General Etiquette > Techno-quette
Friend request rejections - is it an etiquette issue?
artk2002:
--- Quote from: tsylvain on May 30, 2012, 12:50:15 PM ---Regarding your point about etiquette not necessarily being about making the other person feel comfortable, I wanted to mention that I used to read the Times (London) etiquette column pretty regularly online, and I remember the columnist there writing several times that making others feel comfortable IS the aim of etiquette. Etiquette is meant to smooth over problems by providing a way of behaving that lessens hurt feelings, awkwardness, etc. I'll see if I can find a link or quote to post from that columnist (whose name I've forgotten). Anyway, thanks again for your insightful post.
--- End quote ---
Much as I hate to disagree with the venerable Times, that isn't the interpretation that's used here or by many North American etiquette experts. Miss Manners is a prime example of someone who doesn't think it's mainly about making others comfortable.
Here's a simple example where you can be perfectly polite, but have the other person feel uncomfortable: In a conversation, someone lets loose with a racist epithet. You can, politely, say "I'm sorry, I find that offensive" and leave. That's certainly not going to make the other person comfortable, since they've been called out publicly. Another one: You're saving a seat at the theater while your friend goes and gets the popcorn. Someone sits in that seat and you say "I'm sorry, but that seat is taken." Again a polite action that results in someone else being uncomfortable. For a third example, see this post just up on the main site. Someone asked, politely and got a "no", which was also polite. But from the post, it's clear that the recipient of the "no" was very unhappy. At the extreme end, the "cut direct" is within the bounds of etiquette, but is going to make the target very uncomfortable.
Working from the idea that it's impolite to make others uncomfortable leaves us unable to address bullies and rude people; all we can do is take it or walk away. While it may be rude to call someone out for using the wrong fork, it's not rude to tell someone that their actions have hurt you, even though that makes them uncomfortable. It only becomes rude if it's expressed rudely (with swearing, name-calling, etc.)
tsylvain:
Thanks for the reply, Artk2002. I think that former columnist at the Times was onto something, or maybe I just absorbed the idea so thoroughly a decade ago that it's hard to shake my belief in it now. To me, if etiquette isn't seasoned with some kind of regard for others' feelings, it's hardly worth the effort to behave "correctly." While searching for some quotes from the etiquette column I mentioned, I found two things: one is that the London Times is now secured behind a paywall and the other is that the Etiquette Hell columnist wrote on this subject in 2007: http://www.etiquettehell.com/?p=35 (about whether manners and others' comfort can or should coexist - not about friend-request rejections).
On that Etiquette Hell page I found this quote from Miss Manners: "Miss Manners’ meager arsenal consists only of the withering look, the insistent and repeated request, the cold voice, the report up the chain of command and the tilted nose. They generally work. When they fail, she has the ability to dismiss inferior behavior from her mind as coming from inferior people." I have a hard time with this notion of etiquette, which sounds cruel and condescending. The examples of world leaders taking "making others comfortable" to ridiculous degrees at the beginning of the post don't (to me, at least) suggest that one should instead resort to the withering look and the tilted nose. There are other options than absurd mimicry of others' faux pas and cold looks and haughtiness. (I'm American, by the way, even though I now live in Europe . . . so it's not a question of upbringing or North American values versus British).
ETA: Still, I agree with you about the "cut direct"--but not because of comfort. It does seem that sometimes directness is kinder and more respectful of the other person than either mincing words or (as with Facebook-friend rejections) ignoring him or her. But, come to think of it, others here have argued that ignoring IS a direct statement.
NotTheNarcissist:
I know OP you've said that you are trying to figure out how others handle FB "rejections" but the title of the post is asking if Facebook rejections are an etiquette issue so I'm going to address both.
I don't believe FB rejections are an etiquette issue because people use FB for various reasons. I don't have time to keep up with the newsfeed. For me it's strictly so people can reach me should they need to. I have several young ladies that I mentor who are on FB & their phone numbers change a lot, their emails too, but with FB they don't have to keep up w/ my contact info nor me their contact info. Send a FB message & we connect. That is the sole purpose of my account on FB.
2nd I have been rejected (& unfriended) & it hurt at first. However now that I've been on FB for 7 yrs, I just flat out don't care anymore.
One of my BFF's has never been on FB & we are closer than ever.
I hope you are getting some insight from all the collective wisdom of ehellions, because I remember at first it did sting to be rejected (or unfriend) but as time has gone by I realize different people use FB for different reasons. Like someone else said if FB went away tomorrow, well, for me, I'd miss it a little, but I wouldn't lose any sleep over it.
Also, I usually do not friend coworkers unless I know them very well, as in, we do social things outside of work, and even then, I have regretted friending co-workers many times. There's only 2 but they are very iffy friends, if friends at all. My mistake, & I will not unfriend them, but I regret friending them, as their true colors began to show later in our relationship.
WillyNilly:
--- Quote from: tsylvain on May 30, 2012, 11:27:27 AM ---...Now that Facebook allows people to group friends and to choose which groups see which updates, why do some users elect to reject well-meaning requests?
...I know some Facebook users would like to keep their posts visible to only their closest friends and family, but as I mentioned, it's possible to do that anyway.
--- End quote ---
I use FB almost exclusively from my phone. And I use is sparingly as far as personal posts/updates/photos, but what I do post does tend to be personal - inner circle only. Grouping is only possible via actual computer. So I don't 'friend' people who aren't privvy to my personal details.
--- Quote from: tsylvain on May 30, 2012, 11:27:27 AM ---I don't have an excessive number of friends, either; there are currently 230 or so. In other words, I'm not just adding people wildly.
--- End quote ---
And remember numbers are subjective. Sure some FB users have thousands of "friends" but those tend to be public personas/celebrities/performers, etc. IMO, 230 is actually rather "excessive" for an average person. Sure lots of FB users are excessive along with you, but that's a very high number IMO. I have about 100 FB friends with about 1/3 being family.
Winterlight:
--- Quote from: tsylvain on May 30, 2012, 03:15:41 PM ---On that Etiquette Hell page I found this quote from Miss Manners: "Miss Manners’ meager arsenal consists only of the withering look, the insistent and repeated request, the cold voice, the report up the chain of command and the tilted nose. They generally work. When they fail, she has the ability to dismiss inferior behavior from her mind as coming from inferior people." I have a hard time with this notion of etiquette, which sounds cruel and condescending. The examples of world leaders taking "making others comfortable" to ridiculous degrees at the beginning of the post don't (to me, at least) suggest that one should instead resort to the withering look and the tilted nose. There are other options than absurd mimicry of others' faux pas and cold looks and haughtiness. (I'm American, by the way, even though I now live in Europe . . . so it's not a question of upbringing or North American values versus British).
--- End quote ---
Just to clarify, that quote is coming from a different section than the first one. It's from, "Some thoughts on the impulse rude and the mannerly way of life." The whole point is in not striking back at people who are being rude to you. I'm including the link so you can see all of what was said, because the conflating on that page is deceptive.
http://books.google.com/books?id=Q348PWE1p6MC&printsec=frontcover&dq=miss+manners&hl=en&sa=X&ei=ioXGT_-BLKjA2gWboISZCA&ved=0CD4Q6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=meager%20arsenal%20&f=false
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