How to point out to my dad that what he does is rude?

[CakeEater]

IMO people who don't lock doors are inviting trouble. I have never encountered people who just walk in unexpectedly because I have never known people who don't lock their doors.

I mean sure during a house party one might leave the door unlocked - and doing so *is* specifically indicating "let yourself in" - and otherwise you lock it. Simple solution. Communication complete. If hosts are inviting people over and not locking their door, they are in fact indicating its ok to walk right in.

I agree 100%.

Not meaning to offend anyone, but for the life of me I cannot understand why anyone, in this day and age, doesn’t lock their door (even the screen door).  It’s beyond rude (on the part of the visitor) – it is DANGEROUS and irresponsible (on the part of the resident).  Size of town doesn't matter - people in small towns are not immune to crime.  Most happen during the day, btw.

Lock the door.  Problem solved.

I haven't read the case to which you linked, but I kind-of resent being called irresponsible for not locking myself into my house at all times. I don't think I'm immune to crime - it's certainly something I've thought about, and worried about. But can I not go outside and play with my children? How is that different to leaving the house unlocked? Can I not go out and hang washing, or work in the garden, or bring in a couple of loads of groceries?

[MariaE]

I asked this in the other thread as well, but can we please not get into whether or not leaving the door is unlocked is irresponsible? Milages vary so very much, and only a person actually living in a specific neighbourhood can pass judgment on that.

[greencat]

Hmm...I still enter my parents' home (my childhood home) without knocking - but they always know I'm coming and approximately what time I'm getting there and my mother prefers to pretend that I never moved out.

An alternative or addition to the chain idea - they sell cheap "alarm systems" that consist of two units which you stick on the door and the frame.  When they separate, the alarm goes off.  Perhaps having his entry suddenly become VERY obnoxious will provide the sort of embarrassment that teaches us proper social behavior without him needing to interrupt you in a delicate situation to get the point?

[TootsNYC]

To my mind you described two different situations.  One, in the middle of a large party.  Two, Not_party.  I don't see him as being rude in the large party situation, but definitely rude if there isn't

I agree with this. Typically when people I know throw get togethers, people just come in - they often don't even knock. And if they do, whoever is closest to the door opens it. (I've been greeted my best friend's door by complete strangers countless times.)

But the idea of someone knocking and just barging in when there is *not* an event/get together going on is pretty appalling.

I agree.

Part of it is the "I know you're coming."

But I have every sympathy with wanting him to knock, and WAIT, even if you know he's on his way over to loan you a power tool.

So, jus topen up your mouth.

One important thing to note:
Do not tell your dad that what he does is rude (the title of your post).

Tell him what you would prefer he would do.
You don't even actually have to tell him why.

And if he argues, then maybe what you do is, you use the "cut-and-paste" routine, and you simply say, "Please ring the bell and wait for me to answer the door, Dad." "Please ring the bell and wait for me to answer the door, Dad."

Even if he says, "don't you trust me?" or "I'm your father!" You just say, "please rng the bell and wait for me to answer the door, Dad."

The underlying message is, "I won't budge, I won't debate this, I won't change my mind."


And you can too take away your Dad's keys. You just have to take away his "legitimate" right or need to be there during the day. It might mean you have to stop relying on him as a handyman or whatever, but that's probably part of the issue, actually.

If you rely on him to fix stuff/install stuff/supervise the plumber, then you ARE telling him that it's partly his home too.

Maybe you need to change that first, actually.

[NyaChan]

OP, I was wondering, earlier you said you read Anthony's dad the riot act for doing the same thing and it worked - why not do the same for your father?

[portabella]

and, i'm sorry, but i cheered at the verdicts.

still in va - nothing to be sorry about.  Defendants still got off a lot easier than their victims.

