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Invited guests bring uninvited guests for overnight visit

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tasryn:
I have been having an issue with a friend who lives in my home country (I am an ex pat) who comes to my country every year to visit family and usually visits me in the process and sometimes stays overnight. Last year when she came, she waited until the night before to say "We are coming-see you tomorrow!" When I asked who "we" was she informed me that her family member was driving her down and because it was a two hour drive from where she was staying with said family member to our house, naturally both of them would be expecting accommodation at my house for that evening. I was annoyed at an unexpected house guest and sad at the fact that I didn't get to spend quality time with my friend alone (the conversation changes to a more general nature when two of the three participants are people who don't know each other). The family member was sheepish and thanked me again and again for hosting her and brought a nice hostess gift because she knew there was an etiquette violation.

This year the same thing happened again. First she changed the date she was coming from a Monday to the previous Friday which wouldn't be such an issue as I'm not working at the moment as I'm due to deliver my first child within the next three weeks. But because we switched the guest room and nursery around (to put the nursery next to our bedroom) we had some furniture we needed to finish moving that weekend to make it habitable for guests staying on Monday to visit. Because we were given just 36 hours notice, we had to scramble to get that furniture moved which was difficult as we had booked friends to come in and help move the furniture that weekend. We also had to scramble to get groceries in and get everything tidy for their visit. Then the night before my friend tells me yet again that she is not coming alone-that the same family member would be driving her down and expect a place to stay.  She knew she was putting me out so she offered to just come for a day trip but I told her she was more than welcome to stay the night as she had a long drive to our place. She did not say she wouldn't stay the night. Once again she arrives with the family member and once again I don't get to spend quality time with my friend alone which I really wanted as I only get to see her once a year and I'd like to just have a one on one experience with her. She informs me upon arrival that she will not be staying the night as she has to meet another friend early in the morning back at her original location but doesn't bother to tell me this until the day of which means my husband and I put ourselves out cleaning, getting groceries in and moving furniture for nothing.

I just want to know how I can handle this situation in the future. Is there some way I could say that we'd like to host you but not your family member? Also, I find this situation irritating not just for unexpected overnight guests but just in general when you anticipate doing dinner with a friend and suddenly some random third person shows up and you don't get quality time with your friend. It's not so bad when you see said friend all the time, but my friends in my native country are people I see rarely and I feel protective of my time with them and don't want to entertain random third party people. However based on my age (early 30s) the friendship group I have seems like it's expected to bring uninvited guests to events, house stays, etc because it's the "more the merrier" and everything is so casual anyway that it's okay. Am I just being overprotective or snooty in relation to my friendships or am I right to be annoyed? Also, am I right to be annoyed at both the unexpected house guests AND the unexpected guests for dinner or just the houseguest scenario? Both annoy me because both involve me having an expectation of private time with my friend to have intimate conversation that instead turns into a small talk fest (I hate small talk) because me and the third party person don't know each other. I like quality time with my friends and cherish those opportunities but it seems like more and more those moments are hard to get because of the casual nature of relationships.

Iris:
I'm just posting to see what advice you get because I used to be in a similar situation and never worked it out.

Kaypeep:
She's rude to spring guests on you, but then again she's a guest in your new homeland and maybe can't travel easily herself (getting lost, language barrier, etc.) so I might give her more of a pass for those reasons if they possibly apply.  Also, you want alone time with her but you have DH and she does not, so think that she may want the same thing but it's not happening for her either since you are married.  Also, it sounds like she comes to see you but do you ever go to visit her?  If not, then I think you have to accept that the friendship dynamics have changed with time and circumstance so you simply need to make the best of it.  OTOH, if you know she's coming to visit again, talk to her honestly ahead of time.  Ask her if there's a way she can come alone so that you can have one on one time.  Let her know DH won't be around either, and you'll have quality time like the old days (well, with a baby of course.  So see, dynamics are changing again and won't ever be what they used to be.)

The only problem I see is her not asking if she can bring a guest, and changing her plans once she got there by not staying over. Both of these can be remedied by having a stronger spine when she calls ahead.  Tell her it's not possible to accomodate guests, and reiterate her itinerary several times to confirm her plans.  I'd pointedly confirm and say "Are you sure?  Because last time you changed at the last minute and it quite put us out.  Please let me know for certain."

Jones:
How is she going to get to your home, and then back to Location A, unless she has someone bring her?

I admit, the lack of communication would drive me batty, and I might not let her come over anymore, but choose to meet her in Location A for an afternoon instead.

PastryGoddess:
She knew she was putting out and offered to just come down for a day.  Instead you told her to come with her family member and stay the night? Why didn't you take her up on her offer if it would be a hassle for you to get things ready for 2 people instead of the 1 you were expecting? This situation calls for a polite spine and "I'm afraid that won't be possible" used liberally.

I think if that happens again you need to be prepared to meet her outside of your home or just for the day.  If you keep allowing her to bring an uninvited guest each time she comes to visit, it will become a habit with her. She managed to get there without her family member the first time she came to visit, so she can manage to get to you alone in the future.

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