When no one RSVP-s. Update p. 7

[ShadesOfGrey]

If you're going to call, instead of asking for an RSVP (again), I'd say something like (if leaving a message): Hi, I was just calling to follow up on Kiddo's party this weekend. I hadnt heard, so I assume you're a no, if that's incorrect, please let me know so I can update the headcount for food and such. Thanks!

So you sort of assume it's a no, and put the onus on them to contact you if it's otherwise. That way you can also say something at the door to them if they do show up.

[CleverScreenName]

Its seems you still have a day or so until the deadline, you may be surprised at the amount of people who wait until the last minute.

[Tilt Fairy]

Its seems you still have a day or so until the deadline, you may be surprised at the amount of people who wait until the last minute.

Yep this. Lots of people do just leave it to the last minute. Just like I had months to do my dissertation for my law degree thats due in tomorrow. But I've still left it to an all-nighter tonight to write 98% of it. Some people just get round to doing things when the deadline is looming.

If you haven't heard from them a couple of days after the RSVP date, simply ring them and ask them if they think they will be able to come or not because you need a headcount/to estimate how much food you need/what drinks you need in etc.. I doubt anyone will mind you following up at all.

[rose red]

This thread is very weird.  It's about RSVP, but keep drifting to party favors or if 1st birthdays are a big deal or not.  It doesn't even sound like the OP would be upset if only a few people come.  She just want to know how to handle it if people don't RSVP.

To answer the OP's question, like any party, meeting, or event, I would wait until the deadline and then call or email.  You shouldn't have to and it's really annoying, but this may be the only way that you know how much food and favors to get.

[Lovie]

I thought anything in the thread is up for discussion? OP's question was pretty well answered early on. Since part of her concern about the RSVP was tied to a specific favor, I think it's pretty obvious why it became a point of discussion. It's not weird at all.

[Bibliophile]

This thread is very weird.  It's about RSVP, but keep drifting to party favors or if 1st birthdays are a big deal or not.  It doesn't even sound like the OP would be upset if only a few people come.  She just want to know how to handle it if people don't RSVP.

To answer the OP's question, like any party, meeting, or event, I would wait until the deadline and then call or email.  You shouldn't have to and it's really annoying, but this may be the only way that you know how much food and favors to get.

She's already had lots of suggestions on how to deal with the RSVP issue - there are only so many suggestions you can offer before repeating one that's already been said.  Hard to sustain an RSVP suggestion thread for this amount of pages.  Other threads go off on tangents too - so not so weird as it happens often 

[stargazer]

I thought anything in the thread is up for discussion? OP's question was pretty well answered early on. Since part of her concern about the RSVP was tied to a specific favor, I think it's pretty obvious why it became a point of discussion. It's not weird at all.

POD.  This happens all the time - I'm not sure why it's being questioned in this thread.  You can't control where the thread goes, especially when you bring things up in the OP that people want to discuss as well.

[TheaterDiva1]

Yes, but I've seen threads get locked for going way off-topic.  I'd hate for that to happen here - I for one would like to see if OP posts an update.  We can always start spin-off threads elsewhere for t-shirt favors, 1st birthdays and whatnot.

[SamiHami]

I wouldn't worry about it until after the RSVP date. Personally, I'd cancel it if no one RSVPs by then. But you might want to call everyone to warn them that you cancelled it or I'm afraid you might get someone on your doorstep expecting a party. Or you could just call everyone and ask if they're coming.

But see, that's just feeding the rudeness beast. I think that calling/emailing people and begging for a response is encouraging rudeness. I also think it's a terrible idea to contact them and tell them the party is cancelled. No RSVP = they are not planning to attend, so why notify them that a party they don't plan to attend is cancelled? Why would they care?

It's entirely their own fault if they show up for the party only to find no one home. Perhaps wasting their time and gas will be a motivator to actually respond to invitations!

[Sharnita]

I do think that instead of canceling the party I might revise my concept of "party".  Instead of a party with 40 guests it could be  a party with 8 guests.  That is still a party.

[Lynn2000]

I wouldn't worry about it until after the RSVP date. Personally, I'd cancel it if no one RSVPs by then. But you might want to call everyone to warn them that you cancelled it or I'm afraid you might get someone on your doorstep expecting a party. Or you could just call everyone and ask if they're coming.

But see, that's just feeding the rudeness beast. I think that calling/emailing people and begging for a response is encouraging rudeness. I also think it's a terrible idea to contact them and tell them the party is cancelled. No RSVP = they are not planning to attend, so why notify them that a party they don't plan to attend is cancelled? Why would they care?

