Author Topic: Disclosure etiquette  (Read 20758 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

purplemuse

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5851
  • This is going to be super special awesome!
Re: Disclosure etiquette
« Reply #45 on: June 07, 2012, 10:08:52 AM »
I think the onus was on Alice to tell Robert, rather than for Robert to ask. And I think Alice should have told Robert early on in the dating process (not necessarily on the first date though).

For many people, dating a divorcee is a deal-breaker, regardless of how long ago the divorce was. So I think it's only fair to both parties that such information is disclosed early on.
[/b]

I agree that it should be disclosed as soon as possible, but this reason doesn't really make any sense.  There are tons of things that you might not find out until a few dates in or even later that could be deal breakers.  That's the point of the dating period.

IMO, when you present yourself as being available for dating, there is a strong implication is that you're single-- I would expect not dating anyone else, but definitely not married-- to the point where if you are married, I, and (I think) most other people would consider asking someone out without disclosing that marital status as being deceitful.
Religion, kids, smoking, etc... none of those potential dealbreakers are indicated just by asking someone out.

Ok, but Alice is not still married.

Oops; I'm sorry; I misread that-- for some reason, I thought you were talking about people still legally married. That's what I get for trying to multitask...

Never mind then; I agree with you.

takeheart

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 209
Re: Disclosure etiquette
« Reply #46 on: June 07, 2012, 11:29:52 AM »
If you're still legally married, regardless of how long you have been separated, it would be best to disclose the information immediately. If you are divorced, I think it would depend on the pace of the "relationship." If you're casually dating, I would wait until it got a little more serious. Speaking of any kind of marriage too soon can be a deal breaker.

I was married when I met DH. Ex-husband and I had been separated for a couple of months, but for all intensive purposes over with before then, when Sister and BIL introduced me to DH. DH thought that I was married, but I informed him before we met in person that I was still married legally. It became a moral issue for him then. We discussed what happened, why had I not filed for a divorce yet, etc. I told him that I understood if he wanted to cancel our date. He appreciated my honesty. Long story short, he didn't and we have been together for four years (married for two years)!

This topic makes me wonder how does one go about bringing up that they used to be married? Do you do the serious, "We need to talk" approach or the casual, "By the way, I used to be married" approach?

WillyNilly

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 7490
  • Mmmmm, food
    • The World as I Taste It
Re: Disclosure etiquette
« Reply #47 on: June 07, 2012, 11:34:56 AM »
This topic makes me wonder how does one go about bringing up that they used to be married? Do you do the serious, "We need to talk" approach or the casual, "By the way, I used to be married" approach?

You just slip it into conversation:

Oh you just came back from Hawaii?  I went there years ago when I was married...
The first time I had Ethiopian food was back when I was married...
MY ex-husband has a pit bull so I'm somewhat familiar with the breed...
I lived in Pittsburgh for a few years while my ex-husband finished up his degree at Carnegie Mellon...
I gave up on dating guitarists after my divorce from one...
The Courthouse?  You mean the one with the fountain in front?  Sure I've been there, I got my divorce there...

bah12

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5232
Re: Disclosure etiquette
« Reply #48 on: June 07, 2012, 09:55:39 PM »
Still legally married should be disclosed ASAP.

As for the rest, I wouldn't say that it has to be immediate, but I can't imagine ever getting to the point in a relationship where marriage is discussed without your SO knowing about significant parts of your life...like previous marriages.

As a matter of fact, I would be wary of someone who didn't mention it that deep into a relationship or if they chose to disclose it to me only because it's something I could find concrete evidence of.
Previous marriages, in most cases, aren't even close to deal breakers (I guess there are those out there), so I don't know why it wouldn't be mentioned.  It may be awkward to blurt out, but it can be mentioned casually enough.  My DH told me about his previous marriage (widowed) on our second date. 

kareng57

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 12311
Re: Disclosure etiquette
« Reply #49 on: June 07, 2012, 10:03:53 PM »
If the couple has only known each other for 6 months, then in my mind that qualifies as whirlwind.  6 months experience is an incredibly short time on which to base a decision that you intend to stick with for the rest of your life.

If they have been friends for more then a couple years prior to dating then for me that changes things, but if we are still talking about Alice and Robert they obviously haven't known each other for years or her would already know about her divorce.


