General Etiquette > All In A Day's Work

Telling a teen's parents their teen is up to trouble?

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TealDragon:
I've posted about it before, I teach horse riding lessons to kids. One of my students is a girl (I'll call her Kelly) of 15 and I know she's had a lot of trouble at home dealing with her parents' divorce and a remarriage and a new half-sibling. I overheard her talking to some other students about partying and underage drinking. I asked her to step into the office for a few minutes after her lesson to ask her how she's doing and she kind of broke down and started crying. She's not getting along with any of the adults in her life, her older sister moved across the country for college, her friends are all catty teenaged girls, her family is having money problems, and she feels like she always comes in last in everyone's priorities and she's incredibly unhappy. As a result, she's been hanging out with some new friends who are part of a shady crowd and she's gone to some parties recently and drank alcohol. She told me she's only had a few sips, but that's not what I heard her say to the other girls, but I have no idea if she was bluffing to them or trying to tone down the truth to me. I told her I think she should talk to her parents about getting some counseling and maybe family counseling, but she was adamant about that not being an option. She then asked me to promise not to tell anyone what she'd said. I told her I couldn't make that promise.

I'm glad that she was able to open up to me, but I'm not sure what to do with this. I definitely don't want to break her trust, but I am worried about her. Her parents just drop her off at the barn in the morning and pick her up at night and she spends most weekday evenings there as well (she does chores to pay for her lessons). At one point, she needed a new helmet and the barn owner tried to talk to them about why she needed something of higher quality and they were not receptive at all and basically didn't seem to care about her. I get the impression that if I say anything, they'll punish her severely for breaking the rules but not fix anything in the situation. If I tell the barn owner, Kelly could get kicked out of the barn (BO really disapproves of this kind of stuff and generally has a zero tolerance policy, although that is not an official rule). I'm not sure if it would be totally inappropriate to call her school and talk to her school counselor who would maybe be better able to talk to Kelly? Is it even my place to say anything to anyone? My heart just breaks for this girl, life hasn't been fair to her and I can remember being unhappy as a teenager and horses being my great escape and I really don't want to see that taken away from her If she doesn't have a positive outlet in her life, I'm afraid she'll just find negative ones.

Isometric:
I'm seeing two possible situations here, hopefully it's more the first one.

1) This girl is lonely, feeling misunderstood and neglected. What she really wants (and needs) is someone level headed, older and wiser to act as a confidant. It can mean everything to somebody with no close friends to be able to speak openly to someone. If you're happy to act as a mentor of sorts, I think it would be nice for her to have you as that person. Hopefully that's all she needs until her homelife improves.

2) If you think she is seriously drinking and acting wild for the attention, or because "the other girls are doing it" - it's a safety trumps ettiquette situation, and I think a talk with the parents needs to happen.

AustenFan:
I agree with Isometrics point #1. Since this girl doesn't fit in at home she may have been exaggerating her experience to score points with the other girls.

If you have the ability and energy to I think you should make the stable a safe place for her. You already know her home life isn't great and have seen how her parents respond when she needs something, so I wouldn't feel the least bit guilty about leaving them out of the loop. I would keep the stable owner in the loop in a general sense, let her know that due to some rough circumstances at home the stable is currently all Kelly's got and she may be taking up a bit of your time but you will make sure it doesn't affect your work or the rest of the stable.

lovepickles:
I was in a very similar situation as a teen. A teacher of mine discovered I was in possession of something I shouldn't have been and instead of contacting my father he referred me to my school's counselor. Not an academic counselor but one that is set up for drugs, violence, bullying, domestic issues, etc. I think if you make an effort to contact the school in an anonymous capacity and speak directly to the behavioral counselor about your concerns for this student you will be able to relieve the burden of informing someone and remain in her confidence. These counselors are specially trained to assist students with domestic issues, etc. From there the counselor can reach out to the student but not disclose your contact.

I just checked and even though it has been almost 20 years my old counselor is still there but in an even more robust program. I cannot stress how much that opportunity changed my life. My advice is to not tell the parents but to do a bit of research and deliver the information to a trusted school counselor that will provide therapy and assistance rather than punishment.

AustenFan:

--- Quote from: lovepickles on June 06, 2012, 02:50:12 AM ---I was in a very similar situation as a teen. A teacher of mine discovered I was in possession of something I shouldn't have been...

--- End quote ---

Based on this and your username I am forever going to picture you as having a pickle under a trench coat, wearing sneakers and sweat socks halfway up to your knees. I apologize for the thread jack, it just tickled me too much to leave it alone.

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