It's entirely their own fault if they show up for the party only to find no one home. Perhaps wasting their time and gas will be a motivator to actually respond to invitations!

In some ways I agree with this--why SHOULD you have to chase people down who couldn't respond in a timely manner? But on the other hand, it really depends on the social circle. In some circles/families, and for some events, no response = not planning to attend. But in others, no response = YES planning to attend--like, you should know we were of course planning to attend! And actually in my family it could go either way. 

Which I'm not saying is polite, but them being rude leads to practical problems. Yes, it's perfectly fine to turn unexpected guests away at the door. But I personally think that's one of those perfectly fine things that is really, really hard to do in real life, especially when it's a close relative trying to attend a child's birthday party, when they can see other relatives celebrating that birthday just inside the house.

What could work, though, is the host deciding to change the location of the party based on the 8 guests of 40 who have responded--not to a bait and switch extent, but maybe going to a restaurant instead of feeding them at home. Then the non-respondent who just shows up will find themselves facing an empty house, and no idea where to go next. And I guess the host can ignore them if they call their cell phone (though other guests might not and the person might find you anyway). If the host decides to cancel the party entirely, it might be helpful to leave the house during the party time as well, if they fear non-respondents showing up at the door.

But honestly, this kind of thing happens all the time in my family, and no one ever learns from it.  The house is dark, you have to call four people to find out what restaurant they went to, you get to the restaurant and have to drag up an extra table so you have a place to sit, people say, "Oh, I didn't realize you were coming!" and people STILL don't get a clue and do it again next time. Fortunately my parents and I are not usually in a position to host these things so it's not our place to correct the offenders, but I imagine it's aggravating to the hosts. (But not aggravating enough to prevent THEM from doing it when THEY are guests. Oh family. Fortunately they have many other redeeming qualities.)

[kareng57]

I wouldn't worry about it until after the RSVP date. Personally, I'd cancel it if no one RSVPs by then. But you might want to call everyone to warn them that you cancelled it or I'm afraid you might get someone on your doorstep expecting a party. Or you could just call everyone and ask if they're coming.

But see, that's just feeding the rudeness beast. I think that calling/emailing people and begging for a response is encouraging rudeness. I also think it's a terrible idea to contact them and tell them the party is cancelled. No RSVP = they are not planning to attend, so why notify them that a party they don't plan to attend is cancelled? Why would they care?

It's entirely their own fault if they show up for the party only to find no one home. Perhaps wasting their time and gas will be a motivator to actually respond to invitations!

In some ways I agree with this--why SHOULD you have to chase people down who couldn't respond in a timely manner? But on the other hand, it really depends on the social circle. In some circles/families, and for some events, no response = not planning to attend. But in others, no response = YES planning to attend--like, you should know we were of course planning to attend! And actually in my family it could go either way. 

Which I'm not saying is polite, but them being rude leads to practical problems. Yes, it's perfectly fine to turn unexpected guests away at the door. But I personally think that's one of those perfectly fine things that is really, really hard to do in real life, especially when it's a close relative trying to attend a child's birthday party, when they can see other relatives celebrating that birthday just inside the house.

What could work, though, is the host deciding to change the location of the party based on the 8 guests of 40 who have responded--not to a bait and switch extent, but maybe going to a restaurant instead of feeding them at home. Then the non-respondent who just shows up will find themselves facing an empty house, and no idea where to go next. And I guess the host can ignore them if they call their cell phone (though other guests might not and the person might find you anyway). If the host decides to cancel the party entirely, it might be helpful to leave the house during the party time as well, if they fear non-respondents showing up at the door.

But honestly, this kind of thing happens all the time in my family, and no one ever learns from it.  The house is dark, you have to call four people to find out what restaurant they went to, you get to the restaurant and have to drag up an extra table so you have a place to sit, people say, "Oh, I didn't realize you were coming!" and people STILL don't get a clue and do it again next time. Fortunately my parents and I are not usually in a position to host these things so it's not our place to correct the offenders, but I imagine it's aggravating to the hosts. (But not aggravating enough to prevent THEM from doing it when THEY are guests. Oh family. Fortunately they have many other redeeming qualities.)

I know - a few years ago I started a thread asking how many people would, indeed, turn someone away at the door because of an infraction such as not replying to an invitation, bringing an uninvited guest, etc.  The majority of responders asserted that they would do just that, no matter what. But I'm a wimp, generally - subscribing to the idea that Hostess-must-smile-through-everything (even if she's silently gritting her teeth).

