Ummm....your welcome?

[Ceallach]

OP here. 

And so lets review this question….

Lets say that the breakfast was their “thank you”….and the (2) gift cards for $400 was their love gift for their son…


**Is it rude to send a $400 monetary gift to just one member of the family??**


I can see if his M was out shopping and saw “just the perfect thingamajig” for her son….and then sending that….

But isn’t it rude to send such a large windfall  (for us anyway)….and then have it be “JUST FOR MY SON…..NOONE ELSE”!!

**Would it not have been more appropriate to send some gift cards to the whole family….and say  “here’s a little something!    Get what your family needs”.

I understand every family is different.   I understand it is their money and can do WHATEVER they want with it.    But I guess I am asking….

“Is it PROPER ETIQUETTE to give ONE member of the family a large sum of money…while completely ignoring the rest”?

Yes.  I see no issue with this whatsoever.     And I agree with PP's who have pointed out that your DH can easily use the giftcard for something that benefits the whole family.   You seem to be saying you'd be ok with it if it was a tangible gift, e.g. clothes etc.   But isn't money even more flexible, and more for everybody?  It's not as if they bought him a prepaid vacation for 1.   

I just can't conceive of being annoyed that somebody gave my DH a generous monetary gift.   I'd be thrilled!  Even if he didn't share it with me and bought something just for *him* that's still something he got to buy for himself that doesn't come from our joint coffers, so I still benefit!   I really think your frustration with your husband and his lack of contribution around the house is clouding your judgment on this one.   You feel under-appreciated.  I can totally relate to that - DH and I have certainly had our moments over the years.  But I'd be genuinely stoked that he got such a great gift.  Try to separate how you feel about the household contribution issue from this completely separate issue.  Otherwise when you try to address the household contribution issue with him it will get clouded by this - do you want him to think you just resent the fact his parents sent him the money?  Or do you want him to understand that you're upset because he doesn't do enough around the house, and to change his behaviour in that regard to become a more supportive spouse?

[Lynn2000]

It could be that the household contribution issue actually encompasses what DH does with the gift money... I don't think the OP has explicitly said what her DH plans to do with this money, or does with the gift money in general. But, if DH just automatically used it for something for himself, without even considering using it for the household's benefit or sharing it with his wife, that could cause even more resentment. So the OP could be doing 100% of the work for hosting guests for the household, AND getting 0% of the gifts given to the household. (Not that the hosting is connected to the gift, it's just two things on a list that could reasonably cause resentment.)

It could very well be that no one means this maliciously at all, they're just oblivious and are truckin' along like they've always done, since no one has (I assume) complained or even commented. DH wouldn't even have to talk to his parents about it if he didn't want to; as long as he understood and respected how the OP felt, he could work to change things from his end, like by doing more of the household chores, making it explicitly clear that he appreciates her efforts, and sharing in the gifts he receives (for example).

[CakeEater]

However, if I'm reading this right, they're spoiling DH while excluding their grandson? I have to say that would bother me on a whole other level. It still doesn't make it 'wrong' or 'rude' but it would be something that I would address with DH because a marriage where one partner just has to think "Oh, I'd like *expensive item*" and it appears while the other partner and children do without is one that is going to have some issues down the track.

I have to agree with this. I think, to some extent, that a gift for one partner in a marriage, can be a gift for both, especially if it's a needed, rather than just a completely frivolous item, because now money has been freed up to buy other things.

So I might be quietly annoyed that PIL gave DH big gifts and left me out, but not enough to be really concerned by. But I'd be quite annoyed that their grandchild never received gifts, especially if gifts are the way they show love!

[Hmmmmm]

I was talking with a co-worker about this thread at work yesterday.  She said she sends her son "just because" monetary gifts.  She says she feels like her son earns the money for his family while his wife is a SAHM.  She said she feels like even when her DiL gives a gift to her son, it is "really his earnings paying for it" and the "only way he ever gets a true gift is from his parents."  She mentioned she thought he "scraficed" a lot for his wife and kids and felt that his wife was a little high maintenance in the clothing and handbag department. 

After I picked my jaw off the floor, I asked if she realized how disprectfull her view of her DiL's contribution to the family is.  Her response was she didn't care.  She gave nice bday and Xmas gifts to her DiL and to the grandkids, but she felt her son deserved a few gifts that he didn't have to work for. 

