Friend and Diabetes Updated P13, 18, 28, 31 & 36

[Poppea]

You've already been given some excellent suggestions.  Might I add that you ask the mother exactly how she suggests that we monitor his diet?  Does she expect you to stay up all night?  Does she want you to never buy the wrong foods just in case he might come over?  I don't see how she can answer this without sounding unreasonable.  Maybe it will give her pause.

[Jones]

I don't have kids with diabetes, but I don't want them to get to that point either. I don't know if this is a viable option for you, but I keep an assortment of healthy snacks where my DD can get at them in the kitchen (not during the night, but during the afternoon/daytime--seriously who gets up at night just to eat?), and my junk snacks belong in my bedroom closet. I'll share them around, but only under direct supervision to make sure no one is over indulging. I don't buy a lot of junk anymore, though, which has made it a lot easier to keep what I do buy under supervision.

[bopper]

I am a wife of a Type 1 diabetic...short term too low blood sugar is the thing to be concerned with...high blood sugar has long term complications.

You have to ask yourself if you want to get more into Joey's diabetic care when he is over.

I would say to the mom "Friend, you know we love Joey  and having him over. However I think between you and Joey you are putting me in a tough spot.   Joey is binging on food in the middle of the night when I am asleep, and I am getting blamed for his high blood sugars.
You need to talk to Joey about the implications of that and that it is rude to take food he hasn't asked for as well as being bad for his blood sugar level.  I don't have any instruction on how to test his blood sugar or how much insulin he would need to take.  At this point, until you and Joey can get his diabetes under control and Joey knows that he is responsible for his eating habits, we won't be able to host him overnight.  I hope we can in the future though."

[AtraBecca]

L's diet consists of chocolate Cheerios's for breakfast, a pizza Lunchable and fries for lunch and 2 slices of cheese pizza with chips for dinner with chicken tenders as an alternate every now and then. He eats granola bars for snacks with dill pickles and string cheese as free foods.

  That's... horrifying. That's not even REMOTELY a good diet for diabetes! Does he ever eat vegetables???

Um, anyway. To the topic at hand, I'd have to say you are taking on way too much responsibility for a very serious medical condition. You're right to be worried about a diabetic episode when you're asleep. If you really want to have him over, I would recommend locking up all the snack foods before you go to bed. Or just stop having him over. And please, don't feel guilty, I blame your friend in this. She is clearly not taking his diabetes seriously.

[O'Dell]

Isn't 13 old enough to stay on his own? Why do you even need to babysit him? Let me guess...he can't be trusted to stay home by himself?

One option I haven't read here yet (apologies if I missed it) is to tell L and his mom that you can't be responsible for L at night. He can still come over in the evenings to socialize with your son and so he isn't alone all evening, but then he needs to go home to sleep.

It seems that L's mom has abdicated her *and* L's responsibility for his BG to you, yet not given you any authority to follow thru. That's not fair to you (or L). It's an impossible position to be in. Whatever you decide that you want, I think you should frame your  interactions with L and his mom that way. That each of them needs to take responsibility for L and his health, that it's not your job and you won't do it.

Maybe give them the option of what you are willing to do (not have him over, be able to discipline him, no overnights, whatever) and let them make the choice. If either complains, remind each that they chose it.

[kckgirl]

Isn't 13 old enough to stay on his own? Why do you even need to babysit him? Let me guess...he can't be trusted to stay home by himself?

It sounds like his mother works an overnight shift, and if so, no, 13 is not really old enough to stay on his own, especially if he's such a deep sleeper.

[LeveeWoman]

If his visits here are planned I try to make sure I don't have a bunch of stuff stocked that he shouldn't have but his visits have became very spur of the moment and more frequent in recent weeks (his parents are separated and the grandfather that had been keeping him while his mom works has began d@ting).

Hang on just a minute here. So you're getting more last-minute calls because his grandfather is ditching his own grandson to chase women? And you're the bad guy here? Um, no.

