Author Topic: Unsure vegetarian  (Read 3543 times)

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Snooks

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Re: Unsure vegetarian
« Reply #15 on: May 20, 2012, 02:40:52 PM »
Given none of those quotes are mine (the OP) I retract my previous post, I apologise for the misunderstanding.

Snooks

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Re: Unsure vegetarian
« Reply #16 on: May 20, 2012, 04:02:24 PM »
Well dinner was yummy and the vegetarian did show up.  This girl has a reputation for being a little bit "special" which is why I think the host went out of her way to cater for her.  Turns out that deciding at the last minute whether to attend a gathering isn't the only rude behaviour this girl partakes in, it was an interesting evening witnessing what some people think is OK when at someone else's house, or maybe I'm just over sensitive.

C'mon! Don't leave us hanging!

I'm a little hesitant to post these as I think my idea of suitable behaviour seems to differ slightly from other posters.  I can't decide whether these behaviours are rude or just a bit "off".

Her food choices are irrelevant to all of these however I'll stick to the term Vegetarian for ease of typing!

Note: this was the first time the vegetarian had been to the host's home but I believe she'd met the hosts once before.  It should also be noted the vegetarian is in her mid-thirties.
  • When asked what she'd like to drink (admittedly an open question) asked for something that involved the host doing more than opening a bottle/pouring a drink which all the other guests requested
  • Once the host started making the drink the vegetarian opened the host's fridge to look for non-standard accompaniments to the drink, along the lines of adding soda to a glass of wine, not unheard of but not offered as standard either
  • Vegetarian then took herself off to sit at the table which was set for dinner and set up her laptop
  • Vegetarian didn't interact with anyone and didn't join all the other guests on a tour of the house before dinner
  • When dinner was served vegetarian took her laptop and sat on the couch until she'd finished her task (which was purely leisure)
  • Vegetarian then joined us for dinner with no apology or comment about what she'd just been doing
  • After dinner vegetarian made an in depth inspection of several aspects of the hosts home, including rifling through one of their non-kitchen cupboards which the hosts had opened to put something away

The rudest parts to me were the laptop and the inspecting.

LeveeWoman

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Re: Unsure vegetarian
« Reply #17 on: May 20, 2012, 04:22:55 PM »
It was her first tme to be a guest in that home and I'd bet it'll be her last.

QueenofAllThings

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Re: Unsure vegetarian
« Reply #18 on: May 20, 2012, 08:13:11 PM »
Without detail about the drinks etc, I'll leave those alone.

The laptop? Seriously?!?!? Who does that?  :o   :o  And one more for good  measure  :o

doodlemor

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Re: Unsure vegetarian
« Reply #19 on: May 20, 2012, 09:26:14 PM »
If I were the hostess I would have ordered asked her to take the laptop off the table as soon as I saw it there.  To me this seems very unsanitary.  Yuk, who knows where the thing has been?  I would be very hesitant to ever have her back.

Your idea of suitable behavior is correct, Snooks.  Vegetarian behaved boorishly for much of the evening.

blarg314

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Re: Unsure vegetarian
« Reply #20 on: May 21, 2012, 06:04:09 AM »

I don't blame the host for switching to a meal that everyone will eat, rather than cooking a full meat meal, and a special veggie meal one of the guests. The latter is a lot more work when hosting than the former, and if people are going to be upset regardless of which way you go, I'd pick the version that takes the least effort.

In general, I think it *is* ruder to cancel on an event where the host has made a special effort for you than for a event where you're one of the group.  But I think that the more effort/expense that goes into an event, the ruder a last minute cancellation is, because the burden on the host is larger, and the greater the inconvenience is to them.

Lynn2000

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Re: Unsure vegetarian
« Reply #21 on: May 21, 2012, 11:15:35 AM »
Did the hostess serve an adequate meal? Yes? Then she was not rude. She's not obligated to serve a meat dish or any other signature dish. It's her choice to do so or not.

In the interests of full disclosure, I am a vegetarian. But what I find rude about the attitude that the hostess "deprived" the majority of her guests is that hints at entitlement on the part of any of the 7 who are offended. The first hint I got that someone felt they were entitled to or would feel deprived of my signature dish, would be the time I'd stop making it for parties altogether. We could insert any other dietary need/choice and I'd feel the same: low fat meal, low carb, gluten-free, low sugar or salt, etc.

And there are so many reasons that a person might chose to base the meal around one guest. It's a good way to get yourself to stretch your cooking boundaries when you otherwise might not: try new recipes and menu configurations. Maybe meat wasn't in the budget. Maybe she's trying out some dietary options of her own. Maybe she just isn't in the mood or it was a whim on her part. The assumption that she did it solely to indulge the vegetarian is pretty interesting and possibly not at all accurate. Even if she did, she would not be rude.

O'Dell, since you quoted my post :) I feel like we don't actually disagree.

Using the information stated by the OP--that the hostess was specially-preparing the menu to accommodate a single guest in the group, and that the OP was disappointed by the menu--I said that I felt it wasn't the guest's fault IF the others didn't like the meal, or don't think they'll like it. Menu choice is solely on the hostess and it didn't sound like she was pressured into it. And I would feel the same whether it was vegetarian, low salt, gluten-free, whatever.

