Please Try to Give Opinion- I Need Help *updated just a bit*

[amaiaisabella]

I don't know where else to put this, so if it's the wrong place, I'm sorry.

I posted a topic a few months ago in Life...in general about my ex who I was considering getting back together with. I went to lunch with him to talk about it, but I could see he wasn't serious and I gradually stopped contact with him after that. Only, he kept messaging me online, and we would argue to the point of me telling him it wasn't worth it, and to move on and stop speaking with me. He would agree, except a few days later, this would repeat. He would pretend like the previous conversation never happened, and press me to get together or get back into a relationship. Like I said, I had wanted to stay friends with him, but I realized that couldn't happen.

For a few weeks, he hadn't gotten into contact with me, and I thought maybe he finally got the message. Let me just say I was as blunt as possible, telling him to leave me alone. The next time it was as if I hadn't told him that. My guy friend told me that the ex was playing a game and that I was reacting to it, so I stopped responding to his messages all together. Then the messages would get more sad, like "Why won't you talk to me?" "I really need to talk to you". There were never any threats.

Last night he called me at 12:30 am. I was sleeping so I didn't answer. This morning I wake up and he's messaged me and added me as a friend on Facebook. The message said "Please talk to me, I need someone to talk to." There have been no threats, but I am getting pretty scared. Is this valid? He's in the police academy (so far as the last time I actually spoke to him) and carries a weapon.

I spent 5-6 days a week with him during the time we were dating and he was never deliberately mean to me or to anyone else. I don't get the sense he will hurt me, but I don't really want to take the chance. Should I continue to ignore him and see where that goes?

[MyFamily]

I think that he is manipulating you.  If he didn't have a history of "forgetting" your conversations about moving on, maybe I'd give this request some credence, but not now.

If he does need someone to talk to - then he should talk to a friend, a parent, a counselor - not an ex.  Keep ignoring him.  He is doing this to control you.

[Trisha]

I'd call and talk to a police officer. Tell them what's going on and see what their advice is. Many bad things have happened from someone just starting out as calling and wanting to talk to a person. I'm not trying to scare you, but it sounds fishy to me that he isn't taking no for an answer. You say you don't think he'd hurt you, does that mean you think he' hurt himself? He's trying to gain power and control over the situation, and that is not a good thing.

[pennylane]

Wow.  You saw that this guy wasn't serious about getting back with you in the first place, (sounds like that means he wasn't willing to give what you needed to continue the relationship) but he still wants to be "together" with you, and wants you to talk to him.  (What the heck does he need to talk to you about that he can't talk to someone else?)

He certainly does sound like he's being manipulative and controlling-- wants you to feel sorry for him, and thinks pestering you is the way to your heart.  I think if you do talk to him, it'll just give him the attention that he's looking for from you.
 
I think you are right to have your guard up.  I agree with being cautious and treating this situation as harassment.  I agree with talking to the police, or someone who can tell you how to deal with this type of person, as well as letting your family, room mate(s) if you have them, and friends know about this situation.  You're feeling wary and scared because your instincts are telling you that something is not right. 

[amaiaisabella]

I don't think he would hurt himself. One of my friends said he's either feeling nostalgic and realizing what he gave up, and by me answering he still sees possibilities... or he just likes to play games like that.

I personally think it's the second. I think this will be the first time that I totally do not answer any of his communication tries, so after a few weeks, if it does continue, then I will contact the police. I hope it doesn't have to come to that though.

I have realized that usually I answer him back on Facebook, or messenger (he hasn't tried to call me for a while- that's why I think it's a game, he's bored or something) and that provides fuel. This time I am not answering whatsoever.

I also called my guard (we have a gated community) and left a note to not let him in, plus the make and model of his car. I had previously left that request but another guard had taken it down.

[madmichelle]

Yes, continue to ignore him. Or, if you like, the next time he contacts you tell him you want no further communication with him and then stick to it. It's hard, especially because this kind of behavior is usually done so that he can get a reaction, any reaction. Don't give him the satisfaction of one.

And I think you did the right thing by notifying the gate guard. Good luck.

[EtiClerk]

I think you are doing exactly the right thing by ignoring him for a bit longer, and then going to the police if it doesn't stop.

If things escalate at all, if the threatens you, or even if he ramps up the phonecalls and messages, don't wait, report him immediately. 

Make sure you have unequivocally refused to speak to him and told him directly that you consider continued calls harassment.  If you haven't already, I would send an email, so you have a record saying "This past week you have (called me at midnight, IM'd me 23 times etc.).  I have already made clear that I do not wish to have any contact with you.  If you continue to harass me, I will contact the police."  And make SURE you retain records of the calls, messages, emails, so you have documentation if it comes to that. 

