Friend and Diabetes Updated P13, 18, 28, 31 & 36

[Roe]

There are some people who can't handle a heart to heart, face to face.

Have you thought about putting your feelings in an email and sending it to her?  At the end of the email, let her know that you are serious and that you'd like to talk to her in person when she is ready but until that time, you can not be a sitter for L.

And list the things that bother you.  Write down the solutions you'd like L to take seriously. 

If after the email, she refuses, then I'm sorry to say she's taking advantage of you and being a very bad parent in the process.  And yes, you are right, she WILL blame you if something happens to L.  I don't know about you but I would never want that responsibility.  You are better off without that headache but of course, that's easier for me to say. 

Good luck to you! 

[Piratelvr1121]

I think you can help him by making it clear to him that he doesn't have to sneak stuff, but that he has to inject insulin to counter what he eats.  The thrill of sneaking may go out of it then.  I'd also tell him that unless he keeps his BG under control, his mother will not allow him to visit, because she doesn't want him to get sick!

I feel for you, my friend's daughter is diabetic and has the same attitude.  She feels OK now, so who cares what her BG is? Arrrgh.

I know a guy who's 35 and still has this attitude.  He also does the "who cares what I eat, I'll just give myself enough insulin to cover it!"   

You sound like you're really stuck between a rock and a hard place, OP.  I think refusing to look after him last minute is really the best option, but since that doesn't seem possible, could you get something to lock the bad food into when he's around?  Even if it's last minute, you could just shove it into some sort of lockable container or even something that doesn't lock but you'd keep in your room.  They wouldn't be able to get to it without waking you up.

Maybe it would help if your son talks to his friend seriously? It doesn't seem like the mom is going to be easy to talk to, but I wonder if a serious heart to heart such as "Dude, you're going to end up killing yourself if you keep eating like this, and I'm worried about you and don't want to lose my best friend because he didn't care enough about his health to take better care of himself."

[kherbert05]

This behavior is NOT unusual in teens with chronic illnesses. If they haven't been given some control* over managing their illness at an earlier age, they will often rebel trying to look like their normal peers. In this case indulging in food, not taking medication. A teen group about managing his illness might be just what he needs. Kids his own age calling him on his behavior might pull him back into line.

Mom needs some help also - she needs to let go of control and hold him not adults responsible for his behavior.

[RubyCat]

I would be really uncomfortable continuing to allow the boy to stay over.  The fact that his mother needs him to stay with you those nights because she works only makes puts you more at risk of liability if something bad should happen.  She needs to work with you, not blame you.  If she won't work towards a solution, there should be consequences such as her having to find alternate care.  Also, if her son enjoys spending time at your home, maybe the potential loss of that privilege would help him follow his diet as, at his age, he can't really understand how dangerous his behavior is.

[TootsNYC]

I'm just so hesitant to "discipline" someone else's child even if that child is frequently left in my care.

Approach this from a different point of view. Approach this as "an adult friend who has insights a 13yo doesn't have yet, who is 'cluing him in.' "  It's not about you being a parent or an authority figure so much as being an adult who is around him a lot.

So you don't scold; you explain. You don't punish; you offer solutions and research information (finding that kids' group) and encouragement.

And if it comes down to it, yes, you "impose consequences," but they're not punishment-style consequences. They're "Look, I can't start the car until your seat belt is on" adult-style NATURAL consequences.

[cattlekid]

I hope this does not come off sounding rude, but I would look to see if you could take him into the nearest dialysis center for a visit.  Sort of a "scared straight" kind of thing.  I am on dialysis (not due to diabetes) and when I was in the dialysis center, I saw a lot of scary things.  Scary enough that if I was a younger person, I'd definitely think twice if I wanted to live life that way as the eventual consequences of my behavior.

[Piratelvr1121]

My kid brother got diabetes when he was 11, and from the time he was diagnosed, he was always the one giving himself shots, but mom was the one mostly telling him what to eat.  I wasn't living at home then, as I was in college so I don't really remember how he was for eating properly.  Though they did once let him stay overnight with me in my apartment off campus when he was 12 and he was pretty good about testing his blood sugar and eating right.   

For him the bit of diabetes rebellion came when he went off to college and was living away from home where mom wasn't looking over his shoulder all the time.

