Ummm....your welcome?

[wyliefool]

NOW TO THE NEW QUESTION:

DH just mentioned that they are planning on coming for the 4th of July.   Lovely.
In addition to the list of housework I am planning on giving him....
what other pro-active measures can I take to:

a)  not feel overworked/underappreciated

b)  not be annoyed when they show up with "little gifts" for DH and DS..and nothing for me.   (which is something they did...but I forgot to mention)

c)   still genuinely feel gracious and accomodating.

d)   not take a hammer to my husbands head when they send/buy him something that is specifically, only for him - after they leave.

So your DH 'mentioned' that they're coming--meaning, they worked it out without any input from you at all and you were just informed about it??    I think at this point I'd say 'Uh no, I have to wash my hair that day'. Especially since you've been doing all the work for these visits, you need to be consulted on when they occur! At the very least, they can stay at a nice hotel and you can meet them for dinner or whatever. This is getting ridiculous--they were just there!

[Kaypeep]

Other pro-active measures?

1.  Make plans with friends and make a point to get out at least once a day and leave DH and son alone with his parents.  Let him entertain them while you enjoy something you really want to do.  Though I would bet that his mom will step in and do the work you would normally do.  Let her!  She's family enough to invite herself over then she's able to make her own meals.  If you come home to a sink full of dishes, call your husband over and say "honey, would you please clean up the dishes from lunch.  I can't start dinner until everything is washed and cleared out here.   Then go read a book.

2.  Come home from shopping and buying yourself something very nice (or the salon or spa) and announce "Yes, since you guys treated DH to gift cards to buy himself his tools and boots, he felt I should treat myself to ______________ as well."  (If they see a correlation to them gifting DH to DH gifting you to balance things out, maybe they will cut back to spite themselves.

3.  Talk to DH as the PPs have pointed out.

[NotTheNarcissist]

Other pro-active measures?

1.  Make plans with friends and make a point to get out at least once a day and leave DH and son alone with his parents.  Let him entertain them while you enjoy something you really want to do.  Though I would bet that his mom will step in and do the work you would normally do.  Let her!  She's family enough to invite herself over then she's able to make her own meals.  If you come home to a sink full of dishes, call your husband over and say "honey, would you please clean up the dishes from lunch.  I can't start dinner until everything is washed and cleared out here.   Then go read a book.

OP this is excellent advice & quite the sanity saver. If they absolutely must come July 4 which I hope doesn't happen, but if it does, have a 2-3 hr "something you can't get out of" already scheduled per day they visit. It's time for them to be pushed out of the nest & learn to fly.

[SuperMartianRobotGirl]

Them saying "thank you" is your thank you.

Couples are a social unit, they are as one. I do things for DH's family and they thank us by thanking him. My DH shows me appreciation for this. Your problem is with your DH not appreciating what you do for his family.

This is how I see it. A gift to my husband is a gift to us. Also, any tool given to him is a tool for the house, and therefore a tool for us. The fact that he'll have to physically do the work involved with the tool doesn't make me benefit from the work less.

[VorFemme]

I think that it is SS to expect to get the same level of gift as what they give their son.   He is their child, you are not.  It isn't as if they are giving you a bad-to-the-point-of-being-insulting gift (that I would characterize as rude).  It just isn't as great as what they gave your DH.  $100 is not chump change.

The issue of hostessing is I think something that you might actually be better off taking up with your husband.  You went to a great deal of trouble to host your in laws and your husband did not help.  It seems that you are feeling badly for having done so much work and are attributing that feeling as a reaction to a lack of appreciation from your in laws rather than looking at why you had to go to so much trouble all on your own in the first place.     

Her DH got BOTH gift cards - his tool and his boots - she got taken out to breakfast.

NOT equitable at all.

Time to let the DH do the cooking, cleaning, and prep work for his parents - SHE has to do something else.  Paint the master bedroom, sew new curtains for the kids' rooms, clean & organize the storage area for out of season clothes................whatever.

[Shoo]

Personally, I wouldn't lift a finger to prepare for this "visit" and I'd be darned sure to tell my husband exactly and precisely why.

OP, you are more patient woman than I am. 

[Two Ravens]

Them saying "thank you" is your thank you.

Couples are a social unit, they are as one. I do things for DH's family and they thank us by thanking him. My DH shows me appreciation for this. Your problem is with your DH not appreciating what you do for his family.

This is how I see it. A gift to my husband is a gift to us. Also, any tool given to him is a tool for the house, and therefore a tool for us. The fact that he'll have to physically do the work involved with the tool doesn't make me benefit from the work less.

This is really the way I see it too. Plus, buying my husband boots means we don't have to buy him boots now, therefore I can splurge for some sandals, or something. Maybe I'm weird/odd/selfish, but I would just see his gift as an oppertunity to buy something for myself. 

