Author Topic: Stumper jokes  (Read 15099 times)

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White Dragon

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Re: Stumper jokes
« Reply #30 on: May 31, 2012, 02:53:26 PM »
Dark Magdelena wrote:

"I don't even come close to getting that"

I'm stunned that you don't get ancient Japanese puns.  For shame!

OK, the whole story is that this is from a famous Zen koan (a koan is the Buddhist equivalent of a parable, more or less).  In the koan, a student asks a famous Zen master that question, and he answers, "No."  The word for "no" in ancient Japanese (in which the story was originally told) is "Mu."

Virg

I had half a chance of figuring out the geeky science stumpers, but I absolutely draw the line at multilingual jokes in dead languages.  ;D

{sadly hands in geek cred card....}

Slartibartfast

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Re: Stumper jokes
« Reply #31 on: May 31, 2012, 03:03:36 PM »
Q: What is the simplest way to observe the optical Doppler effect?

A: Go out at and look at cars. The lights of the ones approaching you are white, while the lights of the ones moving away from you are red.

(not really a joke, but still makes me giggle!)

baglady

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Re: Stumper jokes
« Reply #32 on: May 31, 2012, 08:47:26 PM »
Actually the ones with adverbs are Tom Swifties ("We don't pray before meals in this house," she said gracelessly); the ones with verbs are "croakers," named after the prototypical "I'm dying," he croaked. These are some of mine:

Swifties:
"I finished my apprenticeship," he said extraneously.
"Trump runs this place like some kind of Russian monarch," he said sardonically.
"That's one of those women from the teahouse," he said sagaciously.
"Your girlfriend, Teresa, is on the line," she said esoterically.
"His Honor is insane," he said judgmentally.
"I made those changes you wanted to the plans, sir," he said respectfully.
"The register is clogged with dog hair!" she said fervently.
"The appetizer choices are minestrone and tuna salad," he said superficially.
"I'll have the minestrone; I've given up seafood," she said officiously.
"My addiction to eBay will be the death of me," she said morbidly.
"Kenneth was like a brother to me," he said brokenly.
"My pen pal is in a French women's prison," he said laconically.
"I ate too much of that kangaroo steak," he said ruefully.
"I need a loaner while my wedding band is being repaired," she said despairingly.
"I charge by the stanza," he said perversely.
"This is my second trip to the bog," she said repeatedly.
"I gave him another loan, but it was smaller than the first one," he said relentlessly.
"We'll have our evening meal after the boat docks," she said supportively.
"My shift was canceled," she said unstintingly.
"I sentence the prisoner to death in the electric chair," he said concurrently.
"They got the patient's heart started again," he said repulsively.
"He may be a drunkard, but he's smart," she said quixotically.
"They hauled that former Kelly Girl before the judge," he said extemporaneously.
"Timothy can't control his impulses," she said timidly.
"I am NOT drunk; jusht watch me leave that Chryshler in the dusht," he said passionately.
"Edward, why don't you stop by and let me take your picture?" she said composedly.
"I've become a Rastafarian; what do you think of my hairdo?" he said dreadfully.
"You're asking for trouble if you camp in that ragged old thing," she said portentously.
"I'd have made the high honor roll except for that B in my 11th-period class," she said tenaciously.
"What is your wish, Master?" he said genially.
"Can't another masseuse work on that Steinem woman today?" she said miserably.
"I hoped you behaved yourself on 'Romper Room,' " she said dubiously.
(N.B.: To get this one, you need to know Boston):
"Everybody in the North End thinks that Garson woman was a lousy actress," he said disagreeably.

