General Etiquette > All In A Day's Work
We are not your carers!
melbelle39:
Hoping for some advice on how my colleagues and I can tactfully manage a difficult situation.
BG I work in a large-ish organisation that is in the middle of our towns CBD - there is plenty withing walking distance in terms of shops, cafes, chemists etc and much more within say a 5 minute drive. My desk is located near the accounts team, some lovely ladies - M, K and N.
Earlier this year, N announced she was pregnant. We were all very happy for her as she is in her mid 40's and only married the year before - she is something of a late bloomer. Being significantly overweight and older than most first time mothers, N is experiencing some significant physical difficulties as pregnancy progresses. She now has difficulty walking, uses crutches and cannot use stairs or drive. Because of their financial situation (N's husband has a mild disability and only works 15 hours a week) its not financially feasible for N to go on maternity leave until just before her baby is due (late July.)
The workplace has been as supportive and accommodating as possible. N's desk has been moved downstairs to a vacant office (the owner is on maternity leave) and in particular her other team members (K&M) and myself will offer to fetch lunch or drop her off at appointments.
However, we are starting to become resentful of the constant expectations placed upon us. Because of N's new office location, we now pass her every time we go in or out of the office and there is a request every.single.time.
N seems to be enjoying the attention and not making any attempts to make plans to suit her new limitations. Instead of packing her lunch and snacks, she expects someone to fetch her lunch every day. This might not be so bad, but she wont say what she wants, instead she expects us to call her from the cafe and give a run down of the options so she can make her choice. She will call out to anyone passing by that she is hungry or feels like chocolate - so could they fetch her XXX regardless of the time of day or what the person might be doing.
She also assumes that people will give her a ride home is her husband is unavailable. Often this isnt possible, the the ladies I mentioned have school aged children with activities making it difficult to accommodate additional passengers or drop offs. I have no children but the nature of my work often means after hours meetings, plus I have my own chores etc.
We feel trapped and have taken to sneaking out the back door - (she has not responded to hints, or suggestions that she needs to sort things out herself, and actually pulls the poor pregnant lady card when her request is denied) So she has taken to calling us at our desks - as we do not have caller ID we cant screen calls. This week she took the cake when she asked M (on her way to the post office a block away) to go to the supermarket (about a 5 minute drive away) to get her something for dinner.
I am more comfortable saying no (politely) but my colleagues feel conflicted. Their manager is useless at people matters - he is a good accountant who should be left with numbers, not people and has previously either avoided or completely mishandled similar circumstances. We outsource our HR function so that is not an option either.
N told me this week that her husband is actually home during the day, but he thinks she is better off at work, because we can take care of her!
Any advice?
WillyNilly:
I think you all just need to grow some spines and start saying "no, that won't be possible." Especially for unreasonable things - M was doing local, work related business at the post office, the supermarket that needs to be driven to is personal. Personal on work time is unreasonable. It should not even be considered, so there should be no guilt in saying "no, that won't be possible" and going on your way. You can switch it up with "I really don't have the time" or "now is a bad time actually."
Occasionally, sure pick up her lunch if you are on your way to get lunch, but say "no I won' call you, that's actually a hassle. I need you to tell me what you want, otherwise you'll have to just call in for delivery." And if she asks repeatedly, why not just ask "why don't you bring lunch and snacks with you?" In fact ask/suggest about all topics "no actually I can't give you a ride today I have other plans. Why not call a cab?" "Sorry but I don't have the time to grocery shop for you, perhaps you should look into grocery delivery."
melbelle39:
Thank you for your response.
We have tried those tactics already of course, but its helpful to have someone impartial re-inforce that its ok.
As mentioned she uses the "pregnant lady" card ALOT. "I have cravings, I dont know what I want" "I'm so tired" and when we suggested a cab she almost burst into tears "We can't afford that, we have a baby on the way"
I dont think she is being deliberately malicious. Socially, I think she is a bit unaware and because this pregnancy is something she never thought would happen she is milking this and the attention a lot more than necessary.
We will keep up with the polite refusals.. It will also be helpful to show my colleagues.
Slartibartfast:
Do your regular lunch places do carryout? That might be a solution to the "pick me up something" problem.
Her: "Hey, can you get me lunch? I don't know what I want."
You: "Sure, I'm going to Moe's Diner today. Their menu is online - give them a call and set it up for carryout, and I'll pick it up when I get my own lunch. I'll probably be over there in twenty minutes or so."
That way, a) she has to make up her mind, and b) she (should be) paying for her lunch herself via credit card over the phone or something, so she's not expecting you to pick her food AND foot her bill until she gets around to paying you back. I guarantee you, someone who agonizes over having enough money for the baby but buys restaurant lunches every day will eventually start expecting you to spot them the money - after all, she's having a baaaaaaby!
melbelle39:
Thank you!
Nope, not online I'm afraid...
The cafe she prefers rotates certain items but they dont have a set roster or menu. We have suggested she call ahead (after a long conversation of if they have x get me that, but not y... or z...) but she prefers to have us call her......
I did mildly suggest that surely making a batch of say, lasagne and freezing it into portions for lunch was a better idea than Cafe x (which does know how to charge) but she replied that she gets bored having the same thing every day...
Im not in today, but apparently she has started dropping hints that we should be hosting a baby shower...
Which reminds me.. when she turned 40 she apparently asked for cash donations in the party invites... she had a wishing well at her party and provided her guests with special envelopes to use. She told me this because she received a few envelopes that had only a dollar or two in them and was obviously expecting me to show some shock/anger on her behalf...
So, yes, colleague is a tad clueless
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