My brother, a year after he was diagnosed, was decided to be a good candidate for the pump.   Instead of having to give himself several shots during the day, the pump delivers the insulin automatically.   The pump itself looks just like a beeper so it's not obvious as to what it is.   I know my brother really liked it cause it was a lot more discreet than giving himself shots all the time or having to go to the nurse for the shots.     That could be a good incentive for your son's friend to take better care of himself, or at least something he could ask his doctor about and see if he could switch to that. 

And I keep thinking about what you said this kid usually eats at home. Chocolate cheerios?  Doesn't sound like the mom's doing that great of a job keeping healthy foods at home for him either, and maybe she wants to push the responsibility of any problems with her son's health on someone else.

[artk2002]

I hate to put her in a position where she may lose a job she desperately needs but I don't see another option if she isn't willing to address the problems I am having with L.

This is a false dichotomy. You've stated that there are two choices, either you put up with L's antics or she loses her job. There are tons of other options. You may be the only full-time sitter that she knows of know but you aren't the only full-time sitter in the world. If she has to find another one, she can. Honestly, I think that losing you as a sitter is one of the few things that will get her to pay attention.

Question: When you say that he's sneaking the bad food, is this coming in in a back pack or something, or is it in your home. If you want to continue taking care of L, I suggest that you: 1) Remove all of the bad stuff from your home or lock it up, and 2) Search his overnight bag and confiscate bad food. I realize that both of these are unpleasant for you, but if you're going to take responsibility for this kid, then you need to do the whole job. Saying "I can't do anything because he does this after I go to bed" is abdicating the full responsibility.

Do you have a medical POA for L? I'd refuse to have him unless I did. If you need to call an ambulance because he goes into shock, you won't be able to authorize treatment otherwise and you'll have to wait for her to give the authorization, which puts L very much at risk. I read in an earlier comment that you're unwilling to "discipline someone else's child." Are you willing to be sued for everything you have because something goes wrong and you were unwilling to take steps? Sorry to be a negative Nelly, but this could turn out very, very badly for you. You're accepting responsibility for someone in a fragile medical condition, but aren't willing to take action to prevent problems.  If someone hands responsibility for a child over to me, then I am in loco parentis and I will discipline as needed; if they don't want me disciplining their child then they need to keep the responsibility -- nobody gives me responsibility with the matching authority.

[Nika]

Ignoring the diabetes issue, I am just shocked that this kid steals your food at night. When I was a kid, I couldn't ever imagine doing that. I understand that he's at an age where he is hungry all the time, but seriously? If I was hungry in the middle of the night, I toughed it out if I could and if I couldn't I was very careful about what food I took. Like maybe a slice of bread with a little peanut butter or something. Not huge portions of sweets and snacks!

I wouldn't want a kid that sneaks food in my house. Although apparently this is a hot button issue for me  and maybe I am reacting harsher than some people would.

[Piratelvr1121]

Ignoring the diabetes issue, I am just shocked that this kid steals your food at night. When I was a kid, I couldn't ever imagine doing that. I understand that he's at an age where he is hungry all the time, but seriously? If I was hungry in the middle of the night, I toughed it out if I could and if I couldn't I was very careful about what food I took. Like maybe a slice of bread with a little peanut butter or something. Not huge portions of sweets and snacks!

I wouldn't want a kid that sneaks food in my house. Although apparently this is a hot button issue for me  and maybe I am reacting harsher than some people would.

I would hate that too and the kid would find that his treats were severely limited the next time cause they'd be all hidden away. Especially my chocolate.

[ydpubs]

Ignoring the diabetes issue, I am just shocked that this kid steals your food at night. When I was a kid, I couldn't ever imagine doing that. I understand that he's at an age where he is hungry all the time, but seriously? If I was hungry in the middle of the night, I toughed it out if I could and if I couldn't I was very careful about what food I took. Like maybe a slice of bread with a little peanut butter or something. Not huge portions of sweets and snacks!

I wouldn't want a kid that sneaks food in my house. Although apparently this is a hot button issue for me  and maybe I am reacting harsher than some people would.