I haven't read the case to which you linked, but I kind-of resent being called irresponsible for not locking myself into my house at all times. I don't think I'm immune to crime - it's certainly something I've thought about, and worried about. But can I not go outside and play with my children? How is that different to leaving the house unlocked? Can I not go out and hang washing, or work in the garden, or bring in a couple of loads of groceries?

CakeEater -  I'm confused.  What does you going out to play with your children or to hang washing or to bring in groceries have to do with the issue?  I didn't say that people should never go outside their homes, and neither did anyone else who recommended that OP lock the door.

The point is that leaving doors unlocked while you are inside your home leads to problems - sometimes very serious problems like burglary, rape, and murder.  In the case referenced (which is only one example of a horrible home invasion) the criminals got in via a broken basement door lock.  I'm not blaming the (one surviving) victim of that particular ghastly crime.  Criminals can and will get in even if everything is locked, but I don't think residents should make it easy for unwanted visitors to enter their homes.

Again - a person can go outside their home and do whatever they want.  The problem is not the resident going OUT.  The problem is when others who don't live there come IN.

[Surianne]

Again - a person can go outside their home and do whatever they want.  The problem is not the resident going OUT.  The problem is when others who don't live there come IN.

And people can choose not to lock their doors if they want.  Castigating others posters for their personal choices is just going to get the thread locked. 

For the OP, I agree with talking to your dad -- this is the family culture to him, and how he raised you, so he probably has no idea you're not okay with him letting himself in.  Among many of my family members and friends I look at letting myself in as saving them the trouble of opening the door, because that's how they see it too. 

If you've talk to him and he refuses to respect your preference, then I agree with locking the door/using a chain. 

[CakeEater]

and, i'm sorry, but i cheered at the verdicts.

still in va - nothing to be sorry about.  Defendants still got off a lot easier than their victims.

I haven't read the case to which you linked, but I kind-of resent being called irresponsible for not locking myself into my house at all times. I don't think I'm immune to crime - it's certainly something I've thought about, and worried about. But can I not go outside and play with my children? How is that different to leaving the house unlocked? Can I not go out and hang washing, or work in the garden, or bring in a couple of loads of groceries?

CakeEater -  I'm confused.  What does you going out to play with your children or to hang washing or to bring in groceries have to do with the issue?  I didn't say that people should never go outside their homes, and neither did anyone else who recommended that OP lock the door.

The point is that leaving doors unlocked while you are inside your home leads to problems - sometimes very serious problems like burglary, rape, and murder.  In the case referenced (which is only one example of a horrible home invasion) the criminals got in via a broken basement door lock.  I'm not blaming the (one surviving) victim of that particular ghastly crime.  Criminals can and will get in even if everything is locked, but I don't think residents should make it easy for unwanted visitors to enter their homes.

Again - a person can go outside their home and do whatever they want.  The problem is not the resident going OUT.  The problem is when others who don't live there come IN.

Can't someone attack me when I'm standing in my front yard? I'm wondering why it's worse to be standing a few feet away inside my unlocked house?

[GreenEyedHawk]

OP, I was wondering, earlier you said you read Anthony's dad the riot act for doing the same thing and it worked - why not do the same for your father?

NyaChan, I never really thought about it but you make a good point.  It was easier with Anthony's dad I think because for various reasons he's just not welcome here at all (as per both my and Anthony's wishes...I wouldn't stop him if he wanted to see his dad, but he doesn't.)  My dad IS welcome here; I'd just appreciate it if he waited a minute for me to open the door.

It's not really the family culture; he's the only one who does it.  Maybe that's how he was raised, I'm not sure, but I never followed that example; I followed my mother's, which was always to wait til the door was answered. 

I guess really the only way is to kindly ask him to wait til I answer the door instead of just coming in...I thought about it and I may say something like, "Please wait for me to come open the door because I wouldn't want you to let one of the dogs/cats out on accident." or something like that.  I don't want him to feel badly or anything.  My pets are trained not to dash for the door, but he doesn't need to know that.