Plus, in our house, it is true, whoever's family is in town, that person does most of the hosting. Right now, my in-laws are in town, and my husband is out with them showing them around, and I am at home drinking a mimosa 

[Sophia]

But, if he wasn't going to be actually getting the boots or the tools with their family money, then the OP will really see no benefit. 

If I were you OP, I would only do as much work for the visit as I could do without resentment. 

[VorFemme]

I think that your DH needs to clean up the yard, pressure wash a few things, and cooking all the food on the grill that weekend would be such a manly thing for him to do.   Especially if he does all the prep work in the kitchen, too.......

Snarky and Evil had a few other ideas - involving the DIL putting on a bathing suit, some sunscreen, grabbing a margarita, and mentioning that it was her weekend to take it easy and "chill" because their marvelous son is going to take over things to give her a three day vacation over the long weekend!  Isn't he just the sweetest, most wonderful man ever and didn't they do such a fabulous job of raising him for him to be so marvelously thoughtful and considerate?

What mother and father could possibly say anything about that - because they must have done a good job, right?

If the food and house cleaning isn't up to the IL's standards - well - I'm sure that they'll forgive their son!  Maybe the next gift card will be for a house cleaning service........

[Petticoats]

Personally, I wouldn't lift a finger to prepare for this "visit" and I'd be darned sure to tell my husband exactly and precisely why.

OP, you are more patient woman than I am.

Absolutely. It sounds like it's past time to have a come-to-Jesus meeting (or deer snot uprising) with your husband and fill him in on how inequitably his parents treat you--and how inconsiderately *he* treats you. Informing you of the July 4th visit? I think not. If you are equal partners, he should have consulted you before accepting their directive to host them.

I'm so indignant on your behalf that I am having imaginary conversations with him and your in-laws. Husband needs to appreciate you more--and teach his parents to do so. If they can't be taught, he needs to have your back.

Good luck on the Fourth--me, I'd skip the cleaning and go stay at a friend's until the ILs are out of town.

[Autumn Rose]

LOL....you ladies crack me up!

IL's live far away.   We only really see them approx twice a year.   My P live close,  so we see them much more often.   I never call my husband and say  "is it ok if they come to dinner"?

If the dates they chose to visit were inconvenient, then I would say "no"....and DH would be okay with that.   

I must also note that DH does usually help with the everyday cleaning.

As for their actual visit....I wouldnt feel comfortable saying  "ok - see ya"...and leaving them to go see friends.    That just seems rude to me.    (especially since we do see them so infrequently)



****

Now to the question:

I havent had a "conversation" with DH...because I havent been able to articulate their "PA gift giving", without just seeming like a greedy gimme.

"Waahhhh.....your parents gave YOU a gift....and didnt get me anything"
And as other OP have mentioned, some of them feel that that it is OK for his parents to do that.   

I was thinking of just making a list...and saying....here is how I feel....and here is the "list" of gifts given to us over the years.   Then saying  "can you SEE the discrepancy"?

The only problem with this is that, frankly, I really cant remember everything they have given him vs. me....over all these years.

I agree....I MUST speak with DH about this....

So how do I explain HOW I am feeling?

[JenJay]

I'd just be completely honest, I mean, this is your honey, right? I would choose a time when things are quiet and relaxed, like maybe at the end of a good day, and tell him something like -

"Something has been on my mind and I'd like to get your opinion. Have you ever noticed that your parents regularly give you hundreds of dollars worth of gifts, and they give DS hundreds, too, which means SO much to me, but when it comes to my gifts, well.... I get things like bandaids. Occasionally I get nothing at all. It's causing me to wonder if they're trying to send me some kind of message. I don't care about the 'stuff', but I do care about having a good relationship with them. What do you think?"

Then sit back and see what he has to say. Best wishes!!

[VorFemme]

"What are your parents trying to tell me when they send you $400 in two gift cards after staying with us but give me a box of bandages at Christmas?"

"I've been listing what they've gotten us over the years and the list looks really ODD - here, you take a look and tell me what YOU think is going through their heads."

Hand him list with DH, DS, and Autumn Rose as headers - and list as many things as you can think of (dates if you can group them that way)  so he can compare the year he got the Rolex, the DS got enough Leggos to make a bed for his room, and you got the orange fringe thing & a box of bandages - then the year that his birthday was 3XX, DS got 2XX, and you got a dollar store box of Thank You cards (not even any stamps & a new address book).

[BarensMom]

I think you should go spend the weekend at your parents' this year and let DH host his parents all by himself.  If he reaps the rewards, he should do ALL the work.

[Sharnita]

"Oh they are visisting on those dates - such a shame that I had already agreed to go with my friends for a ladies getaway then.  I was just going to tell you about it today." (Try to have a friend on  standby for whenever they visit).