General Etiquette > Family and Children
How to broach a difficult topic - Update pg 3, post #31.
VltGrantham:
My Mom is almost 70 and has a small dog, Sissy, that is 15 years old. Sissy is practically incontinent and continually uses the house as her restroom despite the best efforts of my Mom to get her outside during the day several times. (Doggie diapers do not work.)
Additionally, Sissy, who has had a hard time walking over the past year or so, can barely stand on her own anymore. Mom must help her up at least 60% of the time, if not more. If Mom isn't there, she yelps, cries, and barks for help. She has now developed some kind of sour smell but neither myself, my brother, or my Mom know where this is coming from. And her medications, especially for my Mom's fixed income, are becoming prohibitively expensive. Mom is now paying close to $200 a month in meds for her which seem to make her no better. She has dementia (never knew dogs could get that) and gets caught up in furniture, small places, or just stands staring into corners for hours at a time.
Mom must frequently bathe her since she falls down in her own waste frequently and has to sit with her at meal times because she will fall down into her bowls and spill the food everywhere.
On Saturday, I took my Mom to the video store. Mom, who was a prolific smoker, has very little sense of smell. I smelled something before we got in the car, but once inside, particularly with the windows up, it was over-powering. It smelled sour, just awful. First I started checking my shoes to make sure I hadn't inadvertently wandered through a pile without noticing it (though my Mom is good about picking up after her) and asked Mom to check hers. I finally ascertained that the smell was coming from my Mother's clothing, where the dog had recently been sitting. I felt like a jerk, but I had to put the windows down--the smell was THAT strong. And it made me wonder, how many times has Mom gone out in public like that without being aware that her odor was so bad.
My concerns are for my Mom's health mainly. Sissy is heavy (about 25 pounds) and Mom has to struggle to lift her. This means carrying her in and out of the house several times a day since she cannot navigate the 4 steps from the house to back yard and getting her into the tub to wash her off whenever she has wet herself. Since the dog wets and defecates all over the house, though Mom makes every effort to clean up, a lot of these accidents happen on carpeted areas. It drives me crazy because DD is fond of rolling around on the floor and I'm sure despite Mom's best efforts that the floors aren't clean. I have no idea what might be on her clothing or bed sheets.
And since Sissy isn't really "all there" anymore, she's taken to standing behind Mom's footing, in major walk-ways, etc. I've tripped over her myself a dozen times and Mom has nearly fallen several times as well. If she fell, I'm sure she'd break a few bones and perhaps be bed-ridden for several weeks, if not months.
Even my Dad (they're divorced) thinks it's time to put the dog to sleep--both for her benefit and Mom's. I can't see that Sissy really has any quality of life anymore. She doesn't seem to be in pain that much, except when trying to get up, etc. and I'm worried a lot about the drain on my Mom both physically and financially. We've made offers to help with her medications and food (which Mom cooks herself) but she has refused our offers. When Dad broached the subject with her, all she would say is "well, I'm glad you're not in charge of my health. If I got alzheimers would you put me down?"
I don't feel like the argument is the same really. Mom is talking about her dog versus a human. And I know she loves her, we all do, especially DD, but I just worry about my Mom.
Is there a polite way to have this conversation? Should I just zip it?
AmethystAnne:
Hugs to your Mom, because of her difficult decision coming up. Taking a beloved pet on it's last trip to the vet's office is a hard thing to do.
Bring up your concerns as the opportunity arises. For example, Sissy standing behind people is scary. Bring that up as it happens. Etc.
After you got out of the car with your Mom, was she aware that the sour smell came from her clothing?
Girlie:
What a difficult situation for you! I'm so sorry that you are going through this with your mom and Sissy. :(
My question is, when was the last time Sissy went to the vet? Because if she's in such a poor state, I can't imagine that a vet wouldn't recommend letting her go easily. If she's been recently, are you entirely sure that the vet knows the whole story? I would think the vet could explain the situation best from a purely "what's best for Sissy" point of view.
