Author Topic: Ummm....your welcome?  (Read 17282 times)

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Twik

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Re: Ummm....your welcome?
« Reply #15 on: May 18, 2012, 10:41:25 AM »
The money was in no way a hostess gift. I suspect if they hadn't visited at all, but heard their son talk about the things he wanted to buy, they would have sent it anyway.

The breakfast was the hostess gift.

Family dynamics differ. To them, you are not exactly the same as a daughter. You're not going to get random "just because we're thinking of you!" gifts like your husband does. Do your parents send gifts randomly to your husband? Perhaps they do, but that merely indicates that your family has a slightly different vision of the relationship between inlaws.
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ShadesOfGrey

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Re: Ummm....your welcome?
« Reply #16 on: May 18, 2012, 10:48:36 AM »
The breakfast and their thanks was the hostess thank you.

The gift to your husband was because they had recently heard him talking about it.

They are definitely separate events, just happen to be timed together. I think if you stop seeing them as related, you'll be able to get over this a lot quicker.  Though I would suggest, as others have, not putting in as much effort in the future if it's going to bother you this much. 
Words mean more than what is set down on paper. It takes the human voice to infuse them with shades of deeper meaning. - Maya Angelou

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. - Maya Angelou

sparksals

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Re: Ummm....your welcome?
« Reply #17 on: May 18, 2012, 11:04:50 AM »
At the risk of sounding selfish.....I am a bit annoyed that I did all of the cooking, cleaning, prep work, etc....and they send ONLY HIM a "hostess" gift.

Or was the breakfast my thank you?

Them saying "thank you" is your thank you.

Couples are a social unit, they are as one. I do things for DH's family and they thank us by thanking him. My DH shows me appreciation for this. Your problem is with your DH not appreciating what you do for his family.

Something about this just doesn't sit right with me.  It sounds like the 'thank you' the OP gets is far less appreciative than what her dh receives, yet she does all the work. 

I'm not sure we have ever discussed tiered thank you's before, because this is whatt sounds like is happening.  I don't blame the OP one bit for feeling as she does.   Her husband needs to step up and realize how much work she puts in, how unappreciated she feels, but also, the level of TY from the inlaws is uneven.  It appears they shower their son with far more appreciation than the OP when she does all the work.  I would feel resentful too.

Since couples are a social unit, wouldn't the level of TY be the same then?  I think the ILs owe the OP her own TY since she does the majority of the work.  Surely the see that she does.

sparksals

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Re: Ummm....your welcome?
« Reply #18 on: May 18, 2012, 11:06:31 AM »
Couples are a social unit, they are as one. I do things for DH's family and they thank us by thanking him. My DH shows me appreciation for this. Your problem is with your DH not appreciating what you do for his family.

POD!

Your inlaws are being hosted by their son, that he has arranged his job hosting by doing nothing and leaving it to you doesn't really affect them.

Stop putting so much effort in, I bet your DH won't care and at least you won't feel like you've been run ragged.

BUt I thought they are a social unit.  Why are they being hosted by their son only?  If they are a social unit, then they should be thanked as a social unit, not unequal showering of gifts and peanuts for the one doing the work. 

I don't think the OP should get gifts, but I think the ILs are horribly rude and unappreciative for not seeing how much effort she puts in.

NyaChan

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Re: Ummm....your welcome?
« Reply #19 on: May 18, 2012, 11:11:25 AM »
Couples are a social unit, they are as one. I do things for DH's family and they thank us by thanking him. My DH shows me appreciation for this. Your problem is with your DH not appreciating what you do for his family.

POD!

Your inlaws are being hosted by their son, that he has arranged his job hosting by doing nothing and leaving it to you doesn't really affect them.

Stop putting so much effort in, I bet your DH won't care and at least you won't feel like you've been run ragged.

BUt I thought they are a social unit.  Why are they being hosted by their son only?  If they are a social unit, then they should be thanked as a social unit, not unequal showering of gifts and peanuts for the one doing the work. 

I don't think the OP should get gifts, but I think the ILs are horribly rude and unappreciative for not seeing how much effort she puts in.