I think your post brings up some good points that haven't been mentioned in the thread, I just don't think they're at odds with what I wrote--I was trying to answer the OP's question based on the information given, and you were trying to broaden the discussion with new points. :)
~Lynn2000

Snooks

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Re: Unsure vegetarian
« Reply #22 on: May 21, 2012, 11:27:45 AM »
Can we please move away from the idea that I was in anyway disappointed with the menu.  You can be simultaneously satisfied with what is offered and disappointed that the hostess isn't making her specialty.

Lynn2000

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Re: Unsure vegetarian
« Reply #23 on: May 21, 2012, 06:02:25 PM »
Can we please move away from the idea that I was in anyway disappointed with the menu.  You can be simultaneously satisfied with what is offered and disappointed that the hostess isn't making her specialty.

Sorry, I reread the OP and indeed you don't make any mention of how you feel about the meal. In your next post a couple down you mentioned being "upset" you wouldn't get one of the hostess's famous meat dishes, but you did have a ;) next to it, so perhaps I read more seriousness into your comment than you intended. :)
~Lynn2000

Mikayla

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Re: Unsure vegetarian
« Reply #24 on: May 22, 2012, 03:19:56 PM »
Did the hostess serve an adequate meal? Yes? Then she was not rude. She's not obligated to serve a meat dish or any other signature dish. It's her choice to do so or not.

In the interests of full disclosure, I am a vegetarian. But what I find rude about the attitude that the hostess "deprived" the majority of her guests is that hints at entitlement on the part of any of the 7 who are offended. The first hint I got that someone felt they were entitled to or would feel deprived of my signature dish, would be the time I'd stop making it for parties altogether. We could insert any other dietary need/choice and I'd feel the same: low fat meal, low carb, gluten-free, low sugar or salt, etc.


I'm another one chiming in because my post was quoted.  O'Dell, in the first bolding, I never said or implied the hostess was rude, for the simple reason she wasn't.  I just said I would not configure my menu for one person, and that's just a statement of fact.  It doesn't mean I'm saying anyone who makes different choices is rude. (I realize someone else used the actual term "rude" but I didn't like being lumped in with that).

On the second part, I strongly disagree that "feeling deprived" means a person is offended or, even worse, entitled.  It's just disappointment that a signature dish wasn't there.  This is hardly bad etiquette, because we aren't judged on feelings.  I've walked into dinner parties where a cook didn't serve one of her sig dishes, and been very disappointed with the menu.  Does that make me rude?  Not even a little bit.  Rudeness comes into play in how I handled it, and I handled it fine, just as I'm sure Snooks did.


O'Dell

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Re: Unsure vegetarian
« Reply #25 on: May 22, 2012, 03:47:43 PM »
I agree with Shades and Lynn, maybe even putting it a little stronger.  I recently started eating meat after 20 years of being a veggie, and during that time, my favorite place to eat was high-end steak houses, because the side dishes and salads were so yummy. It's not good hosting if the menu makes one person happy and 7 feel deprived.

OP mentioned she's known for her yummy meat dishes, so I have to say I don't get why she'd reconfigure the menu that much to begin with.

Mikayla, I was referring to the bolded statement in your quote. I showed that in a subsequent post.

 
Did the hostess serve an adequate meal? Yes? Then she was not rude. She's not obligated to serve a meat dish or any other signature dish. It's her choice to do so or not.

In the interests of full disclosure, I am a vegetarian. But what I find rude about the attitude that the hostess "deprived" the majority of her guests is that hints at entitlement on the part of any of the 7 who are offended. The first hint I got that someone felt they were entitled to or would feel deprived of my signature dish, would be the time I'd stop making it for parties altogether. We could insert any other dietary need/choice and I'd feel the same: low fat meal, low carb, gluten-free, low sugar or salt, etc.


I'm another one chiming in because my post was quoted.  O'Dell, in the first bolding, I never said or implied the hostess was rude, for the simple reason she wasn't.  I just said I would not configure my menu for one person, and that's just a statement of fact.  It doesn't mean I'm saying anyone who makes different choices is rude. (I realize someone else used the actual term "rude" but I didn't like being lumped in with that).

On the second part, I strongly disagree that "feeling deprived" means a person is offended or, even worse, entitled.  It's just disappointment that a signature dish wasn't there.  This is hardly bad etiquette, because we aren't judged on feelings.  I've walked into dinner parties where a cook didn't serve one of her sig dishes, and been very disappointed with the menu.  Does that make me rude?  Not even a little bit.  Rudeness comes into play in how I handled it, and I handled it fine, just as I'm sure Snooks did.


You didn't use the word rude, but you did imply that her hosting was not adequate if "7 (of the 8) feel deprived" because of not having one of her signature dishes. I stand by what I said. If the hostess serves an adequate meal, saying that it's not good hosting because of the lack of one dish is entitled thinking.

Definition of deprived via Google: Suffering a severe and damaging lack of basic material and cultural benefits.
(of a person) Suffering a lack of a specified benefit that is considered important.

Do you really mean to say that *one* dish hoped for dish at a gathering is a basic material and cultural benefit and someone is justified in feeling deprived? Or that the *one* dish is so very important? Or that not getting it is suffering? Unexpressed disappointment is one thing. Feeling deprived over it is something else.

We read about so many examples of bad hosting here. IMO, it's overblown and offensive to suggest that a situation like this is  not good hosting because a few people are bummed that a hostess didn't make a dish that they hoped for.
Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.
Walt Whitman