If he threatens himself - do NOT respond to him.  Contact the police and give them whatever evidence you have that he may intend to harm himself (since you are refusing to speak to him directly he could only threaten himself either in writing, or in a message, either of which could be passed to the police.)  That way, if he really is a danger to himself, you have done the best you can to help him AND if he is just "playing games" he will be seriously unhappy with the result.  Nothing says "oops" like involuntary commitment to a mental facility.

Good call on the gate guard as well.  Keep us posted.

[amaiaisabella]

I have kept the messages on Facebook as well as the call log that he called me. I don't want to email him stating the fact that he has been emailing me, because he would only ignore that to pursue it further.

Complete and utter blockage. The friend I spoke to who is in law enforcement said as long as he hasn't threatened me, I should be okay. When he does, I have no problem going to the police. My father is in the law enforcement area, as am I- although he might have clout as a cadet, we have way more. (Not that it matters, just that if he tried to dismiss it as a bogus thing)

*edited to add* thank you for listening to me!

[Ondine]

I'd ignore this guy - if he really wanted to get back together with you, he would have done it - asked you back, none of this volleying in between. I think this guy needs to (as my grandma says) "S*** or get off the pot"

[straightnochaser]

First of all, show no signs of fear or weakness.  He will prey on it.  Trust me.  The fact that he is in the police academy gives me visions of Ray Liotta in Unlawful Entry.  Nevertheless, stop talking to him.  All this back and forth with him is adding fuel to the fire and in the end he will expect something from you, no matter what it is:  talking, intimacy, full-fledged relationship again.

If he becomes aggressive, I'd get a restraining order.  Won't look good for a police academy cadet.

[platys]

I'd recommend reading the Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker.  He talks a lot about stalkers and just plain people you don't want to talk to.  He says you if respond in any way to someone you don't want to talk to, you've bought yourself another 2 (or was it 3?  I can't quite remember) weeks of contact.   Also, he recommends not blocking the person in a way that they know they've been blocked - they'll just find another way to contact you. 

Also, a lot of confrontational methods just will escalate the situation.  It's a really good book.

[melodrama]

Good call on alerting your gate guard.  It sounds like you have a good grasp on all the logical steps you should take.

I just wanted to add that you might want to alert someone at your work: boss, secretary, etc., that if this guy calls for you there you won't accept his call. (even if he doesn't know where you work, he can find out) You don't have to give them the whole sordid history, but just in case he shows up at your office, someone should know that he's not welcome.

If you're still in school, send a brief note to campus security, so they're aware.

Although this guy hasn't escalated yet, his behaviour is very manipulative and deserves your caution.  Hopefully he'll get the hint and move on, but it's best to be prepared (as you well know)

Please take care of yourself.

[snowball's chance]

My ex-BF, the cop was like this too.  When we were apart he called continually, etc. 

I agree don't return phone calls, IMs, emails, anything.  But KEEP them (if possible) in case you need a restraining order.

[Tabris]

Get a copy of GavinDeBecker's "The Gift of Fear" and read the stalker section. He's not stalking you (yet) but the techniques will help you.

Do not respond to him--in any way--again. Not even to send him another email telling him you doon't want to talk to him any longer. You've already told him that. Now, every time you tell him you're not talking to him any longer, that's one more time that you're talking to him.

And he'll get two messages:
one, that you don't even respect your own ultimatums
two, that if it took 50 attempts to get you to reply, that fifty attempts is what it takes.

Stalkers typically stalk for six weeks after the final contact before they give up. Six weeks. So prepare for six weeks of this beyond whenever was the last time you responded to him.

I would suggest not answering your phone at all, in case he calls you from a number you don't recognize or a mutual friend's number. If you call the police, don't ask them to talk to him until/unless they're able to arrest him on some kind of charges. Don't reply to facebook invitations or IMs or anything else. Just let everything he sends you go into the bit bucket.

He's not going to harm himself. He's trying to manipulate you. If you weren't important enough (to him) to live for, then you certainly aren't important enough for him to die for.

[Clara Bow]

I would get in touch with the powers that be at the police academy and tell them that one of their cadets was harrassing me to the point that I had become fearful for my safety. That ought to do it.
Now I know that this is a big running joke with me, but in this case I am deadly serious. Get a can of Mace. Pepper spray, Mace, whatever. Keep it with you at all times and regularly clean and test the trigger mechanism so that you know it works. Keep it in your hand any time that you are outdoors alone, day or night. Keep an additional can by your bed.
Be sure your cell phone and any cordless phones in your house are charged at all times and keep a phone in the bedroom closet. It sounds nuts I know, but if you're ever in a position where you might have to hide, you will need to be able to contact the police.
Ask the police dept. for additional patrols in your neighborhood and be sure that a trusted friend or family member knows where you are at all times.