Author Topic: No, I don't "hate" you because I defriended you.  (Read 3995 times)

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LadyL

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No, I don't "hate" you because I defriended you.
« on: June 03, 2012, 10:10:27 AM »
I am not sure what to make of, or do about, this situation.

I am friends with Jamie whose roommate is Lexie. Jamie plays in a band and her band played a small local venue about 6 months ago, and Lexie came to the show. I chatted with Lexie for maybe 20 minutes because she works in a similar field as mine. After the show, I added her on facebook, as I was trying to get to know people in the area having just moved back maybe a year prior at that point. Months went by - maybe 2-3 months - and I didn't see or talk to Lexie again. She wasn't very active on facebook and it just didn't seem like we were going to end up actively being friends, so when I was clearing out my friends list I defriended her. I keep my FB friends list to only people I either see and talk to regularly in real life, or people who live far away who I want to keep in touch with.

After a few months there was a get together with Jamie and a few other people where Lexie came along, and I gave the two of them a ride. This time, LordL ended up talking to Lexie quite a bit but I didn't talk to her much. I saw Lexie and Jamie again maybe after another 6 weeks and again LordL talked to Lexie more than I did, though I did join the conversation with both of them for maybe 10-15 minutes.

Yesterday I saw Jamie and she told me that she wasn't supposed to say anything but it was bugging her a lot - Lexie is convinced that I "hate" her because I defriended her on facebook, and never added her back even though we've talked a few times since we've met. Lexie apparently wants to be friends with me, but feels rejected because of the facebook thing and because I didn't talk to her much the last time I saw her. She thinks that because LordL talks to her more, that I might think she is trying to hit on him or something, and that's why I don't like her. Jamie thought Lexie was majorly overreacting, and tried to tell her (nicely) that I don't even know her well enough to have an opinion of her (which is true), but Lexie has a bit of a complex about it apparently.

I am pretty flabberghasted. I'm the type of person who tends to get along well with anyone, and is sensitive about offending anyone, and I do sometimes worry that my facebook policy will have that result - I just didn't think that anyone even goes and checks whether I've defriended them.

How should I act towards Lexie when I see her next? Is she overreacting to an extent where this is a sort of "don't engage the crazy" situation or should I try to be extra nice to her, talk to her more, etc. to try to correct her perception? Jamie said she is going to have a party at their apartment soon so I'll have a chance to interact with both of them and potentially smooth things over, but I'm not sure what to do.


SleepyKitty

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Re: No, I don't "hate" you because I defriended you.
« Reply #1 on: June 03, 2012, 11:02:20 AM »
It depends on whether or not you actually want to pursue a friendship with this girl. Frankly, I wouldn't, because her behavior screams "drama queen/high maintenance" to me. Why on earth is she giving this much thought to what a casual acquaintance thinks of her? She definitely seems unreasonable to me - but not so far as "don't engage the crazy". So, if you don't want a friendship or closer relationship with this girl, then I say act exactly as you have been: friendly, but a little distant. If she ever confronts you, just explain exactly as you did here: "I only use Facebook for people I'm actively keeping in touch with and hanging out with. I'm sorry you got the wrong impression, but it was unintentional. Bean dip?"

But if you do want to be friends with her, I'd say re-add her on Facebook and send her a short message: "Hey, Friend - Just FYI, I only use Facebook for people I'm actively keeping in touch with. Sorry I defriended you too hastily before, but I didn't think we could be in contact. I'm glad to be seeing you around more. Can't wait for the party!"

jimithing

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Re: No, I don't "hate" you because I defriended you.
« Reply #2 on: June 03, 2012, 02:05:37 PM »
To be fair to Lexie, it sounds like she told her friend/roommate something in confidence, which she then broke. It doesn't sound like she is going around to everyone complaining about how mean you are. I don't see how she is really being crazy or a drama llama.

I know lots of people feel hurt to be unfriended, whether reasonable or not, and I don't think it's all that unreasonable to wonder if she did something wrong or if it was personal.

I do agree with the PP who said that it depends on what you want. Since she is in your social circle, it might not hurt to just send her a quick email letting her know that you are paring down your Friend list, etc.

Two Ravens

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Re: No, I don't "hate" you because I defriended you.
« Reply #3 on: June 03, 2012, 02:10:34 PM »
Yes, I would wonder why Jamie felt the need to share this with you. Was her goal just to stir up drama, or to get you to know Lexie's feelings?

O'Dell

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Re: No, I don't "hate" you because I defriended you.
« Reply #4 on: June 03, 2012, 02:46:11 PM »
I can see why Lexie might be questioning what is going on. Maybe not to the extent of assuming that you "hate" her, but it doesn't seem odd doesn't it? The whole FB defriending and not talking to her much when you see her. I think this could have been avoided (and can be avoided in the future) by setting a higher bar for people you *friend* on FB. If you have a high bar for keeping a person on your friends list, then have it the same level when you add them to the list so you don't have to cull them and possibly make things awkward.

Going forward, I think you should make an effort to chat and be friendly with Lexie when you see her. You don't have to be her best friend, but I do think it would be best to not let on that you know all this and try to correct her impression through your actions. So be friendly, make an effort to chat with her as if none of the weirdness happened. Her actions are weird enough that you may not want to become best buds with her.

