Really startled me; what can I say if it happens again?

[Cutenoob]

OK:
There are some days he take it to his room. Others where he doesn't. Not consistent. Yes, it's shared, but Kenny and I are the only people that read it. Seriously. He's left it on the table, I read it, fold it back up, all done.
I don't plan on touching it again, now that she's said that; I was/am asking if someone/anyone reaches RIGHT PAST ME in my space to grab whatever I'm using...is that rude (yes) what do I do (learning that here). Whether it's the newspaper or the bottle of dishsoap for the kitchen or the wooden spoon that was in the kitchen drawer and I'm now cooking with...what to do when/if that happens.
I really don't plan on talking to her; she comes off as condescending (probably because she was in a rush, I'm not sure). But learning a good phrase to say helps. Because, you never know when someone's going to do that.
Again, she comes here to get his mail and the paper. If he WAS here, he'd do it himself. I've said earlier, his disability is flaring up, he's not here.

@ Toots: Learning to accept this/let go isn't easy. Because I was questioning my own self, not really understanding her and not sure on how to act, those thoughts stay there until really answered or really thought through. Because this isn't something I've had happen before, and I'm really unsure about social skills, I have to ask about this.

And, yes, I've figured out that this isn't a battle do die for. I knew that when I started this thread. What I was asking/have been asking for is What To Do When This Happens Somewhere. I'm not going to war with her about this stuff, never planned on it. But since I'm so socially inept (in person..online I'm ok-ish) I need help in deciphering/break down situations. That helps me for any/next time something like this happens, and I know that I'm ok. (Because I'd probably stand up and say WHAT THE FROOGLES ARE YOU DOING) next time someone grabbed what I was doing, and I'd not learned... I don't know how else to explain how crappy I am with social stuff. Realllly crappy.
She struck me as rude becuase she broke the personal space thing and grabbed from my hands. The next step was foreign to me. And, is/was it rude for me to speak up if/when that happens again (something in future, not the newspaper). That's what I'm shooting for to learn.

[Cutenoob]

Looking back at your updated OP:

Ok. Whether or not I did something wrong, I don't care.

I think the above sentence pretty much sums up how you got into this situation in the first place.

The woman in question should have asked more nicely, but you are 100% in the wrong here. And it sounds like you don't care and plan to do it again.

Penelope: No, I don't plan to do this again. Please, read after that bolded statement. I'm asking - ok, she did X= grabby. Was that rude? And IF X happens again with another person/place/thing/situation, what to do?
That's what I'm going for. How to/if possible get statement to her that what she is doing is not cool.  Because, again, I could be using something that's common - a stock pot in our kitchen. That nobody has said to not use - and people besides me have used it. Does that make sense?

[Red1979]

Here's the thing though, if you are using something that you are allowed to use this situation is most likely not going to happen again.  It will be very rare for adults to grab things that belong to you right out of your hands.  The mother is reacting this way because she thinks you are stealing.

If the rare situation arises where someone snatches something from you, politely say "Excuse me I was using the XYZ."  If it's a shared resource you can add "You can use it as soon as I'm done."  If it belongs to you solely, you can decide if you want to share or not, and indicate accordingly.

If a child grabs something from you, you can politely instruct them that it's not okay to snatch things and that they need to ask if they want to use/borrow something.

[AustenFan]

Looking back at your updated OP:

First, it's never been said that nobody else can read the paper.

This tells me Kenny never gave permission. He just didn't tell you not to. Do you specifically have to tell all your neighbors that your items are not communal? Can someone open your mail or go in and use your television because you never told them not to? This is not an invitation for people to use other people's items. You ask permission first. Not wait for someone to tell you to stop.


Second, where the heck did she learn that you can take something from right under their nose as they're using it??

Probably from the "You don't just take and use something that belongs to you without permission" school. You're using HER item. If someone is using something that belongs to me, I will absolutely take it from them while they're using it. You're saying she should give you the convenience of waiting around while using something you do not own or have not paid for, that she/her family has, until you're finished with it? I am really having trouble with your reasoning here. What gives you that right?

