Author Topic: Disclosure etiquette  (Read 20655 times)

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TurtleDove

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Re: Disclosure etiquette
« Reply #30 on: June 05, 2012, 04:38:26 PM »
Oh, of course. If the marriage is over in every way but on paper, I've got no problem with that. It's becoming a party in someone's current relationship I object to.

And to withold the relationship status from someone you are dating is not a good way to start a relationship - I think being currently married, even if only on paper, is something that absolutely must be disclosed up front.

MariaE

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Re: Disclosure etiquette
« Reply #31 on: June 05, 2012, 04:41:01 PM »
Oh, of course. If the marriage is over in every way but on paper, I've got no problem with that. It's becoming a party in someone's current relationship I object to.

And to withold the relationship status from someone you are dating is not a good way to start a relationship - I think being currently married, even if only on paper, is something that absolutely must be disclosed up front.

I agree with is. In fact, it would be a dealbreaker to me if this wasn't disclosed at the latest while the first date was being arranged.
 
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spaceheatersusan

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Re: Disclosure etiquette
« Reply #32 on: June 05, 2012, 04:50:19 PM »
My fiance (will be husband in 11 days :-D) told me on our first date.  But he also has a child with her, which he told me on our first date as well.  I think it's good to get that information out of the way right at the beginning
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WillyNilly

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Re: Disclosure etiquette
« Reply #33 on: June 05, 2012, 05:05:24 PM »
Oh, of course. If the marriage is over in every way but on paper, I've got no problem with that. It's becoming a party in someone's current relationship I object to.

And to withold the relationship status from someone you are dating is not a good way to start a relationship - I think being currently married, even if only on paper, is something that absolutely must be disclosed up front.

I agree with is. In fact, it would be a dealbreaker to me if this wasn't disclosed at the latest while the first date was being arranged.

A potential date being married - regardless of separated, in the process of divorce, etc - would be an absolute dealbreaker for me and I would need to know that before any date, or quite honestly before any extensive communication-in-relation-to-dating occurred. 

If such information was disclosed I would decline the date, but could still remain friendly
If such information was withheld and I found out later, the relationship and any potential friendship would be over forever.

blarg314

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Re: Disclosure etiquette
« Reply #34 on: June 05, 2012, 09:09:24 PM »

Currently legally married is something that should be disclosed *before* the first date. Some people won't care, but for a lot of people it's a walk out of the date as soon as you find out deal-breaker, even when it's the 'Well, we're still married on paper, but the marriage is totally over, I promise' variety. I wouldn't go on a first date with someone who was legally married, no matter the circumstances, other people are free to if they want.

Children (including non custodial) and previous marriages should be brought up during the 'getting to know you' phase, when you're going on dates, but before becoming exclusive/established.  Also in the 'need to know before getting too serious' category are sexual orientation and gender, mental illnesses and addiction (current or past), and criminal records. STD status should be revealed before becoming intimate (and while ripping each other's clothes off does not count as 'before').  These are all major things that can seriously affect a relationship, and may be deal breakers, or at least deal changers, for many people.

And I don't think "you didn't ask" is a good excuse. If that's the reason for not telling about a previous marriage even though they are engaged, I think it would be good to put the engagement on hold while you come up with a list of other things that you haven't asked about but may be important.

Winterlight

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Re: Disclosure etiquette
« Reply #35 on: June 05, 2012, 09:34:26 PM »
Yes, Alice should have voluntarily disclosed it. In a situation where two people love and trust eachother enough to be getting married the onus shouldn't be on one party asking every question under the sun to get the other parties information.

If I were Robert I would seriously be wondering what else wasn't a big enough deal to mention and why my (possible) future brides "don't ask don't tell" policy is more secretive then the military's.

Agreed. I would have thought that was something my partner would disclose on their own before we got anywhere near considering marriage. I mean, I wouldn't ask someone if they had had a kidney transplant, either, but that's something your partner should be telling you without being prompted.
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LifeOnPluto

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Re: Disclosure etiquette
« Reply #36 on: June 05, 2012, 11:23:04 PM »
I think the onus was on Alice to tell Robert, rather than for Robert to ask. And I think Alice should have told Robert early on in the dating process (not necessarily on the first date though).

For many people, dating a divorcee is a deal-breaker, regardless of how long ago the divorce was. So I think it's only fair to both parties that such information is disclosed early on.

Mikayla

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Re: Disclosure etiquette
« Reply #37 on: June 06, 2012, 11:32:20 AM »
Frankly, "You didn't ask" is a patently ridiculous answer. We aren't talking about whether Alice ever owned a pair of red shoes or had been to Hawaii. I'm sure Robert also didn't think to ask whether Alice had a life-threatening condition, a peanut allergy, or children - under the assumption that these are important enough to volunteer.

We can't think of everything to ask - we assume that, over the course of getting to know someone, we will find these things out, particularly if we are discussing marriage.

