General Etiquette > Family and Children

"I need a friend, not a lecturer/ advisor"

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Penguin_ar:
BG: Oldest Penguin Hatchling has had a speech delay from early on (at almost now 5, with 2.5 years of speech therapy, is still talking at a level half his age), then got occupational therapy for SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder- he doesn't tolerate loud noises or squishy textures) and early this year was finally diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. It makes sense, but it still takes some time to come to terms with it. I have been trying to read up on the disorder, and also reach out to other mom's with kiddos on the spectrum to exchange ideas and talk to people who know what it is like. I have made some lovely new friends online, and starting to network in my local area, mostly through the clinic Hatchling attends for speech/ occupational/ physical therapy.   / bg

One of the people I have met is a friend of a friend whose ASD son is a few years older than mine. She has self-appointed herself as my mentor, and I don't like it.  Some examples:
- She really pushed us to place Hatchling in a certain Special Needs pre-k school, rather than trying to work with his current playschool, which we wanted to do at the time.  As it happens, we have applied there because the Hatchlings current small, church based playschool just cannot cope with him anymore. But now she is pushing for Hatchling's two sisters to go to the SN school too (they have a few neurotypical kids in each class), because her NT son went there. We decided to keep sisters at their current school, as it will be only 1 year until Hatchling and his twin go to kindergarten anyway.
- I met her for coffee once, which was ok. Ever since then, she's emailed saying "You really need to give me two hours of your time, I will change your outlook on this."  I don't want to. Saying I didn't have time and bean dipping didn't work.
-  She sent me details to a small grant ASD families can apply for to help with purchasing of equipment or lessons. Looking into it, the grant is via a small local charity, and very limited numbers are granted every year. We decided not to apply as Hatchling has everything he needs at this time- we are not rich, but other families may need it more.  She keeps emailing me to apply, saying we could upgrade our IPad 2 to an IPad 3 (no need) or buy a equpiment for types of therapy I already told her don't work with my son.
- I got excited because we found a local TBall team for SN kids, it's not a league or anything, the ages are varied, but they learn social skills and baseball and have fun a couple of hours a week.  I posted about it on Facebook and she said I shouldn't limit Hatchling, that I can force a regular team to accept him as they are not allowed to discriminate. She is the one who pushed us to consider a SN school!  Beside, there is no way Hatchling would be able for a regular team in terms of following directions, the length of games, and he isn't even toilet trained yet.

She is a warm and caring person, and I'd rather not cut her off as a friend, few local friends understand what it is like.  But she is really getting on my nerves. How do I tell her "I need a friend, not a lecturer/ advisor"?

weeblewobble:
I think you need to pull away from this friendship.  This person won't be happy unless all of your choices line up with hers and she will harrass you until you change.  The "Two hours of your time" thing sounds way too much like an Amway pitch for my comfort.  Was she planning on cornering you for two hours with a Powerpoint presentation on why your parenting skills are wrong, wrong, wrong?

Block her on Facebook, don't respond to voicemail or texts.  You said she's a friend of a friend.  If a friend of friend who didn't share this particular issue with you was treating you in such a condescending, bossy manner, would you stick around for it?

sam:
This would drive me crazy. My 9yr old ds has A.S.D ( high functioning).

Some people dont seem to get that the spectrum is vast and what works dor one child wont work with another.

I would start backing away from this friendship too.  Your parental decisions are exactly that YOURS.   Just because your child has a.s.d doesnt mean that you have to have every step you take dicated to you.  Trust your own instincts as parents and if you are unsure seek professional guideance.  Same as you would for any other child.

Block her from facebook and dont reply to any demands for your time

LadyL:
Ah, the "Fill in the blank evangelist."

When people finally, after a ton of work, figure out something really hard (like how to manage life with an ASD kid) they can be overzealous about wanting to share their new found knowledge with others. It's well intentioned but pretty darned obnoxious behavior. In my own experience, I had to fight my impulse to evangelize about low carb diets when after resisting them for years I discovered I was mildly insulin resistant and controlling carbs majorly improved my quality of life.

I would perhaps consider telling her she seems well meaning but is coming on way too strong, and see if she tones it down. If she doesn't, back off the friendship. It sounds like she is very in tune with local resources and some of them are a good fit for you but some aren't, and she doesn't seem malicious, just pushy. I would give her a chance to modify her behavior, but just that, ONE chance.

Tea Drinker:
Maybe tell her something like "our children are different people, and I don't need advice on how to raise mine. And how is your son?" (if you want to continue the conversation at all). It seems as though your options are to try to back away, or to make your point firmly but not rudely. She clearly isn't going to stop if you keep talking to her without making the point.

In your shoes, I would probably have told her that it felt wrong to ask for charity to upgrade a perfectly good iPad when there are people in much greater need. (The point isn't that someone shouldn't upgrade their iPad, it's what you feel comfortable asking for charity to buy, given that the charity has finite resources.)

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