While I was trying to train him . . .

[camlan]

Start reading more. Read the signs at the head of every single aisle. "Henry, this is the canned soup, chili, and pickle aisle. Do you need anything here? Okay, next aisle. It's baking goods and cake mixes." And then when he wants to backtrack, tell him, no, he's already had his chance to get that.

[sevenday]

I would combine advice given to you by others.  "Henry, my schedule has changed. I can still take you to the grocery, but I can only help you for X amount of time.  I know you enjoy these trips, so I need you to help me in order to help you.  You'll need to write a list of things you need before I pick you up."  If he balks, tell him point blank you will not shop with him without a list so it's easier on both of you.  Then start making note of brands that he likes.  If he expresses that he likes Dole canned pineapple, when you get to that aisle, say something like: "Hmm, you have pineapple on your list, we're in the canned fruit aisle.  Here's the Dole pineapple, just like you had last time."  If he insists you stop to read other labels, say "We don't have time for that, Henry. What's next? Cereal? All right, this way."  When he tries to get you to read labels, refuse.  "You've gotten Y brand of this before and you liked it.  We'll get this, and if you really want to know how much sodium is in it, you'll need to ask someone else at home because we don't have time to read everything right here."

If he hasn't expressed a preference til now, oblige him with reading labels ONE TIME, and when he picks one that is acceptable - make note of brand somewhere, maybe on the shopping list itself.  On the next trip, ask him if he liked the (whatever).  Yes?  That goes on his acceptable-brand list; if no, skip it when you get to that section.  "Henry, you said you don't like this brand.  This one is pretty close to (whatever criteria he has). Let's try this."  This counts for items he gets only infrequently.  Eventually you'll have a list of acceptable items, which both helps you pare down shopping time and label reading, but also 'standardizes' things for anyone ELSE who might have to shop for him.  Snowstorm, you're stranded across town, neighbor offers to go pick up a few things - Henry can say, "I like Z brand bread, B canned mixed fruits, K pasta..." and know what to expect when those items arrive.

[camlan]

I forgot to mention--I sometimes go shopping with a friend who is blind. She sometimes doesn't know exactly what she wants. Let's say she wants some frozen dinners. We get to the frozen food case and I'll read off brand names. She picks one. I'll tell her they have beef, chicken, fish and veggie entrees. She'll pick one of those, and I'll read her all the names of, say, the chicken meals. She'd never make me read every single name of every single meal they produce.

I think some requests for reading the shelf are legit. Even if the person who is blind knows they want aspirin, they should be able to make their own choice between coated/non-coated, number of tablets, brands, etc. However, if they want aspirin, they should not be asking for all the ibuprofen labels to be read out loud, or all the Tylenol labels.

[buvezdevin]

OP, you have gotten some great advice from PPs, I wanted to ask if you have thought about what *you* want (aside from Henry making a list).  If you are doing this favor of taking Henry shopping as part of a volunteer arrangement, or a wish to extend a continuing favor to an acquaintance, it seems to me perfectly polite to set parameters on total time, or only doing shopping with a list and only for things on such a list.

 If your desire is more generally just to offer support, or personal interaction with Henry, perhaps offering other options (visit to a park, time in a coffee shop, etc) where the interaction and "socializing" occurs, but you avoid the frustrating shopping experience.  In that case, I would suggest offering Henry a choice of activities, and still state any applicable requirements that you will henceforth have for shopping trips.

While I think it lovely to extend assistance, his preferences, and unwillingness to take your suggestion of a list would have me backing out of the long standing arrangement, though I would try to address it in a way that may be mutually acceptable first.

[Winterlight]

I think CrazyDaffodilLady summed this up nicely in another thread:

"A friend once remarked that if you routinely do someone a favor, it doesn’t take long before they consider it to be your job . . . and they’re the boss."

[KenveeB]

I agree that he's come to see it as your job. Why on Earth did you let it go this long? It's not "training" someone to ask them to do it one way and then do it the other way when they ask. There have to be consequences for someone not to do it the way they prefer. So the next time, just say a day or so in advance, "So we're going shopping on Friday at 6pm. Don't forget to have a list ready. We're not going to be able to shop this time unless you have a list." Then when you show up on Friday, ask, "Do you have your shopping list? No? Can you write one out right now, or should we reschedule?" Just flat-out refuse to go unless he makes a list.

If he kicks up a fuss about it, then say gently but firmly, "Friend, I've asked you over and over to make a list to make things easier for me. I'm trying to do you a favor, but you have to meet me partway. It sounds like it would be best for you to find another way to get your groceries, because I'm not going to be able to help you anymore."

[SoCalVal]

I agree that he's come to see it as your job. Why on Earth did you let it go this long? It's not "training" someone to ask them to do it one way and then do it the other way when they ask. There have to be consequences for someone not to do it the way they prefer. So the next time, just say a day or so in advance, "So we're going shopping on Friday at 6pm. Don't forget to have a list ready. We're not going to be able to shop this time unless you have a list." Then when you show up on Friday, ask, "Do you have your shopping list? No? Can you write one out right now, or should we reschedule?" Just flat-out refuse to go unless he makes a list.