I've never heard this woman make a negative statement before about her DiL.  She has commented a few times about how well dressed her DiL always is.  I am really suprised by this behavior.  Just thought I'd share that there are other inlaws out there like yours, or I work with your MiL. 

[sparksals]

I was talking with a co-worker about this thread at work yesterday.  She said she sends her son "just because" monetary gifts.  She says she feels like her son earns the money for his family while his wife is a SAHM.  She said she feels like even when her DiL gives a gift to her son, it is "really his earnings paying for it" and the "only way he ever gets a true gift is from his parents."  She mentioned she thought he "scraficed" a lot for his wife and kids and felt that his wife was a little high maintenance in the clothing and handbag department. 

After I picked my jaw off the floor, I asked if she realized how disprectfull her view of her DiL's contribution to the family is.  Her response was she didn't care.  She gave nice bday and Xmas gifts to her DiL and to the grandkids, but she felt her son deserved a few gifts that he didn't have to work for. 

I've never heard this woman make a negative statement before about her DiL.  She has commented a few times about how well dressed her DiL always is.  I am really suprised by this behavior.  Just thought I'd share that there are other inlaws out there like yours, or I work with your MiL.

I am speechless!  Absolutely stunned by this woman's attitude!

[Lynn2000]

I was talking with a co-worker about this thread at work yesterday.  She said she sends her son "just because" monetary gifts.  She says she feels like her son earns the money for his family while his wife is a SAHM.  She said she feels like even when her DiL gives a gift to her son, it is "really his earnings paying for it" and the "only way he ever gets a true gift is from his parents."  She mentioned she thought he "scraficed" a lot for his wife and kids and felt that his wife was a little high maintenance in the clothing and handbag department. 

After I picked my jaw off the floor, I asked if she realized how disprectfull her view of her DiL's contribution to the family is.  Her response was she didn't care.  She gave nice bday and Xmas gifts to her DiL and to the grandkids, but she felt her son deserved a few gifts that he didn't have to work for. 

I've never heard this woman make a negative statement before about her DiL.  She has commented a few times about how well dressed her DiL always is.  I am really suprised by this behavior.  Just thought I'd share that there are other inlaws out there like yours, or I work with your MiL.

Um, hmm, well... I guess I never thought about someone deciding to allocate gifts according to the contribution they felt someone made to another person's household. So, good to know... ?

[Sophia]

I was talking with a co-worker about this thread at work yesterday.  She said she sends her son "just because" monetary gifts.  She says she feels like her son earns the money for his family while his wife is a SAHM.  She said she feels like even when her DiL gives a gift to her son, it is "really his earnings paying for it" and the "only way he ever gets a true gift is from his parents."  She mentioned she thought he "scraficed" a lot for his wife and kids and felt that his wife was a little high maintenance in the clothing and handbag department. 

After I picked my jaw off the floor, I asked if she realized how disprectfull her view of her DiL's contribution to the family is.  Her response was she didn't care.  She gave nice bday and Xmas gifts to her DiL and to the grandkids, but she felt her son deserved a few gifts that he didn't have to work for. 

I've never heard this woman make a negative statement before about her DiL.  She has commented a few times about how well dressed her DiL always is.  I am really suprised by this behavior.  Just thought I'd share that there are other inlaws out there like yours, or I work with your MiL.

I wonder what she would have said if you'd told her that he probably couldn't afford to hire someone to do what his wife did? 

[sparksals]

I was talking with a co-worker about this thread at work yesterday.  She said she sends her son "just because" monetary gifts.  She says she feels like her son earns the money for his family while his wife is a SAHM.  She said she feels like even when her DiL gives a gift to her son, it is "really his earnings paying for it" and the "only way he ever gets a true gift is from his parents."  She mentioned she thought he "scraficed" a lot for his wife and kids and felt that his wife was a little high maintenance in the clothing and handbag department. 

After I picked my jaw off the floor, I asked if she realized how disprectfull her view of her DiL's contribution to the family is.  Her response was she didn't care.  She gave nice bday and Xmas gifts to her DiL and to the grandkids, but she felt her son deserved a few gifts that he didn't have to work for. 

I've never heard this woman make a negative statement before about her DiL.  She has commented a few times about how well dressed her DiL always is.  I am really suprised by this behavior.  Just thought I'd share that there are other inlaws out there like yours, or I work with your MiL.

Um, hmm, well... I guess I never thought about someone deciding to allocate gifts according to the contribution they felt someone made to another person's household. So, good to know... ?