Stop letting him stay on short notice. His mom can either lose her job, teach him to be responsible for his own health, or have a chat w/ Pop-pop about not leaving her in the lurch. Or, of course, find another friend to take advantage of.

I'm glad I'm not the only one whose mind is boggled by this.

[Piratelvr1121]

L's diet consists of chocolate Cheerios's for breakfast, a pizza Lunchable and fries for lunch and 2 slices of cheese pizza with chips for dinner with chicken tenders as an alternate every now and then. He eats granola bars for snacks with dill pickles and string cheese as free foods.

That's... horrifying. That's not even REMOTELY a good diet for diabetes! Does he ever eat vegetables???

Um, anyway. To the topic at hand, I'd have to say you are taking on way too much responsibility for a very serious medical condition. You're right to be worried about a diabetic episode when you're asleep. If you really want to have him over, I would recommend locking up all the snack foods before you go to bed. Or just stop having him over. And please, don't feel guilty, I blame your friend in this. She is clearly not taking his diabetes seriously.

So glad I'm not the only one who picked up on that one! That's not a good diet for anyone really, let alone a kid with diabetes.   And I think it's horrifying too that she's being so irresponsible with her son's health and the grandfather isn't being held to his commitment.   I don't see a problem with the grandfather dating, but if his daughter (or is it DIL?) has relied on him, surely he can find other nights to date other than the ones she needs him? 

Hmm.  Though another thought occurs. I wonder if Grandpa's perhaps not dating at all but is telling the mom that because L was doing the same thing at his house and the mom wouldn't listen to him either so he told her he was dating so that if something happened to L he wouldn't be blamed for it?

I do feel for the mom, I'm sure it's stressful especially now that she's going to be a single mom, but that's no excuse to not take the responsibility to make sure her son's health is tended to.  And she really has no right to blame OP if she's not at least stocking healthy food in her house for her son.  If he's 13, I doubt he's doing the grocery shopping.

[BeagleMommy]

OP, as many of the members here know, I've had Type I diabest for a looooonng time (46 out of 47 years).

Yes, it sounds like L is going through the "I'm an invincible kid" stage that most teenagers go through.  However, his mother is not helping matters by brushing off his lack of care about his diet/medication regimen.  I went through that and my mother sat me down and said "How do you feel when your BG is high?".  Well, I felt exhausted, irritable, dehydrated.  Her next response was "Why would you WANT to feel like that all the time when there are some very simple things you can do to keep from feeling that way?".  Perhaps you could try this tactic with L.

If you can't get through to him you have two options.  Refuse to keep him or lock up all your junk food before you go to bed.  Either way you'll need to be ready for whatever consequences follow.

[Calypso]

Art articulated perfectly what has been troubling me about this thread. From what you're describing, L's Mom is very strongly attached to being a weakling. She has you sympathizing about her job situation (understandable) and therefore giving her a pass for not stepping up as a parent. Your natural concern is truly being taken advantage of---she may not have many choices re who watches her child, but she darn well has a choice about blowing off your concerns.

Think of it as being on a sinking ship....you can moan and weep and cry and complain about getting on the lifeboat, or you can do it calmly, but either way, you are going to get on that lifeboat. Try powering through her emotional reactions "you don't understand! I can't handle the stress right now! you're not being my friend" blah blah blah. See what happens if you calmly persist "I hear what you're saying. We have a situation that has to be dealt with. What's our strategy for making this work?"

Good luck! I hope you have a positive update for us. Don't forget you are doing a HUGE and generous thing for L and his Mom. I don't believe in keeping big "balance sheets" between friends, but the least she can do for you for the huge gift you're giving her is to cooperate with making it a healthy situation for L.

[JustRhon]

OP here:

I'm way behind and there is no way that I can respond to everyone in the way that I would like but I'll try to get everything in here. I will reread the replies when I finish and then add another post if I need to.