I think they were thanked as a social unit - the breakfast.  At first I thought the $100 dollars was an afterthought gift for OP, but I realized that both amounts were for DH.  Even so - the problem I see here is that OP puts in a lot of effort to host her in laws and feels that she was not appreciated for it. 

The in laws' reaction is a symptom IMO of the bigger problem - that she hosts all on her own, doing all the work without even the token help of her husband doing the power washing as she asked.  OP does your husband show appreciation for the effort you put in? 

sparksals

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Re: Ummm....your welcome?
« Reply #20 on: May 18, 2012, 11:27:54 AM »
Couples are a social unit, they are as one. I do things for DH's family and they thank us by thanking him. My DH shows me appreciation for this. Your problem is with your DH not appreciating what you do for his family.

POD!

Your inlaws are being hosted by their son, that he has arranged his job hosting by doing nothing and leaving it to you doesn't really affect them.

Stop putting so much effort in, I bet your DH won't care and at least you won't feel like you've been run ragged.

BUt I thought they are a social unit.  Why are they being hosted by their son only?  If they are a social unit, then they should be thanked as a social unit, not unequal showering of gifts and peanuts for the one doing the work. 

I don't think the OP should get gifts, but I think the ILs are horribly rude and unappreciative for not seeing how much effort she puts in.

I think they were thanked as a social unit - the breakfast.  At first I thought the $100 dollars was an afterthought gift for OP, but I realized that both amounts were for DH.  Even so - the problem I see here is that OP puts in a lot of effort to host her in laws and feels that she was not appreciated for it. 

The in laws' reaction is a symptom IMO of the bigger problem - that she hosts all on her own, doing all the work without even the token help of her husband doing the power washing as she asked.  OP does your husband show appreciation for the effort you put in?

Yes, I agree the DH is mostly at fault here.  However, I think the ILs could be FAR more appreciative. 

jpcher

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Re: Ummm....your welcome?
« Reply #21 on: May 18, 2012, 07:30:08 PM »
Big Sigh. The social unit the parents/inlaws/guests . . . I'm with you, OP, 100% as far as not getting a personal "Thank You for hostessing" goes.*

But I agree with the other posters (and with you, yes, bad timing) in as much as if DH talked to them on the phone his parents would have sent the same gift to him. I don't think it was a hostess gift.



*I can write pages about how the hosting went down back when LDH was still alive. (I wasn't a SAHM.) We were party central. LDH was the socializer and I was the worker bee. Don't get me wrong, I used to love throwing back-yard bbqs. I was the hostess with the mostess . . . making sure that all the guests were happy, putting another tray of apps in the oven, cleaning the kitchen as the party went on . . . but after years of this, it dawned on me that I was doing all the work!

The culmination of this story came when we were hosting my parents over night. I made breakfast, after which my parents and LDH went outside to enjoy a cup of coffee while I cleaned the kitchen and got the DDs situated.

I went outside, sank into my chair to relax with a fresh cup of coffee intent on quiet socializing time when LDH said "Oh. Before you sit down, could I please have another cup of coffee?"

I looked him straight in the eye and said "What. Are your legs broken? You can't get your own coffee? And while your at it, I'm sure my parents would like a fresh cup, if you don't mind."

Crickets chirped loudly.

Granted, saying that in front of my oh.so.polite.parents meant that I was at the end of my rope.



Autumn Rose -- please don't let this fester until you get to the end of your rope. Talk to your DH about how you feel . . . not so much about the hostess gift, but the way you think that your work isn't appreciated.

At the very least you should get huge thank-yous from your DH. For any event that you do.


Two Ravens

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Re: Ummm....your welcome?
« Reply #22 on: May 18, 2012, 07:43:24 PM »
Well, while your in-laws visited, did you express any desire for a particular item? Or was it soley your husband expressing the needs?