I wonder how many other MILs think this way?  Surprising since they most likely stayed home while their husband was the bread winner.  Such a horribly gender biased attitude that is very hurtful if general DIL found out such mean thoughts about her.

[Lynn2000]

Uh-oh, I think I'm getting my threads crossed, and referenced Hmmmmm's story in the OP's other thread on a similar subject... Hopefully people are reading both ! 

But I'll repeat myself here anyway. The MIL in Hmmmmm's story--you know, it's her money, she can think whatever she likes, she can give whatever she likes, and Hmmmmm did ask her opinion on the subject. And also, she said she gives nice gifts to her DIL at gift-giving times, it's just that she gives extra gifts at other times to her son. If I was the DIL, I might not even notice/think about those extra gifts much, or perhaps I'd even think they were understandable and nice.

It's really only hearing the MIL's reasoning for them that turns it ugly for me. So many assumptions and judgments, about things that aren't her business! And if there were problems serious enough to become her business, a few extra gifts aren't going to solve them.

But, as long as MIL acts polite towards her DIL, she's not doing anything wrong, I guess. But with such a philosophy, which she seems to have thought about a lot, one wonders if her thoughts do come through in other ways.

[sparksals]

Uh-oh, I think I'm getting my threads crossed, and referenced Hmmmmm's story in the OP's other thread on a similar subject... Hopefully people are reading both ! 

But I'll repeat myself here anyway. The MIL in Hmmmmm's story--you know, it's her money, she can think whatever she likes, she can give whatever she likes, and Hmmmmm did ask her opinion on the subject. And also, she said she gives nice gifts to her DIL at gift-giving times, it's just that she gives extra gifts at other times to her son. If I was the DIL, I might not even notice/think about those extra gifts much, or perhaps I'd even think they were understandable and nice.

It's really only hearing the MIL's reasoning for them that turns it ugly for me. So many assumptions and judgments, about things that aren't her business! And if there were problems serious enough to become her business, a few extra gifts aren't going to solve them.

But, as long as MIL acts polite towards her DIL, she's not doing anything wrong, I guess. But with such a philosophy, which she seems to have thought about a lot, one wonders if her thoughts do come through in other ways.

I'm confused.  Are you talking about this thread or the other?  There is no link, so my search found "inequitable gift Giving' from the OP.  Is that the thread to which you are referring.  http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=116188.msg2718198#msg2718198  If you are referring to the other thread, it may add more confusion to this one and take it in the wrong direction. 

[WillyNilly]

I was talking with a co-worker about this thread at work yesterday.  She said she sends her son "just because" monetary gifts.  She says she feels like her son earns the money for his family while his wife is a SAHM.  She said she feels like even when her DiL gives a gift to her son, it is "really his earnings paying for it" and the "only way he ever gets a true gift is from his parents."  She mentioned she thought he "scraficed" a lot for his wife and kids and felt that his wife was a little high maintenance in the clothing and handbag department. 

After I picked my jaw off the floor, I asked if she realized how disprectfull her view of her DiL's contribution to the family is.  Her response was she didn't care.  She gave nice bday and Xmas gifts to her DiL and to the grandkids, but she felt her son deserved a few gifts that he didn't have to work for. 

I've never heard this woman make a negative statement before about her DiL.  She has commented a few times about how well dressed her DiL always is.  I am really suprised by this behavior.  Just thought I'd share that there are other inlaws out there like yours, or I work with your MiL.

I actually think this is a very different situation. 

First of all, this MIL is saying "she gave nice bday and Xmas gifts to her DiL and to the grandkids" which I believe our OP here has said does not happen.

Second, the "sacrifice" comment makes me wonder about the SAH part.  Sure in some families this is a decision a couple comes to and agrees on.  And that's fabulous.  But in some families... the husband would like very much for his wife to get a job outside the home and she just won't.  And that's the kind thing a mother might know about her son's family.  I can think of, off the top of my head two such families where the kids are in school and the wife isn't a big volunteer or great housekeeper or anything and else and the husband is working himself ragged to provide for his family and expresses how it would be great if his wife would work and she just brushes it off.  In one of the families I know the wife even has a master's degree, so its not for lack of credentials.  You can't make a person apply for show up to or do well at (aka retain) a job if they don't want to work and know they won't starve or be homeless if they don't.  And both of these husbands have each made at least one comment I've heard echoing that idea that [purchased] gift's from their wives are nice but not particularly welcome and not something they consider generous, since they are the only ones making the money to buy the stuff.

