Who should drive Grandpa? - update post 39

[Shopaholic]

BG:
Mom and Uncle are Grandpa's kids. The cousins, all over 20, get along well. The families get together often for holidays and family celebrations. Mom lives halfway between Uncle and Grandpa, about 20 minutes from each. Grandpa lives in a remote village and doesn't drive.
Someone has to pick him up and drop him back off for every family get-together. Granpa likes to be the first one there, and to leave early so that means whoever drives him has to adjust to his schedule.

My question is, who should be Grandpa's driver? Possible drivers:

Daughter1 and Son in Law live about an hour from Mom's house, in Grandpa's general direction. Driving to Grandpa's and picking him up is an addition 30-45 minutes detour off the highway. They are usually the ones that pick up Grandpa, they even did so when they lived in the completely opposite direction and driving him added more than an hour to the drive home. They have their own car and pay for their own gas. However, Daughter has said that she sometimes feels the only reason she is invited to Uncle's is so she could pick up Grandpa.

Son and DIL live 2 minutes away from Mom. They currently have a baby, but even when they didn't they never drove Grandpa. They have their own car, but also frequent use of PIL's company car which is very large and they don't pay for gas.

Daughter2 and BF recently moved an hour away from Mom, in the same general direction as Daughter1. They are students and come home most weekends. BF has his own car which Daughter2 uses frequently, and she also gets to use Mom's car when she needs it.

Cousin1 is a student, lives near the university in the opposite direction of Grandpa's house. He owns a very old car.

Cousin2 and Cousin3 technically live at home, but are away during most of the week working. They both have use of Uncle's car when they need it on the weekends, and usually arrive independently at family functions and leave early to see friends.

I would be interested in knowing who you think should drive Grandpa, and why? Thanks!

[snowdragon]

None one should have to be the designated driver ALL. THE. TIME.
 
 I have a brother who lives in Chicago...who when he comes in gets use of my my mom's car. Mom then takes her sister's car. Aunt often needs "favors" done in return for the car's use. Including picking her up for event at our house, cleaning the snow off her other car, cleaning cat boxes and more.
  For 7 years I was the one who drove mom to pick up the extra car and got stuck doing the work, had my holidays interrupted and using my car to drive her there and back, ect. Brother never had to suffer any of the inconveniences that came with his getting the free use of mom's car and gas. I got all of it. And saying I resented it, is an understatement.
 Anyone who has to do ALL of something, all the adjusting, all the missing out, is eventually going to resent it and the person causing it. If gramps wants to come, then the family should all take turns and gramps needs to adjust to other's schedules, not the other way around.

[MacadamiaNut]

None one should have to be the designated driver ALL. THE. TIME.
 
 I have a brother who lives in Chicago...who when he comes in gets use of my my mom's car. Mom then takes her sister's car. Aunt often needs "favors" done in return for the car's use. Including picking her up for event at our house, cleaning the snow off her other car, cleaning cat boxes and more.
  For 7 years I was the one who drove mom to pick up the extra car and got stuck doing the work, had my holidays interrupted and using my car to drive her there and back, ect. Brother never had to suffer any of the inconveniences that came with his getting the free use of mom's car and gas. I got all of it. And saying I resented it, is an understatement.
 Anyone who has to do ALL of something, all the adjusting, all the missing out, is eventually going to resent it and the person causing it. If gramps wants to come, then the family should all take turns and gramps needs to adjust to other's schedules, not the other way around.

I didn't understand completely who was who in the story but after reading this I realized it doesn't matter.  I agree, everyone should take turns and grandpa should adjust his schedule (unless he has a valid reason for why he has to be first in, first out all the time.)


eta: One final thing, I guess the only people who should probably be left out of the taking turns are those who have to go so ridiculously out of the way that it doesn't make sense for them to go pick him up and drop him off.

[sammycat]

Grandpa likes to be the first one there, and to leave early so that means whoever drives him has to adjust to his schedule.

Regardless of who drives grandpa, grandpa should be adjusting his schedule to meet theirs.   I don't allow people I'm nice enough to chauffeur around to dictate when I leave to/from a place.  If they want to leave at a particular time that's not convenient to me, they are free to make other arrangements.

[sparksals]

I also have trouble understanding who is who and where they are.   The best is for everyone to alternate. 

[Shopaholic]

I didn't understand completely who was who in the story but after reading this I realized it doesn't matter.  I agree, everyone should take turns and grandpa should adjust his schedule (unless he has a valid reason for why he has to be first in, first out all the time.)

eta: One final thing, I guess the only people who should probably be left out of the taking turns are those who have to go so ridiculously out of the way that it doesn't make sense for them to go pick him up and drop him off.

The thing is - he's out of the way for everybody, so taking that detour off the highway will take the same time for someone coming from his direction as for someone making the drive especially from Mom/Uncle's direction.

[LifeOnPluto]

Grandpa likes to be the first one there, and to leave early so that means whoever drives him has to adjust to his schedule.

