Telling someone politely to back off the safety concern

[Allyson]

BG: My best friend Amy's brother, Nathan, recently moved back to town, and he's been living with her for a couple of months now. At first it was a 'til he finds a place' situation but now he's working and paying rent so it'll probably be more permanent. I go over there a lot, and he's usually around, so we've developed a friendly relationship, but aren't really *friends*.

Nathan is a nice person, but has this one little quirk that's getting on my nerves. He is extremely safety-conscious, which is harmless or helpful most of the time. (He will make sure the doors are locked even when people are inside, for instance, which isn't something most people bother with where I live...we'll lock them when we're out, or when people are sleeping.) But, I like to walk home by from Amy's place, which is about a 20 minute walk. Sometimes my boyfriend is with me, but about half the time I'll be visiting by myself.

Nathan really doesn't like the idea of me walking home alone after dark. I feel perfectly safe doing this, and in fact really enjoy the walk, whether I'm alone or not. Every time I do this, he will express disapproval. He's offered to walk with me, but I really prefer walking alone to having someone I don't know well along with me, making stilted conversation. I also pointed out to him that he'd be walking back by himself, and he's got no more self-defense training than I do.

He made a comment recently about how he can't believe my boyfriend lets me walk by myself, instead of coming to meet me (we don't drive). I got pretty mad at this, and told him it wasn't his business and my boyfriend doesn't 'let' me do things anyway. I really could've been nicer about it, but I'm getting aggravated that we have to go through this song-and-dance repeatedly.

This really sets my teeth on edge, so I'm thinking I need some polite deflecting techniques so that I don't lose my temper at him. I know he's trying to be helpful but I find it really condescending! I've thought of quoting safety surveys to him about how the likelihood of getting attacked outside by a stranger was not nearly as big a threat as it's perceived to me, but I don't suppose that would go over well. He's not the first person to have an issue with me walking alone at night, but he's the only one to push so hard about it.

(I thought about obfuscating the safety issue here, because when I brought this up with someone else their only response was 'well, you shouldn't walk by yourself!' so hopefully nobody here will give me another lecture )

[Sanity Lost]

well he's right! j/king

Okay now that is out of the way 

I think the best thing you can do is the next time you are over there is state calmly and clearly. "Friend I appreciate the fact that you are looking out for my safety and well-being. But truthfully, I prefer the walk home alone and really don't need the protection. I'm a big girl and have been protecting myself for a while now. I really don't need another safety lecture and if I ever feel like I need the company home I'll ask. So please do not ever bring this subject up again".

If you think it might help getting one of these for your key chain http://www.muggerslugger.com/products.htm. it might get him to back off as well.

[WillyNilly]

I totally get where you are coming from!  I have a 1 mile or so walk home from the subway.  Its through a nice neighborhood, a moderately busy, well lit street and just overall very safe, and yet people - usually men who don't know me well - get aggressive about it not being safe for me to walk alone.  Honestly I'm usually more uncomfortable around the guy objecting to me walking alone then by the walk.

I think you need to just lay down the law.  Look him in the eyes, good posture, shoulders back, arms open, total confidence and in an unwavering tone  tell him "Nathan, stop.  Just stop with the safety concerns and me walking.  I heard you the first hundred times and it was condescending by the third.  You will stop now.  It is not a dangerous walk for me.  And regardless, its my choice to walk it.  You may not walk with me and quite frankly you may not bring this topic up to me again.  Ever.  Do you understand?" And hold eye contact and wait for an answer.  And if he starts with some excuse, calmly hold your hand up to stop him and say "Nathan, I asked you a question.  Do you understand you are to never bring this topic up with me again?  Its a yes no question."

You need to be strong in your communication so he can believe in your strength, after all if you can't stand up to Nathan, maybe its not safe for you to walk alone afterall

[greencat]

I had to shut my mother down on the same issue - I pointed out to her that if I had the money to hire the bodyguard that would be necessary to always have company on the bus to and from work, I wouldn't need to be riding the bus in the first place!

[bah12]

"I appreciate your concern, but I've decided to walk alone.  Thanks for the offer though"

"I'm aware of the possible safety concerns and after some thought have decided to walk alone."

"I prefer to walk home alone. As much as I appreciate your concern, I don't want to keep having this conversation.  I'm not going to change my mind about this."

"My boyfriend has no more control over my walk home than you do.  I've decided to go alone, please respect that."

"I know how you feel.  You know how I feel.  Please drop it."

[hannahmollysmom]

Where did he previously live? Maybe he lived in a dangerous area and it will take him time to relax in the area he is now living in.

I think I would basically thank him for his concern, but let him know you are secure in this area.

