Elderly Penpal's Negativity

[lkdrymom]

I ahve been writing to pen pals since I was 13...I'm 45 now.  I have gotten to know many wonderful people around the world because of this. Of course you alos find people you just don't mesh with and usually stop writing after 2 or 3 letters.

I have been writing to an older woman in Canada for about 10 years now. She had married her best friend's widow late in life and has no children of her own but does refer to her husband's children as her step children. I am sure they were adults and out of the house by the time they married.

Several years ago her husband died. I have noticed over the past few years her constant negativity and it is very off putting. I don;t remember her being like this before her DH died. But I do know that she has never asked me a question about myself. Usually why you write you ask alot of questions to get to know a person. Only once in all those years do I remember her asking me something. Her letters consist of telling me all the things she has done recently, her medical problems and how her friends, neighbors and family always disappoint her. I especially feel bad for her step son who she has nothing nice to say about. She complains about how he doesn't spend enough time visiting her.....to do chores.  She can't get handy men to return after they have worked for her and I have a very good idea why.  She expects neighborhood teens to help her out then complains about whatever they have done as being not good enough or fast enough. And she wonders why they don't return her calls.

Last year I was dealing with issues with my elderly father being needy and demanding. I told her about this and told her how I felt ...hoping she would get the hint...she didn't. 

I just received a letter form her and it was so filled with complaints and negativity, I have no idea how to answer it. I'd feel bad if I stopped writing to her.  Does anyone know how to POLITELY tell her that all this negativity and demanding behavior is driving people away. I had a grandmother like this and if you tried to talk to her about it she would say people don't like her because she is old (something she can't change)...no people don't like you because you are difficult, demanding and unappreciative.

[CrazyDaffodilLady]

My elderly father’s letters are much the same as your penpal’s.  One day my sister pointed out the most amazing fact to me:  I don’t actually have to read his letters. 

His letters are 100% about him, and initially my responses were also pretty much 100% about him.  Now I skim his letters if I’m in the mood, and instead of writing long response letters, I occasionally dash off a few lines on a greeting card.  He doesn’t notice the difference, and I’m less resentful.

[magician5]

Sounds like depression ... and from your description, she's got plenty to be depressed about.

But I have no solution to offer you.

[Roe]

Instead of trying to solve her problems, write to her about whatever it is you'd like to write about.  Maybe that will take her focus off her problems for awhile.  And if it doesn't, then I have to ask "why do you continue writing to her if all she wants to do is to vent?"  That doesn't sound like what a penpal should be. 

[Jocelyn]

I recently reconnected with my penpal I've had since we were both 12, via Facebook. We'd sort of trailed off in recent years, and I moved last year and the PO wouldn't forward her Christmas card to me! Anyway, I always found it sort of awkward with penpals (I had several others) writing a letter full of questions...so I can understand a person thinking that it's better for each person to write their own news rather than asking about the other person's news. But it sounds like she isn't thinking at all about what you'd like to hear about, only about what she wants to complain about.
I think I'd just let the letters decrease in frequency...take an extra month or two before you reply. Maybe include some ideas about positive thinking...how you find that looking for the best in others makes your day better, for example. Something might make a connection for her.

[ttaylor]

That sucks. BUT, she sounds depressed and you may very well be one of the only people in her life she can talk to about her issues. It's annoying when someone doesn't acknowledge our lives and happenings, but she is much older and likely does not have a good support network, perhaps understanding and suggesting activities or things to get her smiling again would be better than being annoyed by her self-centeredness. She probably just can't see past her own pain at the moment. Which isn't an excuse but it's sad to hear stories about lonely old people keepin mind too that excessive negativity is a warning sign of dementia, my grandpa had this and that was the first thing everyone noticed (and he wasn't even that old!) I would just be there for her even though it's crappy on your end to read her rants, try to respond with positivity and encouragement and see how she replies.

[lkdrymom]

I'm not really trying to solve her problems, I just don't know how to respond to so much negativity.  As far as asking questions...that works well when you first connect with someone. Once you know them well enough it is just normal to ask how they are doing, how the kids and husband are, how is the job, etc.  This woman never asks any of this. Ever. Most of my letters are like conversations...hers are like listening to a speech, three is no interaction. It has always been like that.