I would really have to step back and think long and hard if I was in Robert's shoes. Not because Alice was divorced, but because she felt the need to hide it. I would wonder what else she was hiding.

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I also have to confess I'm not a fan of whirlwind romances, and this is one reason why.  It isn't just the lack of full disclosure of certain facts; it's that there's no context to put that in.  That heightens the risk factor for Robert, because of course he'd wonder what else was out there.

If they had been dating 18 months, this may not be as big a concern. 

I know, I'm insanely old fashioned :)

Sterling

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Re: Disclosure etiquette
« Reply #38 on: June 06, 2012, 01:59:38 PM »
I got married at 19 and divorced a year later.  We didn't own anything or have childre.  there were no hard feelings but we also didn't keep in touch afterwards and I have no idea where he is today.  That said it still came up fairly early in any relationship I had.  Maybe not right off the bat but generally with in a few months I would mention my ex-husband for some reason.  I think actively trying to not talk about having been married before or not saying anything unless asked directly makes it seem as though you are trying to hide something.
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auntmeegs

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Re: Disclosure etiquette
« Reply #39 on: June 06, 2012, 05:26:01 PM »
I think the onus was on Alice to tell Robert, rather than for Robert to ask. And I think Alice should have told Robert early on in the dating process (not necessarily on the first date though).

For many people, dating a divorcee is a deal-breaker, regardless of how long ago the divorce was. So I think it's only fair to both parties that such information is disclosed early on.
[/b]

I agree that it should be disclosed as soon as possible, but this reason doesn't really make any sense.  There are tons of things that you might not find out until a few dates in or even later that could be deal breakers.  That's the point of the dating period. 

purplemuse

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Re: Disclosure etiquette
« Reply #40 on: June 06, 2012, 06:41:27 PM »
I think the onus was on Alice to tell Robert, rather than for Robert to ask. And I think Alice should have told Robert early on in the dating process (not necessarily on the first date though).

For many people, dating a divorcee is a deal-breaker, regardless of how long ago the divorce was. So I think it's only fair to both parties that such information is disclosed early on.
[/b]

I agree that it should be disclosed as soon as possible, but this reason doesn't really make any sense.  There are tons of things that you might not find out until a few dates in or even later that could be deal breakers.  That's the point of the dating period.

IMO, when you present yourself as being available for dating, there is a strong implication is that you're single-- I would expect not dating anyone else, but definitely not married-- to the point where if you are married, I, and (I think) most other people would consider asking someone out without disclosing that marital status as being deceitful.

Religion, kids, smoking, etc... none of those potential dealbreakers are indicated just by asking someone out.

whiterose

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Re: Disclosure etiquette
« Reply #41 on: June 06, 2012, 09:32:14 PM »
Not to derail my own thread, but is discussing marriage after 6 months of dating really a whirlwind courtship?

I would have thought that whirlwind courtships would be more like getting married after 3 months of dating- 6 perhaps at most. But not simply discussing marriage- or even getting engaged- after 6 whole months of being a couple.

 
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AustenFan

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Re: Disclosure etiquette
« Reply #42 on: June 06, 2012, 09:47:16 PM »
If the couple has only known each other for 6 months, then in my mind that qualifies as whirlwind.  6 months experience is an incredibly short time on which to base a decision that you intend to stick with for the rest of your life.

If they have been friends for more then a couple years prior to dating then for me that changes things, but if we are still talking about Alice and Robert they obviously haven't known each other for years or her would already know about her divorce.


WillyNilly

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Re: Disclosure etiquette
« Reply #43 on: June 07, 2012, 12:12:48 AM »
I think at 6 months its pretty on target but on the early end of th spectrum to start discussing the direction of the relationship, which might include "are we on a mariage track" and "how far along until we talk marriage?" But I think actually seriously planning for a wedding, getting engaged, etc, 6 months is pretty whirlwind.

I know there are groups and religions that have very quick engagements and marriages... but then I would think religious folks would consider knowledge about a divorce to be very important.

auntmeegs

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Re: Disclosure etiquette
« Reply #44 on: June 07, 2012, 09:43:12 AM »
I think the onus was on Alice to tell Robert, rather than for Robert to ask. And I think Alice should have told Robert early on in the dating process (not necessarily on the first date though).

For many people, dating a divorcee is a deal-breaker, regardless of how long ago the divorce was. So I think it's only fair to both parties that such information is disclosed early on.
[/b]

I agree that it should be disclosed as soon as possible, but this reason doesn't really make any sense.  There are tons of things that you might not find out until a few dates in or even later that could be deal breakers.  That's the point of the dating period.

IMO, when you present yourself as being available for dating, there is a strong implication is that you're single-- I would expect not dating anyone else, but definitely not married-- to the point where if you are married, I, and (I think) most other people would consider asking someone out without disclosing that marital status as being deceitful.
Religion, kids, smoking, etc... none of those potential dealbreakers are indicated just by asking someone out.

Ok, but Alice is not still married.