And if the chronic-offenders are close family members - sure, it's easy enough to say "then tell them that they will not be welcome at future events".  In theory, maybe.  In practice - a lot harder.  It can be pretty difficult to cut out a very close relative such as a grandparent or aunt/uncle because they don't meet our etiquette standards.

[Lynn2000]

Re: kareng57--If it was a toxic person, or a completely uninvited person who was trying to crash a party I was hosting, or something like that, sure, I would turn them away (I hope). But I agree with you, I think it's really difficult in most common situations that come up (at least that I can imagine).

Like with my family--they are truly nice, decent, wonderful people. I would say the RSVP thing is, collectively, their biggest flaw. And it IS a flaw, and rude and inconsiderate; but me turning them away because they didn't RSVP, when they can look through the doorway and see the other relatives celebrating inside, would be so incredibly hurtful to them that I think it would be like swatting a fly with a bazooka. Complete overkill that would cause way more problems than it would solve. Because at least in my family, it's not a toxic controlling manipulating behavior, it's more like carelessness and fondly assuming the more, the merrier. (I really hope I would mention it privately to the person later, if their unexpected appearance put me in a tough spot somehow.)

But I know not all families/social groups are like that, and turning someone away at the door can represent a triumph of boundaries over a chronically rude and inconsiderate person whose behavior is driven more by entitlement than anything else. I've just not experienced anything like that personally, so it's hard for me to imagine with the people I currently know.

[kareng57]

Re: kareng57--If it was a toxic person, or a completely uninvited person who was trying to crash a party I was hosting, or something like that, sure, I would turn them away (I hope). But I agree with you, I think it's really difficult in most common situations that come up (at least that I can imagine).

Like with my family--they are truly nice, decent, wonderful people. I would say the RSVP thing is, collectively, their biggest flaw. And it IS a flaw, and rude and inconsiderate; but me turning them away because they didn't RSVP, when they can look through the doorway and see the other relatives celebrating inside, would be so incredibly hurtful to them that I think it would be like swatting a fly with a bazooka. Complete overkill that would cause way more problems than it would solve. Because at least in my family, it's not a toxic controlling manipulating behavior, it's more like carelessness and fondly assuming the more, the merrier. (I really hope I would mention it privately to the person later, if their unexpected appearance put me in a tough spot somehow.)

But I know not all families/social groups are like that, and turning someone away at the door can represent a triumph of boundaries over a chronically rude and inconsiderate person whose behavior is driven more by entitlement than anything else. I've just not experienced anything like that personally, so it's hard for me to imagine with the people I currently know.

I think that we're basically in agreement.   I wasn't talking about someone like toxic Uncle from whom nice Aunt had been separated from for years, of course someone has to take measures to make sure that he's not admitted to any gathering.  I was talking more about cluelessness - such as Cousin who figures that of course he can show up at the wedding with this girlfriend, even though he was only replied for himself, or neighbours Mr. and Mrs. Smith who show up with their kids in tow.

[Lynn2000]

I think that we're basically in agreement.   I wasn't talking about someone like toxic Uncle from whom nice Aunt had been separated from for years, of course someone has to take measures to make sure that he's not admitted to any gathering.  I was talking more about cluelessness - such as Cousin who figures that of course he can show up at the wedding with this girlfriend, even though he was only replied for himself, or neighbours Mr. and Mrs. Smith who show up with their kids in tow.

Right, exactly! I think it would be so hard. (That doesn't mean it's rude or that other people have to find it difficult, of course.) I usually let things go once or twice--like the neighbors showing up with their uninvited kids. If it was more a matter of principle--I didn't invite the kids, therefore they should not be here--I would probably let them in anyway, and make a mental note for next time to ask cheerfully if they've found a sitter yet. (Or, depending on their attitude and the kids' behavior, not invite them over again.) In other words, next time, I would change something in response to their behavior this time, instead of doing the exact same thing and expecting them to behave differently.

If it was more a matter of safety or appropriateness--like it was a Saw filmfest or a Broken Glass Collectors club meeting--I think it would be much easier to say, "Sorry, I really can't let the kids in, that's why I didn't invite them, sorry it wasn't clear, talk to you later." And I probably just wouldn't invite them again, especially if really, I was clear about kids not being invited.

The cousin with a girlfriend at the wedding I would probably just let go, because likely I would only be hosting one wedding (at least in a short span of time!) and it just wouldn't seem worth the fuss. If he often brought someone to events where he'd only RSVP'd for himself, I would quickly start asking him if he was planning to bring anyone, because it would be nice to know for XYZ reasons (as they clearly aren't obvious to him).