Until recently she was very active in church and often drove seniors that needed help...and complained about how difficult and needy they were. I don't mind a few complaints...we all do that...but everything she wrote about was a complaint.

I don't know how to comment on when she complained about her step son visiting...they went to dinner which most parents would be thrilled with. She went on to gripe about how he didn't stay long enough to get anything done.  I SOOO want to tell her that if she treats him as her personal work horse he is not going to want to visit. But that would be rude. My grandmother did this to my parents and they really dreaded the weekly visits.

[LifeOnPluto]

I'm not really trying to solve her problems, I just don't know how to respond to so much negativity.  As far as asking questions...that works well when you first connect with someone. Once you know them well enough it is just normal to ask how they are doing, how the kids and husband are, how is the job, etc.  This woman never asks any of this. Ever. Most of my letters are like conversations...hers are like listening to a speech, three is no interaction. It has always been like that.

Until recently she was very active in church and often drove seniors that needed help...and complained about how difficult and needy they were. I don't mind a few complaints...we all do that...but everything she wrote about was a complaint.

I don't know how to comment on when she complained about her step son visiting...they went to dinner which most parents would be thrilled with. She went on to gripe about how he didn't stay long enough to get anything done. I SOOO want to tell her that if she treats him as her personal work horse he is not going to want to visit. But that would be rude. My grandmother did this to my parents and they really dreaded the weekly visits.

Actually, I don't think this would be rude, so long as you do it in a polite manner.

Perhaps in your next letter you could ask her whether she invites her step-son over for a regular visit, without getting him to do any work. Or perhaps you could simply say something like "From my experience, people are more happy to do favours if they feel as if they're appreciated. I'm sure you're very grateful whenever your step-son helps you out, and perhaps you should make that absolutely clear to him?" etc

[Mikayla]

I think you should aim for the middle.  Like you, I'd be very uncomfortable just cutting her off, but there's no reason you can't start answering less frequently, and with shorter letters.  If you normally reply within a week, take 3 weeks.  And if you normally write 2 pages, write one.  See what happens.

I admit there might be a wee bit of PA here, but your options are really limited.  She's elderly and you're not someone who's part of her inner circle, meaning it's unlikely you can find the words that will get her to see the light.  It's also possible she's relying on her communications with you too much (meaning she's not reaching out to those around her under the mistaken impression you're a good substitute.  In situations like this, you can't possibly be.

Obviously, it wouldn't be wrong to gently make an observation here or there, but I think you'll be beating your head against a wall, and you'd need to keep your expectations very low.  Personally, I'd just start phasing her out.

[JeanFromBNA]

If you ask her questions in your letters, does she answer them?  Or do you have the feeling that she just goes on about whatever is on her mind?

[lkdrymom]

Yes she does answer my questions, it just never has occurred to her to ask about me.

Usually I just ignore her complaints that I fine petty, but I really feel like I should address them. She was mad at the neighbor boy for not returning her phone call...she needed someone to help her take her dog to the vet. He told her that his mom took care of the messages on the answering machine. And I realized that is how we do it in our house. My kids would never run the messages...one I wouldn't want them to listen to them and not tell me something important and two I doubt they know how to work the machine.  They have cell phones so if someone needs them they call them direct. And I probably run the messages twice a week so if she had called my house she may not have heard back from me for a few days.

I am also thinking of suggesting she call her church and see if they have someone to help her since she did that for so long for others.

[ttaylor]

Also wanted to add, maybe she's just bad at writing letters? lol. I have relatives who send very long emails (I guess the equivalent of letters) and talk only about themselves, their updates, their venting, their lives etc. They fully expect that when I reply, I will just automatically discuss mine. I was raised that writing/communicating or whatever you want to call it should be reciprocal, questions on both ends, a back and forth conversation... but they literally just write all about themselves and it's expected that I will do the same. Maybe that's how this lady is and just thinks that's normal? I guess it is for some people. I thought they were rude at first but my mom explained they've just always been like that with keeping in touch, they're European and I guess maybe it's cultural?? Who knows.

[lkdrymom]

ttaylor-that is something to consider.