"What a waste of an education"

[Wonderflonium]

Is there a question here, or are you just venting and/or looking for justification?

[Jones]

WAIT---did OP's parents paid for any of her education? Seems quite the thing getting people worked up when we don't even know if that is a "fact".

I have a sister who recently got her Masters; she paid for the whole thing, through scholarships, and two jobs.

I personally think it's a great use of "complete silence": any argument was not going to change Dad's mind, no matter what the background of the decision was. And, it's good to know she has something to fall back on if something ever happens. Peace of mind.

[Mrs. Pilgrim]

Eee, so many posts have popped up while I was just replying to one.  Let me see if I can do the digest version:

- My parents contributed not one red cent to my education.  What wasn't paid in scholarships was paid in loans.  They sure liked to take credit for my successes, though!  (Mostly because they gave me awesome genetics!!!  Go them!)

- My father operated under the notion that he was meant for greatness, but in truth he was far too lazy to avail himself of the multiple opportunities to attend college (even for free).  When his older daughter started proving herself modestly intelligent, he saw a chance to have his cake and eat it, too: fulfill his ambitions while not having to put himself out in any way.

- I was misled, coerced, and ultimately shamed into doing whatever HE found interesting.  What I wanted to do with my life was completely irrelevant to him--and sometimes, apparently, downright immoral, considering the language he would use to describe any interest that didn't contribute to his fantasy of the Accomplished Daughter.

- I didn't have even a notion that I could or should escape that environment because I had no relationships outside of my immediate nuclear family for most of my life.  I was actively discouraged from and sometimes sabotaged out of even forming friendships.  That I ever got away is a function of my leaving home after my sister assaulted me and suffered no consequences.

- My relationship with my father will never improve, as he passed away three months ago--still bitter that I wouldn't let him tell me how to raise my kids, handle my marriage, or arrange my daily schedule.  He didn't allow me to visit or even speak with him over the phone for the last month of his life because he had disowned me in a control-freak fit two years ago.  (I may link the post from a couple of years ago where I described this situation.)

- I brought this up to him, back then, because I was still under the delusion that he gave a rat's whisker what I thought or felt.  This incident went a long way toward convincing me that he didn't.

Did I miss any?

[Horace]

It sounds like you strongly despise, if not hate, your parents.  Why do you want to expose your children to them if they have so many flaws? Just because someone is a member of your family doesn't mean you have to let them treat you badly.  It would be kinder for everyone (your parents and your children) if you just stepped away from the relationship instead of pursuing it for what seem to me like the wrong reasons.

[Mrs. Pilgrim]

Yeah, I missed two.

Hobish, there is more to the law than that, but the only work I personally could find for a very long time was as a public defender--which is not a formal office in our state, but done by lawyers asking the court for work, usually $200 per case in the county I was in.  It was not for want of trying; there simply wasn't any work for a new attorney like me.

The chances of finding a job as a lawyer in an established firm is extremely small if you're not connected with the right people or in the top quarter of your class (which I am neither); hanging out your own shingle requires even more investment of time and effort than that, and you're very likely to go deeper into debt for the first several years.  Many of these offices close down as lawyers discover they like food and having a place to live better than practicing law.

And Wonderflonium:  Venting.  I'm trying to work through a big shoebox full of long-deferred aggravations that I couldn't address before my father's passing.  It's vexing, to be trying to grieve for him and having so few happy memories--just time after time that he treated me like his personal puppet instead of a real live girl.

[wheeitsme]

I think that this was a very effective use of "Complete Silence".  Because, really, what could be politely said in that moment?

[SamiHami]

I think that this was a very effective use of "Complete Silence".  Because, really, what could be politely said in that moment?

Yup, totally agree. What more could be said that would be effective?

Regardless of the debate going on in this thread, in that conversation and in that instance, complete silence was absolutely perfect.

[still in va]

i agree that silence was the only response possible, and that you owed no explanation. 

however, it might have been helpful to know at the outset that this conversation happened a couple of years ago.  and FYI, i would remove the admission that it was a vent.  vents usually get locked or deleted here.

[Knitterly]

I'm a little stunned that people are supporting the OPs father in this.

... and what was an interesting little debate sinks to condescenscion and "I can't believe you think like that" in less than a page. It's been fun.

OP, i wish you the best and hope you can have some understanding for your dad. I know if it was my dad who had supported me in breaking into law or another male dominated field to hear me say i want to be a mommy he would be shocked and hurt. Maybe yours does, too. Give him some room.

My statement was not intended to offend nor to condescend.  I apologize if my post came across that way.

Several assumptions were made, which turned out to be very incorrect.  I truly found them to be very surprising.  Nothing in the original post indicated (at least to me) that the OP's parents paid for her education or even supported her.  Based only on the information at hand, complete silence is/was the only possible recourse.

I just wanted to address that last part of your statement, though, which indicated that my comment caused offense.  It was not intended to, so I am sorry that it did.

[kareng57]

I'm a little stunned that people are supporting the OPs father in this.

... and what was an interesting little debate sinks to condescenscion and "I can't believe you think like that" in less than a page. It's been fun.

OP, i wish you the best and hope you can have some understanding for your dad. I know if it was my dad who had supported me in breaking into law or another male dominated field to hear me say i want to be a mommy he would be shocked and hurt. Maybe yours does, too. Give him some room.

My statement was not intended to offend nor to condescend.  I apologize if my post came across that way.

Several assumptions were made, which turned out to be very incorrect.  I truly found them to be very surprising.  Nothing in the original post indicated (at least to me) that the OP's parents paid for her education or even supported her.  Based only on the information at hand, complete silence is/was the only possible recourse.

I just wanted to address that last part of your statement, though, which indicated that my comment caused offense.  It was not intended to, so I am sorry that it did.

I didn't see any "assumptions" that the OP's parents had paid for her education.  The question was simply asked, and I think it was valid - it's not unusual for parents in North America to pay for, or at least assist with, university education.