Paying compliments is rude?

[dawbs]

What one person absolutely loves, and is a 'make my day' sort of moment, to another is going to make them very uncomfortable. I think it's usually best to err on the side of caution, which doesn't mean never complimenting anyone, ever, but being aware of context, cues and so on. And also, not expecting a response.

POD, to this whole post. I would even go so far as to add that in certain contexts, Reason's approach would only work if he left out the compliment. YMMV, but where I live (central London), it would be just as likely to incite suspicion or annoyance.

This makes me very sad. Why should I have to go without something that makes me incredibly happy and brightens my entire day, just because it makes somebody else uncomfortable? Why does their discomfort trump my joy?

(Of course I'm only talking about genuine compliments here - the sleazy kind is always rude).

One coudl just as well say "why do I have to put up with sleezy uncomfortable stuff because some people like it?"

What feels sweet to one person is sleezy to another.

[TurtleDove]

What feels sweet to one person is sleezy to another.

True, but there is a reasonableness factor also.  Someone who thinks a comment of "What a great smile! You look so happy!" is sleazy is not reasonable, IMHO, for example.  I don't think anyone is advocating for "compliments" along the lines of "nice [derrierre]!"

[Twik]

Attempting to pick up strangers (which is what you're doing) is not acceptable under traditional etiquette. You do not make ANY sort of personal conversation with people to whom you are not introduced.

Just because there are women out there who are not offended by your pickup attempts doesn't mean that what you're doing is not, in general, rude.

Reason, you say,

But I'd like to say that everybody has different tastes and if someone tells you that you are beautiful, there is a very good chance that they mean it.

Yes, that's not the problem. The problem is that you admitted in your opening post that you are not throwing out compliments because you're just offering innocent admiration. You're attempting to establish a "romantic" relationship. Don't be surprised if many women think complete strangers attempting this (even couched behind charming flattery) are being rude.

And I think you misunderstood Venus193. It is insulting to a women's intelligence to have to deal with a man who is obviously has no real interest in your smile, but thinks complimenting it will automatically result in him soon becoming familiar with other parts of her anatomy. In many ways, that is more insulting than being told you're physically unattractive.

[Harriet]

What feels sweet to one person is sleezy to another.

True, but there is a reasonableness factor also.  Someone who thinks a comment of "What a great smile! You look so happy!" is sleazy is not reasonable, IMHO, for example.  I don't think anyone is advocating for "compliments" along the lines of "nice [derrierre]!"

But people have different measures of "reasonable"! While I can certainly think of scenarios where "What a great smile, you look so happy" would not feel sleazy to me, I can think of plenty where it would. I've had the UPS guy say things like that to me and I really dislike it.

[Reason]

You do not make ANY sort of personal conversation with people to whom you are not introduced.

I am sorry, but what is your source for this? Meeting new people and making new friends has always been a valuable skill to me. I have no issues talking to a stranger what-so-ever, and there have been a number of posters even on this board who would apparently not mind my approach. I understand that walking up to stranger and telling them deep personal secrets right off the bat or commenting on how pleasing I think their [derrière] is to the eye is borderline insane, but I am talking about superficial conversation such as the state of the weather that's only initiated after some visual que that it's not unwelcome. That's rude too?

Maybe I am reading this wrong but is it your suggestion that If I'd like to get to know a woman better and possibly date her, that instead of just asking her directly (couched with charming flattery) I somehow find out someone who can introduce me to her? I am pretty sure the world has not worked like that for a very long time.

Incidentally, when I pay a sincere compliment to a woman, even if I am interested in dating her, it's not because I am trying to get familiar with other parts of her anatomy. If I say that a girl has a nice smile, it's because I think she has a nice smile. If it brightens her day a little, all the better.

[TurtleDove]

I am pretty sure the world has not worked like that for a very long time.

POD to Reason, especially the quoted. 

[WillyNilly]

I think actually etiquette aside, if a person is trying to meet another person to develop a relationship of any sort (romantic, friendly, whatever) once one gets over the rules of the forum you are in (no talking during theater, don't hit on your boss/employees, etc) if its your natural impulse to compliment - do so.  Because while a good first impression is important, more important - most important IMO - when developing a new relationship is to present your honest self.  And if your honest self is the kind of person who compliments others, then its important to let that be known to the person you are speaking with.

I think the rudeness part would come from not taking a refusal to receive compliments.  So Reason, as its your nature to do so, go ahead and compliment people/women/children/the elderly as it fits within your natural personality.  But if the person you are complimenting does not take it graciously and warmly (a smile, a sincere thank you, etc) but rather coldly (a rebuff, a "humpf!", looking away, etc) don't compliment then again and realize you have different personality styles.

Likewise to anyone else - if someone compliments you and you don't care for it, make it known you don't care for it.  But somewhere inside you be happy they did compliment you if for no other reason then to know "whoo-hoo this person presented their honest self to me and I now know I don't care for their personal style and I don't need to waste my time on them now."

[Garden Goblin]

The answer to your question is 'it depends'.

