.

Also, it's just rude. As I am constantly saying to my children and (mostly) my students "I am not your dog, do not call me to you as if I were." I wouldn't say that to another adult, though. I would maybe just go with ignoring them (provided you are reasonably sure there isn't an emergency) until they have the courtesy to walk to you.

[JenJay]

My kids do this and it drives me crazy! I do the same as you and say "I'm in the kitchen and can't hear you. If you need me you'll need to come in here and talk to me." any further hollering is ignored.

[sarahmksm]

I totally POD JenJay.  My kids do this, and I call back that I can't hear them, they'll have to come to me.

It's something of a pet peeve of mine, because my parents did this *all* the time to me as a kid.  If they wanted me, they'd yell for me, interrupting what I was doing.  If they really wanted me to drop what I was doing and do what they wanted, fine.  But other times, when they just wanted to "see what I was doing" or ask me a question... I think that in general the person who wants the other's attention should be the one to go to the other.

In your case, I'd call back, "I can't hear you!" and then wait until they come to you.  And ignore any "hiding" comments.  The only thing I'd mention about those is, is it possible that your houseguests expect you to be focusing all your attention on them, like you might with short-term invited guests, and that they feel like you invited them over and then aren't present?  If so, then you might want to make sure that they understand what to expect from the moment you extend the invitation: "I'd be happy to have you stay with us, but just so you know I do have a lot of work that I need to get done, so I'll need to carry on as usual for the most part."  Or something.

[magician5]

My usual response, whether in the bathroom or shower or up a ladder or on the phone, is "I'm kinda stuck!" It allows for emergency appeals but usually forestalls calls from those who just don't want to leave the TV.

[acicularis]

Ack! Your guests behave like my children. I cannot stand being expected to drop everything and run to someone who is not having any kind of emergency. I also refuse to have entire yelled conversations (I don't mean something simple like "Mom, have you seen my flip flops?"  "Check the front door." "OK"  I mean an extended exchange. If you want to have a conversation, come to me and we'll have it in the same room!)

As others have advised, I'd just holler back (as pleasantly as possible) "I'm in the kitchen!" (or wherever you are), in an effort to train them to come to you instead of just hollering for you to come when called. I suppose if someone is especially persistent, you could go racing in to them, only to act puzzled that there is no emergency. "Oh my goodness, when you kept yelling like that, I thought it was some kind of emergency!"

[Barb3000]

DH is known for doing this as well, drives me crazy.

[Mental Magpie]

I never realized why Dark Boyfriend's habit drives me crazy!  He does exactly this, but in an even more frustrating way!

"Dark Magdalena!"
"What?"
"..." 
Then I have to go where he is and ask him "What?" again.  The first time this happened, I yelled "What?" again a second time, then went flying into the kitchen because I thought there was an emergency.  I asked him why he didn't answer me when I asked what he wanted.  "I don't like having yelling conversations."  I don't either (unless it's a short exchange such as a PP mentioned).  He didn't even ask, "Could you come here for a second, please?"  I never realized why this irritates me so much until now.  It's like I'm being summoned and that what I am doing is so trivial as to what he's doing that he can't be bothered to come find me to interact.  Now I have to find a way to explain this to him.

[wolfie]

My spouse used to do that too. Then I figured that if it isn't important enough to answer me when I say what then it isn't important enough for me to go find out what either. Most of the time it just just kinda fades away but now if it really is important he comes to me to talk it over.

[Iris]

Yes, I'm with Wolfie. Just don't go. If he really wants you he will come to you. If he asks why you didn't come say "You didn't answer or come here so I figured it wasn't important."

I am also fond of the icy stare with the remark "I am not your dog. You don't yell at me when you want me." but admittedly I use that more with students than DH or the kids.

[jpcher]

Another Welcome to the Board, Pippen!

Along with the PPers, this was an extremely aggravating occurrence with my children.

To the point where I told them that they knew where I was. I will not tolerate any more yelling conversations across the rooms. I stopped answering them when they yelled out my name.

Culmination was when the phone rang one time. I got up to answer the phone. It was one of the DDs. "Hi, Momma. Can you come to my room for a minute?"

I hung up the phone without comment (yeah, I hung up on her. How rude of me!) went to her room and there she was comfy cozy on her bed. She asked me "When's dinner going to be ready?"

Long story short, she said "But I didn't yell!"

Yup. She lost phone privileges for a week.



Pippen -- you're doing such a good thing with all of your house guests. They need to respect you. Don't feel bad about "training" them or setting down the rules (maybe at a house meeting?) Let everybody know that you will not come when they call. They need to seek you out without yelling.

The "I can't hear you! I'm in the kitchen (or whatever)" is a good response.