Author Topic: No, I'm not going to have children  (Read 20749 times)

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Syrse

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Re: No, I'm not going to have children
« Reply #30 on: May 19, 2012, 08:14:47 AM »
Really makes you FEEL the love, doesn't it?!  Mine would sometimes tell me that she'd have had a MUCH easier life without me to provide for.  She said it one too many when I was 12 or 13, and I responded (as MANY of my cohorts had said to their parents about that age) "I didn't ask to be born!".  I think I got yelled at AND slapped for that one.

As mad as I'd get at my kids when they were trying my patience or just being awful, I never said anything like that to them.  Told them they were making me angry, sure, but NEVER that my life would be easier/better/more preferable without them.  Because it wouldn't be, I wanted them very, very much!

Words hurt.  Choose them with care!

You actually got slapped for her rudeness? Ouch  :(

After a whole month of the 'I wish I never had you guys' rant from my mom, I suddenly piped up 'we love you too mom'. Shut her right up  :P After that, she gave us the silent treatment, and somehow thought that would be a punishment  ::)

Here's hoping I never repeat her mistakes...

NyaChan

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Re: No, I'm not going to have children
« Reply #31 on: May 19, 2012, 12:27:55 PM »
Really makes you FEEL the love, doesn't it?!  Mine would sometimes tell me that she'd have had a MUCH easier life without me to provide for.  She said it one too many when I was 12 or 13, and I responded (as MANY of my cohorts had said to their parents about that age) "I didn't ask to be born!".  I think I got yelled at AND slapped for that one.

As mad as I'd get at my kids when they were trying my patience or just being awful, I never said anything like that to them.  Told them they were making me angry, sure, but NEVER that my life would be easier/better/more preferable without them.  Because it wouldn't be, I wanted them very, very much!

Words hurt.  Choose them with care!

You actually got slapped for her rudeness? Ouch  :(

After a whole month of the 'I wish I never had you guys' rant from my mom, I suddenly piped up 'we love you too mom'. Shut her right up  :P After that, she gave us the silent treatment, and somehow thought that would be a punishment  ::)

Here's hoping I never repeat her mistakes...

My parents have always been of the opinion that a parent can't be rude to their children. As in nothing they could say or do to the child could be rude simply by virtue of their having birthed and raised the child.

Minmom3

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Re: No, I'm not going to have children
« Reply #32 on: May 19, 2012, 10:22:48 PM »
My parents have always been of the opinion that a parent can't be rude to their children. As in nothing they could say or do to the child could be rude simply by virtue of their having birthed and raised the child.

Something about the quote tree went terribly wrong here, but I'm not sure how, and I'm just going to live with it!

That, in and of itself, without any of our additional examples to the contrary, pretty much proves how extremely wrong they are, doesn't it!?  I think it's a vestige of the old patriarchal type of parenting, where they're right solely by virtue of age and generation.  Mom tried very hard to pull that off, but failed miserably.  Either I was a Bad Girl by virtue of my mouthiness (her opinion, repeatedly), or I was a Good Girl Surviving Pluckily in spite of her parenting (neighbors opinions), but either way, I knew she was nuts a great portion of the time.  It's truly sad that one of my main motivating goals in parenting was to do things Not Her Way, and to have a better relationship with my children when they were 18, than she had with me when I was....

Please forgive any egregious typos, it's been a week, and I had a gigantic G&T when I got home, and it's come home to roost! 
Mother to children and fuzz butts....

Calypso

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Re: No, I'm not going to have children
« Reply #33 on: May 24, 2012, 04:16:20 PM »
MiniLauren, I'm late to this thread, but, first, it sounds like you have a Mom you really can talk to---when you addressed the issue calmly, she responded well!

Second, if you want to be compassionate to what's in her heart, you might suggest that, as she is so longing to have a little human to love (a desire I understand, although I don't share it) that there are a LOT of places dying for volunteers to help with babies, children, etc. OK, I don't have names off the top of my head, but I bet your local hospital or religious organization or....I don't know, isn't there a Grandma version of the Big Sister program?

Sometimes Moms push for Grandkids for selfish reasons, but it doesn't sound as if your Mom is one of those. I get the sense she is a great "resource" for somebody's little ones out there.

MrTango

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Re: No, I'm not going to have children
« Reply #34 on: May 26, 2012, 02:27:38 PM »
She told me "I don't care if you don't want to hear it.  I want grandkids, I am going to keep hoping for grandkids and I'm going to keep telling you that you need to provide me with grandkids."

Next time she brings up grandkids, tell her "I've told you that I will not be having children.  I will not discuss this with you again."

If she persists, or if she brings up the topic ever in the future, say "I told you that I will not discuss this with you.  Goodbye."  If it's a phone conversation, hang up.  If it's in person, leave.