The way I would view it is, your husband was saving up $$$ for X tool and boots. Them giving him these items (or cash equivelents) has freed up some of your savings. Take it and buy yourself a treat!

turnip

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Re: Ummm....your welcome?
« Reply #23 on: May 18, 2012, 07:44:36 PM »
This got me thinking.   When we go to visit my ILs, there's no question that MIL does the bulk of the cooking and cleaning, and yet I've never thought of her as hosting _more_ than FIL.  They both seem happy with the balance and I'm aware that FIL does many other 'home' tasks ( painting, yard work, general maintenance ) that are not as obvious during our stay, but still contribute to a welcoming home.

I also haven't gotten them a 'hosting' gift in years.  I've been with their son for nearly two decades now - the time for hosting gifts seems  well past.  ( They've stayed with us plenty of times too without gifts ).

So putting myself in your ILs shoes, I would hope that I was equally gracious to both my hosts.   Also, if one _or_ the other of you had mentioned, during our visit, something you particularly wanted that I had it in my powers to give to you, I might do it not as a 'hosting' gift but just a generous act of love.   I would be very taken aback if this sort of interaction was causing unspoken resentment. 

Given that, it does sound to me like you are taking on too much during their visits and it's making you resentful.   I'd find a way to do less, clean less, and push more work onto DH so you can relax and enjoy their visits.   If your DH is still resistant to helping - then your ILs will have to live with a messier house, more take out, and fewer special cocktails!   

« Last Edit: May 18, 2012, 09:33:11 PM by turnip »

MacadamiaNut

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Re: Ummm....your welcome?
« Reply #24 on: May 18, 2012, 08:30:18 PM »

<snip>

They departed, everyone was happy.

4 days later, an envelope arrives addressed to DH.    In it is a gift certificate to Home Depot for $300.00.    There is also a $100 visa gift card...with a note attached...."get your boots, too"!!

At the risk of sounding selfish.....I am a bit annoyed that I did all of the cooking, cleaning, prep work, etc....and they send ONLY HIM a "hostess" gift.

<snip>

Were you happy that they departed? or happy with the course of events up to that point? If it's the latter, then you definitely need to separate the two things (gifts to DH and hosting) and consequently, I would think that would be enough to make you happy again since you were happy right up until the point that DH received the gifts and as you have noted, it was just a timing thing and the gifts had nothing to do with thanking anyone for anything.

On the other hand...

I also agree with previous posters who have said the issue is probably with DH not pulling his weight on the hosting side and I think you may have only realized this when you mistook the gifts as a thank you to him for hosting.  If that's the case, then I think that was a good misunderstanding because it seems to have uncovered the real issue for you.

OP, I understand how you feel but I have to be honest, I think you would be a SS if you brought up hurt about the gifts.  I think you should have the talk with DH about hosting, perhaps in the context of general hosting and maybe don't make it all about just his parents.  He ought to help out the same way for whatever guests you may have and are hosting together (i.e. the same may not be true for say something like a friend of yours visiting whom DH doesn't really know.)

I hope it all works out for the best.  Good luck!
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kareng57

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Re: Ummm....your welcome?
« Reply #25 on: May 18, 2012, 09:14:30 PM »
I remember the thread that Sparksals is referencing - it did indeed get heated, although it referred to Christmas presents rather than hostess gifts.

But I have to agree with PPs - the Home Depot card really wasn't a "hostess gift" - even though it was addressed to the husband, he was free to spend it on something for the whole family.  And as a PP mentioned - the gift card for the boots might have been simply in order to make sure he got it before he went out and bought a pair himself.

Families do differ.  Some make "everything equal" immediately upon marriage - others give nice gifts to DILs and SILs, but not he same monetary value.  Unless the IL gifts are out-and-out insulting, neither way is right or wrong.  And if OP is upset because she was doing most of the hostessing work - that's between her and her husband, not the IL's issue.  I'd be very surprised if the IL's had given the OP a verbal thank-you at some point, and they did take them out for breakfast.

Zilla

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Re: Ummm....your welcome?
« Reply #26 on: May 18, 2012, 09:27:23 PM »
Thank you for your replies!

I guess I feel that if they had sent him these gifts a month later....I would have thought nothing of it.    It is their son, and OFCOURSE they can send him random gifts if they like.