Agreed. For me, I'd lay down the law and say, you DO NOT take food from my kitchen w/o my permission. If you cannot abide by this rule then you cannot stay in my home. You are the adult, he is in YOUR space. He doesn't get to run rampant and do whatever he wants unless you allow it.

For the OP, make it abundantly clear to the kid he can't do this in your home. If he can't do this and you still want to take him in, then you have to lock up your food. He hasn't had a medical incident yet, but do you really want to have this going on until something bad actually does happen? I don't know nor do I want to get in to all the legalities, but I sure as heck would not want to find out my liability in this scenario.

I agree with artk2002, you have all the responsibility but no authority. Your friend's job security and the health of her kid are not your responsibility. Why should you take it on if the mom won't do anything about her son and his eating habits and why take on the responsibility and the blame if he gets really sick.

[Mikayla]

I wouldn't want a kid that sneaks food in my house. Although apparently this is a hot button issue for me  and maybe I am reacting harsher than some people would.

I completely agree, and that also gives the OP an out.  OP, you said you're hesitant to enforce discipline on someone else's child, but don't look at it that way.  Look at it as house rules you're enforcing. 

I don't agree with those saying to lock up your snack food.  I don't think you should have to do this, and you certainly shouldn't enable the situation by not purchasing snacks you'd normally have around. 

I would try this approach, and make clear to the boy that he's being treated like family, and this is a family rule.  If this doesn't work, then I think you may need to bring in the heavy guns and talk to mom.  It's puzzling to me she's this cavalier about his potentially life threatening eating habits.

[snowdragon]

I would not be allowing this child over until he got it under control. If ever. And since the mother is not willing to do anything about it I would be talking to some one at school to see if there is any authority that can be called in on this. She is neglecting his health and medical needs in a way that could have seriousl lifetime consequences.
  I have a friend whose uncle died of complications from diabetes. he spent the last 6 months of his live in and out of diabetic comas because they could not get his BG under 500 - most of the time it ranged between 1000 - 1200.  Even if he has survived he would have los t his left leg ( surgery was scheduled) several fingers and his eye site. His kidneys were not quite right and they thought he'd need dialysis for the rest of his life - he was not a transplant candidate.
  Well before he went into the hospital for the last time, he had issues with neuropathy  in his legs , decreased use of his hands and other issues. It also affected his mind  ( He could not tell the difference between his wife and niece, for instance) , perceptions ( conspiracy theories abounded) and he had male issues, also.
 How do I know all this because she will tell any diabetic she see not caring for themselves ALL about it. I've heard the spiel several times. It's not nice...but She wants to keep others from suffering the same thing. After hearing her - I would not play games with people who don't take care with a kid. THe stakes are too high.

and anyone who ransacke dmy cupboards and stole from me - would never be welcome in my home again ( doubly so if what he stole could cause a medical issue of this magnitude.) 

[wyliefool]

If his visits here are planned I try to make sure I don't have a bunch of stuff stocked that he shouldn't have but his visits have became very spur of the moment and more frequent in recent weeks (his parents are separated and the grandfather that had been keeping him while his mom works has began d@ting).

Hang on just a minute here. So you're getting more last-minute calls because his grandfather is ditching his own grandson to chase women? And you're the bad guy here? Um, no.

Stop letting him stay on short notice. His mom can either lose her job, teach him to be responsible for his own health, or have a chat w/ Pop-pop about not leaving her in the lurch. Or, of course, find another friend to take advantage of.

[fluffy]

I have a couple of younger siblings who sneak food at night at a level that is incredibly unhealthy. It's beyond the scope of this board, but their issues are much bigger than nighttime hunger. This might be an offshoot of his parents' separation and other issues. If that's the case, he probably can't help himself.

If my hunch is right, you either need to take practical steps to keep him away from your junk food, or you need to stop babysitting him overnight.

I know you don't want to lock up all of your food, but could you designate an area where the "bad" snacks go and then put a lock on it when he's there for the night? You could leave it open during normal day to day life, but put a lock on it when you go to bed and your friend's son is sleeping over. Then you don't have to lock up the entire pantry.

My Dad eventually put a lock on his closet and started storing the foods that were being consumed at night in there. He shouldn't have had to do that, but realistically he knew that was his only option if he wanted to keep the kids from nighttime binging.