Ok. Whether or not I did something wrong, I don't care.

I think the above sentence pretty much sums up how you got into this situation in the first place.

The woman in question should have asked more nicely, but you are 100% in the wrong here. And it sounds like you don't care and plan to do it again.

I absolutely agree with everything you have said, but the third point was there yesterday when I read the OP, it's not a sentiment new to today's revision. I think the bolding is new.

This isn't a situation that should ever come up again as long as OP understands that people owe her no more respect then she is willing to give them or their belongings.

[fountainof]

It doesn't sound like the paper is communal but only a paper that Kenny sometimes shares.  I do think it was rude to grab it but I also think it was rude to decline passing it over to Kenny's mom when she requested it.  I think when you are using someone else's property you return on their schedule not yours.

ETA:  What would I say in the future?  I would say "I'm sorry, Kenny usually lets me read the paper, here you go" before she grabbed it.  If she just grabbed it I would say, "No need to grab it.  I'm sorry Kenny usually lets me read it, here you go".  I wouldn't be rude back and I would not instist on giving it back after I was done because it is not my property, I was just borrowing it.

[LadyL]

There are some days he take it to his room. Others where he doesn't. Not consistent. Yes, it's shared, but Kenny and I are the only people that read it. Seriously. He's left it on the table, I read it, fold it back up, all done.

Do you have an explicit agreement about the shared newspaper, as in have you had a discussion with Kenny about it or is this a behavior you adopted and he went along with? Even if you do have an agreement, his mom may not know about it.

Keep in mind that if he has a disability, and his condition flared up and he is getting treatment (I assume that's where he is - in the hospital), his mom may be the one managing all his affairs. That can be EXTREMELY stressful, so to walk in and see some random person (you) using his stuff might have set her off. Given the relaxed/non-traditional living situation, I'm wondering if she was a little bit protective/momma bear-ish because she feels her son is being taken advantage of.

I'm not saying she's right or that she wasn't rude, just that the unusual living situation makes this different than if you and her were housemates at the same kitchen table or something, KWIM?

[Ehelldame]

OK:
There are some days he take it to his room. Others where he doesn't. Not consistent. Yes, it's shared, but Kenny and I are the only people that read it. Seriously. He's left it on the table, I read it, fold it back up, all done.

What I was asking/have been asking for is What To Do When This Happens Somewhere. I'm not going to war with her about this stuff, never planned on it. But since I'm so socially inept (in person..online I'm ok-ish) I need help in deciphering/break down situations. That helps me for any/next time something like this happens, and I know that I'm ok. (Because I'd probably stand up and say WHAT THE FROOGLES ARE YOU DOING) next time someone grabbed what I was doing, and I'd not learned... I don't know how else to explain how crappy I am with social stuff. Realllly crappy.
She struck me as rude becuase she broke the personal space thing and grabbed from my hands. The next step was foreign to me. And, is/was it rude for me to speak up if/when that happens again (something in future, not the newspaper). That's what I'm shooting for to learn.

What to say when it happens again.....First, embrace the perspective that if you do not own something you have no rights to it whatsoever. No touching, no using, nothing.   Second, if you are caught using something you do not own, promptly apologize profusely and restore the item to its original condition.

I think the key is what you've written above that I have underlined.  Previously Kenny would retrieve his newspaper, read it and leave it for others to read.    He had "first dibs" on reading his newspaper and left it for others when he was finished.   You, however, appear to have taken the newspaper from the mail pile and usurped Key's right of ownership to a pristine newspaper by treating it like it was yours to do with as you pleased.   I can well imagine his mother firmly removing the newspaper from your hands because she perceives you as meddling with Kenny's belongings and possibly his mail, too.

You are creating a whole lot of drama over a 25 cent newspaper. Get your own and the issue magically disappears.