Also, someone mentioned I might have to stop relying on him to do stuff around my house...the thing is, I don't.  He takes it upon himself.  He's semi-retired and I think he still really wants to feel useful, and he is genuinely doing me favours in some of the stuff he does.  It saves me quite a bit of money.

[Chickadee]

GEH, please pardon any presumptuousness on my part, but I think your dad really loves you and is proud of you for buying your own home at a time when many people your age are moving back in with Mom and Dad! He wants to help you as much as he can.

I am reminded of my own Dad who was always repairing or refurbishing something in my home, simply because he loved me and his grandchildren. He didn’t knock either, until the night he saw more of my then-husband than he ever wanted to see. 

I like Slartibartfast’s suggestion in post 3. It’s a good way to let your Dad know that you appreciate everything he does, but also makes the point that as an adult you really need your privacy.

[Lynn2000]

I think saying something to Dad is the best idea--in my family, humorously pointing out what my dad might see that he DOES NOT WANT TO SEE if he just barges in would get the point across best, but in other families it might be something different--like the pets thing the OP mentioned.

But, you might still want to get some kind of physical mechanism to stop the door from opening, in case he forgets. Or if he rings the doorbell, waits but doesn't wait long enough, and then lets himself in anyway. If you don't want to install something permanent on the door, you could put something heavy on the floor inside the house, like a brick doorstop, or a wooden wedge doorstop that would also prevent the door from opening (if it opens inward). Even if ultimately he could push past those, it would slow him down (giving you time to get to the door) and remind him that he was supposed to wait.

[portabella]

CakeEater

Can't someone attack me when I'm standing in my front yard?

I suppose they can.  I don't hear of many front yard invasions, though.

I'm wondering why it's worse to be standing a few feet away inside my unlocked house?

Who said that it was?  I guess deeds done in the front yard would be more visible. Feet, yards, inches - all those variables would have to come into play.

Look, if you don't care to lock your door, then don't.

[artk2002]

Not meaning to offend anyone, but for the life of me I cannot understand why anyone, in this day and age, doesn’t lock their door (even the screen door).  It’s beyond rude (on the part of the visitor) – it is DANGEROUS and irresponsible (on the part of the resident).  Size of town doesn't matter - people in small towns are not immune to crime.  Most happen during the day, btw.

You may not have meant to, but you certainly managed it. You are free to let a fear of extremely rare events rule your life, but calling the rest of us "irresponsible" is uncalled-for. We've looked at the risks (minimal, despite the horrific cases that occasionally happen) and decided that those risks are too small to give up some of our freedom. I decline to engage in what Lenore Skenazy describes as 'worst first thinking'.

I'm certain, BTW, that you engage in things that have a much greater risk of a horrific outcome, on a daily basis, than someone leaving their door unlocked during the day. Think about the relative odds the next time you get behind the wheel of a car.

(Here's a hint for posting on EHell: If you find your self writing 'not meaning to offend' or something similar, it's probably a bad idea to hit "Post." The odds of offending are pretty good. It's just like "I don't mean to be rude...")

[portabella]

but calling the rest of us "irresponsible"

Not the rest of you - only those who don't lock their doors.  And, somehow, the other (first) member who said unlocked doors invite trouble gets off unscathed.
 

I'm certain, BTW, that you engage in things that have a much greater risk of a horrific outcome, on a daily basis, than someone leaving their door unlocked during the day. Think about the relative odds the next time you get behind the wheel of a car.

You seem to think we know each other.  You're certain about what I engage in?  Really?  Then you should know that I haven't gotten behind the wheel of a car in several years, and you should know why.

I have a hint you YOU:   please try to stay on topic and try not to disrupt a thread with irrelevant assumptions and personal attacks.  It's not fair to the OP.  Thanks.

[cass2591]

Portabella, dial it back, waaaaay back. There is no excuse to be rude to someone like that. And instructing others how to post, esp as a newbie, won't fly.