It just seemed like since it was only 4 days after they left....that this was their "thanks for the trip".

In my eyes, if they would have sent nothing....their thanks would have been enough.

Perhaps it was just bad timing?

Because, if they WANTED to give something, it should have been something for the whole family.

Or if they wanted to give their son something....it should have been at a later time.

Right???    Or no???

Your husband talked to them about wanting these things and they went home, purchased the cards and mailed it to him with his request
s fresh in their minds.  Why do they need to wait till later?

I agree with others, he is their child you are their son's wife.  I think they are nice to actually get you something even though it isn't equal to your dh's value.  And i don't think it should. 

And for your hostessing, if you expected to get something for it and didn't.  I would just relax next time and not put yourself out. 

kareng57

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Re: Ummm....your welcome?
« Reply #27 on: May 18, 2012, 10:00:18 PM »
Couples are a social unit, they are as one. I do things for DH's family and they thank us by thanking him. My DH shows me appreciation for this. Your problem is with your DH not appreciating what you do for his family.

POD!

Your inlaws are being hosted by their son, that he has arranged his job hosting by doing nothing and leaving it to you doesn't really affect them.

Stop putting so much effort in, I bet your DH won't care and at least you won't feel like you've been run ragged.

BUt I thought they are a social unit.  Why are they being hosted by their son only?  If they are a social unit, then they should be thanked as a social unit, not unequal showering of gifts and peanuts for the one doing the work. 

I don't think the OP should get gifts, but I think the ILs are horribly rude and unappreciative for not seeing how much effort she puts in.


However - we don't know that they didn't give OP a verbal thank-you.  Maybe they meant for the gift-card to be used for the whole family but just addressed it to their son and really didn't give it a second thought.

Ceallach

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Re: Ummm....your welcome?
« Reply #28 on: May 18, 2012, 10:32:01 PM »
I think if you're hosting guests, then you have to host without expecting something in return.  Yes, a polite guest will thank you and take you out for a meal in return (which they did!).  But you're not owed anything.     The bigger issue here is that *you* are putting all of the effort into preparing for their visit.  If your husband is expecting you to do this, then you need to have a serious talk with him about that because it is unfair to you.   If you are choosing to do it?  Well, then that's on you.  Perhaps you should sit down together and agree upon what is important in preparation for their visit, and who will do what.  And stick to it.   

Honestly, I think the timing of the gift is irrelevant.   They knew something their son wanted, and gave it to him.  I only wish my DH's parents had the money to give him *anything*.   But I don't want anything from them, they're his parents.   My happiness does not rest upon their approval or their thanks.   Yes, you and your DH are a social unit, but that doesn't mean you have to receive joint gifts.   The issue here is very much a relationship issue IMHO, and nothing to do with your in-laws at all. The problem is you resent that your DH enjoyed a visit from his parents, AND they're giving him stuff, but meanwhile he's not pulling his weight around the house.   Focus on his lack of contribution, but don't make it about his parents - they did not do anything wrong, and even if they did, what do you expect him to do about it, reject the gift?
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CakeEater

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Re: Ummm....your welcome?
« Reply #29 on: May 19, 2012, 08:11:31 AM »
This got me thinking.   When we go to visit my ILs, there's no question that MIL does the bulk of the cooking and cleaning, and yet I've never thought of her as hosting _more_ than FIL.  They both seem happy with the balance and I'm aware that FIL does many other 'home' tasks ( painting, yard work, general maintenance ) that are not as obvious during our stay, but still contribute to a welcoming home.

Oh, this, definitely. It's not really any of my PIL's business who does what at our house to contribute to their visit. The fact that TeamCakeEater has presented a welcoming stay is enough knowledge for them.

In fact, I like to cok and prepare for guests. I don't deserve any more praise than DH, who does not like to mow the lawns. He probably deserves more thanks.

If you feel like you're putting in more effort than DH to host his family, that's an issue for between the two of you.

However, while I don't expect the same value of gifts from my parents-in-law as DH receives, a $400 'just because' gift for DH and nothing for me at any time, would tell me where I stood in the family.