[Zilla]

Your screen name invoked some memory of your previous posts.  In light of them, I can understand a bit better why it happens to you that people yank things from you.  (living in an assisted facility)


I would tell them firmly, "Please ask for the items first, I will give it to you.  Please don't grab them from my hands."  If it belonged to you entirely.


If it was communal or borrowed, "I didn't realize this wasn't mine to use, but please ask for it back.  I will gladly give it back to you."

[Only me]

HI CN,

After reading all the response, I see you're only asking how to handle this it the future. You know when someone invades your space.
I do think that the mom was rude to just grab it, no matter what the arrangement was.

I think someone suggested politely say "Please don't grab it from me, I was going to give it back".

Onlyme

[Decimus]

The thing that struck me is this -- snatching the paper out of your hands has a very, very high likelihood of ripping the paper (leaving you holding two scraps).  I think it is fair to say "I'm sorry, but I'd be happy/have been happy to give you the item, and that way there is less risk of accidental damage."  Or something along those lines, I'm not always that great at phrasing.  But I think it's fair to point out snatching the item isn't just rude, it can actually lead to more problems than just asking for return.

It's really the same with anything else.  If Person A is about to ladle soup and Person B snatches the ladle, there's a good chance the startled A will knock the pot/bowl over just out of a combination of surprise and momentum.

[Nuala]

Cutenoob,

Is Kenny unwell and not at home?  I ask because his mother is picking up his mail and you haven't spoken to him about the newspaper.

If he is unwell, perhaps she is worried about him and that's why she feels proprietary about his belongings.  I don't think that absolves her of her grabby behavior, but may explain it.

Should someone try to grab something out of your hands again, you can calmly and firmly say, "Excuse me.  If you'd just ask, I'd be happy to give it to you."  Then rinse and repeat, as Toots likes to say. 

"Hey, that's my doll!"  Grab
"Excuse me.  If you'd just ask, I'd be happy to give it to you."
"But it's mmyyyy doll!"
"Yes, it is. If you'd just ask, I'd be happy to give it to you."
"I don't want you playing with my doll!"
"Okay. If you'd just ask, I'd be happy to give it to you."

[DottyG]

"Hey, that's my doll!"  Grab
"Excuse me.  If you'd just ask, I'd be happy to give it to you."
"But it's mmyyyy doll!"
"Yes, it is. If you'd just ask, I'd be happy to give it to you."
"I don't want you playing with my doll!"
"Okay. If you'd just ask, I'd be happy to give it to you."

I disagree on the "rinse and repeat" on this one.  After the first "I'd be happy to give it to you", anything more is just rudeness on the other end.  Doing a rinse and repeat like the above just makes the non-doll owner sound kinda weird.  If I were a bystander to the above, I'd be thinking, "just hand over the doll already.  Quick being a jerk!"  No need to go into so many extra steps there.

[penelope2017]

"Hey, that's my doll!"  Grab
"Excuse me.  If you'd just ask, I'd be happy to give it to you."
"But it's mmyyyy doll!"
"Yes, it is. If you'd just ask, I'd be happy to give it to you."
"I don't want you playing with my doll!"
"Okay. If you'd just ask, I'd be happy to give it to you."

I disagree on the "rinse and repeat" on this one.  After the first "I'd be happy to give it to you", anything more is just rudeness on the other end.  Doing a rinse and repeat like the above just makes the non-doll owner sound kinda weird.  Just hand over the doll already.  No need to go into so many extra steps there.

Seriously. It is the other person's doll. She shouldn't have to ask for it back in the first place. No one asked if they could take it.

[DottyG]

You do have a good point, P.

[Shoo]

I think that if something like this happens again, Cutenoob, about the only thing you can say that won't make the situation worse is, "Oh, I'm sorry.  Here you go." and hand the paper (or whatever it is) over.  Explaining (or trying to make someone understand) that if they'd simply *asked* for said item, instead of grabbing it, will, unfortunately, be an exercise in futility.  Anyone who would just reach across you and grab an item out of your hands most likely would not be open to receiving constructive criticism, no matter how badly they need it.