The one thing that is really sticking with me is that no I don't have a medical POA and I had never thought about how dangerous that could be. Friend isn't allowed to have her cell at work so the amount of time it could take me to get through to the store's main number and then transferred to her is really scary now that I've been forced to think about it. I will be insisting this is corrected before I keep him again no matter what. She has the next 3 days off while is why I was asking for advice now because it means I have time to force her to have a talk with me or give her notice to try and find someone else.

To everyone suggesting I lock the food up that would be very hard if not impossible. I can take the chips, juices and any sweets out of the kitchen but fries (covered in ketchup and Ranch), pizza and chicken nuggets are his favorite middle of the night binges. I can't quit buying those things because they are the only darn things he will eat period  for meals. I could say a lot about that but it isn't my child and if his mom has decided those are his approved meals what can I do? He doesn't eat any vegetables (unless dill pickles or ketchup count) and the only time he touches a fruit is in the form of fruit juice if his numbers drop. I keep plenty of pickles and string cheese here for him because those are his approved free items and I've even tried buying sugar free snacks but he won't touch them. He is the pickiest eater I have ever encountered.

To those talking about him just taking food without permission, L has spent time here since he was 4. The boys met in Pre-K and he feels as much at home here as he does in his own home. Before the diabetes came in the picture I never had a problem with him fixing himself something to eat if the boys were up late playing games or watching movies. Until a few months ago he was very careful to only grab his approved snacks but suddenly he eats things he knows good and well he shouldn't and then I'm blamed for it. He is nearly 13 and old enough to know better. My child is nearly 12 and I can assure you if he was pulling that kind of stunt I would deal with him and nobody else would be blamed for his refusal to follow the rules.

A lot has been said about my comment that I don't like to discipline someone else's child. I feel like L is as much my child as my own boys most of the time but I just don't know what the right approach is here. The only thing I can come up with is refusing to allow him to come over and then that almost feels like turning my back on him because he is sick. I've been really lucky with my boys as far as behaving goes so I'm just lost with him. My youngest had to have his gallbladder removed in November. Since then he has to watch what he eats because too much fatty food means he hurts for hours. He knows that and accepts it. I just feel like if he can deal with a medical issue that isn't life threatening that L should have more respect for his own health. Maybe I shouldn't look at it that way.

Someone asked about him being old enough to not need a babysitter. He is plenty old enough to stay home alone but his mom doesn't trust him for the very reasons I am having trouble keeping him. He would eat everything he wanted while she was at work. She doesn't work overnight but she gets off at 10:30 when she has to work evening shift and by the time she picks up her younger kids from their father (L won't stay with his dad for pretty good reason) and then gets back to town where her and I live it is usually going on 12 so if the boys are into something or she has to open the next day it is usually easier to just leave L here. I can't explain or excuse his grandfather bailing on him. All I can say is his wife died 4 years ago and he is suddenly back in the dating game.

If it weren't for the health issues I wouldn't mind keeping L at all. He begs to stay here and my son begs to have him so it works well. I just feel like I am being put in a very bad spot for the sake of helping a friend out. If I quit on her I don't know what she will do. It won't be easy to find another sitter that is available on the spur of the moment and works for free. I love her and L dearly and don't want to put her in that position but it beats the position she has put me in by refusing to deal with him. Blaming me isn't doing a thing to correct the issue, in fact it is just making it worse because he can continue on and believe it isn't his fault.

I really like the suggestion to e-mail her. That might be my best option since she blows me off face to face. As I said above she is off for the next 3 days so if I do it today she has plenty of time to either meet with me and brainstorm a solution or find someone else to keep L. I'm just terrified to continue on as is. If something were to happen at my house I would never forgive myself.

I'd also really like it if she would allow me to take L to the teen group I found. I think it would help him to be around other young people dealing with the same thing he is. I know someone mentioned the pump and L is really looking forward to being able to get one but he has to wait until his numbers are stable and that isn't happening at this time.  His numbers are down right scary right now and I've been known to panic more than once when they shoot sky high at my house or bottom out because he won't get out of bed in the morning on time. I'm simply not the best person in the middle of a crisis.

