General Etiquette > Family and Children

Help dealing with FSIL UPDATE #28

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Raina:
BG: My brother (older than me by 1 year) and his live-in gf of 8yrs got engaged in January claiming that because I got married last year, now they have to as well.  FSIL made it very clear that she already had her bridesmaids chosen and I wasn't one of them, which I was totally fine with.  She and I have a strained relationship as she has, from the first year she moved in with my brother, chosen to badger me and push my buttons the same way my brother does.  Granted, he is my older brother and we have done this to each other since we were children (he does it to me mostly since he's older and just has always done it) and I can tolerate it from him since he's my brother. But coming from her, it has always rubbed me the wrong way but politeness has always stopped me from retaliating.  I've generally tried to ignore her sniping and beandipped around them, but it makes me angry beyond belief.  It seems maybe she tried to take her social cues from my brother in a totally inappropriate way.

Examples include:
- making snarky remarks about my engagement ring
- rolling her eyes at me, saying I like to show off my ring in the way that I sit so I can display it
- constantly bringing up past ex-bfs
- every single time I visit my parents and have a meal with DB and her, she has to bring up incidents that I have zero recollection of, where she accuses me of trying to sneak food she doesn't like onto her plate, for which I have apologized for (even though I don't remember it)
- refusing to come to family dinners when I'm home visiting because she claims I chose a restaurant she can't eat at (I don't ever choose, my parents do, and she has no dietary restrictions)

/BG


This weekend, she and DB are getting married and 3 weeks ago, she called me in a panic from my brother's phone and said one of her bridesmaids backed out and could I step in and be one now? She went on to say how she needed there to be even numbers of BMs and GM and how wonderful it would be for her 2 sisters and DB's sister to be there, and how she knew I didn't want to be in it from the start but just how fitting it would be and look how wonderfully this all worked out.  For love of my brother, I agreed to it, made a few comments about how nice it will be and thank you so much for thinking of me, etc.  Also sent her an email apologizing for giving her the impression that I didn't want to be in it (even though I really don't, but trying still to play nice).  I've ordered the dress and shoes she wanted, and asked my DH to help out with the sound system since she asked, and both of us have taken tomorrow off work to come into town early so we can attend all the things she wants beforehand.

Rehearsal dinner is tomorrow.  She has also insisted that I get my hair done and makeup done with her and her sisters and her mother on Saturday.  What are some phrases that I can use to respond to her if she starts badgering me again? I've never had to be around her without my brother, much less met her family so I have no idea how to beandip in a situation like this :( Basically the only thing I have in common with her is my brother.  Please help?

Shoo:
Said quietly:  "Gosh, I thought we were making a fresh start here...."  trailing off

Sophia:
"Is this how you treat your bridesmaids?  I thought I was doing you a favor?  If you have a problem with me, why are we even invited to the wedding?  We can skip it if you can't treat me civilly"

Reading your question made me think of how Europe handled Hitler prewar.   I don't think it is going to work out any better. 

I used to know someone who would do the eye-roll thing.  I took the innocent question approach to draw attention to what a twit she was being. 
I asked, "Are you epileptic?" 
Her, "No, Why would think that?" (said with a tone of how stupid I was being)
Me: "I used to be friend's with a girl whose eyes rolled in her head right before a seizure.  The first time I thought she saw an invisible bug on the ceiling.  The only reason I can think of for an adult to roll their eyes would be involuntarily, so I was worried about you."

Kaypeep:

--- Quote from: Shoo on May 24, 2012, 09:48:16 AM ---Said quietly:  "Gosh, I thought we were making a fresh start here...."  trailing off

--- End quote ---

Good one!

If she accuses you of something you didn't do, I'd simply reply "Actually, that's totally untrue and I'm not sure why you even think that."

If she accuses you of doing something that someone else did (like picking a restaurant she can't eat at) then I'd say "Actually, that's untrue.  ______ picked the restaurant and you can ask them if you don't believe me."

If she brings up negative stories about your past:  "I have to wonder why you keep bringing these old stories up.  You did it the last few times we were together.  I'm more interested in the future, actually."
OR
"Yes, we've heard these stories before, so excuse me while I go (get a drink, use the ladies room, get some air) because I don't really care to rehash the past over and over again."

Mostly, though, I'd just get my 'orders' from her and then pre-emptively spend as much time with other people in the group as much as possible.  Ask them a lot of questions about themselves, other weddings or bridal shows on TV, etc.  Basically, just bring a vat of bean dip and make it your goal to be as friendly, polite and accomodating as possible.

Don't look to have any life altering moments or expect her to have a change of heart or attitude.  Don't try to give words of wisdom or warm advice other than "Good luck!  Congratulations!  Have a great day."  Just do as your told, stay out of her way and don't give her any reasons to find fault with you.  It's a shame it's come to this, but that's the only advice I can think of.

TootsNYC:
I like the big sigh.

And then a bright smile and bean dip.

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