Mooching "Friend" strikes again - OP edited to contain link

[DavidH]

I'd focus on the times she mooches from you and leave incidents with others (Karen) for them to deal with. 

For something like the chips, it's hard to credibly say that the bag of chips is too expensive, rather I'd just say "I don't want chips, if you want them, go ahead and get them for yourself."  If her excuse is that she doesn't have her money with her, you can either offer to wait until she goes and gets it (which I'd recommend) or as soon as you return to the car remind her to pay you back so you don't forget later on. 

As others have said, she mooches because you let her, the think you need to do is nicely say no.

 

[DollyPond]

I am a little curious as to what Kay's quirk is when it comes to "what constitutes a meal."

There are 2 answers to this:

On this and other trips she never wants to actually stop for lunch (sometimes dinner) because her car is full of chips, snacks and candy.  "Why do we need to buy food when we have all of this food in the car???"  Sorry, candy and snacks do not equal a meal for me.

Also on this trip she ordered an appetizer of 5 shrimp as her meal for dinner.  (I'm OK with this if someone is not feeling particularly famished)  But then she insisted on offering these 5 shrimp up for sharing with the rest of the table and was kind of put off when people declined. (She is quite "virtuous and martyr-like" you know)

Sometimes at restaurants after everyone is done she will collect everyone's  leftovers in to-go boxes and take them home because everyone else is "wasting their food".  As I said, she has several food-related issues. 

[StuffedGrapeLeaves]

DollyPond, she sounds exhausting.  I like your plan of stepping away from this friendship. 

[MerryCat]

DollyPond, she sounds exhausting.  I like your plan of stepping away from this friendship. 

This, very much. If you do find you find yourself in a checkout line with her again, and she tries to sneak stuff in, Id suggest  putting down the divider and placing her stuff pointendly on the other side. If she objects you sould say something like "Sorry, not this time. I'm on a strict budget."

The PA side of me would want to say "Actually, I'm really short today, do you think you could cover me for a change? No? Darn. I guess we'll pay our own." I'm pretty sure that's not polite though.

*edited for spelling and typo.

[rose red]

DollyPond, she sounds exhausting.  I like your plan of stepping away from this friendship. 

This, very much. If you do find you find yourself in a checkout line with her again, and she tries to sneak stuff in, Id suggest  putting down the divider and placing her stuff pointendly on the other side. If she objects you sould say something like "Sorry, not this time. I'm on a strict budget."

I'm a big fan of making excuses because I'm a wimp  .  However, with people like Kay, they need to hear a flat no.  In a pleasant tone, but still....  Gotta train them to stop sneak-attacks and mooching off you.

[Mikayla]

I see her more as a food terrorist than anything else.  By that, I mean she uses food to control the actions of others:

"Eat my shrimp" (aka I get to tell you to buy my chips or even my book)
"We don't need to stop with all this snack food" (aka I bought some snacks, so now I decide when and where we stop)

I would have bailed a long time ago.  It's too exhausting.  But for the current issue, I POD Toots. 

Also, on the taking of others' leftovers, I too have some kind of issue with throwing away food, and I've done this when the person doesn't want them.  But it stops there.  I don't expect them to cover my reading material. 

[LeveeWoman]

A virtuous moocher and a mooching martyr.

My eye is twitching with aggravation and I don't even know the woman.

[Piratelvr1121]

"We don't need to stop with all this snack food" (aka I bought some snacks, so now I decide when and where we stop)

I also saw the potential of her using this to later say to someone complaining about being expected to cover her meal, "Well it's your fault, I pointed out we could just eat the snacks I brought, but nooooo, we had to stop to eat!"

She does sound exhausting.

[Audrey Quest]

Also on this trip she ordered an appetizer of 5 shrimp as her meal for dinner.  (I'm OK with this if someone is not feeling particularly famished)  But then she insisted on offering these 5 shrimp up for sharing with the rest of the table and was kind of put off when people declined. (She is quite "virtuous and martyr-like" you know)

And let me guess:  because she offered it to everyone she expected everyone else to pay for it...

One possible response would be for everyone to just dig in and take it ALL.

Sometimes at restaurants after everyone is done she will collect everyone's  leftovers in to-go boxes and take them home because everyone else is "wasting their food".  As I said, she has several food-related issues.

That wouldn't go over with me.  I can't eat a whole meal at a restaurant and I deliberately leave enough to make another meal for me to take home.
 
I would make sure that my name was on the bag.


The reason that what she's doing is so annoying is because people in general are quite generous.  Who among us would not pay for a friend's lunch just as a favor, or chips, or a drink.  Who among us has not uttered the words "My treat!"
 
Not appreciating that generosity and saying "thank-you" or reciprocating is one thing.  But, taking advantage of it, taking control of it (!) turns it into something ugly.
 
It's not petty at all to not want to be taken advantage of.  It's not about the $.79, its not about the money at all!  It's about respect--respect for the relationship and for the easy give and take of friends who appreciate each other, look out for each other.  Respecting boundaries.
 
She doesn't respect the people around her.

[Kari]

How to handle the OP's scenarios in the future

Kay: ::throws chips among OP's checkout items::
OP: ::Push chips back a few inches::
Checkout clerk: And the chips, too?
OP: No. ::Pays and walks away::


Kay: Oh I forgot my money! Buy me this book?
Karen: No. ::Pays and walks away::


Let her whine about it. But if people stop letting her get away with it, she'll stop doing it.

[CharlieBraun]

A virtuous moocher and a mooching martyr.

My eye is twitching with aggravation and I don't even know the woman.

This had me in stitches.

OP....some great advice here.  Kay is just too expensive of a habit for you.  Tell her that....and decline to underwrite her luxuries.

[BeagleMommy]

People like Kay make my teeth hurt.

If she tried to add things to my order I'd put the divder between my items and hers.  If she complained, I'd simply say "I'm only paying for my things."  and leave it at that.  She then has the option to either pay for her own things or put the items back.  Either way it puts her on the spot.

[ShadowLady]

If she puts stuff among your things before the cashier starts ringing you up, insist that she go in front of you because she has just the one item.

If she loads it among your things on the self-scan, *every time* call the store employee over to cancel that (or those) items out.  You may be in a hurry, but  she is counting on the annoyance factor to stop you from doing so.

[Kaypeep]

If you have a valid reason for staying friends with her and can limit your friendship to outings that don't result in her mooching, then great.  Do that.  But in the future I'd just pass on traveling with her and if she presses for a reason, just say you have different traveling styles that are incompatible, such as dining preferences, so you will pass on future trips with her.

As for shopping, there's plenty of great suggestions here on how to not get stuck paying for her things.  I think a simple "Sorry, I'm afraid it's not possible" is sufficient.  I also think you should ask for the money for the chips.  It's a small amount, but I wouldn't let her think she got away with it.

It does sound like her food issues are beyond etiquette though, so avoidance may be the best solution.    Either that, or show your spine and stop letting her take advantage.  It's not rude to say NO.  If she gets upset because she can't pull one over on you, then so be it.  Let her be mad and go away.  It doesn't sound like you'd be at a loss if that were to occur.

[zyrs]

I would stop doing anything with her that involved food or traveling.  This might limit the time you spend with her, but it keeps the stress induced by her mooching at a minimum.