I'm going to throw this out because it maybe it matters or maybe it makes me petty but a big part of me really resents friend for putting me in this position. My kids are pretty well behaved. They weren't raised to ignore the rules or disobey an adult. I have a lot of trouble with ill behaved kids especially when it comes down to bad parenting.

I hope I didn't miss anything but I'll check and try to address it. Thanks so much for all the advice!

[JustRhon]

Art articulated perfectly what has been troubling me about this thread. From what you're describing, L's Mom is very strongly attached to being a weakling. She has you sympathizing about her job situation (understandable) and therefore giving her a pass for not stepping up as a parent. Your natural concern is truly being taken advantage of---she may not have many choices re who watches her child, but she darn well has a choice about blowing off your concerns.

Think of it as being on a sinking ship....you can moan and weep and cry and complain about getting on the lifeboat, or you can do it calmly, but either way, you are going to get on that lifeboat. Try powering through her emotional reactions "you don't understand! I can't handle the stress right now! you're not being my friend" blah blah blah. See what happens if you calmly persist "I hear what you're saying. We have a situation that has to be dealt with. What's our strategy for making this work?"

Good luck! I hope you have a positive update for us. Don't forget you are doing a HUGE and generous thing for L and his Mom. I don't believe in keeping big "balance sheets" between friends, but the least she can do for you for the huge gift you're giving her is to cooperate with making it a healthy situation for L.

To be honest she is strongly attached to NEVER making her kids mad at her. It has always been that way. In the past I've been able to deal with L by saying "I don't care what your mom does, these are the rules here and you will obey them or go home." It isn't working this time. Friend also has a 3 and nearly 2 year old. I can not watch them at all. I simply can't deal with the way she lets them do as they please.

[Winterlight]

I'm going to throw this out because it maybe it matters or maybe it makes me petty but a big part of me really resents friend for putting me in this position.

This isn't petty at all. You are being lumbered with all the responsibility and none of the authority. She won't draw the line herself, but she expects you to make him behave and magically prevent him from doing things he's not supposed to while you're asleep. I'd resent it too.

[rashea]

I think it's going to be tough to have this conversation, but not having it will mean disaster.

Friend,

I'm very concerned about how L is eating. Both his regular diet and his snacking are out of control. The way he's eating isn't acceptable for anyone, never mind someone with diabetes. Because I've become something of a regular caregiver for L, I'd like to talk about how we can address this concern. Without addressing this issue, I'm concerned that L may have a medical emergency. If things do not improve, then I will need to stop watching L. I don't want to do this, as both our sons love getting together.

From now on there will need to be some new house rules.
1. L must eat what the rest of us are eating at meal times, except as it would impact his diabetes. There will be no more special meals.

2. I will have healthy snacks available in a special drawer in the fridge and a bin in the pantry (or tag them with green dots). L may help himself to these as he'd like. I will keep a few special treats in the house, but L must ask before taking these.

3. L must test his blood sugar and report it to me according to his treatment plan.

I understand that L is a teenager, and that he's going through a lot right now, but I can no longer sit by and watch him destroy his health, and I can no longer feel the anxiety of not knowing when he will have a medical emergency. I hope we can work this out together.



I would argue he gets one warning. The second time she needs to arrange someone to come get him within an hour. After that, take a week off of visits, then two weeks, etc.

[kckgirl]

I agree with rashea. If you absolutely do not want to enforce what he will eat at your house, do not stock his preferred items for him. Tell his mom to bring only what he should eat that evening before bedtime (with no leftovers) and serve what she brings. If the frozen chicken, pizza, and fries aren't there for him to heat up, he simply cannot gorge on them.

You really do have to do something before a tragic incident occurs. If it did, it wouldn't be your fault, but you would still feel bad about it. Mom and L are taking no responsibility and placing it all on you. Give it back.