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• November 27, 2015, 07:48:09 AM

### Author Topic: No, I'm not going to have children  (Read 22732 times)

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#### Kaypeep

• Member
• Posts: 2421
##### Re: No, I'm not going to have children
« Reply #15 on: May 11, 2012, 12:59:33 PM »
I had a thought when I was "preparing" for my response the next time this comes up.

Do you think it would be worthwhile to tell her in advance via email that the topic isn't open for discussion or does that just open to the door to much whining and asking of "BUT WHYYYYYY?"  Should I prepare her ahead of time or tell her the next time it comes up and get ready to walk out if she doesn't get the point?

I think it might be worth a try.  Something like
Dear Mom,

We're looking forward to seeing you on Sunday and (fill in activity planned.)  But I'm writing today because I want to reiterate something important to me, and I thought it best to write instead of discussing it on Sunday.

As I've told you many times, I do not plan on having children.   I wanted to let you know that I'm not going to change my mind, and that I would like for you to drop this subject from our visits and talks.  I'm sorry that it's not what you wish for me, but it's my life and my choice and I need you to respect it.  So when we see you on Sunday I'd like it very much if we could just enjoy our time together, visit and dine, and leave this subject off the table. It makes me very sad an uncomfortable to receive pressure to go against my decision, and I don't want to spoil our time together by discussing something that is not going to change.

Thank you for understanding my feelings.
Love,
MiniLauren

#### MiniLauren

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• Posts: 8
##### Re: No, I'm not going to have children
« Reply #16 on: May 11, 2012, 01:32:07 PM »
My Goodness...Kaypeep, you're fantastic.  I think that's perfect.  And worded so much better than I could have done!  Thanks so much for the advice (which can then be followed by a shutdown if she still insists...)

Re: the puppy...that's been discussed!  I have two small dogs and they regularly take trips to visit Grandma (on her request, not because I'm an irreponsible pet parent!) on her school vacations and when she gets lonely.  I've suggested getting her own dog and my step-dad practically starts twitching...and they both comment that they're much to busy to have their own dog.

#### Kaypeep

• Member
• Posts: 2421
##### Re: No, I'm not going to have children
« Reply #17 on: May 11, 2012, 01:58:59 PM »
Glad I could be of service.

I have to say though, based on your other posts I don't think she will change.  You might get this weekend with her being sulky but not bringing it up, but I suspect the hints and PA comments will start up again in time.  People like this (I call it baby-rabies, where they are seemingly infected with baby mania) can't help themselves.  You may want to prepare yourself for less and less mom time in the future.  Her loss, but that's just the way it is.  Or, if you are able, turn it into a game with your partner.  Keep track of every time she mentions grandchildren and then multiply it by $5 and treat yourselves to a night out. Soon you'll be hoping she mentions it just so you can make a fun game of it and spend more money on treating yourselves to a good time as a reward for putting up with her nonsense. #### MiniLauren • Member • Posts: 8 ##### Re: No, I'm not going to have children « Reply #18 on: May 11, 2012, 02:04:38 PM » I think you're completely right, but I feel like I need to at least give her an opportunity to behave herself. This isn't the only issue we have. In addition, for the past few years, she's taken to asking me for money to pay off her loans every time she sees me. She thinks that since I live with my boyfriend, I have no expenses... I feel that if I give her notice then when she complains that she doesn't see me, I can point to her behaviour rather than just leaving her thinking that I have no interest in her...so we'll see how this works! #### BeagleMommy • Member • Posts: 3549 ##### Re: No, I'm not going to have children « Reply #19 on: May 11, 2012, 02:07:20 PM » You won't be able to change your mother. You can only change the way you react to her. The idea of getting up/hanging up every time she mentions grandkids is fabulous. You might also want to try this: Mom: I want grandkids You: (sigh) So you've said Mom: It's not fair that I don't have grandkids by you. You: (sign) So you've said Repeat ad nauseum. #### MiniLauren • Member • Posts: 8 ##### Re: No, I'm not going to have children « Reply #20 on: May 16, 2012, 11:16:30 AM » I just wanted to give an update! A sent a modified version of the email listed above prior to our dinner on Sunday night. Pretty much the same, just a few minor wordings so it sounded more like it came from me. Shortly before our dinner, she replied and said "Thanks for the email, I'm looking forward to visiting and having dinner together." We managed to get through the entire 2+ hour meal without any discussion of grandkids or her asking for money! I'm SO pleased and now feel that I can conquer the world. Again, thanks to all of you for your help. I am sure that the topic will come up again but either way, I know how to proceed from now on! #### Kaypeep • Member • Posts: 2421 ##### Re: No, I'm not going to have children « Reply #21 on: May 16, 2012, 12:19:36 PM » Fantastic! Thanks for the great update. Good luck to you in the future, too! #### Lynn2000 • Member • Posts: 7801 ##### Re: No, I'm not going to have children « Reply #22 on: May 16, 2012, 03:14:32 PM » Wow, that's amazing! Great to hear and good luck for the future. ~Lynn2000 #### jedikaiti • Swiss Army Nerd • Member • Posts: 3356 • A pie in the hand is worth two in the mail. ##### Re: No, I'm not going to have children « Reply #23 on: May 16, 2012, 03:30:41 PM » Glad I could be of service. I have to say though, based on your other posts I don't think she will change. You might get this weekend with her being sulky but not bringing it up, but I suspect the hints and PA comments will start up again in time. People like this (I call it baby-rabies, where they are seemingly infected with baby mania) can't help themselves. You may want to prepare yourself for less and less mom time in the future. Her loss, but that's just the way it is. Or, if you are able, turn it into a game with your partner. Keep track of every time she mentions grandchildren and then multiply it by$5 and treat yourselves to a night out.  Soon you'll be hoping she mentions it just so you can make a fun game of it and spend more money on treating yourselves to a good time as a reward for putting up with her nonsense.