I find it unfortunate that you feel that way.  Late Dh and I knew that it was right within 4 months of meeting, although the wedding was more than a year later.

And it lasted 31 years.

PaintingPastelPrincess

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3430
  • She of 3 P's
Re: Disclosure etiquette
« Reply #50 on: June 07, 2012, 10:21:27 PM »
My fiance was not married before, but he was engaged previously.  I found this out a few weeks after he proposed and about a month before we were going to see his family for the first time.  He brought it up, though; it wasn't something I'd thought to ask.  It was done in a "I want to talk to you about this, I'm not sure how to bring this up," type of talk.

Honestly, I was a bit shocked because I thought that it surely would have come up before.  It just didn't, though.  We ended up having a good talk about it, and it's all good.  My main concern was whether his family had liked her and I worried about them having liked her better than me.  It ended up being a non-issue.

MariaE

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4681
  • So many books, so little time
Re: Disclosure etiquette
« Reply #51 on: June 08, 2012, 01:09:57 AM »
If the couple has only known each other for 6 months, then in my mind that qualifies as whirlwind.  6 months experience is an incredibly short time on which to base a decision that you intend to stick with for the rest of your life.

If they have been friends for more then a couple years prior to dating then for me that changes things, but if we are still talking about Alice and Robert they obviously haven't known each other for years or her would already know about her divorce.


I find it unfortunate that you feel that way.  Late Dh and I knew that it was right within 4 months of meeting, although the wedding was more than a year later.

And it lasted 31 years.

DH and I were both hesitant to start dating, because we knew that if we did, that would be "it" for both of us, and we weren't quite sure we were ready for that. Thankfully we got over that ;)

Sometimes you just know.
 
Dane by birth, Kiwi by choice

AustenFan

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 508
Re: Disclosure etiquette
« Reply #52 on: June 08, 2012, 02:14:47 AM »
If the couple has only known each other for 6 months, then in my mind that qualifies as whirlwind.  6 months experience is an incredibly short time on which to base a decision that you intend to stick with for the rest of your life.

If they have been friends for more then a couple years prior to dating then for me that changes things, but if we are still talking about Alice and Robert they obviously haven't known each other for years or her would already know about her divorce.


I find it unfortunate that you feel that way.  Late Dh and I knew that it was right within 4 months of meeting, although the wedding was more than a year later.

And it lasted 31 years.

Why are my feelings unfortunate? I feel it's better to err on the side of caution, especially with a life changing decision. I don't see anything "unfortunate" about that.

jmarvellous

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3530
Re: Disclosure etiquette
« Reply #53 on: June 08, 2012, 01:15:41 PM »
If the couple has only known each other for 6 months, then in my mind that qualifies as whirlwind.  6 months experience is an incredibly short time on which to base a decision that you intend to stick with for the rest of your life.

If they have been friends for more then a couple years prior to dating then for me that changes things, but if we are still talking about Alice and Robert they obviously haven't known each other for years or her would already know about her divorce.


I find it unfortunate that you feel that way.  Late Dh and I knew that it was right within 4 months of meeting, although the wedding was more than a year later.

And it lasted 31 years.

Why are my feelings unfortunate? I feel it's better to err on the side of caution, especially with a life changing decision. I don't see anything "unfortunate" about that.

Not to mention AustenFan never said whirlwind=unacceptable, just that it's fast.

I agree that it's fast, probably too fast for me, but I wouldn't begrudge someone happiness if it took 2 months or 2 decades.

SuperMartianRobotGirl

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1121
Re: Disclosure etiquette
« Reply #54 on: June 08, 2012, 04:32:30 PM »
If the couple has only known each other for 6 months, then in my mind that qualifies as whirlwind.  6 months experience is an incredibly short time on which to base a decision that you intend to stick with for the rest of your life.

If they have been friends for more then a couple years prior to dating then for me that changes things, but if we are still talking about Alice and Robert they obviously haven't known each other for years or her would already know about her divorce.

I married my husband after only knowing him a couple of months, and we've been married 14 years. My parents got married 6 weeks after meeting each other and have been married just 50 years this year.

Anyway, back to the original issue. I know people who consider someone being divorced a deal breaker, although I don't understand why. But people have a right to only date/marry people who meet whatever standards they want. And also it would seem weird that it wouldn't come up in conversation over 6 months? I think that she should have found a way within the first month or so to casually bring it up in conversation. I don't she had to make a big deal over it but she probably should have found a way to say something.