Regardless of who drives grandpa, grandpa should be adjusting his schedule to meet theirs.   I don't allow people I'm nice enough to chauffeur around to dictate when I leave to/from a place.  If they want to leave at a particular time that's not convenient to me, they are free to make other arrangements.

I agree. Grandpa needs to fit in with the driver's preferences (within reason). If Grandpa doesn't like it, he needs to take a taxi or something.

OP, I'm wondering if you are Daughter 1? If so, I think it's unreasonable that you have to do the bulk of chauffeuring Grandpa to family events, especially when it appears you live the farthest away from him. I personally think the people who live the closest should do the majority of lifts. 

[MacadamiaNut]

I didn't understand completely who was who in the story but after reading this I realized it doesn't matter.  I agree, everyone should take turns and grandpa should adjust his schedule (unless he has a valid reason for why he has to be first in, first out all the time.)

eta: One final thing, I guess the only people who should probably be left out of the taking turns are those who have to go so ridiculously out of the way that it doesn't make sense for them to go pick him up and drop him off.

The thing is - he's out of the way for everybody, so taking that detour off the highway will take the same time for someone coming from his direction as for someone making the drive especially from Mom/Uncle's direction.

So I guess it's even steven then.  Even more reason that everyone should just take turns.  I'm not sure how who has what car makes a difference but that's also maybe because I can't put the who's who puzzle together in my tired little brain.  But my first instinct was that it doesn't matter about the car type and who has what arrangement in terms of paying for gas, etc., so I've thrown that part of the evidence out.  To me the only way it might matter is if grandpa can't fit in one of the cars but it sounds like there's room for him in all the cars.  What their personal arrangements are for gas and who pays for it doesn't come into play for me. 

If it matters though, OP, please clarify.  I think the story is missing that one anchor person that we can tie all the relationships back to so it's hard to tell who is who.  Maybe if you define who is who in relation to you or who is who in relation to grandpa then it might be easier.  I might be wrong but it looks like there is a mix in the story.  For example, if you are Daughter1, then who is Son and DIL?  Your son and DIL or uncle's? Who are these cousins? The uncle's kids or the uncle's kids' kids?  How many generations are depicted here?  Three or four?  See what I mean? (and now after saying "who" a lot, I'm starting to feel like an owl .)  I'm also quite tired so if none of this makes sense, it's probably me. 

Anyway, you don't have to clarify it unless you think it's required info.

[snowdragon]

Grandpa likes to be the first one there, and to leave early so that means whoever drives him has to adjust to his schedule.

Regardless of who drives grandpa, grandpa should be adjusting his schedule to meet theirs.   I don't allow people I'm nice enough to chauffeur around to dictate when I leave to/from a place.  If they want to leave at a particular time that's not convenient to me, they are free to make other arrangements.

I agree. Grandpa needs to fit in with the driver's preferences (within reason). If Grandpa doesn't like it, he needs to take a taxi or something.

OP, I'm wondering if you are Daughter 1? If so, I think it's unreasonable that you have to do the bulk of chauffeuring Grandpa to family events, especially when it appears you live the farthest away from him. I personally think the people who live the closest should do the majority of lifts.

 If there are 8 people in the family other than gramps each person will end up driving gramps, about once a year. That's not too much of a burden for anyone...even if it's a little father out of the way for them. Even with 6 major holidays ( Christmas, Easter, Memorial Day, Labor Day and Thanksgiving) and if you had family parties for every birthday you'd be driving once a year most years and twice every other year.  Everyone in a family should be able to pitch in and drive gramps that often.

  OP: What about having family things at gramp's house instead?

[snowdragon]

Here's what I get out of the relationships

                       Gramps
                         /       \
                        /          \
                 mom           uncle
                  D1              Cousin1   
                  D2               Cousin2
                  Son               Cousin

Spouses and Children of the second generation are not included. I can't tell who the OP is in all of this. I don't think that having a baby should excuse Son from participating in the rotation, nor should distance. Every one needs to take their fair turn in all of this. And gramps needs to bend on arrival/leaving time.

[magician5]

Granpa likes to be the first one there, and to leave early so that means whoever drives him has to adjust to his schedule.

No they don't. I would say that the recipient of the favor (Granpa) has to adjust to the schedule of whomever provides the service.

[FauxFoodist]

I've first got to say that, in my ethnic cultural heritage, we would never dream of dictating to an older generation relative when he/she gets to arrive/leave.  It's just not done and is considered rude and disrespectful.  Coming from that viewpoint, everyone would be expected to pitch in and drive the relative around if asked -- well, at least, the relative in my mind is my beloved grandmother.