And in the meantime...don't tell Jamie any secrets and don't accept her word for Lexie's feelings. If she broke Lexie's confidence, then she may also not be the most accurate source of the info.
 
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Zilla

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Re: No, I don't "hate" you because I defriended you.
« Reply #5 on: June 03, 2012, 03:27:12 PM »
Being that this whole thing was supposed to be a confidence, I would say nothing as to give it away that you found out.


I would instead tell your friend the truth.  That you had little or no contact with Lexie and simply thought she wasn't interested in pursuing a friendship.  I agree with O'Dell that in the future, only accept ones that you are going to actively pursue and not just accept for the sake of accepting and hoping they will be a friend to you and post to you.  It goes both ways.




TheVapors

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Re: No, I don't "hate" you because I defriended you.
« Reply #6 on: June 03, 2012, 10:37:11 PM »
This is all second-hand information that wasn't supposed to be shared in the first place, so I say it's best to not change a thing. If you're being friendly, then continue to be friendly without pressure. You might get to know her better, and who knows, eventually friend her for real. Or maybe not.

I can imagine how Lexie vented in the first place. Probably not obsessed in the least, but rather wondering if she did something wrong in a curious way. Definitely does not sound crazy, and does not sound like an overreaction. Merely a wondering-type conversation that was intended to be between friends.

If it makes you feel better, you can always talk to her for an extra five minutes the next time you see her. But, I think that if you're genuine, and nice as usual then things will be perfectly fine.

Shoo

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Re: No, I don't "hate" you because I defriended you.
« Reply #7 on: June 03, 2012, 11:41:30 PM »
I don't think there's anything crazy about the way Lexi might be feeling.  You were acquaintances, then FB friends, and then in a relatively quick turn-around, you defriended her.  I think a lot of people might have been at least confused by that, and even hurt a little, especially since you seemed to be moving in the same circles.

I had a neighbor defriend me for unknown reasons.  Although I didn't hang out with her at all, and only saw her around the neighborhood, I thought we were friendly, and we chatted when we saw each other.  That's FB worthy, in my book, so it stung a little to me. I can definitely undertand how Lexi was feeling.

TootsNYC

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Re: No, I don't "hate" you because I defriended you.
« Reply #8 on: June 04, 2012, 03:22:25 PM »

Going forward, I think you should make an effort to chat and be friendly with Lexie when you see her. You don't have to be her best friend, but I do think it would be best to not let on that you know all this and try to correct her impression through your actions. So be friendly, make an effort to chat with her as if none of the weirdness happened. Her actions are weird enough that you may not want to become best buds with her.

And in the meantime...don't tell Jamie any secrets and don't accept her word for Lexie's feelings. If she broke Lexie's confidence, then she may also not be the most accurate source of the info.

I'm just going to sit here by O'Dell and nod vigorously.

shivering

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Re: No, I don't "hate" you because I defriended you.
« Reply #9 on: June 05, 2012, 07:40:05 PM »
Jamie may have already said something back to Lexie. But in the future, I would just act normal toward her and not say anything unless she brings it up. Lexie doesn't seem to be making a big deal about it; she's just unsure and talked about it with the mutual friend you have in common.

It sounds like you were the one who made the initial friend request. Not that you did anything wrong, but I understand why she's confused. You met, you got along, you reached out and friended her and then later, defriended her and she's thinking, "LadyL liked me enough to friend me when she barely knew me, I must've done something to upset her and cause her to remove me from her friends list."

The best advice is what's been mentioned. Don't worry about it; but in the future be more cautious with friending people until getting to know them better.

In regards to Jamie, I know that she wasn't supposed to get involved, but as the mutual connection, I can see why she'd want to know if there was an issue or misunderstanding of some sort (i.e.,should she not bring Lexie around when seeing you).

NotTheNarcissist

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Re: No, I don't "hate" you because I defriended you.
« Reply #10 on: June 06, 2012, 12:43:53 AM »
You've gotten great advice OP. I just wanted to add in case you didn't know there are apps that monitor your friends list & advise when someone unfriended you. Unfriendfinder is one. It will even tell if the person unfriended or deactivated, & if you send a friend request it tells if the person clicked to ignore it. Some app like that is probably how she knew you unfriended her.

wheeitsme

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Re: No, I don't "hate" you because I defriended you.
« Reply #11 on: June 06, 2012, 06:03:52 PM »
Hmmm.  I'm going to maybe go against the stream here.

I don't see anything wrong with talking to Lexie directly about this.  "But, wait" (you say) "Lexie told Jamie in confidence".  Yes she did.   And Jamie broke that confidence.  I don't believe you are bound by an extension of that broken confidence.

I kind of understand where Lexie is coming from.  If you "friended" me and then "de-friended" me I wouldn't necessarily think you "hate" me, but it might make me believe that you didn't really want to be friends and I'd be hesitant about any potential friendship.  I might even start wondering why you didn't want to be friends.   (I once had a friendship go sour, and I wondered why.  I later found out that the most outrageous reason I thought of was actually the real reason.  Everybody I knew thought that the person was crazy to think what they did, but it was real to them.)

I believe it would be perfectly acceptable to draw Lexie aside the next time you see her and let her know that your Facebook friends list is not a reflection of your interaction with your real life friends.  Not only will that solve the issue right there, but it will also give Lexie the "heads-up" not to confide anything she really cares about to Jamie.

My 2cents.