General Etiquette > Techno-quette

Friend request rejections - is it an etiquette issue?

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tsylvain:
I respect the fact that some people choose to keep their friend lists pared down, but to me it seems rude or at least a bit stingy to be extremely particular about accepting a new friend (especially one that you are friendly with IRL).  Now that Facebook allows people to group friends and to choose which groups see which updates, why do some users elect to reject well-meaning requests? I guess it could be argued that friend rejections are just part of the deal when you sign up to use Facebook and start extending yourself to others.  Still, I wonder if rejections of people you know can be borderline rude, especially when the rejected party is likely to see the person again IRL and then there will be hard feelings or at least awkwardness.     

I began thinking about this recently when I sent out a few friend requests to people I know from work who are mutual friends with many of my friends (also from work).  One or two responded right away, but I also had some surprises when some never did (and of course I assume this means they rejected me or clicked "ignore").  In the past, I have also been surprised after running into an old college friend and speaking to that person warmly at a conference to be ignored when I later sent a friend request (along with a PM that was never answered).  I know some Facebook users would like to keep their posts visible to only their closest friends and family, but as I mentioned, it's possible to do that anyway. 

Readers here will likely be wondering if I'm just an unpleasant person, but really, I'm not (I don't think that's the problem, anyway, and haven't had the impression that coworkers or others dislike me for some reason).  I know, I should move on and not worry about it, but since Facebook creates new etiquette situations, I wondered what e-hellions thought about the etiquette of rejection.  In my case, I've been pretty free and easy in accepting friends, rejecting only those who are strangers and deleting only a few offensive commenters.  I have hidden a lot of h.s. friends' feeds, though, as we no longer have much in common.  I don't have an excessive number of friends, either; there are currently 230 or so.  In other words, I'm not just adding people wildly.

Anyway, I'm curious to hear your thoughts on this . . . :-\   Has anyone else been upset or puzzled by friend-request rejections?  If so, how did you handle seeing the person who rejected you (assuming you ever saw him or her IRL again)? Also, have any of you found ways of rejecting friend requests more politely than just by ignoring them?  (Or, maybe "politely" isn't the right word, since it's debatable whether it's impolite to reject potential friends, but how can the person doing the rejecting take the sting out?)     

Yvaine:
Some people have a strict policy of not being FB friends with anyone they know through work, which I can't really fault them for given some of the stories that have been in the news in recent years where people were fired due to FB status updates or photos someone tagged them in. In your shoes I'd try to not take it as a personal rejection, and instead tell myself that your work acquaintances just don't want you seeing pictures of them with a red Solo cup.  ;D

ETA: and, yes, there are privacy settings, but I and many others don't trust them any farther than we can throw them. Every time FB is updated, the privacy settings get all wonked up and we have to reset them, and potentially embarrassing material can leak in the interim.

tsylvain:
I wouldn't worry so much if the coworkers who rejected me weren't already friends with other coworkers.  In other words, those rejecting my requests apparently didn't have a no-friends-from-work-allowed policy.

Judah:
Everybody uses Facebook differently.  I use it to keep in touch with people I'm emotionally close to, but physically distant and I never friend coworkers. So, I have about 50 friends.  I've declined every friend request I've received from people I don't know, mere acquaintances, old high school/college friends I haven't kept in touch with, family members I don't like, and those I don't want to see on Facebook with no qualms because friending or not friending is not an etiquette issue, it's an issue of personal preference. I guess I don't understand why Facebook is such an emotional thing for some people. It's just a tool and we all use it for our own reasons.

Yvaine:

--- Quote from: tsylvain on May 30, 2012, 11:38:53 AM ---I wouldn't worry so much if the coworkers who rejected me weren't already friends with other coworkers.  In other words, those rejecting my requests apparently didn't have a no-friends-from-work-allowed policy.

--- End quote ---

They may have known these other people from before they worked together (for example, I used to have a "work friend" whom I'd actually known for about three years before we started working at the same place) or maybe they've just known each other so long that the work-awkwardness is gone. Or they may just not go on FB much and haven't seen your requests or messages yet.

Anyway, in response to your question about taking the sting out, I can't think of a politer way to reject friend requests except just quietly ignoring them, unless it is a general policy that you can explain, as in: "I don't FB friend anyone from work, but I have a LinkedIn account (or whatever)" or "Sorry, I'm hardly ever on here and I just use it to talk to my family, but you can email me anytime". But if you're rejecting someone because you just don't want to be FB friends with that particular person, I do think the quiet ignore is more polite than saying "I'm not going to be your FB friend because you annoy me."

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