Saying it in terms of "I will not" doesn't give her the option to say "don't tell me what to do" because you're telling her what you will and will not do, not what she can and cannot do.

quiescent

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Re: No, I'm not going to have children
« Reply #35 on: May 26, 2012, 02:56:36 PM »
My parents have always been of the opinion that a parent can't be rude to their children. As in nothing they could say or do to the child could be rude simply by virtue of their having birthed and raised the child.

Mine too.

I get the grandkids things too. Everytime I visit my father & his wife they both talk about when
I'm planning to get married and when I'll give them
grandkids.

Everytime I tell them I dont want kids and don't even like kids they insist I'll change my mind bicause 'everyone' wants kids. No. Not me!

Lynn2000

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Re: No, I'm not going to have children
« Reply #36 on: May 26, 2012, 08:11:45 PM »
My parents have always been of the opinion that a parent can't be rude to their children. As in nothing they could say or do to the child could be rude simply by virtue of their having birthed and raised the child.

Mine too.

I get the grandkids things too. Everytime I visit my father & his wife they both talk about when
I'm planning to get married and when I'll give them
grandkids.

Everytime I tell them I dont want kids and don't even like kids they insist I'll change my mind bicause 'everyone' wants kids. No. Not me!

Obviously people who are this obsessive and controlling about someone else's life choices have something going on in their brains that I don't understand. But to take just one thing--don't they consider that constantly telling someone stuff like this might very well have the exact opposite effect? Like if someone was on the fence about having kids, or had been against it but now as they got older was starting to consider it more--hearing it constantly harped on by other people would, in my case, only push me further away from having kids.
~Lynn2000

quiescent

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Re: No, I'm not going to have children
« Reply #37 on: May 27, 2012, 12:23:30 AM »
I know what you mean. Because if I had a kid i wouldn't have to listen to 'you will change your mind' anymore, but instead 'i told you you would change your mind' which is even more annoying!

rmk1

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Re: No, I'm not going to have children
« Reply #38 on: July 13, 2012, 05:09:14 AM »

Second, if you want to be compassionate to what's in her heart, you might suggest that, as she is so longing to have a little human to love (a desire I understand, although I don't share it) that there are a LOT of places dying for volunteers to help with babies, children, etc. OK, I don't have names off the top of my head, but I bet your local hospital or religious organization or....I don't know, isn't there a Grandma version of the Big Sister program?

Sometimes Moms push for Grandkids for selfish reasons, but it doesn't sound as if your Mom is one of those. I get the sense she is a great "resource" for somebody's little ones out there.

Along these lines- assuming you are in the USA- it is free of cost to adopt older foster children, and many even come with a monthly stipend. If she really wants to add to the family (admittedly, I don't completely get what it is that she is after-- contact with cooing babies, or adding to family, someone new to love, someone to spoil, or what the aspects are that make her excited about grandchildren), adoption may be an idea. We are in the process to do so right now. Maybe she and your step dad could adopt a teenager or other older child together. There are so many kids needing homes. Private message me if you want to find out more, I know some info-- also you can begin researching at adoptuskids.org if you want to. Again, it's just an idea, I don't know if it would really fit her circumstance or satisfy her strong interests in kids...

Auntie Mame

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Re: No, I'm not going to have children
« Reply #39 on: July 13, 2012, 04:58:45 PM »
I once got so fed up with my Mom about her grandkid delusion I actually said "Mom, when I speak and words come out of my mouth do actually listen to them or just hear circus music?".  Not my finest moment, but I raised by smart alecks and it tends to fly out of my mouth when pushed to far. 

At least now I can play the "age card" (37 this year) and tell her my doctor told me I can't have kids.  Which, FYI, is not a lie, I had a tubal, and the doctor told me I can't have kids...now.   >:D
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aloe

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Re: No, I'm not going to have children
« Reply #40 on: August 28, 2012, 09:44:15 PM »
One advantage of getting old and grey is that nobody asks me anymore when or if I am going to have children.  ;D

Ceallach

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Re: No, I'm not going to have children
« Reply #41 on: August 28, 2012, 10:05:45 PM »
It does make me a little sad when people need to live vicariously through their kids.  Obviously I do understand the desire for grandchildren, but those needs can be fulfilled elsewhere (babysitting?  become a surrogate grandma to your neighbour's kids?) and being a grandparent certainly isn't a "right".

But I just wonder what else somebody has going for them in life if they're so obsessed with what somebody else is doing with their own life!   My family is very close, but never once has either of my parents pressured any of us for grandkids (I actually think my Dad secretly wishes we'd slow down now - 3 grandkids to be born within 18 months! And he is sooo busy with his hobbies etc and now is trying to find time to be Super-Granddad!) 

I think you've got some good advice here, make it a veto topic.   A no go zone.  She has to get that her nagging will not achieve anything and the topic isn't open for discussion.  And that you will refuse to engage in dialogue on this topic.
"Nobody can do everything, but everybody can do something"