I've had a guy walk up to me, compliment my hair, and had it brighten my day.  I've also had a guy walk up to me, compliment my hair, and had it give me a creepy feeling that made me want to carry my pepper spray and keep my back to a wall all day.  Delivery, time and place, body language, paying attention to the verbal and non-verbal cues being given off by the person you are addressing, and your own general appearance (note - not referring to 'looks' but, well, to put it bluntly, a comment from somebody smelling like booze and dressed like a hobo comes off differently than someone decently groomed and appropriately attired) all play factors.

As long as you are observing the boundaries set up by the person you are addressing (the fact that you don't even go over unless eye contact is made and some interest is expressed is a major point in your favor) you are probably fine.

[Tilt Fairy]

Do you think men can tell if they're a creep or a gentleman? Therein lies the problem I think. Creepy men just think they're being fine and dashing and clever when they are actually being sleazy. No woman likes a creep but no woman's gonna mind if Antonio Banderas tells her she has a nice smile.

[Garden Goblin]

---Do you think men can tell if they're a creep or a gentleman?---

Actually, most of the time, yeah, I think they can, if they take a moment to think about it - if they are making it all about them, view the woman as a 'target' and act like she is completely unreasonable for not wanting to participate in conversation with him - creep.  Disregarding social cues and personal boundaries = creep.  Most of them acknowledge when they do this, and while many will even admit that it is creepy when someone else does (or when it is done to them!) it, they deny it's the same when they do it.

Also, when they don't accept advice from women on how to approach women, odds of them being a creep tend to rise substantially.

I once suggested a friend of mine who didn't understand this issue shadow an attractive mutual friend of ours while she went clubbing (with her agreement).  He had to be talked out of violence several times.

---no woman's gonna mind if Antonio Banderas tells her she has a nice smile.---

One of the men that creeped me out was in fact, very handsome and bore a distinct resemblance to Antonio Banderas.  He also started the conversation by stepping into my personal space and moving forward every time I stepped backwards and kept trying that thing where he touches your hand or hair when he speaks to 'focus your attention on him' or however it is the PUA folks put it.  Very creepy, and another girl ended up siccing the bouncer on him after he moved on to her.

Being good looking doesn't automatically give you a free pass on acting creepy. 

[WillyNilly]

Do you think men can tell if they're a creep or a gentleman? Therein lies the problem I think. Creepy men just think they're being fine and dashing and clever when they are actually being sleazy. No woman likes a creep but no woman's gonna mind if Antonio Banderas tells her she has a nice smile.

Hahahaha, actually I think Antonio Banderas comes across as quite creepy in many of his roles and I actually find it distracting "ewwww, how is he even the lead?  He's so slimy!"

But meanwhile I've had many a drunk and/or homeless person compliment me in ways that felt genuine and not creepy and not like pick-up lines but as simple one-off comments meant at face value.

Which of course all speaks to the overall point that what one person finds endearing another finds off-putting and that creepy-seeming guys probably don't even know they are being creepy.

[Tilt Fairy]

Do you think men can tell if they're a creep or a gentleman? Therein lies the problem I think. Creepy men just think they're being fine and dashing and clever when they are actually being sleazy. No woman likes a creep but no woman's gonna mind if Antonio Banderas tells her she has a nice smile.

Hahahaha, actually I think Antonio Banderas comes across as quite creepy in many of his roles and I actually find it distracting "ewwww, how is he even the lead?  He's so slimy!"

But meanwhile I've had many a drunk and/or homeless person compliment me in ways that felt genuine and not creepy and not like pick-up lines but as simple one-off comments meant at face value.

Which of course all speaks to the overall point that what one person finds endearing another finds off-putting and that creepy-seeming guys probably don't even know they are being creepy.

Yeah that's it really. If creepy creeps just had more self-awareness, then this thread wouldn't even exist. I blame their mothers for not stamping it out at an early age.

........ and it just goes to show that one womans antonio is another womans elephant man. You never can tell.

[Tilt Fairy]

maybe I should have said Mr Darcey instead. Anyone got a gripe with Mr Darcey? lol.

[Venus193]

The problem is that most creepy men know that they are creepy and get off on the reactions of their targets.

[nyarlathotep]

One coudl just as well say "why do I have to put up with sleezy uncomfortable stuff because some people like it?"

What feels sweet to one person is sleezy to another.

POD! Thank you, you said it better than I could.

The problem is that you admitted in your opening post that you are not throwing out compliments because you're just offering innocent admiration. You're attempting to establish a "romantic" relationship. Don't be surprised if many women think complete strangers attempting this (even couched behind charming flattery) are being rude.

And I think you misunderstood Venus193. It is insulting to a women's intelligence to have to deal with a man who is obviously has no real interest in your smile, but thinks complimenting it will automatically result in him soon becoming familiar with other parts of her anatomy. In many ways, that is more insulting than being told you're physically unattractive.

This hit the nail on the head for me. Throwing out a compliment to try and get a woman's number can be a fairly transparent and irritating tactic, which is why, I think, it wouldn't go down well here (YMMV). Why not try to get to know me before you ask me on a date? What, do you think you might have a lot in common with my smile, or my hair, or something?