Posting wedding photos online.

[lollylegs]

I would be uncomfortable if someone posted that many photos of my wedding on FB before I'd even gotten a chance to see my photographer's pictures as well.  For one thing, I think it's better to ask permission before posting photos of someone else's event.  Also, it's kind of hard for me to explain, but it felt to me like I had some possession over what went on that day, and the record of it.  Maybe I was just being crazy bridal Zilla, but I got annoyed when my SIL and her BF went into the church and took pictures of themselves standing up at the altar - it was like "this is my wedding, not yours"!  I think it's very possible that your friend wanted to have some time (and get her photographer's pictues) to create the record that she wanted of the wedding. 

I think posting over 100 pictures was the problem.  It wasn't your event, so you posting so many pictures was ...  not sure how to put this ... kind of over-the-top.  I can see posting a few (a dozen maybe?  Two dozen maybe?) of your best shots of your friends, but posting over 100?  Too much.  I can see the HC being bothered by that. 

This and this is what I was thinking but couldn't quite parse. I wouldn't mind if friends posted a selection of photos of my wedding, but I would be a bit annoyed if someone posted 100 photos before I had a chance to post my own.

[lovepickles]

I would be uncomfortable with having a lot of random pictures of my wedding all over facebook, especially if it was the first wave and I haven't even had a chance to post. You weren't hired to be the photographer. 3-4 images of you and your friends ... NOT the bride would be acceptable to post without permission but posting an image of the bride, the cake, the hall etc is off limits in my opinion because they probably paid a boatload of money and would like to also make attempts at shaping the social memory of the event. Let them.

[Ms Aspasia]

I would be uncomfortable with having a lot of random pictures of my wedding all over facebook, especially if it was the first wave and I haven't even had a chance to post. You weren't hired to be the photographer. 3-4 images of you and your friends ... NOT the bride would be acceptable to post without permission but posting an image of the bride, the cake, the hall etc is off limits in my opinion because they probably paid a boatload of money and would like to also make attempts at shaping the social memory of the event. Let them.

Yes, I agree.  It isn't reasonable to post so many photos of someone else's milestone event without their agreement.

[Oh Joy]

I think this is one of those situations where there's a wide difference between rights and courtesy.  Guests absolutely have every right to post their pictures from a wedding (the B&G don't 'own' everything related to the day or event, despite what some seem to think), but it may not be considerate of the hosts.

This may be a bad comparison (I get that it has flaws, but feels a bit similar to me) but it's kind of like bringing dessert unsolicited to a dinner party and serving it while the host clears the dinner dishes away.  The hostess has dedicated resources to preparing a certain dessert, and now some of the guests will be full by the time she comes back from the kitchen with hers.

[lady_disdain]

I would be uncomfortable with having a lot of random pictures of my wedding all over facebook, especially if it was the first wave and I haven't even had a chance to post. You weren't hired to be the photographer. 3-4 images of you and your friends ... NOT the bride would be acceptable to post without permission but posting an image of the bride, the cake, the hall etc is off limits in my opinion because they probably paid a boatload of money and would like to also make attempts at shaping the social memory of the event. Let them.

To me, this concept is completely over the top and controlling. The HC threw a party, people enjoyed themselves, took pictures and shared them. Trying to control how the event is remembered afterwards is going into 1984 territory (to be completely over the top).

If the HC wants their pictures to be the first, then they have to be proactive about it: negotiate with the photographer for some quick "Internet quality" shots, have a friend or family member doing quick shots for them or asking that guests refrain from taking pictures (which is probably not going well). Telling people not to share or limiting the pictures they share is, in this day and age, similar to telling people not to talk about the wedding until they publish the "official" version.

[LadyL]

I would be uncomfortable with having a lot of random pictures of my wedding all over facebook, especially if it was the first wave and I haven't even had a chance to post. You weren't hired to be the photographer. 3-4 images of you and your friends ... NOT the bride would be acceptable to post without permission but posting an image of the bride, the cake, the hall etc is off limits in my opinion because they probably paid a boatload of money and would like to also make attempts at shaping the social memory of the event. Let them.

The only thing the bride and groom get to control by paying for a photographer is the quality of the photographs in their wedding album. No one controls the "social memory" of an event. It's really an absurd concept when you really think about it (not to pick on you, pickles, but I really don't think it makes sense under scrutiny). Let's break down what it might mean:

1. People on the internet seeing non-professional photos of the wedding will somehow taint their memory of the event.
2. Conversely, seeing professional, beautifully shot photos would enhance everyone's "social memory" somehow.
3. It is somehow insensitive to share one's photographic record of an event before the professional photos come out, because of the cost of the professional photos, as if the cost of photography has a bearing on anyone but the people paying for it. So, if the bride paid $1000 should you wait one week to post photos, but if she paid $4000 you wait a month? If an art student friend took the photos as a favor can you post the photos right away? Bringing the money paid into etiquette makes no sense.

The most I would agree to is, don't post unflattering or very personal (i.e. first kiss) pictures of the bride and groom on facebook, especially if they are really bad quality (i.e. blurry, terrible red eye, etc.) because seeing a *bad* photo from your wedding might actually make you feel bad for a second (as a bride/groom).

