Support group/books for difficult aging parents? NOT ALZHEIMERS

[Kaypeep]

Does anyone know of any online support groups and/or books on how to deal with aging parents who are not suffering from alzheimers?

My situation is that my mom is 68 and suffered a stroke 2 years ago.  She was forced to go into semi-retirement so she's working 2 days a week, which is probably the only time she leaves the house.  She was/is a hoarder, and while she was in the hospital and rehab we had to do a major clean-out to make her home habitable and safe for her to go home.  Since she returned, things have not been the same.  She's hoarding again, but mostly I'm concerned about other stuff like the fact that she has not done her taxes and ignores mail including medical bills. She's entitled to tax returns and never owes, but it's been 3 or 4 years and every time I bring up helping her she shuts me out.  She has already cut off my brother for 2 years and counting because he tried to push her to get help after her stroke when we discovered how bad things were while cleaning up the hoard.  I'm torn because I want to help her but I don't want to be cut out, too.  Mom is well enough to convince doctors that she's fine and she doesn't think she has any problems, even though all she does is watch TV and sleep on the couch day and night.  She is in worse shape now than after the stroke due to just atrophy because she gets virtually no exercise and doesn't take care of herself.  She still has resilience enough to put on a show for doctors though, who think she's doing 'okay' but they can't force her to take better care of herself either when she ignores their advice.

Most of the resources I've found for dealing with aging parents seem to relate to alzheimers.  Are there any books out there that just give advice on how to deal with stubborn old parents who don't want to admit they are overwhelmed and refuse to ask for or accept any help?  I'm at the point where I lie awake at night with my mind racing worrying about my mother and what kind of trouble she's getting into by keeping everything a secret from me. Taxes, bills, her health, etc.

I flip flop between just letting her be and try to keep my distance unless she asks for help, and I'll just deal with the fallout when she's gone (though I dread that because she's not dying so who knows how long that will be.)  I worry about the liability I'll have when she's gone for all the responsiblities she's ignoring.  I wonder if there's any hope of turning things around even a little on some of these things.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far, and thanks for any advice and resources you may have.

[sparksals]

Is it possible she suffers from depression?  There could be medical reasons and not because she is stubborn.  You should ensure there is not another medical problem first. 

[Kaypeep]

She most definitely suffers depression.  We had her hospitalized for a week after she got back home, because once she was home and her life did a 180 she was talking about killing herself.  We took her to a mental  hospital and she was there a week, then doing outpatient therapy but she stopped because she doesn't think she needs it.      She won't take anti depression meds anymore, but takes clonzapam (sp?) for anxiety (when she goes out in public to social events) which makes her noticably loopy.

I've spoken with her doctors but there's only so much I can do when she ignores them or lies to them about her life.  Any attempt by me to reach through to her is met with hostility and silence.

I think my best bet might be a support group or therapy for myself at this point because I think mom is hopeless case.

[Oh Joy]

I'll check my bookshelves at the office on Tuesday.  There are a lot of good resources for informal caregivers of elderly relatives.

Have you checked Meetup.com for groups?

Best wishes.

[sparksals]

Kay... Do you have a POA for your mother? 

Aging parents are a tough thing.  Many don't want to admit they need help,they lie to doctors, they cannot admit they are in a different stage of life.   A friend of mine works at a nursing home and deals with this on  daily basis.  She is on holidays right now and will be back in the next week.  She is in Canada, but may know books or other online forms of support.

[Kaypeep]

Thanks, Oh Joy. I really appreciate that.

Sparksal, yes, I believe we do have a POA but it's in my sister's name, not mine.  We have all the important legal paperwork (wills, health proxy, POA) from when mom had surgery last January.  My sister lives with mom, but my sister is another story all together and another stress point for me.  (Sis is older, never left home and never will. She works but lives check to check.  Not a slacker but more of a low self esteem/under achiever type.  She stays at work late to avoid going home to the hoard.  Will not change her situation though and move out on her own either.  We are not very close.  We get along but are apples and oranges.  She won't accept advice from me, she's very stubborn and self-involved.)  I know that when time comes sis will work with me on decisions pertaining to POA, but for now I don't think there's much we can do because mom is the alpha and my sister is a zeta.

[Bijou]

Is it possible she suffers from depression?  There could be medical reasons and not because she is stubborn.  You should ensure there is not another medical problem first.

I wonder about this. as well.  There has been a change in her behavior, even if it is just an escalation of what was going on before.  I think I would encourage her to have a full evaluation.

[Oh Joy]

Here's a stack of books to try, depending on what kind of support you're looking for:

** One of my favorites is How to Say It (R) to Seniors: Closing the Communcation Gap with Our Elders.  It gives us a reset of where they are coming from, and helps you approach issues from a different angle.  I've found it to be very helpful dealing with older family members and clients, and applies to those living across the specturm of independence through dependence.  I'd suggest it as a 'perfect' first read for your situation.

* A good guide for the journey you personally may be going through in upcoming years is The Emotional Survival Guide for Caregivers: Looking After Yourself and your Family While Helping an Aging Parent.  It's tied together with a fictional story of a family from the early days of caregiving through the end.

* A dictionary/checklist book if you feel you'll be 'in charge' of your mom is The Complete Eldercare Planner: Where to Start, Which Questions to Ask, and How to Find Help.  It may help you focus on helping with just an angle or two, such as dealing with transportation issues or gathering documentation.

* It's still on my Amazon list, but When Someone You Love Needs Nursing Home, Assisted Living, or In-Home Care came highly recommended to me.  Your mom's pretty independent now, but one fall or stroke commonly leaves families suddenly in a 'now what?' position.  It might be good preparatory reading.

- And one to not bother with: Elder Rage -or- Take My Father...Please!: How to Survive Caring for Aging Parents.  It's billed as a humorous and compassionate true story written by the adult daughter of a difficult man.  Thought it would be a fun read, but frankly found little entertainment or knowledge in it...quite the contrary.

I hope this helps. 

Thanks for all you do - PM me any time.

[heartmug]

I am part of agingcare.com and they have a great forum there.  Your mom sounds a lot like my mom.

[Kaypeep]

Thank you, Oh Joy and heartmug for these resources!  I think this is just what I'm looking for.  Many many thanks!!!