It doesn't sound like that's the case in our OP, especially since the OP's child is being left out of 'good' gifts as well.

[sparksals]

WillyNilly... actually it does.  CHeck out the referenced thread and you will see the correlation.  It is confusing because of two threads, but I think the other thread demonstrates this is a pattern. http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=116188.0

[WillyNilly]

WillyNilly... actually it does.  CHeck out the referenced thread and you will see the correlation.  It is confusing because of two threads, but I think the other thread demonstrates this is a pattern. http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=116188.0

Ok... I don't understand your point.  Ok I was wrong about the kid being included in good holiday gifts but I still these are different situations.  In Hmmmmm's story the MIL is giving the DIL good holiday and birthday gifts, in the OP's she is not.

But having seen the other thread... maybe it is a situation of the IL's thinking the OP should work.  Maybe they see her as a sponge (not saying she is, but maybe in their opinion she is) for not working to support her own child from a previous marriage and contribute to her new household financially.  Upthread you made a comment about how "[the MIL's] most likely stayed home while their husband was the bread winner" but I think that's a horribly interesting assumption on your part.  Why would you say that?  Women have been a common fixture in the work force for many decades now.  Both my grandmothers worked full time, as did/does my mother and my stepmother and both my parent's sisters.  My DF's mother has always worked full time and I know at least his paternal grandmother worked full time (she's the only one left alive for me to have chatted about it all with).  My best friend's mom worked and so did her grandmother.  Its not all uncommon.  I'm in my 30's and I remember back in elementary school in the 80's it was the rare anomaly of a family that had a stay-at-home-mom, most kid's mom's worked, full time, outside the house.  Heck even TV mom's in the 80's usually worked full time outside the house.

It doesn't make the disproportionate gift giving ok - and I specifically think the OP's situation is awful and unacceptable, but I think we don't have adequate information about Hmmmm's [co-worker's] story to say they are the same situation or that that MIL is as awful as OP's.

[Lynn2000]

I'm confused.  Are you talking about this thread or the other?  There is no link, so my search found "inequitable gift Giving' from the OP.  Is that the thread to which you are referring.  http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=116188.msg2718198#msg2718198  If you are referring to the other thread, it may add more confusion to this one and take it in the wrong direction.

Sorry, I am confusing myself and taking others along for the ride, apparently! I will be more careful to make sure I'm replying in the right thread. But my post here is correct, since I was discussing the story Hmmmmm posted about the MIL judging her SAHM DIL and demonstrating that judgment in her gift-giving.

[sparksals]

WillyNilly... actually it does.  CHeck out the referenced thread and you will see the correlation.  It is confusing because of two threads, but I think the other thread demonstrates this is a pattern. http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=116188.0

Ok... I don't understand your point.  Ok I was wrong about the kid being included in good holiday gifts but I still these are different situations.  In Hmmmmm's story the MIL is giving the DIL good holiday and birthday gifts, in the OP's she is not.

But having seen the other thread... maybe it is a situation of the IL's thinking the OP should work.  Maybe they see her as a sponge (not saying she is, but maybe in their opinion she is) for not working to support her own child from a previous marriage and contribute to her new household financially.  Upthread you made a comment about how "[the MIL's] most likely stayed home while their husband was the bread winner" but I think that's a horribly interesting assumption on your part.  Why would you say that?  Women have been a common fixture in the work force for many decades now.  Both my grandmothers worked full time, as did/does my mother and my stepmother and both my parent's sisters.  My DF's mother has always worked full time and I know at least his paternal grandmother worked full time (she's the only one left alive for me to have chatted about it all with).  My best friend's mom worked and so did her grandmother.  Its not all uncommon.  I'm in my 30's and I remember back in elementary school in the 80's it was the rare anomaly of a family that had a stay-at-home-mom, most kid's mom's worked, full time, outside the house.  Heck even TV mom's in the 80's usually worked full time outside the house.

It doesn't make the disproportionate gift giving ok - and I specifically think the OP's situation is awful and unacceptable, but I think we don't have adequate information about Hmmmm's [co-worker's] story to say they are the same situation or that that MIL is as awful as OP's.

No, you're not incorrect.   I pointed out the other thread to show that the OP had two different threads on corresponding subjects.  I wasn't referring to Hmmms post at all, but the OP's situation.