I will further add that it is perfectly fine to have whatever emotional, irrational reaction you have to a situation - etiquette is only concerned with actions. I would say the friend in the OP was rude because she basically tried to guilt the OP into taking the photos down by acting like the OP had overstepped . It was the friend that overstepped by justifying her request by mentioning how much money was paid for the photos. She made an invasive request that was really poorly justified, given how controlling it comes off. If she had just picked up the phone and said "look, I know this may seem nuts, but we are really excited for the pro photos and would prefer those go up first" and left money out of it, it might have never made it onto ehell  .

[Honeypickle]

Eh, I can kind of see the bride's point of view. It seems ridiculous now three years on, but just after my wedding, I did want to try and "control" the visuals of the day. I had spent a lot of time and money in organising my perfect day and I would not have appreciated a guest posting over 100 photos of my day before I'd had a chance to circulate the professional ones.
I think you do want to circulate photos to your guests showing the pivotal moments of the day - YOUR wedding day - and the cheesy, silly photos of the guests enjoying themselves and grinning like loons, whilst good to see, are not the first ones you want circulated of your wedding.
I'm sure in time the bride will realise she was being a bit over the top, but in the first flush of wedding aftermath, I can see her point.

[Tilt Fairy]

This is always such a widely discussed topic now that we are in the age of social networking.

I'm personally a private person and I would not like anyone putting photos of me and especially my wedding day on their Facebook account. HOWEVER, it is their Facebook account. It is not against the law nor is it rude to post photos on Facebook, a newspaper, on ehell on anything.. of anything taken in a public place (obviously exceptions with celebrities and minors and injunctions etc..) When people take photos of something, they are allowed to do with it what they wish, even if those photos feature you and you don't want your picture on the internet. That's just how it is.

But this has an added element - it's to do with how you want your friendship to grow and be maintained vs what you are legally, morally and within your rights do do. You went to your friends wedding so she must be your friend and you must like her yes? So if she kindly asks you if you wouldn't mind doing something in a nice way (even though you are perfectly allowed to do it), why wouldn't you oblige if she's your friend? You may view it as unreasonable so you can either choose to carry on with it, or you can comply with her kind request. I don't even think it's a question of etiquette but the things we do for our friends and loved ones.

When I get married, I might have a quiet word with people and say "me and MrFairy would be very grateful if you didn't post any of our wedding photos on Facebook, I know this might be a little over the top but we just wouldn't be comfortable with it so hope you can understand. Sorry to be a pain!". I don't think any of our friends would put photographs on Facebook after that, even if they wanted to originally because its an act they choose not to do because it will hurt their friend. That's what friendship is. e.g. my housemate might ask me if I could turn my music down or my boyfriend might ask me not to cook onions because he can't stand the smell or my mother might ask me not to put strawberries in the dessert because she's scared of them, or my best friend might ask me not to go on a date with her ex-boyfriend, and I comply even though it's within my rights to do these things, because everyday we make little sacrifices here and there for the people we love even if their demands are a little reasonable because there are some things where the feeling of doing what we want is less important than the feeling of knowing they are hurt or unhappy, no matter how silly we think the request is.

There will be other big things in life where doing what you want should trump how they feel because the thing you want to do is important to you and the request from your friend is grossly unrealistic or unreasonable e.g. like if you wanted to put photos of YOUR OWN wedding on Facebook.

Keep them on Facebook if you want but it will upset your friend. You are certainly entitled to but your friend is asking you for a favour. As her friend. She is relying on the existing relationship you two have of friendship to ask. Take them off Facebook and it will make them happy.

Depends in the grand scheme of things which route you would rather take. Upset your friend and leave it on there or make your friend happy and remove them. It doesn't make you less of a nice person for doing the former, but it might make you less of a "friend" in her eyes.

Say for example one day you had a birthday party round your house and your friend took lots of photos of you with your arm round a hunky man. You might say to your friend "ohhh can you not put any photos of tonight on Facebook because I'm scared my boyfriend will see and get the wrong idea - you know how jealous he gets about these things!". Your friend is perfectly within her right to put these on facebook but if she puts your feelings higher than her freedom to exercise placing those particular photos on Facebook so she doesn't post them. She likes you more than her freedom to post what she wants.

[NyaChan]

I think posting over 100 pictures was the problem.  It wasn't your event, so you posting so many pictures was ...  not sure how to put this ... kind of over-the-top.  I can see posting a few (a dozen maybe?  Two dozen maybe?) of your best shots of your friends, but posting over 100?  Too much.  I can see the HC being bothered by that.

That's kind of how I read it too.  If you were posting 100 shots of just you and your friends posing, that would be one thing.  But 100 photos generally of the event is a little odd, almost as if you were self-appointing yourself a closer relationship to it than you actually had.  I would have been surprised by that large an album myself if it were my party (oops sorry Monica, I meant Wedding!).  But you know, I still don't think I would have done what this bride did as far as asking for some to be removed. 