Croakers
"It's a breath mint!" he asserted.
"This conifer specimen should be planted between trees N and P," he opined.
"Alabama, Alaska, California ..." he stated.
"I'd like to order an extra-supportive mattress," he affirmed.
"Can we make another search?" she requested.
"I'm filing for worker's compensation," he claimed.
"It's not quite good enough to receive an N," he orated.
" ... get it!" she commanded.
"I wasn't this attractive before the surgery," she explained.
"I did so make another cake!" she retorted.
"You have to understand the significance of the crow's call," he commented.
"I've given up my religion," he decreed.
"Ms. Bloom, Ms. Danes, you're both fired!" he declared.
"Let me tell you how I lost weight," she expounded.
"That lawn was planted with prison labor," he conceded.
"The prisoner holds the key to solving the mystery," he concluded.
"So what you're saying is, you want to wear your mink coat," he inferred.
"Someone wrecked my beautiful new Swedish car!" she sobbed.
"Hey, y'all, I'm down here! In this valley!" he hollered.
"The stool sample j-just slipped off the counter," she faltered.
"I love 'All Quiet on the Western Front,' " he remarked.
"Someday President Roosevelt will return from the dead," he theorized.
"The unknown in this equation is how many apples he swallowed whole," he excoriated.
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Lynn2000

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Re: Stumper jokes
« Reply #33 on: May 31, 2012, 10:34:36 PM »
baglady, those are awesome!  ;D I can't wait to show my dad...
~Lynn2000

hyzenthlay

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Re: Stumper jokes
« Reply #34 on: May 31, 2012, 10:40:28 PM »
Here's a couple for the accounting field.

Why did the Auditor cross the road?

Because the Auditor did it last year!

. . .

Why did the Auditor wear polyester?

Because it's not material!

Mental Magpie

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Re: Stumper jokes
« Reply #35 on: June 01, 2012, 12:19:50 AM »
Dark Magdelena wrote:

"I don't even come close to getting that"

I'm stunned that you don't get ancient Japanese puns.  For shame!

OK, the whole story is that this is from a famous Zen koan (a koan is the Buddhist equivalent of a parable, more or less).  In the koan, a student asks a famous Zen master that question, and he answers, "No."  The word for "no" in ancient Japanese (in which the story was originally told) is "Mu."

Virg

Very esoteric!  Dark Boyfriend appreciated it, though, and the small history lesson within.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

Bijou

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Re: Stumper jokes
« Reply #36 on: June 01, 2012, 02:53:01 AM »
Understanding most of these jokes is as taxing as trying to read through the IRS regulations. 
I've never knitted anything I could recognize when it was finished.  Actually, I've never finished anything, much to my family's relief.

Elfmama

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Re: Stumper jokes
« Reply #37 on: June 01, 2012, 09:24:42 AM »
"The garden needs additional flowers," Tom said morosely.
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White Dragon

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Re: Stumper jokes
« Reply #38 on: June 01, 2012, 04:53:12 PM »
"This water feature is too shallow," he said despondently.

"Someone collided with my car!" she said prudently.

"Auggie's car squeaks too much," he said lugubriously.

Diane AKA Traska

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Re: Stumper jokes
« Reply #39 on: June 01, 2012, 04:58:20 PM »
"She's pretty, but there are much hotter women" he said objectively.
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White Dragon

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Re: Stumper jokes
« Reply #40 on: June 01, 2012, 05:30:07 PM »
"She's pretty, but there are much hotter women" he said objectively.

Here we go again.
Locked in a battle of wits and me unarmed.

wendelenn

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Re: Stumper jokes
« Reply #41 on: June 01, 2012, 06:30:34 PM »
Actually the ones with adverbs are Tom Swifties ("We don't pray before meals in this house," she said gracelessly); the ones with verbs are "croakers," named after the prototypical "I'm dying," he croaked. These are some of mine:

Swifties:
"I finished my apprenticeship," he said extraneously.
"Trump runs this place like some kind of Russian monarch," he said sardonically.
"That's one of those women from the teahouse," he said sagaciously.
"Your girlfriend, Teresa, is on the line," she said esoterically.
"His Honor is insane," he said judgmentally.
"I made those changes you wanted to the plans, sir," he said respectfully.
"The register is clogged with dog hair!" she said fervently.
"The appetizer choices are minestrone and tuna salad," he said superficially.
"I'll have the minestrone; I've given up seafood," she said officiously.
"My addiction to eBay will be the death of me," she said morbidly.
"Kenneth was like a brother to me," he said brokenly.
"My pen pal is in a French women's prison," he said laconically.
"I ate too much of that kangaroo steak," he said ruefully.
"I need a loaner while my wedding band is being repaired," she said despairingly.
"I charge by the stanza," he said perversely.
"This is my second trip to the bog," she said repeatedly.
"I gave him another loan, but it was smaller than the first one," he said relentlessly.
"We'll have our evening meal after the boat docks," she said supportively.
"My shift was canceled," she said unstintingly.
"I sentence the prisoner to death in the electric chair," he said concurrently.
"They got the patient's heart started again," he said repulsively.
"He may be a drunkard, but he's smart," she said quixotically.
"They hauled that former Kelly Girl before the judge," he said extemporaneously.
"Timothy can't control his impulses," she said timidly.
"I am NOT drunk; jusht watch me leave that Chryshler in the dusht," he said passionately.
"Edward, why don't you stop by and let me take your picture?" she said composedly.
"I've become a Rastafarian; what do you think of my hairdo?" he said dreadfully.
"You're asking for trouble if you camp in that ragged old thing," she said portentously.
"I'd have made the high honor roll except for that B in my 11th-period class," she said tenaciously.
"What is your wish, Master?" he said genially.
"Can't another masseuse work on that Steinem woman today?" she said miserably.
"I hoped you behaved yourself on 'Romper Room,' " she said dubiously.
(N.B.: To get this one, you need to know Boston):
"Everybody in the North End thinks that Garson woman was a lousy actress," he said disagreeably.

Croakers
"It's a breath mint!" he asserted.
"This conifer specimen should be planted between trees N and P," he opined.
"Alabama, Alaska, California ..." he stated.
"I'd like to order an extra-supportive mattress," he affirmed.
"Can we make another search?" she requested.
"I'm filing for worker's compensation," he claimed.
"It's not quite good enough to receive an N," he orated.
" ... get it!" she commanded.
"I wasn't this attractive before the surgery," she explained.
"I did so make another cake!" she retorted.
"You have to understand the significance of the crow's call," he commented.
"I've given up my religion," he decreed.
"Ms. Bloom, Ms. Danes, you're both fired!" he declared.
"Let me tell you how I lost weight," she expounded.
"That lawn was planted with prison labor," he conceded.
"The prisoner holds the key to solving the mystery," he concluded.
"So what you're saying is, you want to wear your mink coat," he inferred.
"Someone wrecked my beautiful new Swedish car!" she sobbed.
"Hey, y'all, I'm down here! In this valley!" he hollered.
"The stool sample j-just slipped off the counter," she faltered.
"I love 'All Quiet on the Western Front,' " he remarked.
"Someday President Roosevelt will return from the dead," he theorized.
"The unknown in this equation is how many apples he swallowed whole," he excoriated.

I got about half of these, LOL.  Romper Room--dubiously and grades--tenaciously had me grinning!
"I don't mean to be rude", he began, in a tone that threatened rudeness in every syllable.

"--yet sadly, accidental rudeness occurs alarmingly often," Dumbledore finished the sentence gravely.  "Best to say nothing at all."

Diane AKA Traska

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Re: Stumper jokes
« Reply #42 on: June 01, 2012, 06:43:38 PM »
"I really like cartoons!" he said animatedly.
"I would love to finish putting together my monster, but I seem to be missing a part," he said absentmindedly.
"My girlfriend's trying out for the pep squad," he said cheerily.
"I have a package to deliver to Mr Michaels, c/o Saturday Night Live," he said forlornly.
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JonGirl

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Re: Stumper jokes
« Reply #43 on: June 02, 2012, 12:42:54 AM »
"I really like cartoons!" he said animatedly.
"I would love to finish putting together my monster, but I seem to be missing a part," he said absentmindedly.
"My girlfriend's trying out for the pep squad," he said cheerily.
"I have a package to deliver to Mr Michaels, c/o Saturday Night Live," he said forlornly.


 ;D
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Mental Magpie

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Re: Stumper jokes
« Reply #44 on: June 02, 2012, 02:46:42 AM »
"She's pretty, but there are much hotter women" he said objectively.

Here we go again.
Locked in a battle of wits and me unarmed.

He is making women objects...does that help?
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.