Ask Amy: Family and Guest Expectations

[Vall]

The answer that the son gave could have easily been the truth.  Traditions vary.  In my family, if you do not live in that house you are always considered a guest.  We would never ask/expect a guest to clean for us (exceptions are maybe some holidays and definitely when the host/hostess is physically unable to do it themselves).  In fact, it would be a bit insulting if someone were to try to insist on cleaning.  When I invite people over (family, friends, neighbors, etc), I want to be a hostess.  I don't want them to cook or clean for me when I am the hostess.

There have been times when I've felt pressured to offer to help non-family members but I've always felt very awkward.  It just feels wrong to me because of the way that my family culture is.  I do it purely out of obligation and can't wait until I'm finished with the chore that I'm expected to do.  Sometimes I've been so uncomfortable afterward that I've said my polite goodbyes and went home.

This may seem extreme but I feel the same way about this as if they had expected me to clean their bathroom because they had invited so many guests over and it needed to be cleaned.  I understand that family cultures vary and that dishes and bathrooms are very different things but in my mind, the principle is the same.  Just because the DIL previously did dishes doesn't mean that she was ever okay with the concept.  I know I've never been remotely comfortable with the concept even though I have been expected to do it.

I know that my family isn't the only people who are like this.  My best friend is the same way.  She would be highly insulted if I tried to help her cook or clean when she invites me over.  She'd never offer to do dishes in my home and she would probably silently resent it if I expected her to.

[audhs]

I'm never sure about this kind of thing.  Iwas raised in a house were the first time you visited you were considered a guest second time you visited you were family and the fridge was over there if you wanted something.  So it was kind of expected you helped clean up or set up. (my father until he retired was some how exempt from this but not my brother)

So when the men (ie son in laws) started following my father into the living room and sitting instead of helping my mother after being annoyed for a few months finally walked into the living room and asked if everyone enjoyed dinner.  They all said yes thank you, and she said great this time we'll clean up next time its the mens turn.   None of us are the stew and not say anything type so if it bugs you tell them.

But 0n the other hand I don't like helping in other peoples homes because I feel like I'm more in the way than an actual help.  I also don't like people helping me in the kitchen.  I'd much rather do it my self quickly or stack things and wait till they've left. (which bugs my husband)

I guess I'm saying she talked to her son he gave her a reason, he's still helping and she should just deal with it and get on with life.

[fountainof]

I'll admit that I will clear plates and stack them or put them in a dishwasher but I don't offer to wash the dishes in the sink at anyone's house.  To me that is just odd, like offering to vacuum or do a load of laundry.  I would never expect any guest in my home to help me clean except maybe pick up toys they pulled out but to wash my dishes would be odd.  I also dislike that these things are always expected of women and not of men.  Men seem to get to hang out while women work, I am not an overly domestic person generally and would rather fix your fence than wash your dishes.

I don't like when people during a party spend all their time cleaning.  If you need to constantly clean everything every second I feel it is better not to have a party then as you are to socialize and entertain not make sure your house look perfect before guests have left.  Cleaning is what you do before guests show up and after guests leave.

[Lynn2000]

One thing that seems odd to me about this situation is that I don't think I would expect/want someone to help me wash dishes, whether they were a guest or a visiting family member (who didn't live in the house). Kind of like what fountainof said--it would be like going to someone else's house and doing a load of laundry or vacuuming. If you're going over there specifically to help someone out with these chores, obviously no problem; or if the family member/guest is staying at the house for several days, I think it would be fine to have them pitch in with chores.

But some things just seem too involved for someone who is just "passing through," like standing at a sink washing dishes, which could take a rather long time as generally only one person can wash at a time, even if a second person is drying and putting away. Taking plates and dishes back into the kitchen after the meal, or setting the table before the meal, is much less involved and seems fine to me to ask of a family member or frequent guest.

[yertle turtle]

This letter rubs me the wrong way so hard I have friction burns.
Not helping with the dishes once a week makes DIL 'a princess'?
MIL is being forced to submit to DIL's rules? 
DIL must help her MIL in this specific way because MIL had to help her DH's mother?  Or because DIL used to before she got married?
I actually feel sad that this MIL is finding fault with her DIL over something incredibly minor when she could be looking on the bright side - accepting her son's help and making the most of his company.

[AppleBlossom]

Classic Miss Manners response to a similar question:

http://www.chron.com/life/article/Miss-Manners-Dinner-guests-take-a-leave-of-1848856.php

[TheVapors]

Classic Miss Manners response to a similar question:

http://www.chron.com/life/article/Miss-Manners-Dinner-guests-take-a-leave-of-1848856.php

That is a wonderful Miss Manners response to the letter she received.

[jayhawk]

Love me some MM.

[Thipu1]

We've had that sort of problem with SIL and, over the years, I've learned. 

I'll work on basic meal prep.  I'm happy to peel potatoes or sit in the backyard with niece-in-law shucking peas or corn.  I'll even French the string beans.  Anything more complex I am sure to do wrong in SIL's view.  it doesn't seem to matter that Mr. Thipu hasn't died of starvation under my watch.  According to SIL, I can't cook. 

On one occasion, I was exiled from the kitchen to the Dining Room where SIL's three adult children were playing a complicated card game. They were sympathetic.  'That's why we're out here.  We can't do anything right either, so we let Mom do what she wants'.

It's often a case of danged if you do and danged if you don't.  You can't win and it's fruitless to try.