From my American viewpoint, we would try to work it out with Grandpa and with others in the family.  DF has an aunt who has held up our schedule a couple of times because she just didn't feel like getting ready in time for when we asked her to be ready.  After the second time, we told her we'd meet her at the restaurant at a specific time and figured if she didn't get there in time, we would just start without her.  Funny thing is, that time after being told we'd meet her at the restaurant, she asked us to meet her at her house and said she'd be ready when we got there (she also had the nerve to complain when we got there later than expected because, frankly, the last time, she made us wait about 30-45 minutes past when we said she needed to be ready because, get this, she was still drinking her coffee...even though we told her over an hour before we left for church what time we'd be back, which would be about 1.5 hours later).  Why would I not do the same to my grandmother?  Because she would never put us in that spot in the first place and would be ready to go at the time requested.  The consideration goes both ways so I knew my grandmother would not expect more than was expected of us.

Anyway, cultural differences and family dynamics play a part here.  I'm assuming Grandpa is not toxic so that's not an issue.  I would say everyone should make driving arrangements beforehand so that not necessarily the same people picking up Grandpa are the same people driving him home.  Also, Mom and Uncle should be making these arrangements -- maybe Mom's side of the family does picking up/dropping off then Uncle's side of the family does the other.

[kudeebee]

I think Mom and Uncle should be doing the driving.  Mom only lives 20 minutes away, so would not be a bad trip for her.  Uncle is 40 minutes, still not too bad of a trip.  DD/Sil should not have to go 45 more minutes out of their way, each direction to pick up Grandpa.  If mom and uncle want grandpa at the events, then they need to figure out how to get him there.  If uncle is doing most of the hosting, then mom should perhaps do the driving with uncle kicking in some gas money every other time.

[Syrse]

I've first got to say that, in my ethnic cultural heritage, we would never dream of dictating to an older generation relative when he/she gets to arrive/leave.  It's just not done and is considered rude and disrespectful. Coming from that viewpoint, everyone would be expected to pitch in and drive the relative around if asked -- well, at least, the relative in my mind is my beloved grandmother.

While I understand your standpoint, it still wouldn't excuse grandpa to lay down the times. He could easily ask of course, but if it's inconvenient or impossible to the driver (the drivers with the newborn for instance can't just adjust a baby's schedule), Grandpa should be willing to adjust his times. If he doesn't want to do that, fine, but he can then call around to make other arrangements. Worst case, he grabs a cab.
But to treat family like a taxi service with demands on 'pick me up then and drop me off NOW', sorry, that is rude. Being an older generation relative does not excuse that. You're family, so you're more than able to talk and discuss, and find a solution to benefit everybody.

OP, not dissing your grandpa here of course, merely using as example

While I agree that alternating turns would be best in this case, I hardly see the problem if one or two people don't want to do it. As long as you have four people helping out in this, it's still an easy ride.
My husbands family does the same for their grandma. She has nine kids, but only two or three ever drive her to these gatherings. We never really make a fuss about people 'skipping turns'. She generally calls around herself until she has a ride. Most of the time her kids beat her to it, and call themselves to offer.
If she gets tired early, and it inconveniences the current driver to leave right then and there, there's always somebody else that pipes up and goes to drop her off. Or grandma waits another five minutes and leaves with the next party.
So it mostly depends on the when and where and on family situations who drives. To them, it's not a chore. And it's really not worth getting into a family feud over.

[FauxFoodist]

I've first got to say that, in my ethnic cultural heritage, we would never dream of dictating to an older generation relative when he/she gets to arrive/leave.  It's just not done and is considered rude and disrespectful. Coming from that viewpoint, everyone would be expected to pitch in and drive the relative around if asked -- well, at least, the relative in my mind is my beloved grandmother.

While I understand your standpoint, it still wouldn't excuse grandpa to lay down the times. He could easily ask of course, but if it's inconvenient or impossible to the driver (the drivers with the newborn for instance can't just adjust a baby's schedule), Grandpa should be willing to adjust his times. If he doesn't want to do that, fine, but he can then call around to make other arrangements. Worst case, he grabs a cab.
But to treat family like a taxi service with demands on 'pick me up then and drop me off NOW', sorry, that is rude. Being an older generation relative does not excuse that. You're family, so you're more than able to talk and discuss, and find a solution to benefit everybody.

Again, ethnic heritage and family dynamics plays a part in this so what is considered rude in one family isn't necessarily rude in another.  Obviously, for a lot of people, the bolded is considered rude and being an older relative doesn't excuse that.  As I pointed out for my ethnic heritage and my family dynamic, being an older relative DOES excuse something like stating when that relative wants to arrive/leave and it is rude of the younger relative to contradict that.  Since you are not in my family, you don't get to establish what is considered acceptable/not acceptable standards of etiquette if this is the way it's done in my family and is an accepted standard.  Again, my older relatives would not normally abuse this so we wouldn't experience the demands of Grandpa (if we asked my grandmother when she wanted to arrive/leave, I'm sure she would say whenever we wanted to arrive/leave).

Anyway, I mentioned my own cultural differences because etiquette rules aren't black and white -- proper etiquette in one country doesn't mean it's proper in another and since the OP talks about villages, I'm guessing the OP doesn't live in the US (since we speak of towns and cities, not villages).