I find it unfortunate that you feel that way.  Late Dh and I knew that it was right within 4 months of meeting, although the wedding was more than a year later.

And it lasted 31 years.

weeblewobble

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3342
Re: Disclosure etiquette
« Reply #55 on: June 09, 2012, 06:58:27 AM »
I have a friend whose husband died very young.  It was an incredibly tragic story, leaving my friend with two young children to raise alone.  She was completely devestated.  It took almost five years before she would even consider dating again.  When she did start dating, she didn't want to be "that girl with the tragic backstory" and make her dates feel sorry for her.  She came up with succinct answers that she could give without getting upset and then immediately follow with a question.

Date: So have you been married before?
Friend: Yes, my husband passed away five years ago in a car accident.  Have you been married before?

She didn't give a lot of details.  She didn't talk about how much she still missed him or how hard it was to raise the kids on her own.  She did still miss him and it was terribly hard raising the kids on her own, but these were not subjects she wanted to discuss with a virtual stranger.  If they went on more dates, she would introduce more information into the conversation if the date asked.


 

cicero

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 17771
Re: Disclosure etiquette
« Reply #56 on: June 09, 2012, 08:09:04 AM »
I think it should be disclosed from the beginning (eg., i would put it in my profile if i were on a dating site).

for some people - it is significant. and the not disclosing is lying by ommission (IMHO).  If i were datign someone who *didn't* disclose a past marriage - and then i found it, either by them telling me or by my going to public records - i would be wondering what else he didn't tell me and why he felt it important to keep this info from me.



If a person has previously been married (whether it ended through divorce or death of a spouse), how early should he or she disclose it to potential romantic partners?

Should he/she list it in his/her profile if on a dating site?

Should he/she disclose it on the first date?

If it was a clean/amicable divorce that was final years ago, is it ever okay to not disclose it until the other person asks?

Is it ever acceptable to not reveal from the very beginning that you are still legally married?

Should a person assume that the other person will search public records and thus assume that he/she does not have to reveal previous marriages because the other person will find out through online searches?

All of this is assuming that first marriage did not result in children, and thus there is no concrete evidence of its happening. How late is it too late to disclose a previous marriage without engaging in deceit?

            Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Weight Loss Tools

Yvaine

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8941
Re: Disclosure etiquette
« Reply #57 on: June 09, 2012, 11:57:56 AM »
If the couple has only known each other for 6 months, then in my mind that qualifies as whirlwind.  6 months experience is an incredibly short time on which to base a decision that you intend to stick with for the rest of your life.

If they have been friends for more then a couple years prior to dating then for me that changes things, but if we are still talking about Alice and Robert they obviously haven't known each other for years or her would already know about her divorce.


I find it unfortunate that you feel that way.  Late Dh and I knew that it was right within 4 months of meeting, although the wedding was more than a year later.

And it lasted 31 years.

DH and I were both hesitant to start dating, because we knew that if we did, that would be "it" for both of us, and we weren't quite sure we were ready for that. Thankfully we got over that ;)

Sometimes you just know.

There's no one formula.  :) I've seen couples get together crazy fast and have great relationships, and others that take years to finally collide in just the right way (for example, BF and I had known each other for about five years as casual acquaintances before getting together, but it took that long for us to both be in "looking for relationship" mode at the right time).

poundcake

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1156
Re: Disclosure etiquette
« Reply #58 on: June 09, 2012, 12:02:45 PM »
Quote
but for all intensive purposes

Heads up! It's "all intents and purposes." Huge grammar peeve!  ;D

Also agree to "disclose from the beginning." I would find it a red flag that someone hadn't mentioned it after the first one or two conversations or dates.

rigs32

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 524
Re: Disclosure etiquette
« Reply #59 on: June 09, 2012, 01:59:52 PM »
Everyone has different deal breakers.  I think it should be on the person who wants/needs the information to ask the question.

As an example, some people find it necessary to know their SO's number of previous scrabble partners.  Others find that question rude.

If you need to know someone's marriage history, I think you need to ask.  A quickie marriage and divorce can have a lot less impact on someone's life than a five year live in relationship that never resulted in marriage.