That being said, is there any chance that your grandmom might just be afraid of being alone? My mom's biggest fear when she retired was that she would become the kind of person who sat at home and became "useless." Perhaps the assurance that she could have another dog (maybe an adult dog from a shelter or rescue group? There are dogs that they actually recommend for seniors) to care for, or encouragement to focus on other things she has going on in her life? I don't know if any of that applies to your mother, but maybe it's something to think about.
RingTailedLemur:
Honestly, I don't think there is any way to say, in essence, "I think it's time your dog died".
Given that your dad has already broached the subject, and your mum refused completely and got upset, I don't think there is anything to be gained by raising the issue again.
VltGrantham:
--- Quote --- After you got out of the car with your Mom, was she aware that the sour smell came from her clothing?
--- End quote ---
She was aware during the ride because I explained why I was having to put the windows down instead of just using the AC. Mom frequently asks me to "sniff" the house for her and let her know how bad it smells. For the most part, the house doesn't smell bad all that often. I know almost instantly when Sissy has an accident though. However, this is a new odor, and I have no idea what's causing it.
--- Quote ---My question is, when was the last time Sissy went to the vet? Because if she's in such a poor state, I can't imagine that a vet wouldn't recommend letting her go easily. If she's been recently, are you entirely sure that the vet knows the whole story? I would think the vet could explain the situation best from a purely "what's best for Sissy" point of view.
--- End quote ---
Mom takes her to the vet and for grooming on a regular basis. That's one of the things that I'm also concerned about. The vet just keeps prescribing these meds--which as I mentioned are quite expensive--and treatments (i.e., acupuncture). The dog can barely walk at this point and if she stumbles over the slightest thing (such as stepping too close to the flower bed where the ground dips) she immediately falls over. I'm almost beginning to wonder if the vet is not telling Mom to let her go because she's making a lot of money from her right now. Between meds, grooming, and veterinary visits, plus special shampoo for her skin issues, etc., I would be willing to bet that Mom is spending well over $300 a month, not including food on the dog. And she's made it clear that once the dog goes, there will be no others because she can't afford them.
--- Quote ---That being said, is there any chance that your mom might just be afraid of being alone? My mom's biggest fear when she retired was that she would become the kind of person who sat at home and became "useless." Perhaps the assurance that she could have another dog (maybe an adult dog from a shelter or rescue group? There are dogs that they actually recommend for seniors) to care for, or encouragement to focus on other things she has going on in her life? I don't know if any of that applies to your mother, but maybe it's something to think about.
--- End quote ---
I think Mom is very attached to her and will miss her a lot--especially now that she has an empty nest. However, we live fairly close, see her on an almost daily basis, and DD spends the night with her at least once a week. Plus, she's already said she'd like to get more involved with church activities, but can't until the dog passes away, because she can't leave her alone for longer than an hour or so.
DH and I have even told her that she is welcome to move in with us once Sissy goes. We offered to extend our garage and build her a private MIL suite. DH promised he wouldn't let DD or I drive her crazy all the time. We'd knock, etc., she wouldn't have to pay rent or utilities. All she'd have to cover is her own living expenses (i.e., food, etc.) and even that we'd take care of if she needed it. She has said that she's seriously considering it as her home and yard are too much to maintain for just one person.
--- Quote ---Given that your dad has already broached the subject, and your mum refused completely and got upset, I don't think there is anything to be gained by raising the issue again.
--- End quote ---
I see your point--I'm just incredibly worried. With this new symptom (the odor) I'm very nervous that Mom (or even us when we visit, particularly DD) could contact something awful. And having tripped over Sissie again myself yesterday and then watching Mom do it later that afternoon (she'd had fallen to the ground if it hadn't happened near the stove where she was able to catch herself and what if she'd had something cooking?) are the reasons I'm tempted to bring it up again.
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