[kherbert05]

I totally get where you are coming from!  I have a 1 mile or so walk home from the subway.  Its through a nice neighborhood, a moderately busy, well lit street and just overall very safe, and yet people - usually men who don't know me well - get aggressive about it not being safe for me to walk alone.  Honestly I'm usually more uncomfortable around the guy objecting to me walking alone then by the walk.

I think you need to just lay down the law.  Look him in the eyes, good posture, shoulders back, arms open, total confidence and in an unwavering tone  tell him "Nathan, stop.  Just stop with the safety concerns and me walking.  I heard you the first hundred times and it was condescending by the third.  You will stop now.  It is not a dangerous walk for me.  And regardless, its my choice to walk it.  You may not walk with me and quite frankly you may not bring this topic up to me again.  Ever.  Do you understand?" And hold eye contact and wait for an answer.  And if he starts with some excuse, calmly hold your hand up to stop him and say "Nathan, I asked you a question.  Do you understand you are to never bring this topic up with me again?  Its a yes no question."

You need to be strong in your communication so he can believe in your strength, after all if you can't stand up to Nathan, maybe its not safe for you to walk alone afterall

This - because it is much more polite than my first impulse would be if I were you -  it to tell my friend to stop her sexist relative from trying  interfering with my life.  (Boyfriend lets you walk comment makes my blood boil).

[Lynn2000]

Good advice so far. I like a short version like, "Nathan, you've mentioned that before. I appreciate your concern, but I'm fine doing what I do. Could you not bring it up again?" Followed by, "I asked you not to bring that up again. I don't want to talk about that anymore."

Is this something where, as you're leaving, he pops in from the other room and says something; or is he intruding on your time hanging out with your friend? Would it be possible for you and your friend to meet elsewhere, or for her to encourage him to get out of the house more when you're coming over?

Have you asked your friend what Nathan's beef might be? You probably want to say something to him about it yourself, but maybe you can also enlist her to tell him to cool it after you've left/before you come over. Any chance he might have a crush on you and be feeling protective/have a vested interest in disparaging your current boyfriend?

[TheVapors]

WillyNilly has a good response.

I, myself, would probably say flatly, "Thank you for your concern."

I'd repeat that phrase with every "helpful" safety tip given.

[JenJay]

"You could slip in the shower and break your neck. You could get deadly food poisoning from fresh fruit. You could get carjacked on your way to church. Are you going to stop doing everything that could possibly hurt you? I enjoy walking and I refuse to allow fear of the very minor chance I'll be hurt to keep me inside."

[Syfygeek]

Is it possible that Nathan is interested in you as more than his sister's friend?  Wanting to walk you home, pointing out that your boyfriend should be doing what Nathan is doing (or trying to do) seems to be crush-like.

Because for someone so safety conscious, for him to put himself in a position of walking alone after dark for 20 minutes, seems out of character. (and I'm basing this on the deep understanding I have of Nathan from the one post  )

[Morticia]

I would point out that Nathan would have to walk home alone after seeing me home, and I would hate to put him in danger.

[WillyNilly]

I would point out that Nathan would have to walk home alone after seeing me home, and I would hate to put him in danger.

But OP has done that.  And not only has it not stopped or deterred Nathan, he has since then further escalated the worry to insulting both the OP's independence as an adult human being and her relationship/her boyfriends worthiness as a man.

...I also pointed out to him that he'd be walking back by himself, and he's got no more self-defense training than I do.

He made a comment recently about how he can't believe my boyfriend lets me walk by myself, instead of coming to meet me (we don't drive)...

[Morticia]

Sorry, I missed that part.

Then I guess he's just being sexist.

ETA: I don't know how to fix that, but if he is crushing on the OP, pointing out that this is insulting behaviour to the OP, and not gallantry, might be effective.

[SleepyKitty]

In addition to the PP's advice, there is a compromise to the situation. Not that you need to, should, or ought to compromise with Nathan, but if you're looking for a way to shut the situation down completely without getting too forceful, you can do what I did.

I walk to and from my boyfriend's house at night often - it's not nearly as long of a walk, maybe ten minutes tops if I am walking slowly - in a neighborhood that isn't dangerous, but isn't the best either. He used to be very uncomfortable with me walking alone at night, but I love the exercise and frankly, I refuse to drive my car less than a mile. We bickered about it until finally he went out and bought me a small can of mace which I carry in my hand - not my bag, since it doesn't do me any good to be fumbling around in my bag if I need it - when I'm walking.  I've never had to use it, it's no inconvenience to carry, and he feels much better knowing that I have it just in case.

The next time Nathan starts in on you, tell him that you'd be happy to accept a present of mace if he cares that much about your safety, but if he doesn't, then the conversation it over.