[sweetonsno]

I would be uncomfortable if someone posted that many photos of my wedding on FB before I'd even gotten a chance to see my photographer's pictures as well.  For one thing, I think it's better to ask permission before posting photos of someone else's event.  Also, it's kind of hard for me to explain, but it felt to me like I had some possession over what went on that day, and the record of it.  Maybe I was just being crazy bridal Zilla, but I got annoyed when my SIL and her BF went into the church and took pictures of themselves standing up at the altar - it was like "this is my wedding, not yours"!  I think it's very possible that your friend wanted to have some time (and get her photographer's pictues) to create the record that she wanted of the wedding.

I agree with this... there's a big difference between inviting your closest friends and family to share an important celebration and having them broadcast photos of said celebration to strangers. (Unless you set the album's privacy so only the people who were in or at the wedding could see it, then you are sharing someone's celebration with people who are strangers to them.) A marriage, like the birth of a child, a major birthday, or a graduation, is the type of thing that someone might want to keep intimate and private. Permission to take a picture is not permission to show others. 

I also understand the bride's desire to not have a whole bunch of photos of the event in general up there. A few candids of yourself and your best friends? Sure. But a hundred photos of the wedding seems like a bit much.

[cutejellybeen]

Personally I've always waiting until the bride/groom post wedding photos before I do. I guess I've always seen it as their prerogative to "announce" their photos to the fb world. That said, with my wedding next month, I guess I just need to realize that not everyone feels the same way I do, and that my photos will be up and tagged possibly even before the ceremony is over.

[turnip]

Just to add to this discussion - there was a thread before as to whether it was OK to take photos of people without their permissions ( as some people really _don't_ like to be photographed) and the consensus was that no - if someone doesn't want you taking their photo, you should not.

I think, expanding on that, it is rude to post photos of people to the internet against their wishes - wedding or no, bride or no.  I think I might be willing to take it further too - if she had hosted you at a dinner party in her home, I could see thinking it would be rude to post photos of her home and her party against her wishes. 

So I don't think asking you not to post any wedding photos is all that odd, and I think I would respect her request in your shoes.

[kareng57]

Well, I assume she knew you (and I assume other people) were taking the pictures during the wedding, etc., so what did she think you were going to do with them?

I think if she was going to be bothered in any way by the pictures of other people getting posted, for whatever reason (some good possibilities suggested by previous posters and I am sure there are more possibilities) I think she should have thought about that in advance, and either told people not to take their own pictures, or somehow made it clear before the wedding that she would like any sharing of them to wait at least a week, or whatever.

But either she gave you all explicit permission, or she saw you taking pictures and didn't stop you, so I am really confused by her request.

ETA: I personally can't imagine getting offended if somebody posted lots of pictures if I got married or some other big event happened.  I think I would be flattered.

I don't think that it's necessarily a given that someone who takes a lot of photos at a wedding is immediately going to post them all on FaceBook.  People do take photos as personal mementos only.

I'll admit that I am not a FaceBook person, but I would think that it would be courteous to at least ask the HC if they were okay with posting the photos.  I can indeed see how it could be "overload" by the time the professional photos are posted.

[AngelBarchild]

I would be uncomfortable if someone posted that many photos of my wedding on FB before I'd even gotten a chance to see my photographer's pictures as well.  For one thing, I think it's better to ask permission before posting photos of someone else's event.  Also, it's kind of hard for me to explain, but it felt to me like I had some possession over what went on that day, and the record of it.  Maybe I was just being crazy bridal Zilla, but I got annoyed when my SIL and her BF went into the church and took pictures of themselves standing up at the altar - it was like "this is my wedding, not yours"!  I think it's very possible that your friend wanted to have some time (and get her photographer's pictues) to create the record that she wanted of the wedding.

I believe you are right and you are being a bit of a "crazy bridal Zilla" You can not claim any possession over events that have occurred in the past, or the open record of those events, and I have never seen it stated anywhere that Etiquette dictates that you are entitled to those things.

It has been stated over and over on this forum that you can not control what someone else puts on their facebook page. If you want control over pictures of your wedding then do not allow anyone but your photographer to take pictures of the event. If you allow people to take pictures at your wedding it is generally understood that people who take them are going to show them to other people.

[Faerydust]

I can't say how I would feel if it were my wedding, but I'm a pretty private person and I can see myself not being thrilled if someone posted a bunch of pictures of the wedding from start to finish. I would not say anything to them after the fact, but if they asked how I felt before posting them, I'd probably say that I'd prefer they didn't post many pictures of the ceremony itself, but would be fine with pictures of them at the wedding/reception.

I was just a bridesmaid in my boyfriend's sister's wedding a few weeks ago. I had my boyfriend bring the camera and take pictures during the ceremony and reception. I wanted the pictures for my own enjoyment. His sister is a private person and does not have a facebook. I chose not to post any pictures of the wedding on facebook because it wouldn't feel right to me. I think it's because I know that I probably wouldn't like it, if I were in her place.

I noticed that some of the guests who are mutual friends did post a few pictures on fb of themselves at the reception and their desserts, centerpieces, favors, and such, but no one posted any pictures of the bride and groom or the ceremony itself.