If he kicks up a fuss about it, then say gently but firmly, "Friend, I've asked you over and over to make a list to make things easier for me. I'm trying to do you a favor, but you have to meet me partway. It sounds like it would be best for you to find another way to get your groceries, because I'm not going to be able to help you anymore."

I like this idea.  Totally refuse to leave for the store unless he sits down with you and creates a grocery list if he doesn't already have one done.  You have nothing to lose by not going shopping with him.

[Iris]

You've had some great advice here. I was just intrigued that while he has an active social life he has only socialised "occasionally" with you. It irritates me that this man is getting favours to a level that I would consider VERY close friendship and yet he doesn't seem to consider you a friend (judging by how he includes you in his social life) or take any steps at all to make your life easier.

He sounds like the wheelchair guy in Little Britain and I think it would be a great idea for you to start drawing some serious boundaries.

[jaxsue]

You've had some great advice here. I was just intrigued that while he has an active social life he has only socialised "occasionally" with you. It irritates me that this man is getting favours to a level that I would consider VERY close friendship and yet he doesn't seem to consider you a friend (judging by how he includes you in his social life) or take any steps at all to make your life easier.

He sounds like the wheelchair guy in Little Britain and I think it would be a great idea for you to start drawing some serious boundaries.

I love Little Britain! 

[wolfie]

Jaxsue, he has been blind from birth and went to his state's school for the blind. He's active in a large national organization for the blind (he traveled by plane to Denver recently to attend their annual conference) and has a pretty vibrant social life with blind friends and some sighted people as well. He goes to the theater, concerts, ball games. I have occasionally socialized with him.

With regard to your blind acquaintances who were self-sufficient, do you remember how they got their groceries?

How did your friend get his groceries before you came along?

[WillyNilly]

Maybe this is a dumb question but, how does a blind person write and read a list? I make lists all the time and my eyesight is a pretty important factor in the process.

[Winterlight]

Maybe this is a dumb question but, how does a blind person write and read a list? I make lists all the time and my eyesight is a pretty important factor in the process.

They can use a Braille slate and stylus or a specialized keyboard.

[Flora Louise]

Thanks everyone for the thoughtful advice.  Re: the list. Harry can type documents out on a typewriter. He also has a Brailler and computer he uses. His handwriting is completely illegible.

As for reading out the aisles in the store to him, I already do that. I say, "We're in produce. What do you need from produce?" Then, I wait for him to think through what he needs. Sometimes he remembers right away, often he doesn't. I also prompt him on things I know he buys frequently. For example, he buys yogurt almost every week. He knows what flavors the store has, but nothing will do but that I read out the types and varieties every single time.

How did I start doing this?  We went to the same church and I started giving him rides to church. I offered to take him to the grocery store when I was going and it evolved from there.

Can I just make the list with him before we go? I pick him up after work. He lives on a narrow city street which requires me to park illegally. I put the blinkers on, call him, and wait for him to come out.  I get out, fetch him, walk him to the car, get him in. When we get to the store, I get him out, walk him to the store, he holds the handle of a cart while I pull it from the other end. We go aisle by aisle with me calling out the section we're in. "Do you need bread? Do you need detergent? Do you need soup?" Etc. We get in the check out line and I put everything on the belt. Guide him to the checkout stand where I swipe his credit card. I put the pen in his hand and his hand on the screen and he signs. He takes the handle of the cart and I lead it out to the car. I get him in the car and put his groceries in the trunk. Back at his place, I park illegally again, get him out of the car, unload the groceries, carry them in while guding him with his cane. I wait for him to open the outer door to his building with his key, walk him to his condo, wait for him to open that door with his key, put his groceries away, and get out to my car.

Now imagine that process in deep snow. Or when the street is torn up by construction (the case last year).

How did he get his groceries before me? At one time, he had another woman who helped him. She moved away. I know he also has gone to the store by himself and asked the store to provide a clerk to take him aisle by aisle. He says they don't like to do that. He has also used delivery services but he doesn't want to do that. He says its cost but I think it's really that he doesn't want to make a list.

What do I want? Ideally, I want out. But in conscience I can't do it unless I know he has a viable alternative.

Harry is a soft spoken, mild mannered, rather sunny person. If he knew the level of my frustration it would hurt him. I just can''t bring myself to do it.  I do think I'll have a heart to heart with him soon about lists.

[Twik]

If he's expecting people to cater to him, he'll have to learn that it frustrates people. He's a grown-up, tough if it hurts him to learn that the rest of the world does not want to hold his hand because he can't make lists.

I think you need to start telling him (not asking) that you will pick up his groceries (if you're willing to do that, of course), but you do not have time to go through the store with him. He either gives you a list, or finds someone else to help.

Someone who says he "prefers" you to read every ... darn ... label to him is not just clueless. It's time to stop worrying about how he will feel when he discovers he's abusing your kindness. He already knows, and doesn't care.

[Morticia]

Harry does have viable alternatives. He just doesn't like or doesn't want to use them. These facts are not your problem.  Neither is he. You don't owe him anything.

Edited because I'm terrible with names.