That just gave me an idea...

You know how some people have "swear jars" - if you swear, you have to put a quarter (or whatever) in the jar? You need a "Baby Jar" - every time she mentions babies, she has to put a quarter in the jar! Bonus points if you buy one that actually says "swear jar" and cross out the "swear" and write "baby" (I like this one, personally: http://tinyurl.com/7t6cc3h). Just make sure she knows that the money will be spent on anything BUT an actual baby.
What part of v_e = \sqrt{\frac{2GM}{r}} don't you understand? It's only rocket science!

"The problem with re-examining your brilliant ideas is that more often than not, you discover they are the intellectual equivalent of saying, 'Hold my beer and watch this!'" - Cindy Couture

#### gingerzing

• Member
• Posts: 1296
##### Re: No, I'm not going to have children
« Reply #24 on: May 16, 2012, 03:35:26 PM »
Good update.
I am also an only, but stories like these make me grateful for my mom and dad being cool about my childfree status.  (Which I announced when I was 13)
My MIL on the other hand...  DH is the eldest of 4 and the only boy.  So "of course" we couldn't wait to have kids for her.  DH was on board with not having kids - we married when he was about 40.    I always wanted to tell her that "Oddly, my decision to not have kids had nothing to do with you."

The only time that I got major pressure was from DH's BIL who asked me about 10 minutes after meeting me when I was going to get around to having babies.
I replied that DH had to have the first one, then I would consider having the rest.

Can I also mention that your boyfriend must be a heck of a guy to not be weirded out completely by your mom's comments, especially so early in your relationship.

#### MiniLauren

• Member
• Posts: 8
##### Re: No, I'm not going to have children
« Reply #25 on: May 17, 2012, 09:19:21 AM »
Well, we've been together for about 2.5 years now and fortunately, initially she directed the comments to me when he wasn't around...but I told him anyway because I knew that eventually she'd bring it up when we were both around (I was right).

He's pretty cool with it, having some ... interesting family dynamics of his own.  We're both pretty much on board with the "don't engage the crazy" and whatnot.  He also likes to say that my parents are no reflection upon me and he's dating me, not them!

#### gingerzing

• Member
• Posts: 1296
##### Re: No, I'm not going to have children
« Reply #26 on: May 17, 2012, 10:22:01 AM »
He's pretty cool with it, having some ... interesting family dynamics of his own.  We're both pretty much on board with the "don't engage the crazy" and whatnot.  He also likes to say that my parents are no reflection upon me and he's dating me, not them!

Keeper, that one is.

#### Syrse

• Member
• Posts: 172
##### Re: No, I'm not going to have children
« Reply #27 on: May 17, 2012, 12:15:56 PM »
I would probably be too mean about it and deserve a spot in e-Hell myself with this;

'Oh mom don't be silly, I got myself fixed last month. Didn't I tell you?'

But in all seriousness, if you don't want kids, I whole heartily congratulate you for that decision. It is a very mature thing to do.
I see too many people with kids they didn't really want, but only got because it was 'expected.'
Heck, even my mother only had me because she remarried, and my dad really wanted to have kids too. And boy if I did not hear it every other day during my teens that she wished she never had me. To make matters worse, I was a girl, so she of course 'had' to have a fourth one, my brother, just to get it right  So that's two kids she never took care off because hey, she never wanted them in the first place.

And yes, your boy does sound like a keeper

#### Minmom3

• Member
• Posts: 2675
• Not super patient these days.
##### Re: No, I'm not going to have children
« Reply #28 on: May 17, 2012, 08:23:35 PM »
Really makes you FEEL the love, doesn't it?!  Mine would sometimes tell me that she'd have had a MUCH easier life without me to provide for.  She said it one too many when I was 12 or 13, and I responded (as MANY of my cohorts had said to their parents about that age) "I didn't ask to be born!".  I think I got yelled at AND slapped for that one.

As mad as I'd get at my kids when they were trying my patience or just being awful, I never said anything like that to them.  Told them they were making me angry, sure, but NEVER that my life would be easier/better/more preferable without them.  Because it wouldn't be, I wanted them very, very much!

Words hurt.  Choose them with care!
Newly widowed, fairly cranky, prone to crying at the drop of a hat.  Newly a MIL; not yet a Grandma.  Keeper of chickens and dispenser of eggs!   Owner of Lard Butt Noelle, kitteh extraordinaire!

#### dks64

• Member
• Posts: 156
##### Re: No, I'm not going to have children
« Reply #29 on: May 18, 2012, 01:34:51 PM »
I know this is ETIQUETTE Hell, but I would say....

Mom: I want Grandkids
Me: I'll have them, but I'm just waiting for you to die so I can afford them with the inheritance you're going to leave me.

Or:

Mom: I want Grandkids
Me: Oh, so you're offering to raise them completely on your own and support them financially?
Mom: No.
Me: Well then you shouldn't be trying to make decisions about my life that will affect me so greatly. If you don't want to do it, what makes you think I would?